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July 30, 2006

No Post Tonight

[John]
Koh2

Busy. Sorry.

UPDATE: I guess, technically speaking, this is a post.

UPDATE II: Now that I think about it, this isn't a post. I mean, it's only two words. No, definitely not a post.

UPDATE III: Wait - should I be counting the words in the updates? Because if the updates count there are a lot more than two words in this post (non-post?).

UPDATE IV: I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't think the updates should count as part of the post.

UPDATE V: Afer talking this over with a few people, I think I should clarify exactly what I meant about the updates not counting as part of the post: If there was an actual post (as opposed to two words apologizing for not posting), and those updates addressed the substance of that post, then the updates would count as part of the post. But that's not the case here.

UPDATE VI: I guess I had more than enough time to write a post, but I wasted it writing this post and all the subsequent updates. Sorry.

UPDATE VII: I guess I should have said writing this not non-post.

UPDATE VIII: Just forget I said anything.

 

July 27, 2006

Patterico Has The Last Word!

[John]
Glenngreenwaldnose

If you haven't yet seen Patterico's masterful takedown of Glenn "Look At Me! I Mean, Er...Look At Him!" Greenwald, then by all means CLICK HERE.

 

July 25, 2006

Kos: YES! Keith Olber...Oh, Never Mind (UPDATED)

[John]

Daily Kos, July 6, 2006:

As we Kossacks are well aware, Keith Olbermann's show Countdown has been increasing steadily in ratings for over a year. He slowly sneaked past Paula Zahn on CNN and now regularly surpasses her ratings. Who can resist his combination of hard hitting headlines combined with snark and silliness?

Guess who Olbermann finally surpassed in the key demographics on Friday?

Bill O'Reilly O'Falafel!
...
So, with that said, a tipster writes: "Call it a fluke, say it means nothing, but for 15 minutes on Friday night, Keith Olbermann beat Bill O'Reilly in the 25-54 demo."
[emphasis added]

Drudge, July 25, 2006:

Olberratings

It was a fluke.

It means nothing.

Your 15 minutes is up, Keith.

Buh-bye.

Keitholbermann
Who cares about ratings? I'm on MSNBC.

UPDATE - Maybe this is why Olbermann floated to the top for some portion of that fifteen-minute period:

Moveon.org, which reported 3.3 million members as of December 2005, sent out an e-mail to members urging members to watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann and asking that they sign a "pledge" to watch Countdown on specific nights.

Q: How do you know you have a hit TV show on your hands?
A: Fringe political advocacy groups beg people to watch it for at least one night a week.

UPDATE II: InstaPunk brings the funny. Check it out.

 

July 23, 2006

Glenn Greenwald Comment Repository

[John]
Glenngreenwald

It occurred to me that Glenn must be tiring himself out, running from blog to blog (figuratively speaking, of course), leaving comments, trying to keep track of all of his alter egos - so in the spirit of goodwill I've created this comment repository.

So, have at it Glenn (or "Ellison," "Wilson," "Thomas Ellers," "Rick Ellensburg," "Lamb Chop," or whoever). Just leave your comments here, let me know which blog they're intended for and I'll forward them to the appropriate blog proprietor for you.

No need to thank me. Really. Seriously. Stop, you're embarrassing me.

NOTE: Seeing how this is a such a gracious gesture on my part, I trust the other readers (both of them) will show some restraint and refrain from commenting on this post.

Let the healing to begin.

 

He Said/He Said (UPDATED - AGAIN!)

[John]
Sockdude1_2
What's up, homesock?

 

 

Sockdude2
How's it hangin'?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Hey, did you hear what Glenn Greenwald...

 

 

Sockpuppet
Jealous, much?

 

 

Sockdude2
It's Glenn Greenwald!

 

 

Sockpuppet
That's right. I've written a New York Times bestselling book on executive authority, broken a story on my blog about wiretapping that led to front-page stories on most major newspapers in the country, and Russ Feingold read from my blog during the Censure hearings.

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Don't you think it's a little unseemly to be bragging about yourself?

 

 

Sockpuppet
No. I mean, maybe. I have to go, I have some very important, uh, constitutional-type stuff to do.

 

 

Sockpuppet
Good DAY, sir.

 

 

Sockdude2
Can you believe that guy?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
What a tool. So anyway, me and the Mrs. are thinking about seeing that pirate movie this weekend.

 

 

Sockdude2
Yeah, I hear it's pretty good, you know, as pirate movies go.

 

 

Sockmous1
How DARE you criticize Glenn Greenwald!

