Well, At Least He's Sincere About...Whatever
Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Brooke. I really want to get this behind us.
No problem.
So...I guess I should just come right out and say it.
I'm really sorry for jumping up and down on your couch and making an ass out of myself on your show.
...
...
You're joking, right?
What? Oh...no, no, absolutely not. I'm totally sincere, here, I really...
That was Oprah.
I mean, I am absolutely, one hundred percent...What?
That was Oprah. I don't even have a show.
Oh, right, right. Sorry, I'm a little frazzled. You know, ever since we had the uh...uh...
The baby?
Yes! The baby! I knew that. Ever since we had the baby I've been on no sleep. I tell you, man, having a kid can really throw things out of whack.
So I hear.
Anyway, I'm really sorry I said you were glib and ignorant about the history of psychiatry...
That was Matt Lauer.
No, no, that was me, and I'm really...
No, dumbass, you said that to Matt Lauer!
Oh, right. Matt. Matt. Matt.
I'm in kind of a hurry, here...
No problem. Anyway, really sorry I sued you for saying I'm gay.
That was Chad Slater.
No, that me, and - Oh! Right. Of course it was. What I wanted to apologize to you for was...
Dinging your car door?
That didn't happen.
Jamming the printer?
No.
Overcooking the pasta?
Uh-uh.
Peeing on the seat?
Nope.
Hogging the remote?
Nuh-uh.
Running with the scissors?
Wasn't there.
Giving you crabs?
WHAT?
Sorry, that wasn't you.
...
...
...
Do you want to come back another time?
Would you mind?
No, like I said, I'm in kind of a hurry, so...
Great, great. Thanks, Blake.
Brooke.
Whatever.
He is one sorry asswipe.
I'm so glad they made up. Now I can sleep at night. And in the daytime.
Posted by: Preston Taylor Holmes | September 04, 2006 at 06:54 PM
There ain't an ass on the face of the earth stanky enough to do justice to that asswipe.
Posted by: Jeff H | September 04, 2006 at 06:56 PM
And, OBTW: Tom Cruise was born little Tommy Mapother, son of a civil ligitation lawyer here in Louisville, KY. They're all a bunch of asswipes.
Posted by: Jeff H | September 04, 2006 at 06:57 PM
Is Brooke a hottie or what?
Posted by: AJ Lynch | September 05, 2006 at 06:25 AM
Tom Cruise has a mental illness, you shouldn't make fun of the psycho. :P
Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom | September 05, 2006 at 06:33 AM
To be technical about it, MrsJoseGoldbloom, being an asswipe isn't really a mental illness, despite the fact that "antisocial personality disorder" appears in the DSM IV.
Posted by: Jeff H | September 05, 2006 at 07:46 AM
Amazing what the prospect (realized or not) of losing millions of dollars, fans, prestige, and high-paying gigs will do. It'll make one turn against even Scientology under brief periods of coherence. I imagine the Scientologists weren't too keen on losing cash flow via Tom's earning power, either. Capitalism at work.
Way to go Tom Cad, er, Cruise!
Posted by: AnonymousDrivel | September 05, 2006 at 03:50 PM
Well, at least you can tell when Tom's been fiddling with the script.
Posted by: tee bee | September 06, 2006 at 12:36 PM