WuzzaDem

Elizabeth Edwards Down Through History: Signing of the Emancipation Proclamation

"Meh. Self-serving photo op with a bunch of rich white guys."

Feh.

 

Tales Of Everyday Heroism

Part VII:

London, April 25, 2007: Disaster is narrowly averted when a passer-by, without hesitation and in complete disregard of his own safety, throws himself between a baked-bean-container-wielding attacker and his intended victim.Bravo, sir. Bravo.

 

It Should Be a Maahvalous Debate, Dahling

Well, this should be exciting:

The Huffington Post political blog has signed on Web media company Yahoo Inc. and online news site Slate to help host two debates among presidential hopefuls ahead of the 2008 election.

Gotta agree with Allah:

Did [Arianna Huffington] really believe Republicans would subject themselves to a forum on the most loathsomely bottom-feeding major left-wing blog on the ‘Net, dKos not excepted? Where the comments on threads about Republican politicians with health problems need to be closed preemptively to prevent the inevitable flood of death wishes?

What could possibly salvage this impending disaster? A catchy opening number!

(Sung to the tune of "Green Acres" (Duh))

 

"Slaaaaate Magazine is A-O-K"

 

 

"Doonesbury, yes - no Day-by-Day"

 

 

"Bushisms paid for my new house"

 

 

"Keep Greg Gutfeld just gimme some Mic-key Kaus."

 

Dum-da-dum-da-dum-dum-dum.

 

"Huf-fington Post is number one"

 

 

"Wishing for dead Republicans"

 

 

"Tried running for governor of C-A"

 

 

"Was Republican myself till I turned my ex-husband gay."

 

Da-dum-da-dum-dum!

 

"Fake blogs!"

 

Da-dum-da-dum-dum!

 

"Dave Plotz!"

 

Da-dum-da-dum-dum!

 

"I've never heard of ninety percent of my bloggers!"

 

Da-dum-da-dum-dum!

 

"Hitchens is one of those "scary" drunks, so I just publish anything he turns in because I'm really not good with confrontation!"

 

 

"You'll team up with Slate!"

 

 

"To host an online debate!"

 

 

"Republicans be-waaaaaaare!"

Da-dum-da-dum-dum. DUM DUM!

 

Today is Earth Day

Be sure to stop by Earth and give them your best.

UPDATE: Some people are asking for directions. Hel-LO? Ever hear of Google Maps?

It's right here:

 

Do I have to do everything around here?

 

I Didn't Know You Could Track the Location of Any Cell Phone

This is pretty cool - enter any mobile phone number and this site will show you where the phone is right now.

Dude...

 

Alec Balwin, Humiliated After The Profanity-Laced Voice Mail Message He Left For His Daughter Is Made Public, Is Forced to Find a "Real" Job

...so, if I don't see results - and I mean TO-DAY - someone will be out on his ass.

 

 

And believe me, when I say out on your ass, I don't mean I will politely ask you to leave...

 

 

"Excuse me, Mr. pathetic piece of sh*t loser, would you mind packing your sh*t and hauling your worthless ass out of here?"

 

 

No, I mean I will physically throw you through that f*cking door so fast and so hard that the laws of physics will preclude the possibility of it hitting you in the ass.

 

 

Are we clear?

 

 

I said, are we CLEAR?

 

 

I thought so. Now, any questions about anything I've said? You! What do you want? And make it fast, time is money.

 

 

 

What's a c*cksucker?

 

 

How the hell did you ever make it to the first grade?

UPDATE: Heh.

Learning is fun!

 

But, Hey, Who's Counting?

Wow.

Some time in the past couple of days we had our millionth visitor.

 

Probably should have had some kind of prize or something. Let's see....Oh, I've got some of this sandwich left over from lunch.

It's a great sandwich - grilled cheese, carmelized onions...that looks pretty good. Actually, it looks damned good. I didn't realize I was getting hungry already.

OK, no more sandwich. Um...you know what, just forget I said anything. About the sandwich, I mean.

Forget about the millionth visitor deal, too - nobody cares about that crap.

I shouldn't even have posted this. Oh well, too late now.

 

A World Without 'No' [Mrs. R.]

Is there any word in the English language that has dashed more hopes, instilled more bitterness, spawned more revenge, or broken more hearts than the word 'no'?

I don't think so.

'No' is one of the meanest words ever uttered, especially when delivered with resolve and applied consistently. A firm 'no' is like a slap in the face. Not subject to interpretation. Totally devoid of nuance.