 

 

Sockdude1_2
I wasn't talking about...Oh, brother.

 

 

Sockmous1
For your information, Mr. Greenwald has written a New York Times bestselling book on executive authority, broken a story on his blog about wiretapping that led to front-page stories on most major newspapers in the country, and Russ Feingold read from my blog...

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Don't you mean his blog?

 

 

Sockmous1
Right, right - Russ Feingold read from his blog during the Censure hearings.

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Yeah, seems like I heard that somewhere before.

 

 

Sockmous1
Good DAY, sir!

 

 

Sockdude2
Did that guy look familiar to you?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Of course he did, you moron, that was...

 

 

Sockmous2
I guess it's up to me to set you straight about Glenn Green...

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Knock it off, already. We know it's you.

 

 

Sockdude2
He looks just like that guy who was just here.

 

 

Sockmous2
I'm sure I don't know who you're talking about. Besides, our moustaches are completely different.

 

 

Sockdude1_2
This is just embarrassing.

 

 

Sockmous2
You are aware that Mr. Greenwald has written a New York Times bestselling book on executive...

 

 

Sockdude1_2
We know, we know. Listen, why don't you just tell "Mr. Greenwald"...

 

 

Sockmous2
Well, I've never met the man personally, but I did recently e-mail him, and this is the reply I received:

 

 

Sockmous2
Dear person I've never met personally: Thanks for your note. As a matter of fact I did write a New York Times bestselling book on executive authority, and I am indeed the person who broke a story on his blog about wiretapping that led...

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Yeah, yeah, we get the idea. Listen, why don't you just quit while you're ahead. You're really making an ass out of yourself.

 

 

Sockmous2
I have no idea what you're talking about, but I will not stand here and be insulted. Good DAY, sir.

 

 

Sockdude2
You think he's related to that other guy?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
I swear, you can be such an idiot. Look, Glenn Greenwald is obviously...

 

 

Sockmoushand
Are you obsessed with me?

 

 

Sockdude2
Hey, now that I think of it, he looks kind of like...

 

 

Sockdude1_2
What is that you're carrying?

 

 

Sockmoushand
What? Oh...this...well, uh...people do share moustaches, you know.

 

 

Sockdude2
He's right, you know. I read that at Wizbang!

 

 

Sockmoushand
So I live in Brazil and may or may not share a moustache with one or more people - what does that prove?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
WTF are you talking about? I never even mentioned...

 

 

Sockmoushand
I don't even know why I'm talking to you - you're not published. Good DAY, sir.

 

 

Sockdude1_2
That guy's got issues.

 

 

Sockbanjo
Did someone mention Glenn Greenwald?

 

 

Sockdude1_2
Serious issues.

Seriously

UPDATE: VIDEO!

 


UPDATE II:

Donkelphant
Where are all the real conservatives?

UPDATE III: I don't care who you are, that right there is funny. (BTW, I agree with at least one of these people(?))

 

July 21, 2006

Yet Another Open Thread

[John]

Wait a second - how can this be another open thread when there was no open thread before this?

And why am I bothering with an open thread in the first place? You people just post off-topic comments about any stupid crap you feel like discussing, anyway.

Here's you:

Relevance? Who cares about relevance? It's not my blog. I think I'll post an off-topic comment about some stupid crap I feel like discussing, even though it has nothing to do with the subject of this post.

Why do I even bother? You know what, just forget I said anything.

 

July 19, 2006

Helen Thomas Takes On The Zionists At The Local Starbucks (John)

[John]

Welcome to Starbucks, can I help you?

 

 

Helenthomas
Yes, I'll have a triple venti no-foam latte - and I don't want sprinkles.

 

 


No problem, we don't put sprinkles on lattes.

 

 

Helenthomas
That's fine, just don't put any on mine, please.

 

 


Like I said, we don't usually put sprinkles on lattes.

 

 

Helenthomas
I don't care what you usually do, I don't want sprinkles on mine, so you can ease up on the hard sell.

 

 


Ma'am, once again, we don't put sprinkles on lattes.

 

 

Helenthomas
What is it with you and the sprinkles? Do you work on commission or something?

 

 


No, I'm just trying to explain...

 

 

Helenthomas
For God's sake, all I'm asking you to do is keep your damned sprinkles off of my latte!

 

 


I don't know how I can be any clearer: We. Don't. Put. Sprinkles. On. Lattes!

 

 

Helenthomas
Then why do I have to keep asking you not to put any on mine?? Am I being punked??

