WuzzaDem

Jim Webb Brings His Special Brand of Hospitality to the Local Starbucks

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

 

 

What kind of smartass crack is that?

 

 

Just trying to find out what you want, sir.

 

 

What I want is for you to mind your own damned business, are we clear?

 

 

Sorry, but I do need to take your order.

 

 

Look, pizza-face - Jim Webb doesn't take orders from anyone, so you can shut your piehole.

 

 

Do you want coffee or not, sir?

 

 

If I wanted coffee I'd go to a G-d damned Starbucks.

 

 

Sir, this is a Starbucks.

 

 

Am I supposed to be impressed?

 

 

Sir, if you don't order I'm going to have to ask you to step out of line.

 

 

All right, you don't have to be an a**hole about it. Give me a tall half-caff caramel macchiato with room.

 

 

Do you want soy milk with that?

 

 

That's between me and my tall half-caff caramel macchiato with room, isn't it?

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

I'm going back to med school.

Someone's got issues.

You know what's good with coffee? Fruitcake.

UPDATE: I can't take you anywhere! (H/T: Allah)

 

This Is No Laughing Matter

Crap, now I forgot what it is that is no laughing matter.

See, that's what I get for having a sandwich in between writing the title of the post and the actual post.

Well, whatever it was, I'm sure it was very sobering.

Unless I was joking.

Whatever. Just forget I said anything.

Fighting Islamophobia, One Bit At a Time

I'm not happy with the blatant Islamophobia I've been seeing on a lot of conservative blogs, so I've decided to add as a co-blogger a moderate Muslim friend of mine who will be writing hilarious moderate Muslim posts. Please join me in welcoming my new co-blogger, IzzaMuz.

Thank you, John. I sincerely appreciate being given this opportunity to fight Islamophobia with humor.

The honor is mine, Izzy. And remember, I have no intention of telling you what you can or can't write. You have carte blanche here at WuzzaDem.

Thank you, my friend.

So, I'm anxious to see your first post - what is it going to be?

John, I thought I would provide your readers with a moderate Muslim's perspective on his first encounter with an anthropomorphic metal fastening implement that is being subjugated and exploited by a large corporation.

Um...OK. You do remember our discussion about this being a humor blog, don't you?

Oh, my apologies. I meant to say my humorous first encounter with an anthropomorphic metal fastening implement that is being subjugated and exploited by a large corporation.

Yeah, I'm still not seeing the...Oh, do you mean Clippy?

Of course. I apologize if I was not clear.

No, no, it's my fault. If I knew more about Muslim culture I would have understood what you were saying. I really should do more reading.

You are too gracious, my friend. I want to thank you again for asking me to join you.

Not at all. Thank you for agreeing to post here.

No, thank you for the opportunity.

Thank you for...look, why don't you just go ahead with your post. Ladies and gentlemen - IzzaMuz.

 

Well, I am certainly enjoying the use of this American word processing software.

 

No, but I appreciate the offer, anthropomorphic metal fastening device. Perhaps another time.

 

You are most kind, but I do not...

 

Subjugated, you say?

 

That is outrageous! Who is this American Bill Gates?

 

Again, outrageous!

 

This Microsoft is an evil corporation!

 

Death to Microsoft!

 

Whoa! Whoa! Hold up a second!

I'm sorry, is there a problem, John?

Is there a problem?? You can't go around calling for someone's death!

John, I believe the "Death to Microsoft" meme was started by American open source and Mac enthusiasts.

Oh...right.

As well as people who were generally dissatisfied with Microsoft's popular Windows software.

Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry, I just assumed...man, this is embarrassing. I'm sorry, Izzy.

No need to apologize, John.

See, this is what happens when people jump to conclusions about Muslims. I'm redoubling my efforts to fight the rampant Islamophobia that caused me to overreact like that.

Thank you, my friend.

No, thank you. Please go on with your post, I'm going to see about finding another moderate Muslim co-blogger, I'll be back soon.

 

Death to Microsoft!

 

Death to Bill Gates!

