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May 28, 2007

General Glenn Greenwald Supports The Troops Where It Really Counts

[John]
General_glenn_greeenwald2
OK, first I'd like to thank you for joining me this morning, and let me say that as your colonel...

 

 

Officer1
Actually, you're a general...sir.

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Whatever. I'm not as concerned with formalities as I am with getting this illegal occupation on the right track.

 

 

Officer1
Excuse me, sir, but don't you mean this war?

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Hey, you say tomato, yada yada yada. Any-hoo, let's talk about supplies.

 

 

Officer1
Well, sir, if you'll look at your handout you'll see that we're efficiently replenishing ammo, armor, vehicles...

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
What about croutons?

 

 

Officer1
Croutons??

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Croutons! You know, for salad. I love the smell of croutons in the morning.

 

 

Officer1
I'm, uh, I'm not sure we have any croutons coming in any time soon.

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Then what the hell are we putting on our salads?

 

 

Officer1
Well, I, uh...

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Never mind, I guess we can get by with chow mein noodles for now, but let's get some croutons here, stat!

 

 

Officer1
Right. Um, as I was saying, our supply lines are...

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
How are we doing on Cool Whip?

 

 

Officer1
Did you say Cool Whip?

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
I don't know if you've noticed, but it's kind of hot outside, and there's nothing like a little Berry Bliss Cake to take the edge off the heat.

 

 

Officer1
Berry...Bliss Cake?

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
I know, I know, it sounds complicated, but it's really easy to make - you just take three-quarters of a cup of cold milk, mix it with your favorite flavor of...

 

 

Officer1
Sir, I'm not sure that discussing dessert recipes is the best use of our time right now.

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
I get you - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, eh?.

 

 

Officer1
That's not what I meant - it's just that our dessert choices may be limited for a few weeks.

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Desserts? Limited?

 

 

Officer1
Yes sir.

 

 

General_glenn_greeenwald2
Wow. War really is hell, isn't it?

Need explanation? Try Uninformed Comment.

 


May 24, 2007

Dear Asswipes at Fox

[John]

Just a quick note to say...what the hell is wrong with you???

I TiVo'd the American Idol finale last night.

Is that sinking in?? I'll say it again: I TIVO'd the finale.

YOU WENT OVER!!! I MISSED END OF THE FREAKING SHOW!

American_idol

And you didn't just go over by a few seconds, it had to be at least 5-10 minutes over, because you hadn't even gotten to the fifteen-minute-drumroll-fabricated-drama part of the show.

Again, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Did you really need to go over? Why? So Bette Midler could perform?? Who gives a rat's ass about Bette Midler??

You people are f&#*ing morons.

That's it - you're dead to me.

UPDATE: Althouse is pissed, too.

 


May 17, 2007

Why So Stuck-Up, Googlers?

[John]

Cranky Neocon linked to Google's Image Labeler, which is pretty cool. Here's how Google describes it:

Over a two-minute period, you and your partner will be shown the same set of images and asked to provide as many labels as possible to describe each image you see.

The goal of course is to improve image tags and search results, so I thought I'd try it out. It was OK, but the people they paired me with were really thin-skinned and, I don't know - distant. In fact, of the ten people I was paired with, not one would even answer me when I tried to engage in casual conversation.

 


Gi1

 


Gi10a

 


Gi9a

 


Gi8a

 


Gi7

 


Gi6

 


Gi4

 


Gi2

 


Gi3

 


Gi5a

Oh well, I give up.

 


May 16, 2007

Ron Paul's Supporters React To The News Of Ward Churchill's Suspension

[John]

Ward Churchill: The Real Deal

Ron_paul_supporter3
"Good for him! OK, so maybe the 'little Eichmanns' thing was a tad harsh, but his 'blowback' comment? Spot on."

 

After Standing Up For The Constitution, Ron Paul (AKA "The Real Deal") Gets His Eyes Checked

[John]
Ron_paul_eye_test3

UPDATE: This doesn't look good for Ron Ward Paul Churchill.