Who needs it? Instead of saying no, we should be asking why.

In a no-free society, we can create an environment in which rationalization is allowed to flow and flourish; a place where anyone old enough to form semi-coherent sentences can express their thoughts without fear of rejection, pooh-poohs, or not being taken seriously.

Imagine a world in which the potential to solve every problem, avert any crisis, can be realized by simply talking about it. Ad nauseam. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. On talk shows. On blogs. Until the end of time.

With the easily manipulated and readily cowed paving he way, we appear to be headed in the right direction - well on our way to universal and unequivocal affirmation of everything.

Some examples:

Mother: No, sweetheart, you cannot serve beer at your coed slumber party this weekend. 14-Year-Old Daughter: Why are you being so mean to me? What are you trying to do, make all my friends think I'm a dweeb? Mother: Of course not. 14-Year-Old Daughter: If you won't let us drink here, there are plenty of guys Dad's age who'll let us party at their house. Mother: Oh, all right...How much beer do you think you'll need for the party?

 

University Administrator: No, you cannot return here in the fall. You have repeatedly failed to meet academic standards. Plus, there's those stalking incidents... Psycho Student: Why are you persecuting me? What are you trying to do, ruin my life? University Administrator: Of course not. Psycho Student: I do suffer from depression, you know. University Administrator: Oh, all right...Here's your schedule for next semester.

 

Presidential Candidate: No, I don't want to go on your radio show. The way you talk about women and minorities makes me very uncomfortable. Shock Jock: Why are you being such an ass? What are you trying to do, harsh my buzz? Presidential Candidate: Of course not. Shock Jock: This is a free country, at least it was last time I checked. Presidential Candidate: Oh, all right...Book me for next Thursday.

 

Stewardess: No, you cannot remain on the plane. Your behaviors have caused several of the passengers to think you could be on some kind of suicide mission. Belligerent Airline Passenger: Why are you so intolerant of Muslim men trying to light their wallets? What are you trying to do, profile me? Stewardess: Of course not. Belligerence Airline Passenger: If you continue this harassment, I will sue the airlines, and all the passengers who have lodged complaints against me. Stewardess: Oh, all right...Buckle your seat belt.

 

Talk Show Host: No, you cannot co-host this show if you are going to refer to American soldiers as baby-killers, compare Christians to Islamofascist terrorists, and accuse the Bush administration of orchestrating the 9-11 attacks. Talk Show Co-host: Why are you being such a bitch? What are you trying to do, destroy my career? Talk Show Host: Of course not. Co-host: I have a wife and kids to support, you know...and f you even think about firing me, I will kick that scrawny little ass of yours 'til it falls off. Talk Show Host: Oh, all right...See you tomorrow.

 

The Unsung Heroes of the Virginia Tech Massacre: Anonymous Blog Commenters

No offense to any of the kids at Vermont Tech - well, let's be honest, they really aren't kids - but instead of cowering under a desk and waiting for Barney Fife to show up and save their asses, you'd think one of them would have taken this guy out with the nearest weapon - you know, chalk-covered eraser, corner of a Pee-Chee folder, crumpled up scratch paper - you can improvise if you know what you're doing.

Of course, the first thing I do when I walk into a room is wargame every possible scenario so I'm ready to engage if something goes down, so needless to say, things would have turned out a little differently if I'd been at VT Monday morning.

Posted by: Lock N. Load - April 18, 2007 02:44 PM

 

I'm with you, Lock. You know, it's hard to fault people who don't have the benefit of my extensive martial arts training, but come on, how hard could it be to subdue one little Asian guy with a couple of puny handguns? One flying quad kick and that guy would have been begging for mercy.

But, you know, no offense to those p*ssies at VT who probably used women as human shields instead of fighting like real men.

Posted by: Reddy 2 Roll - April 18, 2007 02:47 PM

 

Technical Notes

Sorry the site's been loading so slow lately. I moved Blogads to the right sidebar thinking that would help, but according to Dan Collins, WuzzaDem's Chief Technical Officer, the blog was "Acting all goofy and stuff" - I don't understand all that technical terminology, but I took it to mean something was wrong, so I took Blogads off the site for now, I'm waiting to hear from them.

Speaking of high-tech type stuff, I might not know much about this whole "blogging" thing, but I've discovered I'm somewhat of a "hacker", as the kids say.

