Scott McClellan's Out - Mr. Stick Figure's In

As you all know, Scott McClellan submitted his resignation today. I want to thank Scott for his hard work and dedication, and wish him the best of luck.

 

 

 

 

It's my pleasure to appoint as Press Secretary Mr. Stick Figure. He's well informed, he speaks his mind, and I'm sure you'll all enjoy working with him. Stick?

 

 

 

 

Thanks, boss. You heard the man - Mumbly McMushmouth is history, so let's get this show on the road. Let's hear from...

 

 

 

 

You...Four-eyes.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

Not you, the other four-eyes.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

What did I just say? Yes, you!

 

 

 

 

Oh, OK, I was just going to, um, I mean, I wanted to say, I mean to ask that, um...

 

 

 

 

Holy crap - spit it out, already!

 

 

 

 

Oh, sorry. Um, as you know...

 

 

 

 

OK, let's get one thing straight - any question beginning with the phrase "As you know" is a waste of my freaking time, because if I already know, I don't need you to remind me. Sound like a plan?

 

 

 

 

I guess so. So, um, then I guess what I should say is, um...

 

 

 

 

All right, time's up, Zippy. We've only got three years left in this administration, and something tells me you need more time than that to formulate a complete sentence. Let's go to Mr. Pink-Shirt over here on the right.

 

 

 

 

Stick Figure, do you think Scott McClellan should have admitted he was wrong when he said that...

 

 

 

 

Again with this?? What are you, obsessed with the guy?

 

 

 

 

I think it's a reasonable question, after all, he was the press secretary for this administration, and he stated emphatically that...

 

 

 

 

The key word being was, OK? By now, he's probably working at the local Starbucks, so how about you head over there, grab a latte, and the two of you can continue your little domestic squabble over some banana nut loaf, huh?

 

 

 

 

You're avoiding the question, and the American people aren't going to stand for...

 

 

 

 

Whoa! Hold up a second there, sparky. In case you haven't noticed, there's a new sheriff in town, and he's not taking any crap from the peanut gallery.

 

 

 

 

But I asked a question, and I think you have a responsibility to...

 

 

 

 

Responsibility? Let's just review here - me, presidential appointee; you, Brian Williams office-boy. Now, despite the obvious difference in our social standings, I'm still willing to let you come in here and hang out with these other losers, but you're gonna have to mind your p's and q's, so pipe down, already.

 

 

 

 

That's not...

 

 

 

 

Next! Let's hear from Lurch, down here in front.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

The next person who asks that is out on his ass - yes, you!

 

 

 

 

This is nuts, you can't talk to...

 

 

 

 

Hey, Porny McSleazemouth, I heard about you and your "sloppy seconds" comment, so get this straight - I don't want to hear you talking about nuts, or any other body parts for that matter, got it?

 

 

 

 

But, but...

 

 

 

 

Again with the body parts! OK, I warned you, now you're sitting this one out.

 

 

 

 

Oldie McFartson, what've you got for me?

 

 

 

 

I've reviewed six different polls on issues ranging from the public's opinion on...

 

 

 

 

Can you believe this guy? He's actually reading from a script.

 

 

 

 

...demographic studies, many of which concur that...

 

 

 

 

Does he think he's running for office or something?

 

 

 

 

Now, taking into consideration the economic disparity between many...

 

 

 

 

I'm just going to let him talk. Chrome Dome, you're up!

 

 

 

 

Mr. Stick Figure, as you know...

 

 

 

 

What did I say about that? Somebody grab this loser's press pass give him the heave-ho.

 

 

 

 

Hairpiece! What's on your mind?

 

 

 

 

I don't wear a hairpiece!

 

 

 

 

Maybe you should give it some thought.

 

 

 

 

Why would I do that?

 

 

 

 

I don't have time for small talk right now - what's your question?

 

 

 

 

Well, I just have to say that, in view of your conduct here today, there's no way I can vouch for you.

 

 

 

 

Well, I don't remember asking you to vouch for me...

 

 

 

 

I'm serious, I can't carry your water.

 

 

 

 

Carry my water? What does that mean?

 

 

 

 

You're being downright condescending. I'm a reporter for ABC, you know.

 

 

 

 

That's just one of the reasons I would never ask you to vouch for me.

 

 

 

 

I've filled in for Koppel on Nightline!

