The Fantasy "If Chris Matthews Wasn't Such a Woman & MSNBC's Hardball Wasn't Better Suited for Oxygen or the Lifetime Channel" Hardball College Tour [Mrs. R.]

On today's F"ICMWSAW&MHWBSFOOTLC"HCT, host Chris Matthews interviews the director and the star of the The Good Shepard, Robert DeNiro and Matt Damon (currently in progress)...

 

And if you're gonna send people to war... if we all get together and decide we need to go to war...

 

 

Please explain "if we all get together and decide we need to go to war"...What, exactly, does that mean?

 

 

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?

 

 

I mean, didn't we all, at least the majority of us, do that when we elected people to Congress who supported this war?

 

 

You do realize that's how our system of government works, don't you?

 

 

And, all things considered, it's worked pretty darned well for the last 230 years, don't you think?

 

 

I mean, take a guy like you... Upper middle-class background, went to Harvard, makes millions of dollars a year parading around in front of a camera, pretending to be someone he's not...

 

 

You didn't let me finish, Chris...

 

 

What I was going to say is that if we all get together and decide we need to go to war then that needs to be shared by everybody, you know...

 

 

And if the President has daughters who are of age then maybe they should go, too.

 

 

You're joking, right?

 

 

 

 

Not at all. Why shouldn't the Bush twins be sent to Iraq?

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way...

 

 

 

 

And, frankly, pretty disappointed in you...

 

 

I mean, what kind of a man would suggest that the Bush daughters - or any woman in this country - be conscripted to fight in Iraq?

 

 

 

 

In case you hadn't noticed, Chris, there are a lot of female American soldiers serving in Iraq.

 

 

 

 

Not in combat roles, they're not.

 

 

 

 

Besides, the American soldiers serving in Iraq, men and women, chose to join the military.

 

 

Contrary to what you might think, some Americans want to serve their county, or feel honor bound to do so...

 

 

 

 

These people weren't drafted, you know. They enlisted.

 

 

You do know that, don't you?

 

 

 

 

Of course I do. But the question is, why are these young men and women enlisting in the military?

 

 

I'll tell you why. They have to.

 

 

Either because of financial reasons, or because they're just plain...

 

 

 

 

Go on...just plain what?...

 

 

Um....Uh, I just don't think it's fair.

 

 

 

 

Life isn't fair...What's your point?

 

 

 

 

But let me ask you this...

 

 

Could either one of you, in a million years, picture a man like Jimmy Stewart...

 

 

Who, by the way, enlisted in the Air Force and flew combat missions over Germany during World War II,

 

 

Suggesting that women should fight our wars?

 

 

While able-bodied Hollywood hunks and hotshots sit around on their asses criticizing our country, our president, our war efforts, and the methods we use to gather intelligence?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yet, you never seem to have anything negative to say about the bad guys we're fighting over there in Iraq...

 

 

You would agree, wouldn't you, that they are bad guys?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just out of curiosity, did you two know that Clark Gable also served in World War II?

 

 

Or that he flew combat missions over Germany.

 

 

In fact, a lot of big-name celebrities served their country during that war...

 

 

Guys like Glenn Ford, Sir Alec Guinness, Frank Capra, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Henry Fonda, Kirk Douglas, William Holden, Richard Burton, Jack Lemmon, Rex Harrison, Roger Moore, Peter O'Toole, George Stevens, Sammy Davis Jr., James Mason, Mel Brooks, Charles Durning, Ted Williams, Bob Feller, Rod Steiger, Donald Pleasance, Gene Roddenberry, Scotty on Star Trek, The Professor-guy on Gilligan's Island, Bob Keeshan, aka Captain Kangaroo, Rod Serling, ...

 

 

The list goes on and on...

 

 

Did you know that back in 1943 when Sidney Poitier was only 16 he joined the US Army, lying to recruiters about his age so they'd accept him?

 

 

Admittedly, he may have - and I say may have because I don't know - wanted to join because he was living on the streets of New York and having a tough time of it...

 

 

But all in all, he did okay for himself by joining the Army, wouldn't you agree?

 

 

 

 

Uh, don't you have to go to a commercial break or something?

 

 

Ever hear the rumors about Leslie Howard, that rather foppish looking British actor?

 

 

Leslie who?

