WuzzaDem

Dan Rather: Blogger(?)

Via Dave's Wordpress Blog (BTW, that's the name I wanted to use for this blog, but I couldn't because it was already taken. Plus, my name isn't Dave, so that might have caused some confusion. And I'm not on Wordpress - other than that, the name would have been perfect)...What was I talking about?

Oh yeah - so Dave actually spoke with Dan Rather, and according to Dave, Dan says he might start blogging when he retires. I think that's great, because it gives me an excuse dust off the guest post Dan did for WuzzaDem when CBS announced the launch of Public Eye back in July of last year.

(H/T: Instapundit)

Looks Like I'll Be Having a Pleasant Tomorrow

Guest post by Dan Rather

Good evenings folks, and welcome to my computer communication. Now that CBS is starting its own blog, it's all but certain your humble correspondent is about to embark on the next phase of his journalistic journey through history by taking that big on-ramp to the information superhighway (tip of the Stetson to President Gore).

So the pajamas are on, the cheese doodles are within reach, a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew is icing down in the fridge, and believe it or not, this dude's got a Dell.

You know, when you get right down to it, there's really nothing new here except the medium; news is news and writing is writing, and this reporter takes great pride in the fact that he's always written his own copy (except for a couple of stories we did late in 2004 that were basically handed to me just seconds before the old "On Air" sign lit up, but, as the kids say, that was then, this is now, and if a frog had side pockets - well, you know).

I want to assure all of you that I'm going to approach this thing with a fresh, original style that's sure to delight my soon-to-be loyal readers while confounding the partisan political operatives who make up the vast majority of the so-called blogosphere.

So, my computer-savvy friends, in closing, let me just say LOL, IIRC, OMG, MSG, BYOB, WTF, IMHO and LMAO.

And until the next post: Courage. Oh, I mean, 'Heh'.

 

The Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame "Solitude" Tour

Week 1:

We're back with Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who's giving the Bush administration a piece of his mind!

 

 

That's right Oprah. These disgusting, vile criminals, who lied to this country and illegally invaded a sovereign nation, need to be taken out, and I'm going to be speaking out against them every chance I get.

 

 

WHOOOO!

 

 

Now, when you say "taken out", you mean politically, of course.

 

 

I mean taken out. I think we should drive a stake through the heart of every neoconservative, if that's what it takes.

 

 

WHOOOO!

 

 

They're gonna come after you, Joe.

 

 

They'd better not, because I've already said I want to be left alone.

 

 

You heard the man: Leave him alone!

 

 

WHOOOO!

 

 

Looks like the ladies like you, Joe.

 

 

I like the ladies!

 

 

WHOOOO!

 

 

The man likes his women!

 

 

WHOOOO!

 

 

That's right, Oprah. I'm not some limp-wrist fairy like Ken Mehlman or David Dreier - I really like women.

 

 

WHOooo...?

 

 

We'll...uh...be right back.

 

 

Week 3:

 

 

All right, calm down, everyone. You'll all have a chance to leave me alone; there's plenty of Joe to go around.

 

 

Valerie, who are you wearing?

 

 

Oscar de la Renta - the design just screams "Leave me alone!"

 

 

Week 5:

 

 

Yo, Georgie!

 

 

Hey, Joe. You give 'em hell, buddy!

 

 

You know I will!

 

 

And they'd better leave me alone when I do!

 

 

Week 8:

 

 

So, in 2002 you were sent to Niger.

 

 

Right, I was basically sent by my wife.

 

 

You mean Vice President Cheney, right?

 

 

I'm not married to Dick Cheney!

 

 

No, I mean...

 

 

Who do you think I am - Ken Mehlman?

 

 

It's just that you've said in the past that you were sent because the Vice President wanted to know....

 

 

Oh, right, right...the Vice President. I was just confused for a second, because...because...

 

 

We can just edit that out.

 

 

Oh, thanks.

 

 

No problem - we do it all the time.

 

Week 11:

 

...so, rather than addressing the facts - including the fact that George Bush lied in his State of the Union Speech, they're resorting to personal attacks.

 

 

Let's take some calls for Ambassador Joe Wilson - CINCINNATI!

 

 

Hi, Larry, I was wondering why Mr. Wilson keeps saying his critics are lying when his own report indicated that Iraq had in fact tried to purchase uranium from the government of Niger.

 

 

Well, Larry, if that caller would have had the guts to stay on the line I would have told him to stop watching Fox News and get the facts, because...

