WuzzaDem

Offline For a While

I'm going to be away, and I probably won't be able to post anything until after the 1st of the new year.

Until then, please talk amongst yourselves in the comments.

And don't spend the whole time goofing off - try to solve at least a few world problems, OK?

 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Thanks to all the "regulars", irregulars, lurkers, and, yes, even the trolls.

Merry. Christmas.

Zell Miller

John Bolton

John from WuzzaDem

 

Have Yourself a Mary Mapes Christmas

I'm Mary Mapes, welcome to the first Mary Mapes Christmas Special.

 

 

 

Actually, we changed the name to holiday special, Mary.

 

 

 

You're joking, right?

 

 

 

Sorry, we had some complaints..

 

 

 

What the hell do I care? We've already decorated the set, and I've got Santa here.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrry...

 

 

 

Pipe down! Listen, hotshot, you just go push your buttons and talk into your little microphone, and I'll take the heat for any complaints.

 

 

 

You're the boss..

 

 

 

Damn straight I am. Our first guest tonight is...

 

 

 

Mary. Mapes. It's good...to see...you.

 

 

 

Oh, hi, Phil. I didn't know we'd booked you as a guest.

 

 

 

You didn't. I just wanted to stop by and say...welcome.

 

 

 

Welcome to what?

 

 

 

Television! I think you'll find it's a little different on this side of the camera, so if you need any pointers...I'm here for you.

 

 

 

You want to give me advice about being on television?

 

 

 

Well, as you know...I've been in that seat before. I'll tell you this...it's not as easy as it looks.

 

 

 

Listen, Phil, it's nice of you to offer, but....

 

 

 

I mean, you've sponsors over here, and producers over here, and the network suits over here, and they ALL...want a piece of you.

 

 

 

I hear you. Well, thanks again, and...

 

 

 

Not ONLY do they want a piece of you...they want you to spoon-feed your audience a steady diet of Republican talking points.

 

 

 

Right, right. OK, well...

 

 

 

I'm tellin' you - whether it's breakfast, lunch or dinner, EVERYBODY'S havin' propaganda! And I...for one...

 

 

 

Your show tanked!

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

Tanked. Sucked. You had, like, fourteen people watching by the time you got tossed! Now, I'd love to chat, but I've got books to move, so take a hike.

 

 

 

Sorry, folks, but it really irks me when people try to blame their failures on someone else.

 

 

 

OK, our first guest tonight is going to tell us about his state's plan to build a spaceport. Ladies and gentlemen, Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico. Welcome to the show, Governor.

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Mary, and might I say, you look lovely tonight.

 

 

 

Thanks...You can let go of my hand now.

 

 

 

Oh, sorry.

 

 

 

No problem, just have a seat...Not on my lap!

 

 

 

Oh! What was I thinking?

 

 

 

I don't know. I'm not Santa Claus, you know.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrr...

 

 

 

Not yet! So, Governor, tell us about this...

 

 

 

Why is your hand on my thigh?

 

 

 

It is? Oh, look at that, I guess it is. Don't worry, that's just my way of lessening tension.

 

 

 

Well, it's not working, so move it.

 

 

 

Right.

 

 

 

Not up; OFF!

 

 

 

Oh, off. OK, no problem.

 

 

 

So, Governor, tell us about this...HEY! OK, I warned you...

 

 

 

Sorry, won't happen again.

 

 

 

No, it won't, because this interview is over.

 

 

 

You looked tense!

 

 

 

OUT!

 

 

 

What a perv.

 

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrrry...

 

 

 

Would you please shut up until I tell you it's time for the Santa bit?

 

 

 

That does it, Mapes! Our settlement agreement says I have to work for your production company for one month, but I thought I was going to be working as an investigative journalist.

 

 

 

If I'd known you were going to have me dress up in this ridiculous outfit I wouldn't have signed on.

 

 

 

Yeah, well, if a frog had sidepockets, yada, yada, yada.