 

 

 

 

Not only did he fight in Word War I, but in the second World War, story has it that he was killed helping British intelligence foil a Nazi plot to kill Winston Churchill.

 

 

 

 

It's kind of ironic, isn't it? I mean, here's this Howard guy who frequently played these milquetoast characters on screen, but in real life he was a truly courageous and heroic figure.

 

 

 

 

Matt Damon, on the other hand, plays these truly courageous and heroic characters on screen, but in real life he's kind of a milquetoast who expects women to fight our wars for us...

 

 

 

 

And, he's not the least bit ashamed to admit that on national television.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's so funny?

 

 

I was just thinking about when Elia Kazan won the Lifetime Achievement Oscar and Marty Scorsese and I accompanied him on stage to keep the audience from booing him...

 

 

I remember that...God, that was so funny.

 

 

Remember that mohawk I was sporting and the way I was standing there scowling, with my arms folded, like I was some kind of kung fu bad-ass?

 

 

Yeah...but that's not how you came across. You looked like you were going to shit your pants.

 

 

Tell me about it...

 

 

Not one of your best performances...

 

 

Maybe not, but it sure worked, didn't it?

 

 

That was the best part...No one in the audience made a peep.

 

 

Yeah... What a bunch of p*ssies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, Chris, maybe guys like us aren't as tough as we'd like people to think we are...

 

 

But we just don't have the balls to admit it...

 

 

Not to mention what it would do to our careers if we admitted that we didn't have any balls...

 

 

Maybe that's why we've been doing everything in our power to undermine our country's war efforts...

 

 

Trying to deflect attention away from our own balls-lessness...

 

 

Just like we did in Vietnam...

 

 

Only this time it's worse because our enemies came to my city and killed three thousand of my neighbors...

 

 

We?... Uh, excuse me, but I was, like, 5 years old when we pulled out of Vietnam...

 

 

So don't try to hang that on me...I had nothing to do with us losing that war.

 

 

No, you didn't, but you're sure as hell ain't helping us win the war in Iraq.

 

 

Oh, really? Example, please?

 

 

Well, like all that stuff you're saying about waterboarding, how you believe it doesn't work, how dishonorable it is, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....

 

 

I mean, just because we shot a scene about waterboarding in The Good Shepard doesn't make us experts on the subject...

 

 

Yet to hear you talk, you're Mr. Waterboard 2006.

 

 

You know, I worked with Donald Pleasance on a Kazan film back in the '70s. Now he was an expert on torture.

 

 

He was captured by the Nazis in World War II and spent a year in a German prison camp... I'll bet he could have told you what torture can or cannot do.

 

 

Funny thing,...when the war started, he was a pacifist, a conscientious objector, but somehow he managed to overcome his fears and serve his country with great honor...

 

 

Let me tell you something, numb nuts, neither one of us knows shit about torture.

 

 

Could you torture anyone?

 

 

I don't think so.

 

 

Maybe not...But I'd like to think I could if I had to...

 

 

To protect my family and loved ones, my fellow countrymen...

 

 

My fellow countrymen have been pretty damned good to me. I know that much...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, Chris, the only reason Matt and I agreed to do this show was to hawk my new movie, The Good Shepard...

 

 

But, you know what? The movie blows. I mean, it really, really blows.

 

 

It's just another slick piece of anti-America propaganda from Hollywood, and I don't know why the hell I made it.

 

 

I should be ashamed of myself.

 

 

I am ashamed of myself.

 

 

And, Matt, if you're as smart as you think are, you'll express some shame, as well...

 

 

Are you serious? What's gotten into you, man? You're wussin' out on us here, big time...

 

 

You know what, Matt? Why don't you just go f*ck yourself...

 

 

Or that that girl you wrote Good Will Hunting with...

 

 

Like anyone believes that stunad actually co-wrote that screenplay...

 

 

And the little snot nose bastard wins an Oscar for it. First time he gets nominated, and he wins the Oscar.

 

 

And Marty Scorsese hasn't won one stinking Oscar in over thirty years in the business.

 

 

Hey, maybe I should make a film about that...

 

 

I could call it "Mr. Stunad Goes to Hollywood"...

 

And so ends another dreamy episode of F"ICMWSAW&MHWBSFOOTLC"HCT.

(H/T Flopping Aces)

Comments

[aj lynch]

Absolutely brilliant. I feel like I did after I saw Gladiator- I ran out of the theater and killed a few Visigoths.

