WuzzaDem

Gone, Still Not Fishin'

I'll be away for about a week.

Sorry for the absence, can't be helped.

UPDATE: I'm back, but to be perfectly honest, blogging isn't very high on my list of priorities right now. I'm really not sure how soon it will be.

Sorry.

 

Memorial Day

Andi remembers one of the fallen, and has an excellent round-up.

Blackfive remembers another.

 

Shock Magazine Dodges One Bullet, Gets Hit With Another

OK, so it looks like the people at Shock Magazine stole their latest cover photo from Michael Yon:

 

 

I don't think what the people at Shock did is right, and I'm not excusing this blatant theft, but from what I understand they were on deadline, and in a last-minute scramble to find a new cover photo.

This is what they were originally going with:

 

That would have been embarrassing.

UPDATE: Michelle says you can support Michael by buying the original photo here.

 

Al Gore Demonstrates Viability Of Alternative Energy Sources By Using Wind To Control His Hair

Looks promising.

 

Jesse MacBeth: On The Job

What's the problem...officer?

 

 

We'll get to that in a minute, sir, but first I have to tell you that I'll be adding a charge of nonpulloveration.

 

 

Charge of what?

 

 

You failed to pull over, sir. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't executed the pullovering maneuver.

 

 

What maneuver? I didn't hear any siren, I just parked here because this is my condo complex.

 

 

Are you telling me you didn't see the red light behind you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought that was some kind of gag. That doesn't look like any police vehicle I've ever seen.

 

 

I'm part of an elite squad, sir. That's a special issue patrol vehicle.

 

 

Is that a civil war medal on your, uh...uniform?

 

 

That's right. I spent 5 years in Grenada Bay, I was there during the Tet Offensive.

 

 

OK...um...What do you want?

 

 

I'm going to have to cite you for violating the 22nd amendment.

 

 

The 22nd amendment to the Constitution?

 

 

I guess.

 

 

That doesn't make any sense.

 

 

Sir, if you insist on causing trouble I'll have to cite you for excessive argumentation, and I'm pretty sure that's a fellatio.

 

 

I think you mean felony, don't you?

 

 

I don't need a civilian to tell me how to do my job. I'm going to give you this ticket, just follow the instructions.

 

 

What is this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, wrong ticket. I meant to give you this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, this is...

 

 

Am I going to have to use my laser gun, sir?

 

 

I think you mean tas...Never mind. I'll take care of this...ticket right away.

 

 

Move out, sir!

 

 

*Sigh* Civilians.

UPDATE: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! (Thanks to AnonymousDrivel)

 

And Now, A Word From Representative William Jefferson (D-LA)

...so, in closing, let me just assure you once again that I am completely innocent of these baseless charges.

 

 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the business of fighting for the people of the great state of Louisiana.

 

 

 

Thank you, and good night.

Culture of corruption alert!

A congressman under investigation for bribery was caught on videotape accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant whose conversations with the lawmaker also were recorded, according to a court document released Sunday. Agents later found the cash hidden in his freezer.

At one audiotaped meeting, Rep. William Jefferson, D-La., chuckles about writing in code to keep secret what the government contends was his corrupt role in getting his children a cut of a communications company's deal for work in Africa.

...

All but $10,000 was recovered on Aug. 3 when the FBI searched Jefferson's home in Washington. The money was stuffed in his freezer, wrapped in $10,000 packs and concealed in food containers and aluminum foil.

Now I understand: He needed the National Guard because he didn't want what he had in the freezer to 'go bad'.

 

Dave Wastes His Time So You Don't Have To Waste Yours

My name is Dave. Chalo.

 

That's right, Dave at Garfield Ridge spends hours and hours (which, if you think about it, adds up to days and days; weeks and weeks; months and months, and, sadly; years and years) surfing the web looking for interesting items. And he does it just for you. Well, I guess he really does it for himself, but at least he shares.

And now, thanks to Dave's caffeine-induced late night surfing, you can make your own Bollywood (AKA 'Hindi') film.