 

 

I'm still here.

 

 

Oh.

 

 

And I didn't get my information from Fox News - I read the Senate Intelligence Committee report that said what you told the CIA was exactly what the President said in those "sixteen words" in his State of the Union address.

 

 

Right...the...uhhh...Let's take another call, Larry.

 

 

WALLA WALLA, you're on with Ambassador Joe Wilson.

 

 

Yeah, Larry, I want to know where I can get a copy of the report that guy was talking about.

 

 

Can't you people just leave me alone??

 

 

Week 13:

 

And now I'd be glad to answer your questions, but please keep it brief so that everyone has a chance.

 

 

...

 

 

Any questions at all.

 

 

...

 

 

Right. So, I guess that's...Yes, what's your question?

 

 

Do you validate parking?

 

 

Week 14:

 

Angelina! Hey, Angelina!

 

 

 

 

Angelina! It's me - Joe Wilson!

 

 

 

 

She must be in a hurry.

 

 

Week 16:

 

Welcome back to Car Talk With Buddy Budsen, I'm here with Joey Wilson. Joey, my producer tells me you drive an AMC Ambassador, is it hard to find parts for those?

 

 

It's Joseph Wilson, and I don't drive an Ambassador, I am an Ambassador.

 

 

Glad to hear it. So, what kind of mileage do you get on the highway?

 

Week 18:

 

Yo, Georgie!

 

 

 

 

Over here, George!

 

 

 

 

I'll give him a call later.

 

Week 21:

 

We'll take your calls for Robert Kennedy Jr. now - WASHINGTON, DC!

 

 

Larry, it's Joe Wilson. Sorry to call you like this, but I guess you haven't gotten my messages, so...

 

 

Sorry, folks, looks like we lost that call...

 

 

I'm still here, Larry. I just wanted to let you know I'm available to...

 

 

Did we lose him yet? OK. Sorry, looks like we lost that call. DETROIT!

 

Week 24:

 

Let's take some calls here on Car Talk. Looks like we've got Joe calling from Washington, DC. What's on your mind, Joe?

 

 

Buddy, it's Joe Wilson. Remember me?

 

 

Can't say as I do.

 

 

I was on the show not long ago.

 

 

We have a lot of people on the show, Joe.

 

 

I'm the...uhh...the guy who drives the Ambassador. I was just wondering if I could come back on and...

 

 

Hey, thanks for checking in, Joe. Let's go to Marty in Indianapolis.

 

Week 26:

 

Well, at least they're leaving us alone now.

 

 

Yeah, that's really...great.

 

 

Yeah...great.

 

Juan Williams: Speaking Truth To Power...Well, More Like Speculating...Actually, I Guess He's Just Talking Out Of His Ass

I don't know - maybe they just wanted to 'get the word out' and decided to take advantage of a relationship they may have had with this particular airline.

Uh...yeah, maybe

 

Kerry: Still a Jackass

Or, I guess I should say he's even more of a jackass - is that possible? Anyway, I was watching C-Span, and I just caught a speech he gave at Fanueil Hall in Boston yesterday, and he actually...

 

Hey, do you mind?

 

What?

 

What do you mean what? How would you like it if I used your name as an insult?

 

I'm sorry, I didn't think it bothered you.

 

Are you serious? It's bad enough people automatically assume I'm a Democrat.

 

I hadn't thought of that.

 

Seems like there's a lot of things you don't think of. I suppose it wouldn't bother you if I was talking about Kerry and called him 'John'?

 

His name is John.

 

That's not the point! Why can't you just call him a 'jerk' or a 'weasel'?

 

 

Hey, WTF, man?

 

Oh, hey Weasel...uhh...

 

 

So, it's OK for you to throw insults around, huh?

 

I'm sorry, I didn't know it offended you...

 

That's what I said!

 

That was different!

 

How??

 

Both of you shut up! Look, I don't appreciate you using my name when you're talking about that scum Kerry...

 

 

So, it's OK to insult me?

 

 

Oh, uh...sorry...I...

 

 

Oh, can it! I'm fed up with this crap - shower dirty? Must be scum. Need to insult a politician? Just call him scum.

 

 

Hey, I said I'm sorry.

 

 

For your information, I don't like Kerry either. If you ask me, the guy's an a**hole.

 

 

Hey, do you mind?

 

Give Yourself A Big Pat On The Back

Just don't get caught.

You're the man!

 

No, you're the man!

