Exclusive: Copy of Obama's New Cabinet Nominee Questionnaire Leaked

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Questionnaire

1. Please provide copies of all resumes and biographical statements issued by you or any other entity at your discretion or with you consent within the past ten years.
   
   
2.  Has a tax lien or other collection procedure ever been instituted against you or your spouse by federal, state or local authorities? If so, describe the circumstances and the resolution of the matter.
   
   
3. If you or your spouse has ever lived or worked abroad, please describe the circumstances.
   
   
4. Hey, about that tax thing – you do know that we’re asking about ANY liens or back taxes, right?
   
   
5. Briefly describe the most controversial matter you have been involved with in the course of your career.
   
   
6. Not to harp on this, but, seriously, if you have ANY outstanding taxes, please tell us. We’re getting killed, here.
   
   
7. Please provide the names, addresses, and telephone numbers of three professional references. Also, think really hard about that tax question again, because there are a few dipshits out there that who really screwing things up for us.
   
   
8. What’s so f*#king hard about that question, anyway? You either owe back taxes or you don’t.
   
   
9. Seriously, if it turns out you DO owe back taxes (or for that matter, if your gardener, nanny, dog-walker, or anyone else turns out to have problems with their immigration status), and you lie to me it’s your ASS.
   
   
10. I’m not kidding. I know some people that would be only too happy to drag you out of your house and put a serious hurt on you.
    
    
11. Ever had your eyelashes pulled out with pliers? Me neither, but I’m sure it’s painful. BACK TAXES, A-HOLE – DO YOU OWE ANY?
    
    
12. Hey, here’s an idea – how about you also tell us if you’re…oh, I don’t know…BEING INVESTIGATED by federal authorities? Some people don’t get that.
    
    
13. You DO owe back taxes, don’t you? I KNEW IT! Mother f*&ker!!! What? Oh, you don’t? Sorry, my bad.
    
    
14. Wait a second – I’m not falling for this again. If you were chosen to be a part of this administration then there’s at least a 50% chance you’ve been ducking SOME kind of taxes, have some immigration problem, you’ve knocked up a friend’s daughter (wait – no, that’s CNN I’m thinking of – OK, so forget that part), so come clean already.
    
    
15. You know what, whatever position you were being considered for, I’m sure I can do it myself, so let’s just forget it. Besides, you probably owe back taxes anyway.