Go over to Dave's and check it out, and I expect to see some of your work in the comments here. I'll include the funniest in an update. And, no, I'm not giving away $10.00 in "Fandango Bucks" like Dave is, but I don't have a cushy, high paying government job.

Here's one to start you out: Yoon Muskuraaye

 

The Da Vinci Code: New And Improved

OK, people, the early reviews could have been a little better, so Dan stepped in to do some rewrites, and he and I have come up with some minor tweaks.

 

 

We're not going to make any substantial changes to the story, we're just enhancing the film a bit. Let's get right into the first scene.

 

 

Places, everyone. Aaaaand...Action!

 

 

This is incredible. He's positioned his body exactly like the figure in The Vitruvian Man.

 

 

Vitruvian Man?

 

 

It's one of the best known images in the world, and one of the most accurate depictions of the human body. Look, it's right over here.

 

 

 

 

 

Uhh, hey, Ron, I think someone's playing some kind of practical joke on us.

 

 

What? Oh, don't pay any attention to that, we've negotiated a couple of product placement deals.

 

 

You're kidding, right?

 

 

Look, the box office might not be quite as strong as we were expecting, and we need to recoup our costs. Besides, who doesn't love Nike, right?

 

 

Um, yeah...I guess I can't argue with that.

 

 

That's the spirit, Tom. OK, are we ready for the romantic scene?

 

 

I don't remember seeing a romantic scene in my script.

 

 

Dan thought we needed to juice up the onscreen chemistry. He just finished it, so you'll read from cue cards.

 

 

Oh...OK.

 

 

It's pure genius, you'll love it. Quiet on the set...Action!

 

 

Wait, I think I understand now. Da Vinci was...

 

 

Shut up!

 

 

Why, do you think someone's listening?

 

 

No. You had me at Da Vinci.

 

 

Just a second. Ron?

 

 

Cut! What's the problem, Tom?

 

 

It's just that...I don't know, isn't that line straight out of another movie?

 

 

What are you trying to say, Hanks? Are you calling me a plagiarist?

 

 

No, no, of course not, Dan, I could just swear I've heard that line before.

 

 

Where did you hear "You had me at Da Vinci" before?

 

 

Well, I, uh, I haven't heard that exact line before...

 

 

Then what's the problem? I can't use at or had?

 

 

That's not what I meant.

 

 

Guys, come one. Let's just go ahead and shoot the Last Supper scene, Tom. Places, everyone.

 

 

You know what I've often thought? I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction!

 

 

Ian, I thought I told you to lay down until you, uh, felt better.

 

 

I have faith in this movie!

 

 

That's great, Ian. These nice men from security are going to help you back to your trailer, OK?

 

 

FICTION!!

 

 

All right, Last Supper scene, everyone...Action!

 

 

I don't see what you're talking about.

 

 

Look closer.

 

 

 

 

Where?

 

 

Right there, on the left.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, come on, Ron! Cheetos?

 

 

What!? They're unleavened.

 

 

I don't know, this is just getting a little...

 

 

Come on, we're almost done. Once we shoot the Mona Lisa scene, we can call it a day. What do you say?

 

 

I guess.

 

 

Attaboy, Tommy. Mona Lisa scene, everyone...Action!

 

 

I had no idea the real Mona Lisa was hidden away like this.

 

 

That's right. We're about to become members of a very exclusive club: The handful of people who have actually laid eyes on Leonardo's original masterpiece. Let's lift this cover off.

 

 

 

 

It' so beautiful!

 

 

WTF??

 

 

 

 

 

That's it! I can't do this!

 

 

Wait, Tom! Come back!

 

 

Forget him, Ron. After all, you still have Dan Brown as your writer.

 

 

...

 

 

Wait, Tom! Come back!

UPDATE: That's gonna leave a mark

 

Did I Miss Something?

Sorry, but I fell asleep early last night - did Bush make some kind of speech?

 

Future Shock: A Speculative Alternative-Energy Crisis, 2018 (by Mrs. R.)

 

ETHANOL NEARS $25 A GALLON, AS CORN PRICES SKYROCKET TO $500 A BUSHEL!