That's gonna leave a mark

UPDATE: Pwn3d!

UPDATE II:

You leave him alone!

 

Malkin To Moonbats

"I'm not afraid of you."

(Sorry Michelle, I couldn't resist)

UPDATE: To all brain donors: This is a photoshop.

UPDATE II: What he said!

 

The Interview You've Been Waiting For

...is right here.

Background here.

Tom Cruise "Mellowing" (AKA Becoming Even More Of A Nutjob) As Fatherhood Approaches

Via Scrudge:

TOM Cruise yesterday revealed his latest bizarre mission..to eat his new baby's placenta.

Cruise vowed he would tuck in straight after girlfriend Katie Holmes gives birth, saying he thought it would be "very nutritious".

The Mission Impossible star, 43, said: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."

 

Mmmm...bilical cord.

Riiiight. I remember David Carradine made this same bizarre announcement back in the seventies when he was living his post-Kung Fu-dropout-turn on-freak-people-out-lifestyle. If I remember correctly, he ended up planting the placenta in the ground under a fruit tree. See, that way they could eat the fruit from the tree - same thing, right? Of course it is!

But, hey, bon appetite, Tommy. Just keep nibbling away at that career.

UPDATE: Looks like somebody got a call from his publicist. (H/T Wizbang Pop!)

UPDATE II: It's a girl!

"And it was delicious!"

 

Happiness Is...?

Goofy story via Smudge:

School To Offer Happiness Lessons

And who has the school tapped to be their new 'Happiness Instructor'?

Why, it's Maryscott O'Connor, current poster-child for "The Angry Left"

 

WAKE THE F**K UP AND BE HAPPY, YOU STUPID A**HOLES!

 

 

HOW CAN ANYONE BE HAPPY WHEN WE HAVE A MALEVOLENT SOCIOPATH IN THE OVAL OFFICE???!!!???

 

 

PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, YOU DIPSHIT! THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!

 

 

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY???

 

 

PUT. YOUR. HAND. DOWN. NOW!!!

 

 

I'D BE HAPPY IF BUSH CONTRACTED INCURABLE CANCER, SUFFERED FOR PROTRACTED PERIODS OF TIME WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF MEDICATION, THEN WENT TO HELL!!!

 

 

YOU THINK GOING TO CHURCH WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY??

 

 

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!!! I HAVE A BURNING, SIZZLING, PUTRESCENT PLACE FOR THEM WHERE THE GUILTY SUFFER THE TORTURES OF THE DAMNED!!!

 

 

BUT, HEY, THAT'S JUST ME!! WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT!!

 

In her own defense, O'Connor says, "I was not like this before. I was riddled with empathy for everyone suffering in the world. Classic bleeding-heart liberal."

From the article:

She signed petitions:

I'LL SIGN THAT F**KING PETITION!!

 

 

She canvassed for Greenpeace:

SIGN THIS F**KING PETITION!!

 

 

She agonized over low wages for overseas workers every time she bought a $40 leather purse.:

DO YOU KNOW THEY PAY THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THESE F**KING THINGS SLAVE WAGES???

 

 

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT $38.00, I'LL TAKE TWO!!

 

UPDATE: Sorry, looks like I was confused. Apparently, it's a British school that's offering happiness lessons, so this post is probably a bit over the top.

 

NO ONE IS GOING TO BE HAPPY UNTIL THAT F**KING WANKER BUSH IS OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, AND WE GET RID OF HIS LITTLE POODLE, BLAIR!!!

On second thought, maybe the post is 'spot on'.

H/T: Six Meat Buffet, where Smantix serves up an excellent P-Shop of our giddy heroine enjoying her favorite beverage.

 

Update On Updated Updates

Currently being updated. I'll update you if there are further developments.

UPDATE: I mean, further updates. Man, is my face red.

UPDATE II: From now on, if I say anything incredibly stupid, just chalk it up to me being on a bus full of 8th graders.

UPDATE III: LOTS OF CRAP ON DRUDGE REPORT. Just keep scrolling.

UPDATE IV: I didn't mean that you should keep scrolling indefinitely. You can stop when you get to the bottom of the page.

UPDATE V: Unless you just like to scroll, in which case I say, knock yourself out.

UPDATE VI: Not literally, of course, although I'm not really sure how you could knock yourself out scrolling.

UPDATE VII: Time to open the WuzzaDem mailbag and answer a few of the questions submitted by readers:

   Yes

   Purple

   No

   I said yes, OK?

