And Now, a Word From Our Sponsor

If you complain of writer's cramp after signing your name a few times, then you might be one of the millions of people who suffer from Malingeritis. If you are, we've got great news.

 

 

 

 

Placebex is a drug-free, sugar-based pill that you can take to help convince people that you're suffering. There's no danger of side effects, because Placebex is made from 100% sugar. Here's how it works:

 

 

 

 

Malingering produces little red explody-looking doohickeys at the base of your brain, right next to that thing that looks like one of those Bluetooth earpieces favored by obnoxious loudmouths.

 

 

 

 

Have you seen these stupid Bluetooth things? The other day, I was at the dentist's office, and this jackass sitting next to me starts talking (more like shouting, really) about what he's going to do this weekend: "Yeah, me and some buds are gonna head out to the beach tomorrow, you know, kick back and drink some brews - it's gonna rock, dude!"

 

 

 

 

We were the only ones in the waiting room, so I'm thinking, Oh. My. God! This dickhead really thinks I give a sh*t that him and his "buds" are going to "kick back" at the beach? Is he expecting a high-five or something?

 

 

 

 

Luckily, he turned his head before I could respond and I could see he had one of those "Bluetooth" things jammed into his ear - come to think of it, he was probably turning his head so that I would see it. I guess I was supposed to be impressed.

 

 

 

 

Who gives a rat's ass if they're going to be "drinking some beers" anyway? And what kind of pathetic loser was he talking to? Was that person supposed to hang up and call someone else with the exciting news that "Jimbo" (or whatever his name is) would actually be consuming alcohol that weekend?

 

 

 

 

So, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Placebex. Anyway, those explody-looking things break up into little tiny pieces, and travel down to that twisty tube deal...Hey, how come that other tube stops right there?

 

 

 

 

That doesn't make any sense. Why would you have a tube that goes from your Bluetooth-looking thing down to the middle of you chest and then just stops? Who drew this anyway?

 

 

 

 

Let's just skip this part, because this drawing is a real POS. This graphic was really just supposed to demonstrate that Placebex doesn't really do anything - Duh! It's sugar!

 

 

 

 

Placebex comes complete with hendy anotomical refence guides that can help you to formulate complaints that sound medically accurate.

 

 

 

 

If you wanted to fake writer's cramp, for instance, you could simply refer to the diagram above, and you'd know to say something like "Man, my proximal phalange is killing me," then follow up by tossing back a couple of Placebex in front of your boss. Now, that's convincing.

 

 

 

 

Does Placebex have any dangerous side effects?

 

 

 

 

Ok, I'm pretty sure I said there are no side effects, and I know I said it's made of sugar, so the answer is, no, there are no side effects.

 

 

 

 

What if you're diabetic?

 

 

 

 

Well, that's different. Since you're diabetic, you obviously need to be careful about how much sugar you take in, so please don't take Placebex until you've asked a doctor.

 

 

 

 

I'm not diabetic.

 

 

 

 

Then why did you..? Never mind.

 

 

 

 

What's it called again?

 

 

 

 

It's called PLACEBEX! Were you listening to what I said??

 

 

 

 

I was listening - you were talking about that diabetes medicine.

 

 

 

 

No, it's not diabetes medicine! I already told you, you shouldn't take it if you're diabetic.

 

 

 

 

I'm not diabetic.

 

 

 

 

I know you're not diabetic!

 

 

 

 

Well, if you wanted him to take that medicine, you must have thought he was diabetic.

 

 

 

 

I'm not diabetic.

 

 

 

 

He's the one that thinks you're diabetic. And he says I'm not listening.

 

 

 

 

He's not diabetic!

 

 

 

 

Then you shouldn't have been telling me to take diabetes medicine.

 

 

 

 

I was not telling you to take diabetes medicine! Placebex is not for diabetics!

 

 

 

 

Then why did you think it was going to help his diabetes?

 

 

 

 

All right!! I'm done talking to both of you. I have a splitting headache, and I'm leaving. Goodbye.

 

 

 

 

There's something wrong with that guy. Maybe he should take one of those pills.

 

 

 

 

That woudn't do him any good - they're for diabetes.

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah - forgot.

 

Comments

[Greg]

This is classic Wuzzadem comedy. Those photographers had some nerve, snapping photos at just the right moment between crowds.

[AnonymousDrivel]

Now, who's on first? *ouch!* Nevermind. You're making my explody-looking doohickeys hurt. Does Placebex work for that?

[J-dawg]

Love it.

Can't we sign John to a contract or something. John's one of these bloggers I pray doesn't get burned out and hang it up....

[Peter]

Ha-ha! This one really cracked me up. One of your best!

[MCPO Airdale]

Hey, I resemble those coots!?!

[Coot]

Hey, I resemble MCPO Airdale!

[Hal]

I come here every day for the comedy. You really have the gift. I just laughed myself silly.

[Michael]

Are you trying to kill me?

[John from WuzzaDem]

Yes, but what does that have to do with anything on this blog?

[Michael]

Yes, but what does that have to do with anything on this blog?

Well, they say that laughter is the best medicine, but that is not necessarily true. If you drink a lot of Jack Daniels and smoke a lot of Marlboro Lights and live a, um, "sedentary" lifestyle, it can be a health hazard when you fall out of your chair due to uncontrollable laughter.

I'm just sayin'.

I'm putting two kids through college at the moment.

You are a fairly well-known blogger.

Dude, be responsible.

Wait just another 18 months. Kill me when both my kids have graduated.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Marlboro Lights? Don't tell me - the store was out of regular Marlboros and you're smoking your wife's, right?

[Greg]

Do Marlboro Lights have any side effects?

[John from WuzzaDem]

Yes, you can strain your lungs from sucking as hard as you can trying to get some flavor out of them.

[wxjames]

Next time I'm in the diner and someone asks for sweet-and-low, I'm going to ask for Placebex. Then I'll start laughing as if they all get the joke.
Ha ha ha ha.......still laughing

[BIRDZILLA]

Tention builds up till you have a HEADACHE just use DRISTAN or BAYER or EXEDRAN OR ANICIN OR BUFFERIN or just take two SOMENEX TONIGHT AND SLEEP SAFE AND RESTFUL SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP ZZZZZZZZZZZ