 

 

Blame it on Maizian C, a highly infectious, hybrid mutation of the HIV and Avian flu virus, which indiscriminately attacks and destroys healthy cornstalks, regardless of variety.

 

The disease has already ravaged millions of acres of cornfields in the Midwest, and government officials may have to torch millions more in an effort to stop the virus from spreading to neighboring states.

In addition to ethanol prices, the costs of corn-derived plastics and polymers also rose sharply, potentially rendering once affordable items - like beverage and food containers, disposable sanitary supplies used in hospitals, and other everyday products - too costly for consumer use.

As the scientific community searches for means to combat the disease, members of Congress are taking emergency, legislative action to avert a global corn crisis.

Some of the legislation introduced includes:

• A bill that allows the growing of corn in protected wilderness areas, wetlands, and national parks.
  
  
• A bill which allows government seizure of private property for the purpose of growing corn.
  
  
• With scarce supplies of ethanol available to operate farm machinery and corn refineries, a bill to reopen our border with Mexico, allowing millions of migrant workers the opportunity to enter the U.S. so they may assist in the planting, harvesting, and processing of corn.
  
  
• A bill making corn-related price gouging a capital offense.
  
  
• A bill mandating that the salaries and bonuses paid corn company executives be determined by Congress.
  
  
• A bill lifting the ban on freon and other ozone-eating substances in order to accelerate global warming, with the goal of converting vast frozen expanses in Alaska into corn-yieldng cropland.

But not everyone is jumping on the bandwagon...

Senator Ted Kennedy (Dem -MA), threatened to filibuster any bill that would allow the planting of cornfields within a hundred miles of Nantucket Sound.

Meanwhile, skeptics and conspiracy theorists believe powerful corn barons created the virus to artificially manipulate supply and, thereby, increase demand, i.e., profits.

And, amid fears that Congress and the president will use the crisis as an excuse to invade sovereign nations with really great soil, antiwar activists organize demonstrations in major cities around the world.

---

Speculative Energy Crisis Quiz:

 

Probably or Improbably?

1. Without knowing all that's involved re photovoltaic fuel cell technology, common sense suggests that any alternative energy source, save a perpetual motion machine (pictured above), which must meet transportation and manufacturing demands of a few billion consumers worldwide - not to mention Internet porn delivery - will be subject to inherent production problems when attempting to satisfy these needs on such a massive scale.

Conservative answer: Probably

2. If we shift from fossil fuels to corn-based fuels to photovoltaic fuel cell technology, where will we get the materials needed to produce plastics and polymers, which were previously derived from the corn used to produce ethanol, which were previously derived from the oil used to produce gasoline?

Conservative answer: I don't know, but I bet it will be really expensive.

 

Morgellons

What fresh hell is this?  I'm not even going to look under this link:

If diseases like AIDS and bird flu scare you, wait until you hear what's next. Doctors are trying to find out what is causing a bizarre and mysterious infection that's surfaced in South Texas.

Morgellons disease is not yet known to kill, but if you were to get it, you might wish you were dead, as the symptoms are horrible.

"These people will have like beads of sweat but it's black, black and tarry," said Ginger Savely, a nurse practioner in Austin who treats a majority of these patients.

Patients get lesions that never heal.

"Sometimes little black specks that come out of the lesions and sometimes little fibers," said Stephanie Bailey, Morgellons patient.

So far it's mainly in Texas, California, and Florida. Ole!
I know most of you guys are thinking "Whew! At least it doesn't target the genitalia."

(Via Lucianne.)

(Crossposted by and at Florida Cracker.)

Oprah Forced to Leave the Country? (By Mrs. R.)

 

Either that, or she may have to throw her lavish parties, like the Legend's Ball which airs this Monday on ABC, someplace else.

Why? Because, if legislatures around the country continue banning the production and/or sales of foie gras, Oprah may have no other choice, because...

What Oprah Knows for Sure about Foie Gras

"What I know for sure is that when the foie gras brûlée was first presented that Saturday in March, I thought I was going to cry, it was so delicious".