   I don't know, maybe 50 or 55

   Not even if you paid me

   Absolutely

   I wouldn't if I were you

   Absolutely not

   Look, I've already said yes twice, so just drop it

   I thought it sucked, but that's just my opinion

   I'd say a month, at the outside

   The second one

   Too many, if you ask me

   YES! For the last time, yes!!! I swear, if you ask me that one more time I'm going to stick a fork in my eye! Now, leave me the #@!* alone!

UPDATE VIII: LINK

 

Joe "Macho Man" Wilson Swaggers Into The Local Starbucks

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

 

 

Just give me a coffee - biggest you've got.

 

 

Sure. What kind of coffee would you like, sir?

 

 

I don't care, just give me something really butch.

 

 

I don't understand.

 

 

What are you trying to say? Are you saying I have a lisp??

 

 

No, I wasn't saying...

 

 

Because I don't!

 

 

I didn't mean...

 

 

Don't let the impeccably coiffed hair and perfectly dimpled tie fool you - I'm all man.

 

 

I'm sure you are, sir, and I apologize if...

 

 

I mean, my outfit may be color coordinated, and maybe I do own more shoes than most men...

 

 

Nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Damned straight there's not. And who doesn't enjoy the occasional cup of sweet tea while they're listening to Barbra Streisand's greatest hits?

 

 

I, uhh...I don't know.

 

 

I like women!

 

 

I'm sure you do, sir.

 

 

I don't mean I like them just as friends, either, if you know what I mean.

 

 

Yes, sir.

 

 

You do know what I mean, don't you?

 

 

Yes, I know what you mean.

 

 

I mean I like to have sexual intercourse with them.

 

 

I got that, sir.

 

 

So do you have sweet tea here?

 

 

Yes, we do.

 

 

Great. Give me just a teensy cup.

 

 

Coming up.

 

 

Make it with Sweet n' Low - trying to watch my figure.

 

 

That'll be $1.79, please.

 

 

Here you go, and keep the change. Toodles!

Jeez
H/T: Ace

 

And Now, An Excerpt Of John Kerry's Recent Hardball Appearance (In Which The Dialogue Has Been Translated From English Into Japanese, And Then Back Into English)

Senator, as the craftsman of government of secret, finally it approved leaking out of the state of Plame of Valerie, Bush President that is made something which insistence of this explosiveness.

 

 

In the Chris, this management there is a reliability absolutely, the American people are tired in a certain thing.

 

 

I am not different my own myself that was well.

 

 

It is without being possible thing is verified.

 

 

So long in order why to come appearing in because of this? Like one hand without knowing those which other things have done it is that.

 

 

As for me to choose me one thing you can guarantee - the American people as their presidents, sufficiently foolish this probably will not happen.

 

 

You mean like they used to do on the old Batman show?

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

I have confused.

 

Shouldn't Be Long Now

Today:

 

Good morning, everyone.

 

Sometime in the (not-too-distant?) future:

 

 

Good morning, everyone.

 

I Just Gots 2 Say Sumthing Bout This

Houston Chronicle, via Drudge:

Coach disciplined for distributing flier at school
Instructor urged Latino students to attend rally on immigration

Rudy Rios was stripped of his duties as junior varsity baseball coach at Chavez High School last week after using a district copying machine to make a flier encouraging Latino students to attend a rally protesting restrictions on illegal immigration.

The flier read as follows:

"We gots 2 stay together and protest against the new law that wants 2 be passed against all immigrants. We gots 2 show the U.S. that they aint (expletive) with out us (sic)."

While Rios is no longer a basketball coach, he was allowed to retain his duties as an English-as-a-second-language teacher.

Sheesh.

The Tom Delay Post

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STOP IT!!!!

This was supposed to be a post about Tom Delay! What's with all the...You know what - just forget it.

 

Office Space: Paris, 2006

Hey, Pierre, what's happening?

 

 

Non au CPE!!

 

 

Yyyeaaaaah, I think you mean TPS, and that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. See, we sort of have a problem...

 

 

Umm, hey, fellas, what's happening over there?

 

 

Contrat pour esclaves!

 

 

Yyyeaaah, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but we've kind of got a no smoking policy here in the office, mmm-kay? Thanks.

 

 

Listen, if somebody could maybe go ahead and crack a window to let some of that smoke out, that'd be great.

 

 

CRASH!!

 

 

Yyyeaah, I probably should have phrased that a little differently.