I use my laptop a lot. In fact, I spend the majority of my day with my eyes fixed on this:

 

 

Oh yeah, that's a Dell Latitude D620. And my ear is usually stuck to this thing:

 

 

Uh-huh. Plantronics CS50 wireless headset. Aaaaaand my ass is generally planted in one of these:

 

 

That's right, I ride an Aeron. And not with the funky "lumbar support" bar, either - Posture Fit rules.

What was I talking about? Oh, right - the laptop. So, during the day, I just throw it onto a port replicator...

 

 

...OK, we don't need to show the port replicator. I'm sure everyone's seen them before. Anyway, I use the port replicator so that I don't have to go through the hassle of hooking up all the peripherals - you know, printer...

 

 

All right, knock it off. We've all seen printers. You don't need to throw up a visual every time...

 

 

STOP IT! That's disgusting!

 

 

That's it, you're fired!

 

 

Yeah, same to you, now get your stuff and get out.

Sorry about that. Now I forgot what I was talking about.

 

 

Oh, right - the laptop. Hey, what are you doing here? I thought I fired you.

 

 

OK, I guess I can give you another shot.

 

 

You're welcome.

 

 

I said, you're welcome. So, like I was saying...

 

 

All right! I said, you're welcome, now let's just get back to work, OK? So, like I was saying, I use a port replicator during the day, but at night I just put the laptop...on my lap. The battery heats up, and after a couple of hours it gets so hot it starts to burn my leg. In fact, here's what my leg looks like after using the laptop for two hours.

 

 

Oh, come on! That's not my leg.

 

Neither is...you know what, just forget the leg. Anyway, I know what you techies are thinking:

"He should just get another fan."

"I'd replace the oscillator."

"Is that a zit on my zit?"

Well, I can barely find the the on/off switch, so I came up with a much simpler fix, and by accident, no less.

After I broke my leg I had to buy a couple of these Thermipaq clay-based hot/cold packs:

 

Yeah, those. One night, I just happened to throw one of them on top of the pillow I rest the laptop on when I'm sitting in my favorite chair at night, and after a couple of hours I noticed I couldn't feel the heat from the laptop. The hot pack was absorbing it.

Problem solved. And I didn't have to replace the oscillator. I'm sure those things aren't cheap.

And there's another benefit: I don't have to throw my hot pack in the microwave anymore.

 

 

We don't need to...never mind.

Anyway, watch your backs, nerds. And stay away from astringents, because they tend to exacerbate conditions caused by clogged pores.

 

An Andy Rooney Wasted on Sherry Fantasy: What Would Andy Say About Black Hoodies? [Mrs. R.]

Judging from what I'm seeing on my way to and from the corner grocery store every morning, black hoodies are all the rage, and it's not enough just to wear them. Apparently there are rules that apply:

Sorry, I just don't get it. What's up with these guys, anyway?...I'm assuming most of them are guys but I wouldn't swear to it.

Aren't they warm? It's over 90° outside. They can't all be allergic to sunlight. Shouldn't they be in school?

Maybe they just want everyone to think they're vampires.

Or, lords of the netherworld, you know, like the Grim Reaper.

But where are their scythes? Don't they know they need scythes? Maybe that's what they're concealing in those pouches of theirs. Little, miniature scythes.

No wonder you never see them sitting down - that, and the pants-around-the-ass thing...

Like when I went to see Grind House last week. There were four of them in the theater and I'll be damned if all four of them didn't stand up throughout the entire movie.

Maybe they're afraid that if they sit down, their pants won't survive the climb when they stand back up. Maybe that's what their hands are doing inside those pouches...hanging on to their pants.

By the way, have you noticed that these Gloomy Guses are proliferating like those tribble characters? Not that I'm quite sure what a tribble is, mind you, but from what I understand...

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z....

 

What Does Halle Berry Share With The "Little People"? Halle Berry

Just so you know, the person you're speaking with is none other than me, Halle Berry.

 

 

That's nice, lady, but I really need to know if you want fries with that.

The woman just gives and gives:

"I was just trying to chat anonymously and just be another person in the chatroom having a conversation," Berry said.

"When I decided to say: 'Oh by the way, the person you've been chatting with for a week is me, Halle Berry,' they thought I was just some kook.

H/T: Althouse

 

Easing Worried Minds in the Imus Aftermath [Mrs. R.]

Don Imus says something so egregious it makes national headlines.

As a result, a lot of people are outraged by what Don Imus said.

Consequently, other people are outraged that a lot of people are outraged by what Don Imus said.