 

 

 

I'm an icon of journalism!

 

 

 

Well, right now you're my bitch, so keep your mouth shut until I tell you to make with the jolly.

 

 

 

Our next guest is Jonathan Alter, who, as I'm sure you know, has just penned an article that's made more than a few people angry. Jonathan, welcome to the show.

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Mary.

 

 

 

Tell us about your latest article.

 

 

 

Well, Mary, I thought I needed...

 

 

 

Sorry for interrupting, but is that your pen on the floor?

 

 

 

Oh, yes it is. Let me just grab that.

 

 

 

 

So, as I was saying, I...

 

 

 

Jonathan, I, uh...

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

You, uh...dropped something else when you were picking up your pen.

 

 

 

Dropped something else? Oh!

 

 

 

 

So, where was I?

 

 

 

You might want to adjust that.

 

 

 

Huh? Oh, just a second.

 

 

 

Man, that was embarrassing.

 

 

 

It's still not quite...right.

 

 

 

Crap!

 

 

 

Better?

 

 

 

Much. So, why would you write something like this?

 

 

 

Well, as I said in the piece, we finally have a Washington scandal that goes beyond sex, corruption and...

 

 

 

What the hell are you talking about?

 

 

 

You asked me to talk about my article.

 

 

 

Not that piece of crap - I'm talking about the hit piece you did on my book.

 

 

 

That wasn't a hit piece. I just pointed out that serious doubts had been raised about your source's credibility months before you aired the Bush memo story.

 

 

 

Who raised doubts about my source?

 

 

 

The Boston Globe.

 

 

 

Really? Show me the Globe articles.

 

 

 

I don't have them with me.

 

 

 

So, are we just supposed to take your word for this?

 

 

 

Of course not...

 

 

 

You come on my show, make these wild accusations, and you have no proof to back up what you're saying?

 

 

 

Oh, come on! You can't expect me to....

 

 

 

You call yourself a journalist? You're a hack!

 

 

 

You can't say that!

 

 

 

Mapes, I just read this settlement agreement over, and I don't see the word "bitch" anywhere.

 

 

 

Did you see the part that says you're my employee for a month? That's what I'm talking about.

 

 

 

I'm still not clear on all the terms and conditions.

 

 

 

Yeah, well, reviewing documents was never a strong point of yours.

 

 

 

I don't have to take this crap from you!

 

 

 

Don't let the door hit you in the ass, chromedome.

 

 

 

Time to wrap it up, Mary.

 

 

 

Holy crap, I thought this train wreck would never end. Well, thanks for joining me for the first - and I'm sure last - Mary Mapes Christmas Special.

 

 

 

Holiday special.

 

 

 

Bite me!

 

Top Ten Comments By Liberals

Yes, we've had quite a few liberals dropping by this week, and they're a witty bunch.

Their comments, playing on the hilarious "Is John from WuzzaDem Zell Miller or John Bolton?" meme, have kept everyone in stitches, so I thought it only fair that I immortalize the Top Ten Comments By Liberals in this post. Hence the name.

Number 10: Bolton? Are you in here? (blogenfreude)

Number 9: So you're John Bolton, eh? (Kittie)

Number 8: Are you John Bolton or Zell Miller? (Bell of the Ball)

Number 7: I challenge Bolton to a duel. (Zell Miller) (Extra LOL points for using that handle!)

