The Situation Room

I'm Wolf Blitzer. To our viewers, you are in The Situation Room, where new pictures and information are arriving all the time. Standing by, CNN reporters across the United States and around the world to bring you the day's top stories happening now.

 

 

 

 

It's 3 a.m. in Iraq, let's check in with Nic Robertson, who's on the ground in Baghdad. Nic, it looks like it's pitch-black there.

 

 

 

 

Indeed, Wolf, it's so dark that you can't see your hand in front of your face, and at this hour an eerie quiet has...

 

 

 

 

Turn the light off!

 

 

 

 

As I was saying, Wolf...

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, Nic, but where are you right now?

 

 

 

 

I'm in a very dangerous area of...oh, crap.

 

 

 

 

I'm in my kitchen.

 

 

 

 

Why aren't you in Baghdad?

 

 

 

 

It's kind of hard to explain. It's just that my...my...

 

 

 

 

Your what?

 

 

 

 

His wife, that's what. Who's supposed to keep this house up while Nic's running all over the globe for you?

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Roberts, I...

 

 

 

 

I can handle this, dear.

 

 

 

 

Of course you can. You've done a smashing job handling it so far, haven't you?

 

 

 

 

I don't think we need to go into this on...

 

 

 

 

You know what I've been handling? Fourteen pair of underwear full of sand, that's what I've been handling.

 

 

 

 

Honey...

 

 

 

 

How does a person get sand in the crotch of his underwear?

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Roberts, he is a reporter, and travel is part of his job.

 

 

 

 

Why don't you tell that to my daughter? Amelia, the mean man wants to send your daddy away again.

 

 

 

 

Please don't send my daddy away again, mean man.

 

 

 

 

Nic Robertson, checking in from...Nic Robertson checking in with us. Thanks for that report, Nic.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room. Let's go to New York, where Jack Cafferty is standing by with your e-mail. Hello, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Hello, Wolf. How about that Nic Robertson, huh? Talk about whipped!

 

 

 

 

I don't know if I'd say that.

 

 

 

 

Get real, Blitzer. I bet the guy has to squat to take a pee.

 

 

 

 

Well...

 

 

 

 

And that wife of his - what a shrew!

 

 

 

 

I don't think you should say that about his wife, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm just glad to see he has a wife. Always thought he was a little light in the loafers, if you know what I'm saying.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know what you're saying, but...

 

 

 

 

If you ask me, most of those English guys are.

 

 

 

 

Why don't we change the subject, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Sure. Let's talk about my role on this show. Seems to me I remember some talk of a position as co-host.

 

 

 

 

That's really not my call, Jack.

 

 

 

 

You think I can't cut it? I was reading copy when you were in your diapers, Blitzer.

 

 

 

 

No one's saying you can't cut it.

 

 

 

 

Think I don't get offers? I get offers. I'm in demand.

 

 

 

 

Can we please just get to the e-mail?

 

 

 

 

Hey, you're the head honcho. The question this hour was "What do you think of the show so far?"

 

 

 

 

Bill writes "Doesn't this show ever end? It seems like The Situation Room is the only show on CNN any more..."

 

 

 

 

"which would be all right if it didn't suck. I swear, the next time I see Wolf Blitzer's face I'm going to drive an ice pick into my ear."

 

 

 

 

I don't think Bill likes the show, Wolf.

 

 

 

 

I picked up on that.

 

 

 

 

Dave writes "Wasn't Jack Cafferty supposed to co-host this show? What, you think he can't cut it, Blitzer?"

 

 

 

 

Jack.

 

 

 

 

"Come on, the guy was still reading copy when you were in diapers."

 

 

 

 

Jack!

 

 

 

 

What is it, Wolf?

 

 

 

 

Nothing. Thanks for checking in, I'll see you tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, don't let your meat loaf.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room. We're going to take a short break, then move into hour seven of The Situation Room...Here on...You know, The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room.

 

See also: Part II

 

Comments

[Don]

John, that was hilarious. Is it me, or does Nic's wife look a little pale? Nothing wrong with that, of course, if you're into goth women.

[spd rdr]

I'm still trying to figure out when Blizter sleeps. The freakin' guy is on the TV 24/7! It's unnatural I tell ya! Maybe he's a robot. That would explain a lot.

[Sobek]

Keep it up, John. You've almost convinced me to get cable.

[wxjames]

Brilliant. I'm still laughing.
still
still

[BIRDZILLA]

Whos afarid of the BIG BAD WOLF BLITZER?

[Dax]

Brevity is the essence of humor.