And before you know it, the outraged-by-the-outraged are issuing the following warning:

The Thought Police are on the march, goose-stepping their way towards your inner sanctum, willing to do whatever it takes to jello-fy your mind.

 

For the record, there are no such things as Thought Police, at least not three-dimensional ones, not even in oppressive countries like the United States.

Thought Police only exist in, of all places, one's thoughts.

For the record, the technology needed to perform deep-noodle probes doesn't exist, either.

"Not yet," the outraged-by-the-outraged hyperventilate. "It's never too late for 1984, and it's just a matter of time before Minority Report is reality."

Not likely. Despite such predictions, it would take decades to develop such capabilities; and by then, all of our thoughts will have been rendered jerky by a plethora of greenhouse gases.

So rest easy. Your inner sanctum remains secure and your freedom of thought intact. What does, or doesn't, come out the cake-hole is your call.

 

A Code of Conduct for the Misbehaved [Mrs. R.]

No, not for Don Imus, or MSNBC. For bloggers.

Well-intentioned, but not very comprehensive. No suggestions on how to deal with sock puppets, for instance.

But all bloggers are welcomed to participate by identifying their site's guidelines with one of two logos:

(That Fonzi is so incorrigible)!

 

John Edwards: Reaching Out To Supporters. And...Whoever

To: John Edwards Campaign Headquarters
From: John from WuzzaDem
Subject: What's up with Elizabeth?

Hey, what's the deal with Elizabeth Edwards saying her neighbor refuses to clean up his “slummy” property? Doesn't she realize that some people have to budget their money?

Geez.

To: John from WuzzaDem
From: John Edwards
Subject: RE: What's up with Elizabeth?

Mr. Dem,

Elizabeth and I are grateful for you support, and want you to know that we share your concern for the struggling middle class in this country.

Our campaign—a campaign based on ideas and reaching out to people—goes on and it goes on strongly, and your contribution of $100, $200 or $500 will aid us in our fight to help people who are worried about feeding and clothing their kids; people without health care; people facing hardships overseas.

Both of us are committed to this campaign. We're committed to this cause and we're committed to changing this country we love so much.

Thank you again for your support and for standing with us.

John Edwards

To: John Edwards
From: John from WuzzaDem
Subject: What?

Did you hit your head or something?

I ask you what your wife's problem is and you hit me up for a donation?

Get a grip, dude.

To: John from WuzzaDem
From: John Edwards
Subject: RE: What?

John,

Please know that Elizabeth and I share your concern for the billions of people who experience head injuries every year in this country, and the comprehensive health care plan I've proposed (I'm sure it's on my web site somewhere) will guarantee health insurance for everyone in this country.

Your contribution of $50 or $100 will ensure that every American gets the treatment or medication they're entitled to under the Constitution.

Thank you again for your support and for standing with us.

John Edwards

To: John Edwards
From: John from WuzzaDem
Subject: WTF?

How dense can you possibly be?

I'm obviously not a supporter, but you keep asking me for contributions.

HELLO?

To: John from WuzzaDem
From: John Edwards
Subject: RE: WTF?

WTF,

Campaign finance reform is an issue on the minds of many Americans, and I support the efforts of people who want to fix it so that it's not a thing that people think is a problem any more. In fact, I'd be willing to bet I've put together some kind of plan or something - I should look around the web site later, this is bound to come up in the debates.

Anyhoo, your contribution of $5, $10, or $25 will help us make sure the thing you don't like is either eliminated or fixed so that you like it.

Thank you again for your support and for standing with us.

John Edwards

To: John Edwards
From: John from WuzzaDem
Subject: Stop e-mailing me!

Take me off your mailing list, you asswipe! What kind of campaign are you running? You don't even bother to read e-mails before you start asking people for money.

Leave me alone.

To: John from WuzzaDem
From: John Edwards
Subject: RE: Stop e-mailing me!

So, you can't spare a ten dollar donation?

John Edwards

To: John Edwards
From: John from WuzzaDem
Subject: No

No. No, I can't.

To: John from WuzzaDem
From: John Edwards
Subject: Fine

How about five bucks. Come on, you can't get up off of five measly dollars?

John Edwards

UPDATE: Does anyone know how to block e-mails?

Don Imus Is Getting His Act Together and Taking It On the Road [Mrs. R.]

 

"There's no people like you people, like no people I know..."

 

Don Imus and Elizabeth Edwards Say All The Right Things At The Local Starbucks

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

 

 

Yeah, you got any Irish coffee?

