Hardball: When The Truth Bites You In The Ass

I'm Chris Matthews, let's play Hardball. Tonight; startling new allegations that the Bush administration knew well ahead of the attack on Iraq that Saddam Hussein did not possess WMD's.

 

 

My first guest tonight is one of the stars of the hit TV drama Law and Order, legendary comic Richard Belzer. Richard, welcome to the show.

 

 

Thanks for having me on the show, Chris.

 

 

HA! That's a good one.

 

 

What??

 

 

No, I got that - you just took what I said about the show and turned it around on me. Funny stuff, really.

 

 

I was just responding to your...

 

 

Let's get serious here for a second.

 

 

I was being...

 

 

By the way, do you mind if I call you Pete?

 

 

What??? Why would you want to call me Pete?

 

 

I don't know, I just always liked that name. Pete. That's short for Peter, you know.

 

 

Let's just stick with Richard.

 

 

Suit yourself. So, anyway, NBC's Lisa Meyers reported today that Iraq’s foreign minister under Saddam told the CIA in 2002 that their estimates regarding Iraq's WMD stockpiles and capabilities were way off the mark. What does this do to Bush's credibility on Iraq?

 

 

Well, if he had any credibility left, it's just been vaporized.

 

 

I mean, this guy says Saddam had some poison gas laying around here and there, but how dangerous is that? I mean, there are probably dairy farmers in Wisconsin who are breathing in that much gas every day.

 

 

Wow! I hadn't heard about that.

 

 

Actually, that was a joke.

 

 

What was?

 

 

Never mind. The question that everyone who supports this war needs to ask themselves is, why would this guy lie?

 

 

A lot of people are dubious of anything he might have said just because he was a member of Saddam's inner circle.

 

 

Yeah, but we're talking about a guy with a college degree, so why would he put his credibility on the line? It just doesn't make sense.

 

 

College degree...right, right.

 

 

Beside, from what I understand, we paid him a lot of money for this information, so that's even more reason to believe what he said. I mean, we were like the goose that laid the golden egg, right?

 

 

Is this another farm joke?

 

 

What? No.

 

 

Let's bring in our next guest, Charlie Sheen. He's made some pretty serious allegations about the 9/11 attacks, and I'd like to get his take on this. Here's Charlie at a recent press conference.

 

 

...and anyone who really doesn't believe it's not butter is being duped by the military-dairy complex.

 

 

Heavy stuff. Charlie, welcome to the show.

 

 

Thanks, Chris.

 

 

So, is this a new look?

 

 

Let's just say I'm trying to keep a low profile. There are certain people who would rather I kept my mouth shut, if you know what I mean.

 

 

In fact, I'd rather not use my real name.

 

 

Can I call you Pete?

 

 

Works for me.

 

 

Great. So, Pete, what do you make of this business about Iraq's foreign minister warning the administration that their WMD estimates were way off base.

 

 

Chris, the reason I agreed to come out in public right now - possibly at great danger to myself - was to show you a video clip that will blow the lid off the Bush administration's WMD claims.

 

 

This is footage of a press conference held by Iraq's information minister in 2003.

 

 

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, there are none! In fact, George Bush is the one who has weapons of mass destruction!

 

 

Wow! I've gotta tell you, that's dynamite stuff! Haa anyone been able to verify his claims about Bush having WMDs?

 

 

Chris, from what I understand, the guy graduated summa cum laude from Baghdad U, so I'm inclined to give him the benefit of a doubt.

 

 

Have you shown this to anyone else, Charlie?

 

 

Pete.

 

 

Sorry, Pete.

 

 

I have, and, not surprisingly, the Reich-wing press says this is "old news".

 

 

Unbelievable. If this guy's right, then our whole premise for going to war was false.

 

 

I'm still not convinced we really went to war.

 

 

What the hell are you talking about, Pete? We've got people dying over there!

 

 

That's what you've been told. Have you seen anyone die?

 

 

Hey, I graduated with a 5.2 GPA and I read 78 papers a day, I think I'd know if someone was BSing me about a war.

 

 

We've all seen the pictures, Pete.

 

 

Pictures! Pictures can be doctored, you know.

 

 

Do you have a degree in photography?? Do you???

 

 

All right, let's calm down, Pete.

 

 

I'm Richard.

 

 

You said I could call you Pete!

 

 

Charlie said you could call him Pete, right Charlie?

 

 

Charlie?

 

 

The name's Pete.

 

 

Well, I say you're an idiot if you doubt we're actually at war, and I'll debate you on that any day.

 

 

Call me an idiot again and your nose will be debating my fist, crag-face.

 

 

On the other hand, if there's one thing I learned in college, it was to respect the opinions of others.

 

 

Well, I'd love to continue this, but we're out of time.

 

 

Be sure to join us tomorrow night, we'll be talking to Thom Yorke, singer for the group Radiohead, who refused to meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who he says has "No environmental credentials."

 

 

That's true, the man has no formal training.

 

 

Thanks for that, Pete.

 

 

Richard.

 

 

Whatever.

 

Comments

[AnonymousDrivel]

That Pete, er, Richard Belzer cracks me up in spite of his attempts at the Ha-Ha™. I wonder if, when he is reading his 1,364 newspapers through his tassled, cardboard hat, he understands that "comprehension" is also a part of that "reading" process?

Of course, I'm taking a risk here by deferring to his expertise on comedy, though by his standards I shouldn't. Belzer claims that he is better informed and more pointy-headed re all-things-war because he reads the news, and asserts that those ignorant grunts are incapabale of grasping the whirlwind of their lives despite firsthand experience. By that standard, I know more of comedy than Belzer because I read Marmaduke, Peanuts, Calvin & Hobbes, The Far Side, Cox & Forkum, Dave Barry, Wuzzadem (on its good days), Day by Day, Mad Magazine, and The Nation, among others. Yo, Belzer! Top that!

PS for tee bee - I did an exhaustive search on the trademark and I feel comfortable with my claim. Of course, I wasted about fifteen seconds of my life doing it, but I wasted about half an hour of it listening to Belzer on Maher's show, so I guess it was time relatively well spent.

[Jeff H]

Why, oh why, isn't public assassination of asshats legal?

[wxjames]

In the future, I'd like to see Liberal Tractor Pulling contests. The one who pulls the most liberals across the finish line gets the trophy.
Belzer, Maher and other super libs can be the pullees at the LTP nationals, once around the brickyard.