And Now, a Few Words From Tony Bennett

I tell you, man, I've traveled this country from coast to coast, state to state, north to south and east to west, and one thing's for sure - there's a whole lotta dim bulbs out there.

 

 

I mean, I love the good ol' US of A, but you gotta admit, this country's no France.

 

 

Just look at the food - sure, we got pancakes here, but you know what they got in France?

 

 

Crepes.

 

 

That's right; crepes. See, they're like pancakes, but they're thinner, so you can put stuff in em' - kinda like a yummy, sweet French enchilada, but made with different stuff. You know, so it's not so enchilada-ish.

 

 

What's not to like?

 

 

And, you know, as an artist, I gotta worry about things that John and Jane Q. Citizen never think about.

 

 

Like, for instance, what rhymes with pancakes? Not a whole heck of a lot. Makes it kinda hard to write songs about pancakes.

 

 

Now, crepes, that a whole different story.

 

 

Yeah, that rhymes with grapes.

 

 

Drapes.

 

 

...

 

 

Traipse.

 

 

Mary Mapes.

 

 

...

 

 

Apes.

 

 

Rapes.

 

 

...

 

 

You know, on second thought, I don't think it would be too cool to write a song about rapes. Might not go over too well with the ladies.

 

 

And what about science? We got no science here.

 

 

Oh, sure, we went to the moon, but what did it get us? Rocks, that's what.

 

 

Not too much you can do with rocks. I mean, they're kinda heavy, you know?

 

 

And take it from old Tony B, you put a coupla decent sized rocks in your pockets and walk around for a while, you're gonna ruin a perfectly good pair of Armani slacks.

 

 

Now, those German cats know science. Yeah, they're real professor-types, you know.

 

 

I was in Stuttgart a few weeks ago and I ran into this cat named Klaus - had himself a calculator that was powered by the sun. No lie!

 

 

I don't think you'll be seein' any sun-powered calculators in Peoria any time soon.

 

 

And don't even get me started on art. Look at that Monet cat - he was an impressionist.

 

 

Now, I'm not a hundred percent sure where he was from, but I'm pretty sure it was Europe or Asia or somewhere around there.

 

 

And state-side? We got people sellin' grilled cheese sandwiches with the Virgin Mary's face on 'em over on the E-Bay.

 

 

...

 

 

You know, I could go for a grilled cheese right about now.

 

 

Come to think of it, grilled cheese sandwiches are American.

 

 

Least they are when you use American cheese - I think.

 

 

Hmm. America - home of the grilled cheese. Not too shabby, if you ask me.

 

 

You know, just forget all that stuff I said before. Catch you on the flip-side!

 

 

Fly me to the crepes
Ba da da daaaa da da da drapes.

 

 

Maybe I should write a song about grilled cheese.

 

 

Let's see, that rhymes with fleas, disease, trapeze...

 

Comments

[AnonymousDrivel]

TB: "The Americans don't even know what they have come up with."

Oh, the irony coming from that American. As far as artistic impact, didn't we (not me or you, but classical Americans) come up with playing spoons, hot dogs, and The Gong Show? Those just scream art and culture. Throw in some bathtub gin and automated assembly lines and we'll show the world what culture is.

And how could Bennett overlook topless dancing? The guy works in the world's biggest bosom of entertainment! The glitter must be blinding his vision.

Pfft. Culture. Apparently, he wouldn't know it if it staggered in from a 24-hour, fermented potato binge smelling of cheap perfume and yellow mustard and vomited repeatedly on his silk suit to the beat of (You Ain't Nothing But A) Hound Dog.

[Dodger]

And how could Bennett overlook topless dancing?

That's right AD. As a matter of fact, I exposed myself to some of this culture just last night. Well, I didn't actually expose anything. I guess I had the culture exposed to me.

[Jeff H]

The ultimate irony is that Tony Bennett--a piss-poor singer by any meaningful standard of artistry--has the unmitigated gall to complain about the cultural backwardness of America. Well, yeah, numbnuts, if you're talkin' 'bout yourself as America's contribution!!!

[Robert]

Tony B is no Frank Sinatra!

[Amador]

Poor Tony has no clue that we have artists equal to and in a few cases surpassing the past masters.
I remember seeing a painting of a store window with a typical window display, and with the reflection of people passing, cars parked, and cars passing beyond the foreground. It all looked like a photo. Could the masters do that ? Hmmmmm ? I think not.
But let's not mention where all the real art flourishes.
Auto and motorcycle body work and paint jobs. I saw a Corvette which changed colors as it passed. Sheeat !
Yeah, Tony's head is up Hollyweird's a**.

[andycanuck]

"Flakes" rhymes with "pancakes" and...

Fly me to the crepes
Ba da da daaaa da da da drapes.
And don't forget the Watergate tapes,
Unless they were typed by Mary Mapes

[Gordon]

The words Mr. Bennett: Dogs Playing Poker

Screw you.

[Gordon]

Dang, can't botch a dramatic statement and come back to correct it without looking like a dork.

"The" should be "Three"

[slinks away]

[John]

Has he ever heard of Walt Whitman, John Steinbeck, Ernest Hemingway, Emily Dickenson, Louisa May Alcott et al?

[Gordon]

Walt Whitman, John Steinbeck, Ernest Hemingway, Emily Dickenson, Louisa May Alcott

Why are you bringing the French into it?

[Elvis]

Nothing original? Do you people imitating Jacques friggin' Brel? Heck no, momma. Half of Japan dresses up my ME every year and we have no culture?

People want to drive pink Cadillacs, not pink Mercedes.

And talk about art? What's more beautiful than a Whopper, fries and a coke? Man, Tony, you got issues.

[MCPO Airdale]

I left my farts
In Sam Clam's Disco. . .

[AnonymousYakovSmirnoffDrivel]

Dodger: I guess I had the culture exposed to me.

Vhat a country!

[Raymond T. Jackson]

To Tony Bennett: Let me tell you something you miserable fuck; I have been to France too, as well as a few other or your esteemed countries and on their best days, they can't compare with US on our worst days. They haven't done a damn thing for humanity for over 500 years, except get us into wars and other mayhem! And over the last 500 years, what have the Europeans done that's comparable to, say; Willie Nelson; say The Sylistics; Say Glen Miller: Say The Supremes; Say The Temptations; Say Janis Joplin; We have a million artist, and each one has given more to culture than the all the Europens combined over the past 2 centuries. No wonder Frank had no respect for you. Why don't you change your name again to Fat French Fuck and take your paint brushes over to France and paint a house. We don't need bitches like you cryin cause we ain't like the French. That you would even compare anything in Europe with American culture shows what a phony you really are. Now get the fuck out of here and don't let the door hit you on the way out.