Number 6: Is John Boltun here? Did I miss him? Maybe he's busy chasing women down the halls somewhere. (Proud Soldier)

Number 5: Hey I heard the guy from this blog is John Bolton (LOL!!!) You know hes the guy whos really a big asshole with his mustache. Or maybe hes really Zell Miller (even LOLer!!!) If you think this's funny you should visit my blog 'cos the things I'm writing there are even funnier then this comment is. (DEAL WITH REALITY (YOU WINGNUTS))

Number 4: WOw! Zell Miller! In the flesh! Sort of! Yuck. (Never GOP)

Number 3: I heard through the grapevine that the author of this site is Zell Miller. That's awsome! I love that old bastard. But, then I found out later that the author is actually John Bolton, which is not so awesome. Now if it were Michael Bolton, I would be thrilled, but John Bolton? You're a loser John. (Vaugh D. Taylor)

Number 2: hey, zell...er. mr. ambassador? do you use spirit glue to keep that cheesy thing in place (when you step outta your "zell" character), or does it grow to full length overnight? (KEvron)

And the Number 1 comment by a liberal to this blog in the last week actually came in the form of an e-mail from someone who is apparently attending MIT (well, they use an mit.edu e-mail address, anyway):

(Drumroll, please)

"So, are you by any chance John Bolton?"

 

The Actor's Studio: Jared From Subway

Tonight, The Actor's Studio is proud to welcome Jared From Subway. Jared, it is an honor, indeed.

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

Jared. From. Subway. Tell me - nay, tell us - the etymology of this most intriguing and unusual name.

 

 

Actually, it's Jared Fogle.

 

 

Jared. Fogle. Subway. Tell me - nay, tell us...

 

 

No, it's just Jared Fogle. Subway isn't my name, I just do commercials for them.

 

 

Touché, sir.

 

 

I didn't mean that as a...

 

 

THE YEAR WAS 1999!

 

 

And Jared, a struggling thespian, had spent an entire year subsisting on a diet comprised almost solely of sandwiches. Jared, was the Baron Montagu of St Neots a childhood hero of yours?

 

 

I don't know who that is.

 

 

The various titles bestowed upon the Baron Montagu of St Neots included that of Viscount Hinchingbrooke and, as I'm sure you're well aware, The Earl of Sandwich.

 

 

I don't know anything about him.

 

 

Tell us whose shoes you were wearing when you accepted your first academy award.

 

 

Uh, I've never won an academy award.

 

 

DESPAIR IS YOUR ENEMY! Plumb not its depths.

 

 

I'm not despairing, I just make commercials...

 

 

Jared Fogle - heir to the Earl of Sandwich - what sound do you most despise?

 

 

Sound?

 

 

The sound you most despise is sound. Jared, I shall never forget the moment in which a new Zen parable was created on this very stage.

 

 

What's a Zen parable?

 

 

Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times said of the movie Brokeback Mountain: "It's a deeply felt, emotional love story that deals with the uncharted, mysterious ways of the human heart just as so many mainstream films have before it. The two lovers here just happen to be men."

 

 

Jared Fogle, have you seen Brokeback Mountain?

 

 

No, I haven't.

 

 

Would you like to see it this weekend?

 

 

I...uh...I think I'm busy.

 

 

When Kevin Spacey was in that very chair he agreed to see Brokeback Mountain with me.

 

 

Didn't that movie just come out?

 

 

Indeed. Perhaps we saw Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

 

 

You must admit, the two films are more similar than not.

 

 

I really don't know, because I haven't seen...

 

 

After all, whether it is love unrequited or love denied, the relationship between the two...

 

 

Can we talk about something else?

 

 

Am I making you uncomfortable?

 

 

Yes. Yes, you are.

 

 

I'd like to pause for a moment to show our students a scene from one of your earlier works.

 

 

I like them because they're low-fat.

 

 

Tell us what it's like working with your twin brother.

 

 

I don't have a twin brother. That was...

 

 

I have an advance copy, you know.

 

 

What?

 

 

Of Brokeback Mountain. I have it on DVD, so we wouldn't have to bother going to a crowded theater.

 

 

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I really have to go now.

 

 

Wait! I've yet to ask your favorite curse word!

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen of The Actor's Studio - Jared Fogle Subway.

 

Famous Liberals Reenact Scenes From Their Favorite Movies (#22)

Stel-LAAA!

Dear TypePad

How have you been? Haven't see you around much lately.

