Have Yourself a Mary Mapes Christmas

I'm Mary Mapes, welcome to the first Mary Mapes Christmas Special.

 

 

 

Actually, we changed the name to holiday special, Mary.

 

 

 

You're joking, right?

 

 

 

Sorry, we had some complaints..

 

 

 

What the hell do I care? We've already decorated the set, and I've got Santa here.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrry...

 

 

 

Pipe down! Listen, hotshot, you just go push your buttons and talk into your little microphone, and I'll take the heat for any complaints.

 

 

 

You're the boss..

 

 

 

Damn straight I am. Our first guest tonight is...

 

 

 

Mary. Mapes. It's good...to see...you.

 

 

 

Oh, hi, Phil. I didn't know we'd booked you as a guest.

 

 

 

You didn't. I just wanted to stop by and say...welcome.

 

 

 

Welcome to what?

 

 

 

Television! I think you'll find it's a little different on this side of the camera, so if you need any pointers...I'm here for you.

 

 

 

You want to give me advice about being on television?

 

 

 

Well, as you know...I've been in that seat before. I'll tell you this...it's not as easy as it looks.

 

 

 

Listen, Phil, it's nice of you to offer, but....

 

 

 

I mean, you've sponsors over here, and producers over here, and the network suits over here, and they ALL...want a piece of you.

 

 

 

I hear you. Well, thanks again, and...

 

 

 

Not ONLY do they want a piece of you...they want you to spoon-feed your audience a steady diet of Republican talking points.

 

 

 

Right, right. OK, well...

 

 

 

I'm tellin' you - whether it's breakfast, lunch or dinner, EVERYBODY'S havin' propaganda! And I...for one...

 

 

 

Your show tanked!

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

Tanked. Sucked. You had, like, fourteen people watching by the time you got tossed! Now, I'd love to chat, but I've got books to move, so take a hike.

 

 

 

Sorry, folks, but it really irks me when people try to blame their failures on someone else.

 

 

 

OK, our first guest tonight is going to tell us about his state's plan to build a spaceport. Ladies and gentlemen, Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico. Welcome to the show, Governor.

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Mary, and might I say, you look lovely tonight.

 

 

 

Thanks...You can let go of my hand now.

 

 

 

Oh, sorry.

 

 

 

No problem, just have a seat...Not on my lap!

 

 

 

Oh! What was I thinking?

 

 

 

I don't know. I'm not Santa Claus, you know.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrr...

 

 

 

Not yet! So, Governor, tell us about this...

 

 

 

Why is your hand on my thigh?

 

 

 

It is? Oh, look at that, I guess it is. Don't worry, that's just my way of lessening tension.

 

 

 

Well, it's not working, so move it.

 

 

 

Right.

 

 

 

Not up; OFF!

 

 

 

Oh, off. OK, no problem.

 

 

 

So, Governor, tell us about this...HEY! OK, I warned you...

 

 

 

Sorry, won't happen again.

 

 

 

No, it won't, because this interview is over.

 

 

 

You looked tense!

 

 

 

OUT!

 

 

 

What a perv.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrry...

 

 

 

Would you please shut up until I tell you it's time for the Santa bit?

 

 

 

That does it, Mapes! Our settlement agreement says I have to work for your production company for one month, but I thought I was going to be working as an investigative journalist.

 

 

 

If I'd known you were going to have me dress up in this ridiculous outfit I wouldn't have signed on.

 

 

 

Yeah, well, if a frog had sidepockets, yada, yada, yada.

 

 

 

I'm an icon of journalism!

 

 

 

Well, right now you're my bitch, so keep your mouth shut until I tell you to make with the jolly.

 

 

 

Our next guest is Jonathan Alter, who, as I'm sure you know, has just penned an article that's made more than a few people angry. Jonathan, welcome to the show.

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Mary.

 

 

 

Tell us about your latest article.

 

 

 

Well, Mary, I thought I needed...

 

 

 

Sorry for interrupting, but is that your pen on the floor?

 

 

 

Oh, yes it is. Let me just grab that.

 

 

 

 

So, as I was saying, I...

 

 

 

Jonathan, I, uh...

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

You, uh...dropped something else when you were picking up your pen.

 

 

 

Dropped something else? Oh!

 

 

 

 

So, where was I?

 

 

 

You might want to adjust that.

 

 

 

Huh? Oh, just a second.

 

 

 

Man, that was embarrassing.

 

 

 

It's still not quite...right.

 

 

 

Crap!

 

 

 

Better?

 

 

 

Much. So, why would you write something like this?

 

 

 

Well, as I said in the piece, we finally have a Washington scandal that goes beyond sex, corruption and...

 

 

 

What the hell are you talking about?

 

 

 

You asked me to talk about my article.

 

 

 

Not that piece of crap - I'm talking about the hit piece you did on my book.

 

 

 

That wasn't a hit piece. I just pointed out that serious doubts had been raised about your source's credibility months before you aired the Bush memo story.

 

 

 

Who raised doubts about my source?

 

 

 

The Boston Globe.

 

 

 

Really? Show me the Globe articles.

 

 

 

I don't have them with me.

 

 

 

So, are we just supposed to take your word for this?

 

 

 

Of course not...

 

 

 

You come on my show, make these wild accusations, and you have no proof to back up what you're saying?

 

 

 

Oh, come on! You can't expect me to....

 

 

 

You call yourself a journalist? You're a hack!

 

 

 

You can't say that!

 

 

 

Mapes, I just read this settlement agreement over, and I don't see the word "bitch" anywhere.

 

 

 

Did you see the part that says you're my employee for a month? That's what I'm talking about.

 

 

 

I'm still not clear on all the terms and conditions.

 

 

 

Yeah, well, reviewing documents was never a strong point of yours.

 

 

 

I don't have to take this crap from you!

 

 

 

Don't let the door hit you in the ass, chromedome.

 

 

 

Time to wrap it up, Mary.

 

 

 

Holy crap, I thought this train wreck would never end. Well, thanks for joining me for the first - and I'm sure last - Mary Mapes Christmas Special.

 

 

 

Holiday special.

 

 

 

Bite me!

 

Comments

[Smitty]

Best. Bit. Ever!

-cs™

[AnonymousDrivel]

There's somethin' about Mary. She seemed awfully and unseasonably cool to Phil. I would've figured they'd be simpatico, peas in the same pod, surfin' the same waves, smokin' the same pipe, sippin' the same Vodka Kool-Aid, etc. I guess there's some undercurrent of animosity considering they're fighting over that thimble-full of fans who might give a d*mn about what they think.

[MCPO Airdale]

"Off, not UP!" - SWEET!

[DannVK]

Still laughing!

[Jeff H]

That governor guy needs major therapy.

[Peter]

Ha-ha! Another gem, John!

[Kiki B.]

"Ho, Ho, Ho!" I always knew Santa was black.

[LadyGunn]

And that, ladies & gents, is why every woman should carry a pretty little pocket knife. Losing a finger kinda makes a fella want to keep his hands to himself. Switchblades work well too.