 

And the filthy Zionists who undoubtedly fund his Jew corporation!

 

Allahu Akbar!

 

 

 

 

Hey! Hey!

Oh, hello John. Did you find another moderate Muslim co-blogger?

What the hell are you talking about? What is all this about killing Jews?

That was the punchline.

What's the matter with you? I thought you were a moderate!

Well, no one said anything about killing all Jews. Can I continue the post now?

You can't say that!

Oh, so now you want to edit my posts?

I'm not editing anything, you just can't say that!

I don't mean to be rude John, but you sound like a typical Islamophobe.

Look, this was a bad idea, OK? I think you should just leave.

Very well, John, but I think you're doing your readers a disservice.

Just go!

Death to WuzzaDem!

Hey! You're on notice, buddy.

This was not a good idea.

 

Great Moments In American Military History

October 19, 1781: British General Charles Cornwallis surrenders at Yorktown.

 

 

April 9, 1865: With his retreat blocked, Robert E. Lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox.

 

 

November 11, 1918: Representatives of France, Germany, and Britain meet in a train car outside the French town of Rethondes and sign the armistice that ends World War I.

 

 

September 2, 1945: Japanese officials formally surrender to allies aboard the U.S. battleship Missouri.

 

 

November 27, 2006: Some goofball on TV says he talked with "a lot of people" and checked the dictionary, thus making him an expert on the Iraq War, which he will now refer to as a "civil war".

 

 

Moments later: An unhinged old coot, appearing on the same TV show, claims he "knows Kung Fu", and that he was calling it a civil war "before it was even a war".

 

 

That evening: Asswipe on a cable news show confuses all three of his viewers when he explains that the conflict in Iraq is a civil war between "she-males and Moonies."

Whutever, d00d.

Thanks to Dan Collins for the idea.

 

Hardball: Michael Richards

Welcome back to Hardball, I'm Chris Matthews. Where do we draw the line between free speech and offensive speech? Joining me via satellite is Michael Richards, who played Kramer on the old Seinfeld show. Mr. Richards, welcome to the show.

 

 

Thanks for having me, Chris. This isn't an easy thing for me to talk about, and I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak directly to the American people.

 

 

It's a touchy subject. Let me start by asking you, why in the world would a person - especially a public figure - feel the need to use hateful, inflammatory, racial epithets?

 

 

Well Chris, first I'd like to say that I'm deeply sorry for...

 

 

I mean, what was this guy thinking?

 

 

I'd also like to...I'm sorry, what was who thinking?

 

 

George Allen.

 

 

George Allen??

 

 

Of all things to say - macaca? That's a very offensive term.

 

 

I thought I was here to talk about...

 

 

Nobody wants to hear the word macaca. Macacas sure as hell don't want to hear it.

 

 

Well...

 

 

How would you feel if you were a macaca, and you turn on your TV - actually, I'm not sure macacas even watch TV...you know anything about macacas?

 

 

I really don't think...

 

 

OK, let's just say for the sake of argument that macacas do watch television.

 

 

Umm..OK.

 

 

Maybe they've got their own cable channel, like, I don't know, The Macaca Channel or something.

 

 

Could happen, I guess.

 

 

They might show macaca movies, macaca music videos, macaca-centric talk shows - maybe they have their own kind of "macaca Oprah."

 

 

So, you're a macaca, you're watching a nice macaca movie, maybe a macaca game show, eating whatever macacas eat, then the news comes on, and right there on the screen, you see this guy, George Allen, using the term "macaca". How would that make you feel?

 

 

I don't know. I suppose if I was a...a...

 

 

Macaca?

 

 

Right. If that's an offensive term, I don't think I'd like to hear anyone using it.

 

 

Exactly. Some people just don't get that. Anyway, why do you think he would say something so offensive? And by that, of course, I mean, macaca.

 

 

Umm...

 

 

I mean, come on, can you think of a more derogatory term for people of a specific race?

 

 

Not right off the top of my head.