 

 


All right! I give up - I'll get your latte, and we won't put any sprinkles on it, OK?

 

 

Helenthomas
Fine. I'd like extra cheese, too.

 

 


We don't...

 

 


...

 

 


Ma,am, I really think you should have extra cheese on your latte.

 

 

Helenthomas
Nice try, coffee boy, but no sale - you keep your cheese off my latte.

 

 


Whatever you say...here you go, one triple venti no-foam latte, no sprinkles. That'll be $1.79, please.

 

 

Helenthomas
Keep the change.

 

 


Umm...thanks.

 

 

Starbucks2
You know that woman just paid you with Monopoly money, don't you?

 

 


Yes. Yes I do.

 

Sprinkles, dammit!

 

July 16, 2006

Two Problems, One Solution

[John]

Problem #1: Illegal immigration at the U.S./Mexico border.

The solution?

Borderfence2
Get rid of the fence.

 

That's right, I said get rid of the fence. Bear with me.

Now the temptation to cross the border is even greater. That's the idea:

 


Next:

Borderconveyor
A giant treadmill--invisible to the naked eye--is placed underground just south of the border.

 

Runinplace
Now anyone trying to approach the border is basically running in place.

 

Illegal immigrants coming over the Mexican border: No mas!

Now for problem #2: Energy prices.

 


Bordergears
A series of gears is connected to the treadmill.

 


 


Reactor1
Costly and potentially dangerous containment and cooling infrastructure is decommissioned at selected nuclear power plants.

 


 


Reactorturbine2
Turbines are powered directly by the treadmill.

 


What if this doesn't generate enough energy to meet the demands of American consumers, you ask? Not to worry.

 


Polit
Increased demand is addressed by having Republican and/or Democratic legislators propose "immigration reform" legislation.

 


 


Borderconveyor2
The promise of greater rewards (and reduced penalties) for entering the country illegally (a direct result of the proposed legislation) causes an increase in activity at the border, which translates into higher energy output levels.

Next time: How to solve the Middle East conflict using an oversized jack-in-the-box and twenty-seven large rubber bands.

 

July 13, 2006

Resolved: The Guy Is A Moron

[John]

Don't bother trying to defend him or make excuses for his behavior.

UPDATE: Grow a pair!

UPDATE II: Where's the denunciation? Where's the repudiation? Where does Patterico stand on this?

 

July 11, 2006

Rock Star: Cynthia McKinney(?)

[John]
B1_1
Welcome back to Rock Star. Our next contestant...

 

 

D1
YES! Right on, Brook.

 

 

B1_1
Yeah...anyway, our next contestant, Cynthia McKinney, gave up a promising career in politics to pursue the dream of a rock and roll life style.

 

 

B1_1
Here she is, singing The Pina Colada Song, ladies and gentlemen, Cynthia McKinney!

 

 

Stage1

 

 

B1_1
Cynthia McKinney!

 

 

Stage1

 

 

B2_1
...

 

 

T1
...

 

 

D2
...

 

 

Stage1

 

 

B2_1
...

 

 

T3
...

 

 

D3
...

 

 

Stage1

 

 

D4
...

 

 

T4
...

 

 

B2_1
...

 

 

Stage1

 

 

D6
...

 

 

T5
...

 

 

D7
...

 

 

Stage1

 

 

B1_1
I've been informed by the producers that...Wait, here she is - Cynthia McKinney!

 

 

Stage1

 

 

B1_1
Sorry, false alarm. Well, according to the rules of the show, Ms. McKinney will be eliminated by default. Be sure to join us next week for more Rock Star!

 

 

Stage1

 

 

A few hours later...

 

 

T8
Whoa. That Cynthia McKinney chick was intense.

 

 

July 10, 2006

And Now, A Message For Aspiring 9/11 Conspiracy Bloggers

[John]
Art1
Do you have a degree in aeronautics, engineering or physics?

 

 

Art1
Can you use basic reasoning to arrive at a logical conclusion?

 

 

Art1
Can you draw simple line drawings...

 

 

Turtle
Like this...

 

 

Pirate
Or this?

 

 

Art1
If you answered "No" to all of these questions, you might have the aptitude and desire necessary to be a 9/11 conspiracy blogger.

 

 

911blogs
Today, scores of people are writing 9/11 conspiracy blogs.

 

 

Art1
And here at the 9/11 Conspiracy Institute, we'll help you develop the skills you need to start your own. Skills like...

 

 

Artboy
Air crash diagram drawing.