 

 

I'm sorry, I'm afraid we...

 

 

You're Irish, aren't you?

 

 

No, I'm not. As I was saying...

 

 

Well, you look like you've been hittin' the sauce, so I just assumed you were a mick.

 

 

I see. Well, I'm not, so...

 

 

So, what are you, a spic?

 

 

No sir...

 

 

A WOP?

 

 

No

 

 

A gook?

 

 

No, and I wish you'd...

 

 

Well, you're sure as hell not dark enough to be a...

 

 

Sir, PLEASE! I'm really not comfortable with this conversation. I think you're being a little insensitive.

 

 

Insensitive?? Do you know how much money I give to charity?

 

 

No, I don't, and to tell you the truth, right now I don't care, so...

 

 

Oh, I get it - a Jew. Shoulda known.

 

 

I'm going to have to ask you to...

 

 

Cheap cheap cheap!

 

 

THAT'S IT! I'm going to have to ask you to leave this gourmet coffee establishment.

 

 

Coffee?? I thought this was a bar. See you around, Cheapy McSpic.

 

 

Sigh. Can I help you, ma'am?

 

 

What, you can't bother to put on a tie?

 

 

This is my uniform, ma'am.

 

 

Well, The Senator and I support the troops, but you look like a common servant.

 

 

Serving people is part of my job.

 

 

Well, if you're happy in a dead-end job, that's your business.

 

 

What's that supposed to mean?

 

 

That's nice. Listen, I want to lodge a complaint.

 

 

Sure, what's the problem?

 

 

I've been trying to get to this counter for about five minutes, but there were six or eight very rude people who refused to move out of my way.

 

 

That was the line.

 

 

I don't understand.

 

 

The line...those people got here before you, so they...

 

 

Apology accepted, just make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

 

I wasn't apologiz...

 

 

Are you going to take my order or not?

 

 

Sure - what would you like?

 

 

What's the most luxurious and expensive coffee on your menu? The rarest jewel in your coffee crown, so to speak.

 

 

The rarest jewel? I don't know, I guess that would be our Caramel Macchiato.

 

 

That sounds divine. Please prepare one for me and one for The Senator.

 

 

Um...OK.

 

 

Can't you at least throw some linen tablecloths on these tables? This place looks like one of those fast food establishments you see on television.

 

 

I'll see what I can do. Here you go, two Caramel Macchiatos, that'll be...

 

 

Paper cups? The Senator and I DO NOT drink from paper cups!

 

 

I should have gone to the bar with that old guy.

Mmmmm... Caramel.

 

Fighting Quagmire with Quagmire [Mrs. R.]

 

From the Already Infamous "2001: A Timeline of What Could Have Been (if Al Gore Had Been Elected President)" Google-it!-post from Phoenix Woman at Firedoglake... August 29, 2005: Katrina hits Louisiana and Mississippi as a Category Three hurricane. Flooding kills seventeen persons, but forecasters say that it could have had a far deadlier impact if the wetlands and marshes protecting New Orleans — marshes that under Clinton and Gore were protected and growing, after decades of shrinking at the hands of developers — did not exist...

 

Those of us who realize that wetlands emit nearly a fourth of the world's atmospheric methane (one of the most potent of greenhouse gases), need to stop patronizing and coddling the lying liars who portray themselves as environmental activists. Yep. Environmental activists who own five private jets, oppose wind farms near their family's beachfront estate (and not because of the birds they would kill), and whose excessive home energy consumption could better serve our nation's energy needs by powering more no-waste-of-electricity-and-fuel-here reality shows like ego trip's The (white) Rapper (from the environmentally-hip folks at VH1...) Republican Senators Aren't Warming Up To Al Gore's Live Earth Concert Like Al Pacino in "The Godfather Part III," just when eco warrior Al Gore thinks he's pulled himself free of Washington, D.C.'s partisan politics, he gets pulled right back into the muck.

 

Floating back down to Earth...

Wetlands produce more methane gas than coal, oil, and natural gas combined; as does the enteric fermentation and animal waste associated with the production of cool leather jackets and S & M paraphernalia.

It's time Americans start dealing with the realities of climate change: The war on global warming has turned into a quagmire reminiscent of Vietnam. And like Vietnam, it is a war that is both unwinnable and unsustainable. (Now, let's see how the hysterically unhinged deal with the kind of abject defeatism they sprinkle on our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan daily, as if it were magic pixie dust).