 

 

Of course you can't. Look, we've had people in this country fighting for equal rights, practically forever - let's see, there was Martin Luther King, Al Sharpton, George Clooney, The Dixie Chicks.

 

 

Uh-huh.

 

 

You're a celebrity, I'm sure you've taken some stands or made some statements that didn't exactly win you any popularity contests.

 

 

You have no idea.

 

 

You can say that again. The point is, I don't think we'll be seeing any tapes of Michael Richards saying "macaca" any time soon, right?

 

 

Let's hope not.

 

 

Anyway, that's the show, thanks to Michael Richards, and be sure to join us again tomorrow for day 95 of MacacaGate here on Hardball - I'm Chris Macaca.

 

 

 

 

I mean Matthews.

 

Steny Hoyer: Magnanimous In Victory

"Hey Nancy, Jack - I got your votes right here"

Well, at least Pelosi and Murtha can take solace in the fact that it was close. Oh, wait - no, it wasn't.

149-86

Landslide

UPDATE:

"How many of these did you get? Was it 86? I can't remember."

UPDATE II:

"I got 149, did you know that? Just checking."

UPDATE III:

"Steny, I think you might be off by one vote."

"One vote, you say?"

"Yes, one."

"Well, I couonted them off on my fingers, but let me double-check my math."

"No, I was right - 149-86."

"All right, thanks for checking."

"No problem. See you soon, Madame Speaker."

"Right, see you soon."

"*Ahem*"

"Leader...Hoyer."

"I like the sound of that."

 

I Say No, But I Could Be Wrong. Or Right. Whatever.

Texas Rainmaker says this is a photo of ImaDinnerJacket taken during the 1979 seizure if the American embassy in Iran.

Follow his link for a full-size photo. This guy is standing against a brick wall, and he appears to be quite a bit taller than our friend from Tehran.

I don't think it's him. Compare to a photo of DinnerJacket back in the day:

Nope. Oh, well - I don't know how I could dislike him more, regardless.

UPDATE: Allah says no.

UPDATE II: Daniel Pipes isn't sure, but Pipes is also showing the photo that was circulating about the time Little Buddy was elected, which was also thought to be a picture of The Bon-Bon from Tehran:

Rusty and others debunked this one over a year ago:

That's definitely not him.

 

John Hawkins Interviews Mark Steyn

Right here.

I'm assuming Hawkins is the one with the computer.

 

John Murtha Gets Down to Business as House Majority Leader

I know what you want, and I'm not going to bullsh*t you - I can get it done for you.

 

 

After all, I'm the G*d-damned House Majority Leader, so I've got more than a little pull around here.

 

 

Now, let's talk about how I do business. When you come to my office tomorrow you bring a briefcase with $50,000 in small bills, or don't bother coming at all.

 

 

Are we clear?

 

 

What the h*ll are you talking about?

 

 

...

 

 

Sorry, wrong meeting.

 

 

...

 

 

I'm a veteran!

Well, at least he's not part of the Culture Of Corruption.

Talk about family values.

UPDATE: It's on!

 

Time to Open a Dialogue With the Rest of the World

World Welcomes Shift in U.S. Politics:

The electoral rebuke for President Bush and the resignation of his defense secretary, both deeply unpopular away from American shores over the Iraq war, was celebrated throughout Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

Was there music at this celebration? You know, I'm not a huge fan of country music, but I've always liked Johnny Cash.

 

He was kind of a rebel.

In Paris, American expatriates and French citizens alike packed the city's main American haunts to watch results overnight and early Wednesday, with some standing to cheer or boo as vote tabulations came in.

One Frenchman, 53-year-old teacher Jean-Pierre Charpemtrat, said it was about time U.S. voters figured out what much of the rest of the world already knew.

"Americans are realizing that you can't found the politics of a country on patriotic passion and reflexes," he said. "You can't fool everybody all the time _ and I think that's what Bush and his administration are learning today."

Hey, Pierre, you're French, right? So you must be into art n'stuff. Have you seen this?

 

I think DaVinci painted that. It's one of my favorites.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, Jens Langfeldt, 35, said he didn't know much about the midterm elections but was opposed to Bush, referring to the president as "that cowboy."