Just wanted to write brief note to say thanks, but somehow cliche expressions like "Thanks for everything" could never adequately convey my deep sense of gratitude, so I want to go over a few of the things you've done for me lately and thank you for each of them individually.

First of all, thanks for giving me a break from posting to my blog, or for that matter reading any other TypePad blogs for the last 16 hours or so. I needed a break from posting, and eliminating TypePad blogs from my reading choices allowed me to focus on all the great non-TypePad blogs out there.

I also want to thank you for helping me to slow down and enjoy the process of saving posts. Up until a couple of months ago I would just click on the "Save" or "Preview" buttons and I'd be done, but now that saving or previewing posts can take as much as five minutes each and every time I try it, I've learned to enjoy the little things in life more, and I've learned a lot, too.

For instance, I never noticed that a little hourglass appears next to my cursor when my computer is hung up for some reason (like when I'm saving or previewing a post). At first I thought I could see sand flowing through it, but after watching it closely for another forty minutes or so I decided I was just hallucinating because of lack of sleep.

By the way, did you know Carson Daly has his own TV show? Yeah, it comes on at 1:30. AM. I might never have known if it wasn't for you, so thanks.

And, finally, I want to thank you for taking the time to wipe all of those stupid graphics off of the front page of my blog. I don't know what I was thinking when I uploaded those, but I must admit that the blog looks much better now that a lot of them have been replaced with "Images being restored this weekend."

Anyway, I've got to get started on saving this post, so thanks again. And don't be such a stranger.

Your paying customer,

John from WuzzaDem

Trippin'

Hi, everybody, I'm Cameron Diaz, and you're watching Trippin', where my friends and I travel around the world to totally exotic countries so we can learn about indigitous people and talk about Earth Day, which is probably coming up soon.

 

 

 

Isn't it undigitous people, Cam?

 

 

 

Whatever you call them, Drew, they make me feel totally ashamed to live in America.

 

 

 

Me, too!

 

 

 

Today we're in a place called Norlund. Let's go learn about how people live in this part of the world.

 

 

 

Hello? Anybody here?

 

 

 

Who are you?

 

 

 

Hi, we're from America.

 

 

 

UH-MAIR-IK-KUH!

 

 

 

You don't have to yell. What are you doing in my house?

 

 

 

We're here to find out how people live in Norlund.

 

 

 

What the hell is Norlund? You're in New Orleans, and you're in my house.

 

 

 

Nuh-worlunz.

 

 

 

New Orleans!

 

 

 

Noo-wor-lunz.

 

 

 

New Orleans. Don't you know where New Orleans is?

 

 

 

We've been traveling so much I don't know what country we're in.

 

 

 

You're in the state of Louisiana!

 

 

 

Stay-duh-loo-zanga.

 

 

 

Stay-duh-zoo-lang...Stay-duh-loo-zang...That's hard to say!

 

 

 

It's Louisiana! What do you want, anyway?

 

 

 

We're traveling around the globe to see how people from different cultures live.

 

 

 

It's hot in here.

 

 

 

I don't have electricity - or running water.

 

 

 

Oh, I am so jealous!

 

 

 

You're jealous? I can't even keep food in the house without electricity.

 

 

 

That's OK, we ate on the plane.

 

 

 

Yeah, I'm stuffed. What are those cool patterns on the walls?

 

 

 

That's water damage.

 

 

 

That's so cool. You know, in Nepal they put cow-dung on the walls.

 

 

 

I didn't put water on my walls, that's from the flood.

 

 

 

Oh wow, you have floods?

 

 

 

I am so jealous. I wish I could be more like you people.

 

 

 

You people?

 

 

 

Listen, I know there are a lot of differences between us, but I want you to know that as far as I'm concerned, it's like we live on the same planet.

 

 

 

We do live on the same planet!

 

 

 

That's so sweet of you to say! You know, I love the way you have mud on the floor in here. It's so...Earthy.