 

 

So anyway, Pierre, if you could just...

 

 

Retrait du CPE!

 

 

Hey, if you could just put that stuff in the paper shredder, that'd be terrific, mmm-kay? Because, again, you know, the smoke problem.

 

 

CRASH!

 

 

Um, yeah, thanks for getting that Jacques, but somebody already broke a window.

 

 

Sooo, aaaaanyway, Pierre...Just a second.

 

 

Oh, uh, hey Rene, have you had a chance to go through the employee handbook? Because I think we may have kind of a dress code issue, here.

 

 

Contrat pour l'enfer!

 

 

Yeah, see, jeans are OK, but only on casual Friday, and even then they really need to kind of cover your ass, mmm-kay? Greaaat.

 

 

Non au CPE!

 

 

Oh, hey, Francois, what's hapening? Yeah, I was just talking to Rene about the dress code, and, uhhh, well, there's sort of a problem with the torch, too. You know, because of the smoke...

 

 

CRASH!!

 

 

Yyyeaaah...I can't fire any of you, so I'm just gonna go ahead and quit now, OK? Greaaat.

 

Russ Feingold: Fox News Follies

We now join Fox News Sunday, already in progress...

 

Senator Feingold, you claim to have broad support among Democrats for your resolution to censure President Bush.

 

 

That's right, Chris.

 

 

And yet, your own committee hearing this Friday was very poorly attended - in fact, here's a list of key Democrats who didn't attend that hearing.

 

 

As you can see, Senators Kennedy, Biden...

 

 

Chris, with all due respect, everyone knows that Friday hearings are always poorly attended, because Senators are very busy, but the fact is this resolution is supported almost across the board by my Democratic colleagues.

 

 

Well, Senator, we talked to a few of your colleagues, and here's what they had to say. Senator Mark Dayton of Minnesota said...

 

 

Feingold? That guy's a major a**hole.

 

 

In all fairness, Senator, he did add, "This is off the record, right?"

 

 

That doesn't surprise me; Mark's an old friend.

 

 

We also spoke with Representative Jane Harman of California...

 

 

Representative Harman told Fox News she saw you play in the Senate softball tournament, and that you "Throw like a girl."

 

 

I respect Jane's opinion, Chris, but I don't think it's fair of her to judge me based on my performance that day - my tennis elbow was really bothering me.

 

 

We also spoke with Senator Diane Feinstein, who said...

 

 

"Why are you asking me about Russ Feingold? Oh, I get it; it's because I'm Jewish, right?"

 

 

"I suppose you think we all know each other, right? Is that what you think? Is it?"

 

 

And Carl Cameron of Fox News spoke with Representative Cynthia McKinney of Georgia, and asked her opinion of your resolution.

 

 

Due to pending legal action we can't talk about what happened next, but needless to say, we all wish Carl a speedy recovery.

 

 

Thanks, Chris.

 

 

With all due respect, Senator, I think you'll have to admit that support for censure of President Bush is weak, at best.

 

 

Chris, I'm nothing if not flexible, so I'm willing to settle for a Presidential scolding.

 

 

I've never heard of a Presidential scolding - does that require a senate resolution?

 

 

No, as a matter of fact, I can do it right now.

 

 

Oh. Well, go right ahead.

 

 

You had better straighten up and fly right, mister.

 

 

Senator Feingold, I have to say that's a far cry from censure.

 

 

I'm not done yet, Chris.

 

 

I'm sorry - go ahead.

 

 

And I mean it!

 

 

...

 

 

I'd like to thank Senator Russ Feingold, and please join us again next...

 

 

Don't make me get out of this chair, Mr. President!

 

 

...next Fox News Sunday.

 

Expose The Left has the video

 

Dear Yaliban, Er, Taliban...I Mean Yale

 

Today's must-read is right here. And don't just read it; do something.

Pick up the phone. Fire off a few e-mails. If you have a blog, link the post (not this post, the one that's linked here). Do something.

 

Granny Saves The World: L.A. Student Immigration Demonstrations

 

 

 

What in tarnation is goin' on here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well? I asked you a question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't look like nuthin' to me! Looks like a buncha durn fools runnin' around in the streets makin asses outta themselves when they oughta be in school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don'tcha think you should be in class?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You wanna grow up to be an idjut like that Howard Dean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then move your butts and get back to school, right now. You heard me - MOVE!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I see one more American flag burned I'm cuttin' me a switch, you hear me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I tell you, that L.A. School District is a sewer.