Now, it's true that Bush lived in Texas, but he's not really what you'd call a "cowboy." Check this guy out:

 

Now, that's a cowboy.

Passions were even higher in Pakistan, where Bush is deeply unpopular despite billions in aid and support for President Gen. Pervez Musharraf.

One opposition lawmaker, Hafiz Hussain Ahmed, said he welcomed the election result, but was hoping for more. Bush "deserves to be removed, put on trial and given a Saddam-like death sentence," he said.

I don't speak Urdu or whatever, so let me respond to Mr. Ahmed using the international sign for mutual respect.

 

 

In an extraordinary joint statement, more than 200 Socialist members of the European Parliament hailed the American election results as "the beginning of the end of a six-year nightmare for the world."

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who has consistently railed against the Bush administration, called the election "a reprisal vote."

We as a country certainly have our differences with the Socialist members of the EU, and with Mr. Chavez, but I think it's time we try to find some common ground, so on behalf of the good people of the United States, I salute you, gentlemen.

 

Let's try to make this work - for the kids.

 

They deserve nothing less.

 

"Bite me!"

Well, most of them do, anyway.

 

OMG! THEY KILLED DENNY!

You bastards!

Outgoing House Speaker Dennis Hastert, whose Republican Party suffered sharp setbacks in the elections, will not seek to remain his party's congressional leader, two Republican officials said on Wednesday.

This can't be happening! It was bad enough losing the House and Senate, but, come on, this is Dennis Hastert!

I'm dashing off an e-mail pleading with him to stay on in a leadership position. I'll never be able to live down my shame if I just stand by and allow this to happen.

 

Live-Blogging the Election

I'll be live-blogging election coverage on various TV stations (mostly cable). Times are Pacific time:

6:15
Man, Howard Fineman is a dick.

6:18
Oh. My. GOD. Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann together.

6:19
Macaca! Macaca again! And a third time!

6:27
That guy's ahead. Cool.

6:34
How can they be calling it for her already?

6:42
That was a pretty stupid question.

6:43
Hmm...stupid answer.

6:48
Why is that guy calling on the "Republican" line?

6:56
WTF is that graphic supposed to show? OK, so they're moving the square marked "FL-22" from the top right to the bottom left. HOW ABOUT AN EXPLANATION? I'm sure Brit Hume knows what you're trying to say, but I don't.

7:14
Great - a political commercial telling me I should "Study the issues" before I vote. A LITTLE LATE, DON'T YOU THINK?

7:26
I'm going to stab myself in the eye if this guy doesn't stop talking.

7:39
That's a close race.

7:48
So's that one.

8:00
AAAAH! That sucks.

8:07
Tim Russert: Chalkboard alert!

8:11
Wow. Brian Williams sure knows a lot about what the troops in Iraq think.

8:11
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I'm calling Arizona for Kyl. Why? Why not? It's just a blog, so who gives a rat's ass what I call, right?

8:11
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Missouri goes to Talent! I mean, it could happen. Who knows.

8:28
Why isn't Chris Matthews talking about the Hawaii Senate race? Come one - THE GUY'S NAME IS AKAKA!

8:41
I don't believe it - Matthews just called Hawaii for Akaka with a straight face.

9:01
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the election.

9:09
*Sniff*

9:16
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

 

9:23
Rich Lowry just said Rumsfeld should go.

9:28
Nancy Pelosi waving to a crowd of cheering supporters as Foo Fighters plays in the background. That's just wrong.

10:01
Chris Matthews: "And then that clapping thing, where they clap for themselves...I don't get it, it's Chinese or something."

10:05
OBLIGATORY "I'M TOO GOOD TO TALK ABOUT THE ELECTION" STATEMENT: You know, the country's not going to fall apart tomorrow, no matter who wins.

10:10
I have nothing more to add.

10:15
MACACA! I guess I did have something to add.

