The Da Vinci Code: New And Improved
OK, people, the early reviews could have been a little better, so Dan stepped in to do some rewrites, and he and I have come up with some minor tweaks.
We're not going to make any substantial changes to the story, we're just enhancing the film a bit. Let's get right into the first scene.
Places, everyone. Aaaaand...Action!
This is incredible. He's positioned his body exactly like the figure in The Vitruvian Man.
Vitruvian Man?
It's one of the best known images in the world, and one of the most accurate depictions of the human body. Look, it's right over here.
Uhh, hey, Ron, I think someone's playing some kind of practical joke on us.
What? Oh, don't pay any attention to that, we've negotiated a couple of product placement deals.
You're kidding, right?
Look, the box office might not be quite as strong as we were expecting, and we need to recoup our costs. Besides, who doesn't love Nike, right?
Um, yeah...I guess I can't argue with that.
That's the spirit, Tom. OK, are we ready for the romantic scene?
I don't remember seeing a romantic scene in my script.
Dan thought we needed to juice up the onscreen chemistry. He just finished it, so you'll read from cue cards.
Oh...OK.
It's pure genius, you'll love it. Quiet on the set...Action!
Wait, I think I understand now. Da Vinci was...
Shut up!
Why, do you think someone's listening?
No. You had me at Da Vinci.
Just a second. Ron?
Cut! What's the problem, Tom?
It's just that...I don't know, isn't that line straight out of another movie?
What are you trying to say, Hanks? Are you calling me a plagiarist?
No, no, of course not, Dan, I could just swear I've heard that line before.
Where did you hear "You had me at Da Vinci" before?
Well, I, uh, I haven't heard that exact line before...
Then what's the problem? I can't use at or had?
That's not what I meant.
Guys, come one. Let's just go ahead and shoot the Last Supper scene, Tom. Places, everyone.
You know what I've often thought? I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction!
Ian, I thought I told you to lay down until you, uh, felt better.
I have faith in this movie!
That's great, Ian. These nice men from security are going to help you back to your trailer, OK?
FICTION!!
All right, Last Supper scene, everyone...Action!
I don't see what you're talking about.
Look closer.
Where?
Right there, on the left.
Oh, come on, Ron! Cheetos?
What!? They're unleavened.
I don't know, this is just getting a little...
Come on, we're almost done. Once we shoot the Mona Lisa scene, we can call it a day. What do you say?
I guess.
Attaboy, Tommy. Mona Lisa scene, everyone...Action!
I had no idea the real Mona Lisa was hidden away like this.
That's right. We're about to become members of a very exclusive club: The handful of people who have actually laid eyes on Leonardo's original masterpiece. Let's lift this cover off.
It' so beautiful!
WTF??
That's it! I can't do this!
Wait, Tom! Come back!
Forget him, Ron. After all, you still have Dan Brown as your writer.
...
Wait, Tom! Come back!
UPDATE: That's gonna leave a mark
If I'd had any food in my mouth while reading this, it would now be decorating the walls. Great post, John!
Posted by: Splashman | May 18, 2006 at 01:49 AM
Opie is disappointing me.
Posted by: Cheap Bimbo | May 18, 2006 at 04:05 AM
Critiques panning The Code? I don’t get it. Must be some sort of reverse psychology? I WILL NOT BE MANIPULATED…. I don’t know what to think, somebody get Jimmy Dobson on the phone.
Posted by: ali ali ali | May 18, 2006 at 04:41 AM
Wow...I'll never look at the mona lisa in the same light again. LOL
Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom | May 18, 2006 at 06:00 AM
"What!? They're unleavened."
LOL LOL LOL
Posted by: steve | May 18, 2006 at 06:25 AM
A true master piece!
Posted by: Swamp Rabbit | May 18, 2006 at 06:25 AM
excellent
Posted by: tommy | May 18, 2006 at 08:03 AM
ROFL!! Perfect, absolutely perfect!!
Posted by: dragonlady474 | May 18, 2006 at 01:08 PM
Damn, John. I just had somebody stick their head into my office to make sure I was all right! Funny as hell.
Posted by: spd rdr | May 18, 2006 at 01:31 PM
No, no, it's true. The colors on the real Mona Lisa are much brighter, and she's much better looking.
Posted by: tee bee | May 18, 2006 at 05:00 PM
Uh... but I don't remember the Hooters shirt being there.
Posted by: tee bee | May 18, 2006 at 05:01 PM
You got me with the Cheetos.
Posted by: robin | May 18, 2006 at 05:25 PM
Robin, shouldn't that be "You had me at Cheetos"?
Posted by: John from WuzzaDem | May 18, 2006 at 05:30 PM
Oh, that is TOO funny! Massive props!
Posted by: Peace Moonbeam | May 20, 2006 at 11:52 AM
John, you keep besting yourself. I'm on my 11th reading and it just gets funnier...damn...this last time I had cheap ass Franzia courses my bloodstream and I about keeled phuqqing over. Tom's line's in this enactment are just stellar.
Posted by: Jeremy | May 20, 2006 at 01:55 PM
Your satire is as sharp as a surgeon's scalpel.
Keep up the excellent work.
Too bad you couldn't get in a point about the priory of zion being only 49 years or so old.
I love your stuff.
There needs to be a DVD in your future.
Posted by: hunter | May 21, 2006 at 08:09 AM