CNN's Jamie McIntyre: Fair And Unbalanced

I'm getting word that CNN has just obtained new video of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. CNN's Senior Pentagon Correspondent Jamie McIntyre joins us now with details.

 

 

Wolf, we've only had this latest video for less than an hour, but we have managed to translate the first few minutes.

 

 

In the name of Allah; praise be to Allah and prayers and peace be upon...uuuunh!

 

 

Muslim brothers everywhere, God's peace, mercy, and blessings be upon...Aaaah!

 

 

Jamie, why is Zarqawi making those sounds? Is he ill?

 

 

Wolf, we weren't sure about that either, but several minutes into the video the shot panned out and we were able to see this.

 

 

 

SON OF A *$#@!

 

 

 

Is that a jar of jelly?

 

 

Our analysts are fairly certain it's jam, possibly preserves, most likely Smuckers.

 

 

Jamie, you said...

 

 

Wolf, we should point out that, if this is indeed Smuckers, that means Zarqawi is buying American products, and that's got to be good for the economy.

 

 

Did you say it's 'good for the economy'?

 

 

Just sayin'.

 

 

That doesn't make any...Never mind. Jamie, you said this shot was several minutes into the video - was he trying to open that jar that whole time?

 

 

Well, in all fairness, Wolf, this is Smuckers, and they are known for having fairly snug lids on their jars.

 

 

They are?

 

 

Yes, and let's not forget that the jars in this region of the world are generally opened by turning the lid clockwise, so it's not surprising that Zarqawi would have some difficulty.

 

 

Clockwise? That doesn't sound right to me.

 

 

No matter which way they open, it's doubtful Zarqawi has undergone the kind of intense jar-opening training we Americans take for granted.

 

 

I've never heard of anyone being trained to open a jar - I mean, you just turn the lid...

 

 

Fine! You're smarter than Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Is that what you want to hear?

 

 

That's not what I'm saying. It's just that you're not making any sense...

 

 

For crying out loud, the man is one of the most successful terrorists in the world, but I suppose you want us to believe he's some kind of doofus, right?

 

 

It's just that you seem to be going out of your way to make excuses for him...

 

 

I'm going out of my way? You're the one who can't stop knocking the guy. What did he ever do to you?

 

 

Jamie McIntyre at the Pentagon. We'll be right back after this...

 

 

Why don't you go after Smuckers? They're the ones with the overly snug lids on their jars!

 

 

...after this commercial break.

Wutevrr, d00d

UPDATE: OH MY GOD, NOT THE NEW YORK TIMES!

 

Comments

[AnonymousDrivel]

Heh. Confederate Yankee nailed McIntyre. Clearly, instead of taking just a dose of stupid pills, McIntyre further self-medicated with lazyass suppositories and/or apologist lozenges.

Was there any supplemental follow-up on Nike shoelaces and tendencies to unravel because, when you trip over 'em, you don't look particularly menacing. That kind of background insight will come in handy should some of the other cutting room floor snippets make it to film.

[Donnah]

Great stuff!
That S&L blog makes my Norton worm protection go off every damn time.

[Cheap Bimbo]

Wolf won't go after Smuckers, but Diane will.

[dragonlady474]

Another terrorist smucked down.

[Watcher]

After seeing how well he gets around, I'm thinking maybe he should lay off the carbs.

[Michael]

I have it on excellent authority (Dave in Texas) that the Zarkman is also an avid consumer of Preparation H.

[Aaron Regan]

http://www.clearglassproductions.com/previews/thisisdnnpreview.wmv
http://www.clearglassproductions.com/previews/ThisisDNN2.wmv

Dear Wuz, above are two previews to our new film "THIS IS DNN". Other spoofs on Pelosi, Teddy "Chappaquittuck" Kennedy, Soros, Biden, and others are sure to offend. I was hoping you might post one of them and help a small film company get the word out. Keep your eyes open for the John Kerry military training video out in late 07'. Thanks and keep up the good fight.

Aaron Regan