Wonder if it's as delicious as the pipe (shoved down the throats of geese and ducks) used to produce this delicacy?

Oh, well, back to Oprah's dilemma.

Chicago, Oprah's hometown, banned the sale of foie gras in 2006. Bummer.

Last year, California's governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, signed a bill that outlaws the production and sale of foie gras.

But, thank God, for Oprah (and, BTW, thank God for Oprah), the bill doesn't take effect until 2012.

So, when Oprah had 80 pounds of foie gras flown in from France, to her $50,000,000 estate in Montecitio, California, she was well within current state law.

And, attendee Maria Shriver (Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Oprah's good friend, and a member of the Kennedy family, the most compassionate family in the world) wasn't compromised by the menu, which also included tuna (the netting of which kills dolphins) and veal (malnourished baby cows). All perfectly legal.

No doubt the other ultra liberal and compassionate guests, like Barbra Streisand and Tom Cruise, chowed down with a clear conscious, as well.

C'mon, everybody, let's party like it's 2011!

 

Chew on This! (From Mrs. R.)

I like puzzles, so here's one to keep you busy while John Bob is away at Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp.

It is doubtful you'll ever be in a situation similar to the one presented here (UPDATE: Unless you're on a job interview), but you never know...

You're in your neighbor's kitchen. On one of the wall's, there are three light switches. Each switch operates a different light in another area of the house. One switch operates the light in the upstairs hallway, one switch turns the front porch light on and off, and one switch operates the light in the basement. Your neighbor offers you a little wager, betting one hundred dollars that you can't figure out which switch operates the front porch light - with the following conditions: You are only allowed one opportunity to check the porch light before giving your answer. Until then, you must stay in the kitchen. No illumination or reflection from any of the these three lights is visible from the kitchen. All three lights, light fixtures, and light switches are in proper working order. Under these circumstances, how would you determine which switch operates the porch light?

Hint: You may need a little time to figure this one out.

(Hey, and howdy, Donnah, Jeff, Cranky, and Tee Bee)!

For the solution...

Gone, But Not Fishin'

 

I'll be away for a few days (until Monday), but I'm leaving the blog in the capable hands of Mrs. R of Are You Conservative?, Cranky Neocon from Six Meat Buffet, and tee bee from Guide to Middle Eastern Midwestern Culture.

I may or may not have time to post something tonight.

Try to behave yourselves, OK?

UPDATE: Florida Cracker is in da house! So is Jeff H from Think Sink.

So, looks like the blog is being taken over by ladies for a few days. Well, I guess I can't really say that since Cranky Neocon and Jeff are in the group, unless...Hey, do you guys think you could be just a little more effeminate for the next few days?

 

Church Signs Agree: Kerry Is A Tool

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All right, just keep smiling, there are people watching. Do you realize what kind of trouble you've gotten me into?

 

 

 

 

What do you mean, we? Who were you talking to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You expect me to believe you were talking to a sign?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as mass is over you and I are going to have a long talk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See also: Church Sign Smackdown!

 

The Do-It-Yourself Cindy Sheehan Post

[Insert any comment from DU]

Or just make up your own!

See if you can top this:

"I believe my country shouldn't be in Afghanistan anyway," Ms. Sheehan said at a news conference on Parliament Hill. "It's never about spreading freedom or democracy or making the world safe, it's about lining the war profiteers' pockets."

UPDATE: Don't forget to stop by the snack bar!

UPDATE II:

A personal message to Cindy Sheehan:

Wow! I just read this description of Canada from Worldweb.com's Canada Tourism page:

Made up of 10 distinct provinces and three unique territories, Canada offers a broad range of cultural and geographical features. The mighty Rocky Mountains and powerful pacific tides meet with vibrant communities in British Columbia, while urban flair mixes with cowboy culture in Alberta. Rural living comes alive under endless skies in Saskatchewan and Manitoba, while Ontario offers a diverse mix of big-city sophistication and relaxed country living. The sights and sounds of historic Quebec are not to be missed and the friendly fishing villages of Atlantic Canada are well worth the visit. Northern Canada offers visitors a chance to take in some of the only truly untamed landscapes in the world.