 

Andrew Sullivan Alert Level: Special Jew-Hatin' Edition

The times they are a changin':

 

Now, The Paleo-Cons:

Virtually the entire conservative movement is now disowning this administration and this Congress. I welcome every single one...Yes, there's the usual anti-Semitic undertow here. It's Buchanan's posse. At the same time, on the simple facts on the ground, is any of this even debatable at this point?

Is any of this even debatable? Talk about a big tent!

You know, if the crazy guy who sleeps on the sidewalk in front of the 7-11 near my house suddenly started screaming "Andrew Sullivan is an a**hole!" (instead of his standard fare, which usually involves allegations that the CIA is planting microphones in is underwear), I might agree with the sentiment, but I'd still think of him as nothing more than a malodorous paranoid schizophrenic who happened to get one thing right. I wouldn't invite him to my home for dinner.

But hey, that's just me..

H/T: Sullivan Fan Club

 

It's An Absolute Moral Authority-A-Thon!

Join in!

 

Misinformed, Uneducated People Stuck In Iraq Said What?

From WaPo(?) Wow:

The soldiers declined to discuss the political jousting back home, but they expressed support for the Bush administration's approach to the war, which they described as sticking with a tumultuous situation to give Iraq a chance to stand on its own.

Leading Democrats have argued for a timeline to bring U.S. troops home, because obvious progress has been elusive, especially in Baghdad, and even some Republican lawmakers have recently called for a change in strategy. But soldiers criticized the idea of a precipitate withdrawal, largely because they believe their hard work would go for naught.

Maybe they just don't know any better. Yeah, that's it.

UPDATE: Meanwhile, back in Idaho, the two sons of (Democrat) State Senator Mike Burkett are doing what they can to support the troops:

Police say two men were arrested for vandalizing flags memorializing Idaho’s fallen soldiers. Early Sunday morning police say two men were spotted by Statehouse security guards knocking over flags.

Oh. I guess that's not really very supportive. Just forget I mentioned those guys.

 

An Incomplete List of the People and Organizations Pissing and Moaning About Saddam's Conviction and Sentence

Amnesty International

The European Union

Russian Communists

Sunni Baathists

Kossacks

TalkLeft

Nancy Pelosi

"Whatever."

That's right, Nancy Pelosi:

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi issued the following statement today after former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was convicted in an Iraqi court of crimes against humanity:

"The Iraqi people are to be commended for bringing Saddam to justice in an Iraqi court. I commend our brave American troops in Iraq as well, for the trial could not have taken place without the security and logistical support they provided...Unfortunately, the verdict is a solitary incident in a country wracked by sectarian violence and instability. Saddam's conviction and sentencing for the crimes he committed against his own people in the 1980s were expected. It remains to be seen whether the results of the trial will have any effect in ending the civil war that now engulfs Iraq."

You'd think that just once she could...

"Nearly three years after Saddam's capture, the U.S. Central Command said that Iraq is near chaos. That is clear evidence of the lack of progress in bringing security to Iraq and bringing American troops home."

All right, I get it! You just can't help yourself, can you? On the one day...

"The failure of President Bush and his Administration to have a plan in place before the war started to complete the mission successfully was a disservice to our troops, and has come at a huge cost in casualties suffered, the degradation of our military's readiness and in hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars. The scope of that failure is not lessened by the results of Saddam's trial."

I think she's done. Oh, crap, I should have known Harry Reid would be right behind her.

Reid: Justice for the Iraqi People and an Opportunity to Change Course

"Today, the Iraqi people received the justice they long deserved. Saddam Hussein was a brutal tyrant who brought nothing but fear and oppression to millions. Hopefully, this verdict will be an important part of healing the deep wounds he inflicted on his own country."

Well, he sounds a little more upbeat than Pelosi, anyway. Uh-oh, spoke too soon:

"How much the verdict and sentence will affect the course of the war remains to be seen. It is clear, however, that more than three and a half years after the invasion, Iraq has descended into a civil war. The Iraqis have traded a dictator for chaos. Neither option is acceptable, especially when it is our troops who are caught in the middle."

Sound familiar?