 

 

 

That mud isn't supposed to be on the floor, it's from the...Where's the other girl?

 

 

 

Cam, I just took a poo in the woods out front. It was awesome!

 

 

 

That's not the woods, that's my front yard!

 

 

 

You have woods in your front yard? I am so...

 

 

 

Get that out of my yard!

 

 

 

Do you want me to rub it on your walls?

 

 

 

Look, just get out of my house, OK? Just get out!

 

 

 

He's right, Drew. We should be out studying the natural environment in Stay-duh-loo-zanga.

 

 

 

Come on, Cam. I'll show you where I...

 

 

 

Get out of my yard!

 

 

 

You know, Drew, I just wish the people in America could come here and see how these people live. It would give them a lot to think about.

 

 

 

What do you mean?

 

 

 

About what?

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

Huh?

 

 

 

I'm hungry.

 

 

 

Me, too. Tell the driver to call the chef on the plane and have him fix us some lunch.

 

 

 

OK.

 

 

 

Make sure he uses organic food.

 

 

 

Well, of course. I'm not an idiot.

 

Source: Old story, via Andrea, who seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the show.

 

Have you voted for WuzzaDem for Best New Blog today?

 

America's #1 Game Show

I'm Bob Winkle, welcome to You Bet Someone Else's Life, where contestants can say whatever they want about the war in Iraq without worrying about the consequences.

 

 

 

Looks like our contestants are eager to get started, so let's jump right into round one. Senator John Kerry, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

 

 

 

You know, Bob, just the other day I spoke with a group of my constituents, and a woman said to me, "Senator Kerry..."

 

 

 

I need a yes or no answer, Senator.

 

 

 

I understand, Bob, but the American people...

 

 

 

Time's almost up, Senator.

 

 

 

You're right Bob, time is almost up for this administration, whose failed policies...

 

 

 

Sorry, time's up. Senator Clinton, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

 

 

 

I'm going to have to get back you on that, Bob.

 

 

 

Sorry, you only get one chance to answer. Congressman Murtha - should we withdraw the troops?

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

Nancy Pelosi.

 

 

 

Wait - I want to change my answer to no.

 

 

 

Too late, Congressman. Nancy Pelosi - withdraw the troops?

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

 

 

Howard Dean.

 

 

 

Unless the President says we should, in which case my answer would be no.

 

 

 

Bob, what I meant to say is that we should redeploy the troops, which may or may not be the same as withdrawing them.

 

 

 

The answer is no, we should not withdraw our troops.

 

 

 

I'm going to say no, Bob.

 

 

 

Too late, Senator. Next question...

 

 

 

I'm a veteran!

 

 

 

Good to know. Howard Dean - is the war in Iraq winnable?

 

 

 

Find out what the president thinks and then say the opposite, Howard.

 

 

 

Say yes - I mean no!

 

 

 

Say we need to do whatever is necessary to achieve the political solution desired by...

 

 

 

Oh, can it, horse-face! Howard, just say it depends.

 

 

 

Depends on what?

 

 

 

I don't know - just try to stall until 2008!

 

 

 

Talk about the town where you grew up!

 

 

 

WTF??

 

 

 

Time's almost up.

 

 

 

OK, I'll say...no!

 

 

 

Oh! You were so close - the answer is yes.

 

 

 

That's what I was going to say, Bob.

 

 

 

Bob, I think my answer was taken out of context.

 

 

 

You can't take "no" out of context.

 

 

 

Well, then it's being distorted by the press.

 

 

 

All right, it's time for our final round, the "I think what he meant to say was" round. Senator Kerry, I'm sure you're familiar with how this works.

 

 

 

I certainly am, Bob.

 

 

 

All you have to do is listen to the following quote and tell us what you think the speaker meant to say. Senator Kerry, we're showing a clip of you this week.

 

 

 

Just like old times.