 

 

 

 

That's it, get it all out. Confession is good for the soul. Oh, I forgot - you're a reporter for ABC. Well, confession's probably good for you, anyway.

 

 

 

 

I don't have to take this from you!

 

 

 

 

BOR-ing! You, in the back - take your best shot.

 

 

 

 

Wouldn't you agree that the president...

 

 

 

 

Wouldn't you agree that the president.

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, wouldn't you...

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, wouldn't you.

 

 

 

 

What are you doing?

 

 

 

 

What are you doing?

 

 

 

 

Are you playing some kind of game?

 

 

 

 

No, I'm demonstrating the fine art of verbatim quoting. You bozos should try it some time.

 

 

 

 

All right, show's over, kids. Move along, nothing to see here.

 

 

 

 

I can't believe I made so many new friends in one day. I think I'm going to like this gig.

Upon hearing the news of McClellan's resignation, Bill O'Reilly goes to IHOP

See also: Mr. Stick Figure: INXS

 

Comments

[Matt]

Except for the unforgivable omission of Helen Thomas, that was perfect.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Matt,

Unforgivable omission? Perhaps. Exhibition of self-restraint? Absolutely.

[Anti-Dodger]

Mumbly McMushmouth - HA! HA!

[AnonymousDrivel]

I kinda liked the Oldie McFartson's script-reading quip.

Finally, a Press Secretary I can respect! I'll bet Mr. Figure even herds cats. THIS is Presidential material we're witnessing.

[Gordon]

Ditto AD! Sticky in '08!

[Anti-Anti-Dodger]

Well done!

[tommy]

Very Nice.

[Brian]

All I want for Christmas is Mr. Stick Figure as White House Press Secretary . . .

Speak softly and carry a big Mr. Stick Figure!

[gultig]

"No, I'm demonstrating the fine art of verbatim quoting. You bozos should try it some time."

Awesome!

[tee bee]

So we can expect Clippy to be filling in for Scooter?

[Splashman]

Love it! Thanks, John!

Hell yes -- Sticky in '08!!!

[Gordon]

Say, did you ever notice that when you scroll down really quickly, it looks like a movie?

[Semanticleo]

And the difference between stick-man and the straw man?

[Semanticleo]

Oh, yes and it was awesome. An enriching experience.

Thanks again.

[RonC]

Where the hell did *that* come from?!

Wow, comedy freshness. Breathe deeply; it's almost heady.

Lots of great stuff in there... especially a much needed and long-deserved swipe at script-reading jackalope burr-up-their ass interlocuteur wannabe's.

/worried you're setting the bar too high (or low)

[Jeff H]

John, I gotta ask: is Sementicleo of the Insensate Testes for real, or another one of your satirical alter egos appearing here in the comments just as a...well, "straw man" to be ridiculed for his stupidity?

If not, my apologies for thinking so.

{there, that should satisfy the lawyers}

[Semanticleo]

JeffH;

Have I erred? Have I missed some salient point about this site? Is this some erstwhile wannabe imitator of BlameBush? If so, perhaps in it's imitation something has been lost.

Have I presumed, errantly, that there are serious people who read and comment here with the intent of gaining something except some insular reality that soothes the savage troglodyte.

Has intelligence suddenly dropped on earth making this the repository or the monastery of drop-outs?

If it is just my intelligence which you question, let the ridicule begin. I assure you, I won't be offended, merely amused.

[RonC]

.... and another thing,

Yea, I didn't get that "We can't vouch for you," jackassery either. You guys aren't in the business of "vouching" for the president or his staff. I mean I know you felt like you were fronting for the man back in the Clinton days but that was like two wars and three supreme justices ago.

God forbid that the spokesman for the White House take the podium and actually try to do something so daft as to sell the Administration's policies or anything.

You lied to us! I was hyping the product you buttwipe.

[Jeff H]

Thanks to all for making my point so succinctly.

[AnonymousDrivel]

Semanticleo: "And the difference between stick-man and the straw man?"

The stick man has a spine and some stones... that he's prepared to throw.

Further, the Fourth Estate has been harvesting sinister straw for years and it takes a firm Stick to knock it down. Just be grateful that Mr. Figure hasn't yet taken a scycle to 'em and emascul- uh, never mind. The public is getting pretty good at that on their own.

[Semanticleo]

Anonymousdrivel;

Frst of all, I was referring to mcClellan as the straw-man.