[Amador]

Mrs. R,
You should get an award for this. Spellbinding !

[Jenny]

SPOT ON! I sure hope De Niro and Damon read this. I won't be contributing any money to anything MD ever does again.

[Redcard]

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! If this would actually happen, I might just have some hope for the future of this country and the world. I would love to hear what DeNiro and Damon would say about this.

[Jeff H]

A very long read, but worth it.

Bravo, Mrs. R.

[Beesh]

Matt Damon wouldn't know patriotism if it crawled out his @$$ and bit Ben Afleck's nose.

[Gordon]

I hated reaching the end. It was like being in a dream.

[Doug Ross]

Good stuff. I'll have a shot of irony. On second thought, make it a triple, and deliver it to the Hollywood stunads in the corner.

[Damian G.]

Brava!

[iamfelix]

Ah, if only ... well, a girl can dream ... Excellent work.

[TT]

That was pretty darn funny.

Too bad most of Hollywood is a toilet full.

[Wickedpinto]

I'm dissapointed you didn't throw ted williams in matts face.

Other than that, I think this is your best one yet.

[Wickedpinto]

If ted williams had played a full career rather than being a true patriot (wiki error, he wasn't "Called up", he was "requested" and he responded, theres a difference)so I think he lost a total of 7 years, though 2 of those years, were cancelled seasons, and if ted had been given a full career, as in 1/3 of a total career since 7 fricken years is a LONG FRIGGEN TIME! in all professional sports, ted would have completely re-written the record books, and not only did he not care, he was noble, and humble, and willing to recognize others. JD, better all around? okay thats cool, but JD's hitting streak is a joke, next to ted's CARREER achievements.

Sorry, it's a pet peave of mine, cuz of the whole shoeless joe blasphemy. Especially since ty cobb, a CONFESSED murderer, is in the hall.

[Jeff H]

Beesh: "Matt Damon wouldn't know patriotism if it crawled out his @$$ and bit Ben Afleck's nose."

I think that video is already up on YouTube.

[Rob B.]

Brilliant!

[Slick88]

I was dumbfounded as I read the whole thing, disappointed only by the fact that it ended. Really the best thing on this site in a long, long time. Other than the risk of becoming totally disillusioned I would readily say, "Do it again!"

[Mrs. R.]

WickedPinto

You're right about Ted Williams. Will add him to the list, as well.

[Pete]

WOW!!! That was just great!

[Joshua Chamberlain]

SO FUNNY!

[Michael Findlay]

That was absolutely brilliant! One of the best you have done since I've been visting this site. Bravo!!!! and Encore.

[Jeff H]

No, Mrs. R., Wickedpinto is wrong about Ted Williams. He lost not 7 seasons, but only approximately 5 seasons (all of 1943-45, most of 1952 and 1953). And no seasons were cancelled by Major League Baseball due to WWII. Wickedpinto's explanation of Ted's military career also lacks some important information, such as the fact that Ted got a deferment before finally enlisting (to avoid an almost certain draft "call up").

[Mrs. R.]

Jeff,

He also served in Korea, too, didn't he?

[Jeff H]

Yes. He was a very heroic and capable Marine fighter pilot. He once landed a jet that was on fire and should most likely have died--but he was too scared to eject because he was so tall, he thought it would take his kneecaps off if he did.

[Denise]

Brilliant!

[richard]

Proud to have been able to read this. Would that it were true. Thank you for pointing out Patriotism is never out of style. why, it almost makes me wish i'd post something on my blog....almost. :)

[Chris]

Don't forget Bob Feller. He lost four prime years to service in the Navy (I believe). I had the opportunity to meet him and thank him personally for his service.

[Mrs. R.]

Chris,

There are so many noted Americans who served in WWII. After reading your comment on Bob Feller, I looked up his military service and read that he enlisted in the Navy the day after Pearl Harbor and, specifically for combat duty. Also highly decorated.

I'll add him, too.

This would be a good project, listing all the celebrities who served their country in WWII and Korea along side a list of all the celebrities who, today, try to undermine our country's war efforts.

[no one you know]

Terrific. So well written. FUNNY too! I can totally hear the three of them talking like this.
Ah to have writing talent...wait, YOU shoulda won the Oscar!