WuzzaDem

After His "Botched Joke" Costs Him a Chance At The 2008 Democratic Presidential Nomination, John Kerry Tries To Make Sure He's "Crystal Clear" Whenever He Speaks

"Now, I hope you understand that I never actually had your nose, I was simply employing an optical illusion in which I place the end of my thumb between my index and middle fingers, thereby simulating your "nose". My intent, of course, was to amuse you."

SOTU Analysis

Nancy Pelosi blinked an average of 97 times per minute, and I'm pretty sure she chewed a hole through her bottom lip. Was she on speed or what?

 

 

Oh, Bush said something about immigration or social security or health care or whatever. I wasn't really paying attention.

 

 

Anyway, Pelosi arm wrestled Bush and won, so I'm pretty sure she's president now.

 

 

I don't know if you noticed, but Hillary was really wasted.

 

 

UPDATE: Here's an old post with Chris Matthews' analysis of the February '05 SOTU. The man knows his politics.

 

Sorry, Still Down

Well, not really down - at least I'm out of bed. I can only walk using pain pills and I'm taking crutches for the pain, but they're not really thinking my affecting.

I should be able to post something soon, meanwhile you can check out this video:

[CONTENT WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED]

 

And Now, To Answer Reader Mail While Intoxicated

Dear John,

Oh God! I knew this was going to happen! It's my fault, it's all my fault. I should have listened, should have been a better partner, should have asked what she wanted from life...

Wait a second, I'm happily married, why would someone send me a...Oh, that's right, that's my name. What a relief.

I enjoy reading your blog.

Holy crap, I have a blog?? I should probably update that thing. Let's see, I'll need to find my user name and password - actually, I'd better figure out the URL first...Oh, wait, I guess I'm updating it now. I'll just cross that off the old to-do list.

I read a lot of blogs

So what? Am I supposed to be impressed? Seriously, I get e-mail from a lot of asswipes, but you're the first person who's ever written to me just to brag about how many blogs they read. Here's a newsflash, dickhead - there are a lot of people who "read a lot of blogs" and they're not writing to people to brag about it.

Why would you even tell me that?

I'm only telling you that because I want you to know that your blog is my favorite.

Oh. I see. Well, um...thanks. Sorry about that stuff I said about...well, you know.

I thought maybe you'd like to check out my blog

Well, if you want me to read your blog a link would help. I'm not psychic, you know.

Here's the link

That's more like it.

I've already blogrolled WuzzaDem, and if you like my blog I'd appreciate a reciprocal link.

You know, I get really tired of people asking to be linked when they haven't put me on their blogroll.

Like I said, I've already blogrolled you

Oh, right - you did say that.

so a link would be appreciated

Are you still harping on this link thing? Drop it already, man! You sound like a broken record.

Anyway, don't mean to harp on the link request, I realize I must sound like a broken record.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it...

Again, I love WuzzaDem. Take care.

I'm going to make a note to check out this WuzzaDem. And answer my mail more often.

UPDATE: Just remembered I don't drink. I guess I'm just really tired.

 

AP Finally Gets Closure On the Jamil Hussein Story

Iraq threatens arrest of police officer
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
Four hours ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - The Interior Ministry acknowledged Thursday that an Iraqi police officer whose existence had been denied by the Iraqis and the U.S. military is in fact an active member of the force, and said he now faces arrest for speaking to the media.

The captain, whose full name is Jamil Gholaiem Hussein, was one of the sources for an AP story in late November about the burning and shooting of six people during a sectarian attack at a Sunni mosque.

Khalaf said Thursday that with the arrest of Hussein for breaking police regulations against talking to reporters, the AP would be called to identify him in a lineup as the source of its story.

Should the AP decline to assist in the identification, Khalaf said, the case against Hussein would be dropped. He also said there were no plans to pursue action against the AP should it decline.