 

 

 

Here we go, contestants. This is Senator Kerry on Face The Nation.

 

 

 

And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the--of--the historical customs, religious customs..

 

 

 

Whether you like it or not-- Iraqis should be doing that..

 

 

 

Howard Dean, you heard what Senator Kerry said - what do you think he meant to say?

 

 

 

I, uh...I think he meant to say...that, uh, that this administration has...failed the...American people?

 

 

 

Senator Clinton?

 

 

 

Have to get back to you, Bob.

 

 

 

Congressman Murtha.

 

 

 

Veteran!

 

 

 

Senator Kerry, what did you mean to say?

 

 

 

What the hell was I thinking?

 

 

 

I don't think anyone knows. That's our show for tonight, tune in next time for...

 

 

 

Wait, who won?

 

 

 

No one.

 

 

 

No one?

 

 

 

No, you're all losers.

 

 

 

Be sure to tune in next time for more You Bet Someone Else's Life.

 

Have you voted for WuzzaDem for Best New Blog today?

 

Yahoo! Beta

I'm beta testing Yahoo!'s new e-mail interface. It's pretty cool - it has more of a MS Outlook feel to it.

I don't get the photos they use in their promotional ads, though. I guess they're trying to convince you that you'll have more free time on your hands if you use Yahoo! e-mail.

 

More time to walk your dog.

 

Have a picnic.

 

 

Plenty of time to go to the beach and act zany.

 

 

More time to, umm...I don't know...I guess, point at things under a tarp.

 

 

Maybe go out and make an ass out of yourself doing that whole "white hip-hop" thing.

 

 

I really don't know what this is supposed to be. Are they saying you'll have time to put a towel on your head and test your peripheral vision(?)

 

 

This guy looks like he might be a little tipsy.

 

 

He might have had one too many himself.

 

 

Is she drinking? What is this, e-mail for drunks?

 

 

Wait a second - go back to that picnic shot.

 

 

That's the same kind of cup.

 

 

Look at this. The person who took this picture was so wasted they couldn't even hold the camera straight.

 

 

Great - now the zany beach chicks are about to fall face-down in the sand.

 

 

Come to think of it...

 

 

Tarp guy looks like he's three sheets to the wind.

 

 

She won't remember anything tomorrow.

 

 

Now, how baked is this guy? He's trimming his hedges, and there's like three feet of snow on the ground!

 

 

Haven't you had enough?

 

 

OK, this is more like it. Looks like she might be shopping, maybe on some little antique row in a quiet little...

 

 

 

"Parteeeeee!

 

I think I'll sign up for G-Mail.

 

Have you voted for WuzzaDem for Best New Blog today?

 

Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

Just askin'.

I Don't Care

Let's get something straight: I really don't care about these Weblog Awards (I have been nominated for Best New Blog, by the way, but like I said, I could care less whether anyone votes for me), because in the larger scheme of things, awards like this (you know, Best New Blog awards) are trivial.

I'm concerned with other issues - issues far more important then some silly award (Best New Blog award, that is). So, while some bloggers might be obsessed with the Weblog Awards, (including categories like Best New Blog), I refuse to take part in petty vote-pandering.

An award is just an award, and awards really mean nothing when you get right down to it (especially something as silly as a Best Blog award), so I plan to focus my attention on other areas (other than the Weblog Awards, that is).

UPDATE: I've said all I'm going to say about this contest (you know, the one where I'm up for Best New Blog). Frankly, I think certain bloggers (including some who are in the running for Best New Blog) are embarrassing themselves, putting up posts beging for your votes.

I (the person whose blog has been chosen as a finalist for Best New Blog) for one refuse to make a fool of myself by running around the blogosphere shouting "Vote for me! Vote for me!"

When this contest is over (you know, the Weblog Award contest), I'll still have my dignity, which is more than I can say for some bloggers (including some who've been chosen as finalists for Best New Blog in the Weblog Awards competition).