He did at least as well as Ari at deflecting probing questions from the Press Corps. I thought he did a masterful job of not collapsing into a political version of 'singularity' when you consider the burden of defending himself from previous 'assurances' that the WH was not involved in the Plame affair. So the stick man is doing a better job? That was my point. Who could do a better job, under the circumstances?

[AnonymousDrivel]

Semantic,

Yes, I understood that McClellan was the Administration's "straw-man" or the representative of White House policy straw as defined by a hostile and biased gaggling media. Did he deflect well? Sure he did, as did Fleischer during his tenure.

My point was that Mr. Figure takes such biased, arrogant, self-absorbed, and hypocritical pontificators from the elite class and exposes their true character - something that a typical Press Secretary cannot do (or could do with considerable risk) but that a more reasonable public would like to see.

In fact this very trait is what endears me to Secretary Rumsfeld so much. I suspect he and Mr. Figure share a common ancestor though Stick is a bit rougher around the edges. Stick probably grew up earning his bones on the streets while Rummy was waxing eloquently among the literati.

Whatever the case, seeing an irresponsible and condescending press get their comeuppance is delicious. Stick just happens to serve his a bit colder... and, yes, better from my perspective. A serious and honest press is highly desirable. Sadly, I don't think we have one and a Press Secretary, whatever the stripe, should not have to go through this song-and-dance on such disingenous premises. On the upside, as I mentioned, I think alternative media is providing the context so lacking from previous eras. Fair-minded and serious adults, even with their political/social bias, appreciate alternative perspectives, and I think the anti-liberal one has gained tremendous ground, however belated, in this particular venue.

[Brian]

"Semanticleo"

fortheluvofgod - this guy wants to have a deep intellectual discussion on the meaning of "Mr. Stick Figure".

Makes me so glad I'm no longer a Democrat and don't have to associate with humorless, chin-stroking, pseudo-intellectual poseurs.

[Semanticleo]

Anonymous drivel;

Not wanting to open the snakepit that will descend upon the discusion about 'liberal biased media', let me thread another needle.

Was the Press doing their job on the run up to the war?
If so, explain how, or how not.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Is a #2 pencil acceptable for this test?

Once again, anti-Leo, anyone can listen to Al Franken and parrot his crap. BOR-ing.

We don't mind you hanging around here if you're lonely, but you really should put a little more effort into your trolling efforts.

That said, we understand why you wouldn't want to "descend upon the discusion about 'liberal biased media'".

[AnonymousDrivel]

Semantic,

Overall, I thought the press was OK given the limits of investigation. I am referring to the innately constricted ability to acquire data from within Iraq's regime to contradict anything the administration and foreign intelligence agencies could have gathered. However, once the war in the sand began, so did the media suckage; e.g. the reminescent "quagmire", an opening salvo to the Vietnamization of this war in the midst of history's fastest land assault during the first couple of weeks.

I understand that the institution had commercial interests to consider and that appearing too antagonistic would appear unpatriotic. Such a perception would effect the economic bottom line and is genuinely a thin line to walk. I have some sympathy for that; however, fair assessments without the political baggage are always defensible.

I'll leave it at that because this is a topic that could meander ad infinitum. Let me return the favor. Do you think the press acted responsibly, and do you think it is acting responsibly now?

Brian,

Take or leave the comedy or tragedy. Makes no difference to me. And what makes you assume I'm a guy? I could be a hermaphroditic Vegan. Or a chinless ameoba on a particularly heavy binge. Who's to say?

[John from WuzzaDem]

Makes me so glad I'm no longer a Democrat and don't have to associate with humorless, chin-stroking, pseudo-intellectual poseurs.

Brian - ditto.

[thirdee]

How could anyone not be amused with that? Hilarious. Loved it.

[AnonymousDrivel]

Brian,

My mistake. Got confused. Not the first time, either. I'm surprised I can even time travel, not trip over my own pseudopodia, or tie the laces to my shoes.

[Semanticleo]

Anonymous;

With some notable exceptions, the Press has been awol for decades. They have more resources than ever, but they prefer the easy story they know is going to be read. The most important thing is; pictures. They must have video.

I really don't blame them for taking the path of least resistance. It is a human foible. It is unnatural for people to be 'shit-kickers' (allow me to define my version. Most people walk around the dog crap on the pavement, whereas shit-kickers....well you know)

It used to be that journalists became such for the job-in-itself. The pay was low, but the satisfaction could be high. The lifestyle allowed one to be autonomous while employed, a scarce commodity today.
They could be mavericks and piss off their boss as long as they got the story.