 

Iraqi Police Captain Arrested
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
Three-and-a-half hours ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - A spokesman for the Khadra police department confirms that police Capt. Jamil Gholaiem Hussein, one of a number of sources for an AP November story about the burning and shooting of six people during a sectarian attack at a Sunni mosque has been arrested.

Police initially said that Hussein would be arrested on Thursday after the Eid al-Adha holiday, but he surrendered without incident earlier. Hussein is being held in Khadra, pending identification by AP personnel.

Asked to comment, AP executive editor Kathleen Carroll said, "I can't say we're happy about Mr. Hussong being arrested, but this should silence the anonymous Internet writers who were questioning whether of not Jamal even existed."

 

Iraqi Police Officer Identified
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
Two hours, forty-seven minutes ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - An Iraqi police officer who witnessed an attack on a Sunni mosque has been positively identified by a member of AP's Baghdad staff as one of their sources for the story, which was originally reported late in November.

Capt. Jamil Hussein was arrested for violating a regulation that bars all but authorized spokesmen from talking to media. AP has learned that a trial date will be set soon.

Kathleen Carroll, executive editor and a senior vice president of The Associated Press said, "Jamie has been one of the AP's best sources, and we wish him the best in his upcoming trial."

 

Dramatic Testimony In Jamil Hussein Trial
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
Two hours ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - A hush fell over the courtroom earlier as Capt. Jamil Gholaiem Hussein, an eyewitness to a grisly attack on a Sunni mosque in which six men were burned alive, stunned members of the jury and courtroom observers alike as he recounted the details of the attack.

AP executive editor Kathleen Carroll, who was present, said, "Joe's testimony was riveting. You could hear a pin drop in that courtroom."

Legal experts say they expect the trial to wrap up fairly quickly.

 

Jamil Hussein Innocent
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
Fifty-two minutes ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Jamil Hussein, the Khadra police officer who was tried for speaking with the press, was found innocent and released today. Hussein was one of several people who saw a mob of Shia thugs destroy at least nine mosques and burn scores of Sunni worshippers alive.

Kathleen Carroll, executive editor for the Associated Press, expressed relief. "We're very happy for Jack, and I'm personally relieved that his wife and three children won't be left to fend for themselves."

Hussein could not be reached for comment.

 

Acquitted Iraqi Cop Leaves Iraq
By STEVEN R. HERST, Associated Press Writer
twelve minutes ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Police Captain Jamil Hussein, recently acquitted on charges of speaking to the media without authorization, boarded a plane for an undisclosed location just moments ago, saying he feared retribution from the Shia gangsters he saw murder hundreds of innocent Sunni women and children and destroy more than twenty mosques during the course of a three-day killing spree last November.

AP executive editor Kathleen Carroll, asked for comment, said "Jim-Bob's wife and children were tragically killed during the massacre last November, so there's really nothing to keep him here," adding, "Maybe now we'll - I mean he'll have some peace."

 

Well, at least it's over now. It is over, right? Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Blogging means never having to say you're sorry.

 

Now That's Funny

I love Howard Fineman.

I mean, I love to laugh at him.

John Conyers: Just Another Day At the Office

Congressman Conyers - what are you doing here?

 

 

Sorry to bother you at home, Congressman Mollohan, but I need a favor.

 

 

Certainly, come in. What is it?

 

 

Well, I need to store a frozen turkey - actually, sixty turkeys.

 

 

Sixty turkeys?

 

 

Yes, there was...there was a sale, so I stocked up.

 

 

I'd like to help you, but we really don't have any room here.

 

 

No room? How can you not have any room? This is a huge house.

 

 

Hey, I bought it with money I got from an inheritance!

 

 

I wasn't trying to say...

 

 

And I got lucky on a couple of real estate investments!

 

 

Take it easy, Mollohan, no one's accusing you of anything illegal.

 

 

All right, sorry I can't help you. You know, I have a non-profit group, if you'd like to donate any of those turkeys.

 

 

Um, maybe another time.

 

 

You're allowed to make a profit from a non-profit organization you know.

 

 

Good to know.

 

 

It's perfectly legal!