Bits, Pieces, Etc.

Defeat: It's the new victory!

Sample:

April 9,1865:

Convinced that Lincoln's inability to admit he made a huge mistake (by declaring war on the South) will tear the country in two, General Lee, in a grand and magnanimous gesture, hands over control of rebel forces to General Grant in Appomattox, Virginia.

Heh. See the rest here.

Some serious blog/blog award analysis going on here.

Big surprise: Peace Activists ask U.S. and Britain to leave Iraq (video and transcript).

UPDATE: Caruso on Caruso. Heh.

UPDATE II: basil turns one today. He looks older in that picture.

The Situation Room: Hour Nine

I'm Wolf Blitzer. To our viewers, you are in The Situation Room, where new pictures and information are arriving all the time. Standing by, CNN reporters across the United States and around the world to bring you the day's top stories happening now.

 

 

 

 

In our ninth hour today: the war of words over the war in Iraq. The words of our next guest sparked a debate on the floor of Congress and in the media. Joining us now is Representative John Murtha.

 

 

 

 

Congressman Murtha, welcome to The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh, Bob, can we fix this?

 

 

 

 

Congressman Murtha, welcome to The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob!

 

 

 

 

Congressman Murtha, welcome to The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

Congressman Murtha, welcome to Hardball.

 

 

 

 

Chris?

 

 

 

 

Wolf? Where's Congressman Murtha?

 

 

 

 

That's what I was wondering. Must be a mix-up with the satellite.

 

 

 

 

Right, right...satellite. So, new show, huh? What's with all the TVs?

 

 

 

 

Oh, well, we've got, you know, new pictures and information arriving all the time, and uh, CNN reporters across the United States and around the world to bring people the day's top stories happening now.

 

 

 

 

You know what it reminds me of? The Bat cave.

 

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

 

From the old Batman show? Batman would just push a button, and Commissioner Gordon's face would pop up on a screen...

 

 

 

 

Yeah, listen...

 

 

 

 

Maybe Alfred the butler...

 

 

 

 

Uh-huh.

 

 

 

 

I always wondered why they had all the animal-themed criminals.

 

 

 

 

I never really gave it much thought.

 

 

 

 

Let' see, there was The Penguin, Catwoman...

 

 

 

 

Chris...

 

 

 

 

Come to think of it, Batman and Robin were animal-themed, weren't they? I should do a show on this.

 

 

 

 

Chris...

 

 

 

 

This is probably enough material for two shows. I wonder if Michael Isikoff is into Batman. I know Howard Fineman is.

 

 

 

 

Chris!

 

 

 

 

Yeah?

 

 

 

 

I'd love to chat with you, but I'm in the middle of a show.

 

 

 

 

Right, right...show. Me too. Hey, thanks for being on the show, I've really learned a lot from you.

 

 

 

 

All right, I'm told we have the satellite feed now. Congressman Murtha, welcome to The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Chris.

 

 

 

 

It's Wolf.

 

 

 

 

Sorry.

 

 

 

 

Congressman, you've...Excuse me one second, please.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

Congressman, you've made some very controversial statements recently. You said that the Army is "broken, worn out" and "living hand to mouth," and those statements have been contradicted not only by members of the administration, but by military commanders and service men and women on the ground in Iraq.

 

 

 

 

Wolf, I did say those things, but there is one very important detail to this story that is not being reported, and that is that I was doing...

 

 

 

 

This.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're doing.

 

 

 

 

"Quote marks."

 

 

 

 

Quote marks?

 

 

 

 

"Quote marks."

 

 

 

 

I'm not following you.

 

 

 

 

Well, if I say the army is...

 

 

 

 

"Broken down,"

 

 

 

 

That doesn't sound so bad, does it?

 

 

 

 

So, are you saying you didn't really mean those things, that you were being sarcastic?

 

 

 

 

Chris...

 

 

 

 

Wolf.