Being poorly paid, they saw the seamy side of life. They learned to identify with the little guy who got pushed around by the powerful. They (the good ones) saw that truthful reporting brought attention to matters which needed some public focus. Some disagree this should be the role of the press. I think it is part of the public trust. When you wield power, you administer justice according to your ability. Today with 7 figure contracts and talking heads, the press is mostly composed of people who don't care about the cost of gasoline. All they want is to maintain the status quo, ergo their 'upscale' lifestyle, and their stock portfolios.

There are still good ones around, but they are scarcer than ever. Moral courage is a rapidly diminishing resource. Thats a lot of speculation without stats and URLs for backup, I understand. But that stuff has it's limits too.

"Being poorly paid, they saw the seamy side of life. They learned to identify with the little guy who got pushed around by the powerful. They (the good ones) saw that truthful reporting brought attention to matters which needed some public focus."

What a steaming pile. This is similar to the "artists are more empatetic, so they tend to me more liberal", or Mike Wallace's bullshit about reporters being patriotic by nature of their position.

You don't have anything to back up what you're saying because it's total bullshit.

[Improbulus Maximus]

If only. If only.

[Sue Bob]

I sure hope that this line of comments are part of the parody. If they aren't, I think I've fallen down the rabbit-hole with Alice.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Jerri - hope you brougt a ladder.

[The ANchoress]

I loved this! I'm linking!

[Ghost Dansing]

Not so surprising that this Republican administration would appoint idiot stickmen to be their official spokesman.

Sarcasm and Satire derive their effectiveness from the grain of truth they represent.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Dude, it's a stick figure. No need to get all philosophical.

[Paladin]

Ghost needs to get a grip. I thought it was stellar, as usual!

[Dan tdaxp]

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you.

[dick meusser]

I like scott better. He's so youv'e got my balls in your grip that the only thing I can do is squeel my way around. The stick vomits the same shit as scott. No diff, waste of time and energy. Impeach bush.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Impeach bush

Dick,

Spelling and grammatical errors aside, that has to be one of the most insightful and original comments ever left on a blog.

Bravo, sir, bravo!

[Laurence Simon]

Beautiful, man.

[HNAV]

LOL

another classic...

with Democrats showing up to leave tiresome messages?

icing on the cake...

[Martin A. Knight]

Semanticleo said;

Was the Press doing their job on the run up to the war?

In terms of what?

Because I am hoping you are not one of those 100% hindsighters who would have us believe that the thought never crossed anybody's mind that Saddam still maintained weapons of mass destruction and was a threat to the United States or that he could consort with terrorists.

"... it is incontestable that on the day I left office, there were unaccounted for stocks of biological and chemical weapons."
- Bill Clinton (CNN - July 22, 2003)

Let's be honest here, dude; given a thousand years, the Press would never ever have questioned the consensus that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and had no problems making deals with terrorists because throughout the 1990s they were writing things like this:
From CNN - February 13, 1999
From ABC - January 14, 1999
From The Guardian (UK) - February 6, 1999

PS: Bush wasn't President in 1999.

[Edna Bambrick]

I am reporting anyone who posts bad about my president!

[John from WuzzaDem]

OK, good luck with that.

[Elmo]

E) Mommeeeee! John did it again (sniff, sniff).

M) There there little Elmo, we can't all be as funny as him now. Have you thought about maybe doing celebrity gossip instead?

[JorgXMckie]

I vote for Gen Honore as press secretary. ("Are you all stuck on stupid?") Especially if they let him keep his sidearm.

[Plato's Stepchild]

All you were missing was a reporter named "Mike Hunt".

Beautiful.

[Woody]

He should just tell the reporters to "stick it."

[Mark in Texas]

While Mr.Stickfigure would be a great Press Secretary, he does suffer from the disability of being a fictional entity.

My personal choice would be for Mark Levin as Press Secretary.

He would give the ladies and gentlemen of the media all the respect that they deserve.

[Good Lt]

Exquisite!

[Lisa Gilliam]

I am glad to see McCllelan go,he was a wimp,and when it came to military affairs,he was like Duh!I want to see somebody in there like General Honore or R.Lee Ermey types,not any more of these perfumed princes like we have seen.