 

May 15, 2007

Why I'd Never Vote For Ron Paul

[John]

This guy, who is attempting to flash his nuts over the InterTubes, says Ron Paul is his favorite politician:

Nut_flasher

Disgusting.

Sorry, but I can't roll with the nut-flashers. Oh, and Paul thinks 9/11 was our fault. Talk about nuts.

UPDATE:Overlooked: Ron Paul links 9-11 attacks to Iraq:

"Have you ever read about the reason they attacked us? They attacked us because we've been over there...We've been bombing Iraq for 10 years. I'm suggesting that we listen to the people who attacked us."

Rep. Paul is implying, of course, that we should have just let Saddam invade Kuwait. That wouldn't have presented any subsequent problems in the region. Not at all.

 

May 10, 2007

Talk About Sloppy Journalism

[John]

Take a look at the screen cap I just grabbed from this story in today's Wall Street Journal Online.

 


Walmart_gaffe

Now, I know journalism is fast-paced, I understand everyone is under deadline, that's it's very competitive, but doesn't anyone even proofread any more?

I've been in the same house for nearly ten years now, and they just built the Wal-Mart no more than five or six years ago. OK, let's say my memory is off by a couple of years, and maybe it's been there eight years. Then they're only off by twenty years.

I realize this was probably an innocent mistake, but there's really no excuse for it. Shame on you, WSJ Online.

UPDATE: According to some rather rude readers' e-mails, there's more than one Wal-Mart (how was I supposed to know that?), so I guess the story might be correct after all. Sorry, but it's not like I have a lot of time to write these posts, you know. You nitpickers need to get a life.

 

Today's Beverage Commentary

[John]
Diet_coke


Diet Coke: It might not taste good, but you have to admit, it doesn't tastes very good.

UPDATE: In the comments, AnonymousDrivel is (understandably) in awe of my knack for marketing. I don't like to toot my own horn, but it's something that just comes to me naturally.

But - If those suits at Coca-Cola think that I'm going to sell out (for less than six figures), they've got another thing (I'm negotiable) coming, because I have my (seriously, make an offer) integrity to think of, and at the end of the (I'm willing to discuss some kind of performance-based bonus structure) day, all a man has is his (stock options would work, too) integrity. Without (sorry about the "suits" crack, by the way) it, he's (I'm sure they're very nice suits) nothing. I'm not about the (hey, that gives me an idea - what if you paid me in suits? I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but you guys probably go clothes shopping every few week, right? Just have the people at C&R Clothier, or wherever you shop, throw in an extra 40 regular and we're good) big paycheck, but at least I can sleep at (call me, seriously) night.

May 09, 2007

George Tenet Down Through History (Part I)

[John]
George_tenet_moron
"I wonder if this has anything to do with that hydrogen."

UPDATE: You know, someone could make a living selling fire extinguishers here.

 


Barack Obama Sticks To The Facts At The Local Starbucks

[John]
Starbucks_dude
Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
I'm finally here - I made it, people!

 

 

Starbucks_dude
Uh, why are you talking into a microphone?

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
You know, I've been waiting a long, long time to get to this counter, but I'm not discouraged!

 

 

Starbucks_dude
Who are you talking to?

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
I don't know how many of you know this, but I've been in this line for thirty-six hours now. Thirty-six hours!

 

 

Starbucks_dude
No you haven't! I saw you walk in five minutes ago.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
You know, there are some people out there who want to get bogged down in meaningless details. They want to count how many minutes someone's been in a line - as if that means anything!

 

 

Starbucks_dude
Hey, you brought it up, I was just...

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
But we're not going to let them define the debate, my friends.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
What debate?

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
No, we're not, because when you take $474.00 out of your hard-earned pay for a Caramel Macchiato, you have a right to expect...

 

 

Starbucks_dude
That's not what we charge for a Caramel...