Cindy, I am so jealous. I have to say, if I were you I don't know if I could force myself to leave the diverse mix of big-city sophistication and relaxed country living that is Canada just to come back to the United States. I mean, let's face it: The U.S. is no Saskatchewan.

I can't speak for everyone, but I just want you to know that I won't hold it against you should you decide to make Canada (where you'll find a broad range of cultural and geographical features) your permanent home.

Godspeed, Cindy Sheehan!

 

CNN's Jamie McIntyre: Fair And Unbalanced

I'm getting word that CNN has just obtained new video of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. CNN's Senior Pentagon Correspondent Jamie McIntyre joins us now with details.

 

 

Wolf, we've only had this latest video for less than an hour, but we have managed to translate the first few minutes.

 

 

In the name of Allah; praise be to Allah and prayers and peace be upon...uuuunh!

 

 

Muslim brothers everywhere, God's peace, mercy, and blessings be upon...Aaaah!

 

 

Jamie, why is Zarqawi making those sounds? Is he ill?

 

 

Wolf, we weren't sure about that either, but several minutes into the video the shot panned out and we were able to see this.

 

 

 

SON OF A *$#@!

 

 

 

Is that a jar of jelly?

 

 

Our analysts are fairly certain it's jam, possibly preserves, most likely Smuckers.

 

 

Jamie, you said...

 

 

Wolf, we should point out that, if this is indeed Smuckers, that means Zarqawi is buying American products, and that's got to be good for the economy.

 

 

Did you say it's 'good for the economy'?

 

 

Just sayin'.

 

 

That doesn't make any...Never mind. Jamie, you said this shot was several minutes into the video - was he trying to open that jar that whole time?

 

 

Well, in all fairness, Wolf, this is Smuckers, and they are known for having fairly snug lids on their jars.

 

 

They are?

 

 

Yes, and let's not forget that the jars in this region of the world are generally opened by turning the lid clockwise, so it's not surprising that Zarqawi would have some difficulty.

 

 

Clockwise? That doesn't sound right to me.

 

 

No matter which way they open, it's doubtful Zarqawi has undergone the kind of intense jar-opening training we Americans take for granted.

 

 

I've never heard of anyone being trained to open a jar - I mean, you just turn the lid...

 

 

Fine! You're smarter than Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Is that what you want to hear?

 

 

That's not what I'm saying. It's just that you're not making any sense...

 

 

For crying out loud, the man is one of the most successful terrorists in the world, but I suppose you want us to believe he's some kind of doofus, right?

 

 

It's just that you seem to be going out of your way to make excuses for him...

 

 

I'm going out of my way? You're the one who can't stop knocking the guy. What did he ever do to you?

 

 

Jamie McIntyre at the Pentagon. We'll be right back after this...

 

 

Why don't you go after Smuckers? They're the ones with the overly snug lids on their jars!

 

 

...after this commercial break.

Wutevrr, d00d

UPDATE: OH MY GOD, NOT THE NEW YORK TIMES!

 

Where You WON'T See Stephen Colbert Speaking Truthiness To Power

We're a lot alike, President Ahmadinejad and I. Sure, he's a good three-foot-six shorter than me, but what the man lacks in stature, he makes up for in rabid anti-Semitism.

 

 

Boooo!

 

 

And, in my humble opinion, his height - or lack thereof - is really a positive, because nothing fuels a tyrant's megalomaniacal, genocidal rage like a good, old-fashioned Napoleon complex.

 

 

Get out!

 

 

And who are we to judge if he gets a little hot-headed from time to time? I know, I know; being a ruthless dictator sounds like a cushy job, but the man lives in a virtual pressure cooker.

 

 

Death to the one-note American comic!

 

 

Think about it: You're responsible for repressing an entire nation and further destabilizing a volatile region of the world - how do you blow off a little steam? You threaten to wipe Israel off the map. Sticks and stones, people! I say, try walking a mile in the man's tiny shoes before you criticize him.

 

 

Kill the infidel!

 

 

Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

 

 

...