 

 

 

 

Wolf, I'm just saying that, when people say certain things, they might not always be...

 

 

 

 

"Sincere."

 

 

 

 

I still don't understand.

 

 

 

 

Listen, Wolf, the way kids talk these days, they might say something is...

 

 

 

 

"hot"

 

 

 

 

but what they really mean is that it's

 

 

 

 

"cool."

 

 

 

 

You follow me?

 

 

 

 

I don't, but I'm afraid we're out of time for this segment. Perhaps we can have you back some other time. Congressman John Murtha, thanks for being with us in The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for having me, Wolf, it's been...

 

 

 

 

"great."

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room. We'll start our tenth hour after this short break. Stay with us.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

Once again - you're in The Situation Room.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room.

 

Have you voted for WuzzaDem for Best New Blog today?

Thanks to tee bee for the "quote marks" idea.

 

The Situation Room

I'm Wolf Blitzer. To our viewers, you are in The Situation Room, where new pictures and information are arriving all the time. Standing by, CNN reporters across the United States and around the world to bring you the day's top stories happening now.

 

 

 

 

It's 3 a.m. in Iraq, let's check in with Nic Robertson, who's on the ground in Baghdad. Nic, it looks like it's pitch-black there.

 

 

 

 

Indeed, Wolf, it's so dark that you can't see your hand in front of your face, and at this hour an eerie quiet has...

 

 

 

 

Turn the light off!

 

 

 

 

As I was saying, Wolf...

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, Nic, but where are you right now?

 

 

 

 

I'm in a very dangerous area of...oh, crap.

 

 

 

 

I'm in my kitchen.

 

 

 

 

Why aren't you in Baghdad?

 

 

 

 

It's kind of hard to explain. It's just that my...my...

 

 

 

 

Your what?

 

 

 

 

His wife, that's what. Who's supposed to keep this house up while Nic's running all over the globe for you?

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Roberts, I...

 

 

 

 

I can handle this, dear.

 

 

 

 

Of course you can. You've done a smashing job handling it so far, haven't you?

 

 

 

 

I don't think we need to go into this on...

 

 

 

 

You know what I've been handling? Fourteen pair of underwear full of sand, that's what I've been handling.

 

 

 

 

Honey...

 

 

 

 

How does a person get sand in the crotch of his underwear?

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Roberts, he is a reporter, and travel is part of his job.

 

 

 

 

Why don't you tell that to my daughter? Amelia, the mean man wants to send your daddy away again.

 

 

 

 

Please don't send my daddy away again, mean man.

 

 

 

 

Nic Robertson, checking in from...Nic Robertson checking in with us. Thanks for that report, Nic.

 

 

 

 

You're in The Situation Room. Let's go to New York, where Jack Cafferty is standing by with your e-mail. Hello, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Hello, Wolf. How about that Nic Robertson, huh? Talk about whipped!

 

 

 

 

I don't know if I'd say that.

 

 

 

 

Get real, Blitzer. I bet the guy has to squat to take a pee.

 

 

 

 

Well...

 

 

 

 

And that wife of his - what a shrew!

 

 

 

 

I don't think you should say that about his wife, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm just glad to see he has a wife. Always thought he was a little light in the loafers, if you know what I'm saying.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know what you're saying, but...

 

 

 

 

If you ask me, most of those English guys are.

 

 

 

 

Why don't we change the subject, Jack.

 

 

 

 

Sure. Let's talk about my role on this show. Seems to me I remember some talk of a position as co-host.

 

 

 

 

That's really not my call, Jack.

 

 

 

 

You think I can't cut it? I was reading copy when you were in your diapers, Blitzer.

 

 

 

 

No one's saying you can't cut it.

 

 

 

 

Think I don't get offers? I get offers. I'm in demand.

 

 

 

 

Can we please just get to the e-mail?

 

 

 

 

Hey, you're the head honcho. The question this hour was "What do you think of the show so far?"