 

 

Artboydwg2
Under the guidance of our instructors, you'll be producing professional looking air crash diagrams in no time at all.

 

 

Artplanedraw
Believe it or not, this was drawn by someone who had no formal training before coming to the Institute.

 

 

Art1
Worried because you can't write? No problem. The experts at the 9/11 Conspiracy Institute will show you how the 9/11 conspiracy pros do it.

 

 

Hilite
Just highlight...

 

 

Copy2
Copy...

 

 

Paste2
And paste.

 

 

Art1
That's all there is to it.

 

 

Art1
Don't let a lack of talent or critical thinking skills stop you from pursuing this exciting and rewarding hobby. Call the 9/11 Conspiracy Institute now.

 

 

Artphone
Call the number on your screen. You'll be glad you did.

Don't try this at home, kids! (H/T: Instapinch via Cold Fury)

UPDATE: Can't master complex "cut-and-paste" skills? No problem! The Conspiracy Generator is your friend. (H/T: Gina Cobb)

UPDATE II: One of our former instructors has hit the big time!

 

July 06, 2006

Bye-Bye Boolah Boolah Mullah

[John]

Score one for the Nail Yale blog (down at the moment for maintenance).

Via Hot Air:

The New York Times’ education reporter, Alan Finder, told me that he has been in contact with the Boola Boola Mullah’s financial backers , and they say he hasn’t been admitted to the regular degree program at Yale. He may have a few credits left in his current program, so he might be back for one more semester or so in the fall, but he won’t graduate from Yale.

This is a bizarre, freakish chapter in Yale’s history, and even though I’m glad Sayed Rahmatullah Hashemi is leaving, I actually hope the story isn’t over. I hope that Yale will continue to examine the root causes of this awful decision. Right now Yale is a place that forbids ROTC from training on campus on one hand, but at the same time welcomes an unrepentant high official of one of the vilest regimes in recent history. In 2002, Yale turned down an opportunity to admit a group of academically qualified Afghan women, but a couple of years later they admit their oppressor. There’s something culturally wrong with a place that tolerates that sort cognitive dissonance and I hope they try to fix it.

Hats off to Clinton Taylor, who started Nail Yale.

 

July 05, 2006

The U.S. Military: Jack-Booted Thugs Chilling Free Speech

[John]

Enough with the whole "discipline" schtick, already. We get it.


Drillsarge
Did you two maggots hear me? I said, move out!!

 


 


Stonerdude1
I'm a little busy right now.

 


 


Stonerdude2
Still nursing a cerveza here, dude.

 


 


Drillsarge
I apologize, gentlemen. Please join us once you're thoroughly wasted, if it's not too much trouble.

 


 


Stonerdude1
Whatever.

GMAFB:

The U.S. Army filed three charges on Wednesday against an officer who refused to fight in Iraq due to objections over the legality of the war.

First Lt. Ehren Watada, who supporters say is the first commissioned U.S. officer to publicly refuse to serve in Iraq and face a military court, remained at Fort Lewis base in Washington state when his unit shipped out to Iraq on June 22.

Watada called the war and U.S. occupation of Iraq "illegal" and said participation would make him a party to war crimes.

In a statement, the Army said it had charged Watada, 28, with missing movement, contempt toward officials and conduct unbecoming an officer.
...
Watada's lawyer said he expected the missing movement charge, but was somewhat surprised by the decision to charge the officer with contempt toward officials and conduct unbecoming an officer, because it raises free speech issues.


 

Post-Election Whining: The Esperanto Of The Left

[John]

*Sniff*

Mexico's leftist party demanded Tuesday that electoral officials recount every vote cast in the country's closest presidential race ever, claiming the balloting was manipulated and renewing fears that its fiery candidate will launch massive street protests if he doesn't get his way.

The campaign manager for Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador made the announcement in a statement read to reporters.

Mexigore
"¡exigimos un recuento completo!"

 

July 03, 2006

It's a Mr. Stick Figure Fourth of July

[John]

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

 

 


...

 

 


Well, where's the fireworks?

 

 

 

Fireworks1

 

 


Oh, come on!

 

 

Fworks2

 

 


I cannot work like this.

 

In His Continuing Efforts To Educate The American Public, Senator Ted Stevens (R-ASS) Provides A Visual Aid Describing The Anatomy Of The Human Brain In Layman's Terms

[John]
Tedstevensbrain2

"Hey, are you calling Senator Ted Stevens (R-ASS) a freaking nimrod?"

Of course not:

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.
...
Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people.


 

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