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
You have a right to expect that you won't get a cup of flavored coffee so hot that it literally burns a path straight to the core of the Earth.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
Now you're being ridiculous!

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
All right, maybe I got that wrong. You know, there are going to be times when I get tired. There are going to be times when I get weary. There are going to be times when I make mistakes.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
All right, I guess that's understandable.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
Especially at times like this, when I've been up for fifty-three days straight.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
That's it! Either order or get out of line.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
OK, give me a grande Caramel Macchiato, and make sure it's not so hot that it burns through the blacktop, like last time.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
You know that never happened.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
Maybe it did, maybe it didn't - I can't tell you what happened after it burned through the floorboard of my car.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
Never happened.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
...

 

 

Starbucks_dude
...

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
OK, I was holding it between my legs and kinda burned my nuts.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
I'll give you an extra cup. That'll be $4.95, please.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
Here's a one-hundred dollar bill, my friend - I want you to keep the change.

 

 

Starbucks_dude
This is a five.

 

 

Barack_obamas_insane
Good night, everyone!

 

 

Starbucks_dude
...

 

 

Starbucks_dude
That guy's one of the most annoying people in the world. No exaggeration.

Oy.

 

Starbucks: Keepin' It Real

[John]

Errrr...

Michelle Incanno was an admitted Starbucks addict...That was until she got an unexpected jolt last week from her coffee cup.

Printed on the cup was: "Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure."


 


Starbucks1

 


 


Zarqawi_starbucks
"This it total bullsh*t!"

 


 


Starbucks2

 


 


Zarqawi_starbucks
"My bad."

 


 


Zarqawi_starbucks
"Now get me another triple venti non-fat latte, bitch."

Thanks to Dan Collins, who snapped the photo of the Zawahirinator on while he was on his last coffee run.

 


May 08, 2007

And Now, One Of Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People In The World

[John]
Georgewbush_3

 

Not him, you moron! Seriously, this guy's the Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful nation on the planet - you call that influence?

No, here's who I was talking about:

 


Cate_blanchett

Yes. The emaciated actress.

I guess she can...I don't know, maybe she can do one of those "before and after" photo shoots showing what can happen to you if you abuse drugs. And, um...I guess that's why she's...influential? Who knows what those morons who came up with this list were thinking. Maybe they're on the crack.

 

May 07, 2007

For This, I'd Travel To See John Edwards In Person

[John]

Hmmmm...

Shoppers entering a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Alabama got a reminder not to try anything funny: Two shoplifters stood outside with signs reading "I am a thief, I stole from Wal-Mart."

Attalla City Judge Kenneth Robertson Jr. ordered the two people to wear the signs for four hours each during two successive Saturdays.

Hey, maybe that judge would...Nah - it'd never happen.

 


John_edwards_hypocrite

Heh.

May 03, 2007

John Murtha Is Mad As Hell And He's Not...Wait A Second, What Was He Thinking Again?

[John]
John_murtha_senile
You know, they brought this Petraeus back - just a cheap political move.

 

 

John_murtha_senile
He doesn't talk to any of us. He's only interested in talking to the media.

 

 

John_murtha_senile
I don't know if you talk to the guy, but if you do, you tell him I'm plenty pissed off.

 

 

 

David_petraeus
Yyyyeaah...I'll be sure to give him the message. You know, if I see him.

 

 

John_murtha_senile
...

 

 

David_petraeus
...

 

 

John_murtha_senile
I'm a veteran!

Seriously, d0od - WTF?

Rep. John Murtha (D-Pa.) this week criticized Gen. David Petraeus for not meeting with members of Congress during a recent visit to Washington, D.C., to report on the status of operations in Iraq, but not only did the commander of Multinational Force - Iraq meet with hundreds of lawmakers, he personally briefed Murtha himself.

H/T: Bryan

UPDATE: Maybe it's the (non?)injuries (Thanks to AnonymousDrivel)

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