 

 

*Gulp*

Thanks to AnonymousDrivel for the idea.

UPDATE: It's a cover-up!

 

Stephen Colbert Down Through History

Suuuure, he can walk on water now, but how buoyant would he be with a few holes poked in him? I say we try it and see.

 

 

Hello? Is this thing on?

 

 

Gutsy.

 

 

Ballsy.

 

 

Edgy.

 

 

I can't wait to misquote him on my Myspace blog.

UPDATE: End the blackout!

 

What Not To Wear

Do you think I should wear this?

 

 

Nah.

Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of "What Not To Wear"

UPDATE: The Holy Week episode! Heh.

 

Stephen Colbert Speaks Truthiness To Power At The Local Starbucks

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get you?

 

 

Just give me a regular cup of coffee.

 

 

Sure, what kind of coffee would you like?

 

 

Look, I said regular for a reason, my good man.

 

 

OK, what...

 

 

No snooty elitist European coffee for this average, hard-working American! Nosiree, Bob!

 

 

Sure, do you...

 

 

I want what the "man on the street" refers to as a cup of Joe.

 

 

Fine...

 

 

A mug of mud; java; coffee regular...

 

 

I've got it.

 

 

The same old fashioned, all-American, home-brewed caffeinated beverage Neil Armstrong sipped before uttering those famous words, "One small step for man..."

 

 

Actually, I'm pretty sure the astronauts took Tang to the moon, not coffee.

 

 

Did they? Or is that just another myth being foisted on the American people by the elitists in the liberal media?

 

 

I really can't say. Can you just check the menu? We have several varieties of...

 

 

Sorry, I don't "do" menus. You see, menus are all "fact" and no "heart". I'm a "gut reaction" guy myself. I believe in...

 

 

Yeah, that's great - look, I can get you a regular coffee, I just need to know what size you want. We have grande...

 

 

No can do, my friend! I'm afraid this legal citizen of the United States will be ordering in English, not Latin, or Esperanto, or whatever it is you're using here.

 

 

Fine, fine, if you could just...

 

 

After all, if we surrender our coffee sizes to foreign languages, where does it end? Next thing you know they'll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason...

 

 

I know, I know: It's the language of global commerce.

 

 

What?

 

 

You just did that joke on your show the other night. It wasn't funny then, either.

 

 

Oh...well, I, uh...

 

 

Look, I liked you on The Daily Show for a while...

 

 

Thanks, you know those early...

 

 

And I've tried to watch your new show, but it's just the same joke over and over...

 

 

Can you keep your voice down? People are staring.

 

 

...and over, and over...

 

 

All right! I get it - you don't like the show. Just give me a grande latte.

 

 

Here you go, one grande latte. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.

 

 

No problem.

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

You know, maybe your opinion of the show has been colored by the distortions...

 

 

This isn't another "elitist liberal media" joke, is it?

 

 

...

 

 

Gotta go.

 

 

I think this must be one of those jobs Americans don't want to do.

Update: What he said!

 

Careful What You Thumb Your Nose At The Law And Not Only Demand That You Not Be Punished, But Become Belligerent When You Don't Receive Special Treatment, For

Take. Back. California!

 

 

Take. Back. California!!

 

 

"Take. Back. California!!!"

 

 

TAKE. BACK. CALIFORNIA!

 

 

"TAKE. BACK. CALIFORNIA!"

 

 

"TAKE. BACK. CALIFORNIA!!!!"

 

 

Excuse me, everyone. Can I please have your attention?

 

 

...

 

 

I am very proud to tell you that we won this battle. Victory is ours!

 

 

YAAAAY!!!!

 

 

The United States government has agreed to return California to its rightful owners. You are now officially standing in Mexico!

 

 

...

 

 

Mexico? Did he say Mexico?

 

 

I don't want to live in Mexico!

 

 

Yeah, I ain't livin' in no stinkin' Mexico!

 

 

I've got an idea - follow me, everybody!

 

 

Come on, we're almost there!

 

 

"TAKE. BACK. OREGON!!!!"

H/T: Allah, for the pics