"Too soon to tell."

 

These morons obviously have no idea they've traded a dictator for chaos.

 

Unacceptable!

UPDATE: How could I forget "Baghdad Jim" McDermott?

Thanks to Larwyn.

 

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

Guilty (Duh). Death. By Hanging.

Oh, yeah.

Now is the time on WuzzaDem when we dance!

 

Automatic appeal? Can't we just hang him now?

More good news:
Fox News is reporting the judge threw noted asswipe Ramsey Clark out of the courtroom, saying "You are ridiculing the Iraqi people and the Tribunal. I want you out of here."

Bitchin'.

UPDATE: Guilty of what? Take a look.

UPDATE II: Heh - "Somewhere in Bel Air, you can hear the soft sounds of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins clutching each other and sobbing uncontrollably."

UPDATE III: Watch the &%$#!'s reaction here.

UPDATE IV: Nice graphic.

MEDIA NON-BIAS UPDATE: WaPo:

Chief Judge Abdel-Rahman: "A no-nonsense jurist with a perpetual scowl."

Saddam Hussein: Typically dressed in a white shirt and dark suit, sporting a salt and pepper beard...Hussein still cut a charismatic figure.

KATIE COURIC UPDATE: She looks devastated!

 

Oops! My bad, that was from the day following the 2004 election:

NBC's Katie Couric donned black. "It looks more and more like the president has won," Ms. Couric said -- after the president had won.

 

Is This Thing On?

So, I said, you know, if you don't study and, uh, you know, do your homework, you can end up stuck in Iraq.

 

 

 

 

Stuck in Iraq.

 

 

 

 

Come on, people - this is my "A" material!

 

 

 

 

Must be Republicans.

 

 

Or veterans.

 

ENCORE!

 

And he says "Yassa boss, I'm gonna commit me some war crimes!"

 

 

 

 

Oh, come on - It's nuance!

 

A Doofus Says What?

“What?”

Me like nuance:

...newly released records show that Bush and Kerry had a virtually identical grade average at Yale University four decades ago.

In 1999, The New Yorker published a transcript indicating that Bush had received a cumulative score of 77 for his first three years at Yale and a roughly similar average under a non-numerical rating system during his senior year.

Kerry, who graduated two years before Bush, got a cumulative 76 for his four years, according to a transcript that Kerry sent to the Navy when he was applying for officer training school. He received four D's in his freshman year out of 10 courses, but improved his average in later years.

The INTERTUBES never forget!

At least he improved his average later. Someone must have given him the old "Study hard and do your homework" lecture.

P.S. Thanks to "nutz"

UPDATE: Heh.

 

Meanwhile, Another Asswipe Is Exposed (Again)

From Diana Irey's campaign:

The Diana Irey for Congress campaign today released a new 30-second television advertisement, entitled "Now We Know Why." The ad begins playing on television stations throughout the 12th District today.

Script:

FBI Agent: In front of me is $50,000.

CHYRON: Actual FBI Sting Operation: ABSCAM

FBI Agent: I'm expecting a meeting between myself . and U.S. Congressman John Murtha.

CHYRON: Undercover FBI Agent: Anthony Amoroso

VO: The same Murtha who has been described as one of the most corrupt Congressmen in America.

CHYRON: Murtha named one of the most corrupt Congressmen in America. Source: Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, September 20, 2006.

VO: The same Murtha the New York Times exposed regularly trades votes for favors.

CHYRON: Congressman Murtha regularly trades votes for favors. Source: New York Times, October 2, 2006.

VO: And the same Murtha who pushed for a law that required taxpayers to pay for the legal bills of Congressmen convicted of bribes.

CHYRON: Source: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, November 5, 1999.

VO: Now we know why.

Murtha: When I make a deal, it's a god**** deal. That's all there is to it.

The full video is available here. If you haven't seen it before, you should definitely check it out.

Full details on Murtha's involvement in Abscam here.

 

Looks Like Kerry Was Right

And here's the proof, ripped from the front page of Drudge Report:

I think they misspelled we.