 

 

I'm sure it is. I'll see you at work.

 

Later...

 

 

So, Congressman Jefferson, I just need to store these turkeys until the heat dies...I mean, for a few days.

 

 

I'd like to help you, John, but have a bit of a storage problem myself.

 

 

I see.

 

 

In fact, I was about to call you and ask if I could store a little "green" in your freezer.

 

 

I'm not sure you can freeze vegetables.

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Thanks for the tip.

 

 

I'd really like to help you, John, but I don't own a freezer.

 

 

I can see two freezers in your kitchen.

 

 

Those aren't my freezers, they're owned by a corporation.

 

 

A corporation owns the freezers in your kitchen?

 

 

They own the kitchen, too.

 

 

What would a corporation want with your kitchen and freezers?

 

 

Well, legally, neither the kitchen nor the freezers are mine, and since I'm not an officer of the corporation, I have no idea what they do with their kitchen and/or freezers on a day-to-day basis.

 

 

I see.

 

 

It's all perfectly legitimate.

 

 

Of course.

 

 

Don't worry, Connie, I can help you out.

 

 

Excellent. Excuse me a moment, John, I need a word with my chief of staff.

 

 

ANDY! You missed a spot!

 

 

Sorry, sir, I'm a little tired.

 

 

Tired? From what?

 

 

Well, so far today I've given your dog a bath, done "poop patrol" in your back yard, trimmed your hedges...

 

 

That's what you get paid for! Now, get busy - I want to see my turkeys in the reflection of that car when you're done.

 

 

Yes, sir.

 

 

Sorry, John - it's just hard to find good help these days.

 

 

No problem. Now, let's meet at my office in one hour - bring the turkeys.

 

 

Can do.

 

 

And bring a briefcase with $50,000 in small, unmarked bills.

 

 

$50,000??

 

 

We'll need to cut my brother in on the action, too.

 

 

Why would I give you $50,000?

 

 

Whoa! Who said anything about giving me $50,000?

 

 

I just assumed...

 

 

I'm just thinking of my district, that's all. I have a duty to my constituents...

 

 

Just forget I asked, John.

 

 

Let's go, Andy.

 

 

We're blocked in right now, sir.

 

 

Blocked in? What do you mean?

 

 

Karl Rove's car is right behind yours, but the police are towing it right now - he parked in front of a fire hydrant.

 

 

That's outrageous! You mark my words, Andy - now that we're back in power we'll put an end to this Republican culture of corruption.

 

 

I'm sure we will, sir.

 

 

By the way, you're being paid in turkeys this week.

 

Geez:

On November 23, staff members picked up 60 turkeys from a local food bank, ostensibly to deliver to those in need. However, the Director of the charity became suspicious when word reached him that a federal court worker was offered a turkey by a member of Conyers' staff. Conyers has also failed to meet a December 27 deadline to provide an accounting of where the birds were delivered.

Drain that swamp, Nancy!

Thanks to Larwyn.

 

If You're a Fan of "Loose Change," You'll Want To See This

Oh, you're not a fan?

Then you'll really want to see the Loose Brains morons debating Popular Mechanics.

Dylan Avery is a regular brayn serjun.

 

"Me lose brain."

 

"Well, I don't think you've actually lost your brain..."

 

"No, me lose brain!"

 

"You see, that's medically impossible, because..."

 

"ME LOSE BRAIN!"

 

"What in the world makes you think you've lost your brain?"

 

"I no see brain!"

 

"Umm...yeah, well, it's hard to argue with that."

 

"Me win debate!"

Best exchange:

Dylan Avery (Loose Brains creator): "Kevin Ryan works for, uh, I don't remember the exact name, but it was a subdivision of Underwriters Laboratories, which did water testing, but...he got the word from his higher-ups that they had actually certified the steel [from the World Trade Center], and his science still adds up."

David Dunbar (exec editor, Popular Mechanics): "In fact, Underwriters Laboratories does not certify structural steel."

Dylan Avery: "Oh...OK."