WuzzaDem

Democratic Response to President Bush's Speech

 

 

 

 

Click!

 

 

 

 

The Democratic members of the House and Senate applaud the President for addressing people of the United States today, however, I have to say we're disappointed with what he said, or possibly what he did not say.

 

 

 

 

The President offered no new information or insight about the situation in Iraq, and the American people deserve the truth.

 

 

 

 

On the other hand, if during the course of the speech he did offer some new information, I must say I'm disheartened by what I heard, and that it's obvious we need a new approach...

 

 

 

 

...unless he discussed a new approach, in which case I want to state for the record that the plan or plans outlined by the President don't appear to be based in reality, as they don't take into account the facts as we know them.

 

 

 

 

We strongly disagree with most or all of the President's assertions, and feel that any solutions he may have proposed do not adequately address the root cause of the problem or problems they may have been intended to address.

 

 

 

 

And now, I'd like to turn the microphone over to whoever might be here on stage with me. I'm sure he or she needs no introduction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I--or we--will be glad to answer any questions you might have. How about...

 

 

 

 

You, in the back.

 

 

 

 

Thank you. You said that the President...

 

 

 

 

You, in the back.

 

 

 

 

Yes, you said that the President...

 

 

 

 

You, in the back.

 

 

 

 

Bam!

 

 

 

 

That's an excellent question, and one that I'd be happy to answer.

 

 

 

 

I didn't get to ask a question!

 

 

 

 

But first, let me say that this president has been a failure.

 

 

 

 

He has destroyed the economy, misled this country into a war of choice, and...

 

 

 

 

You, in the back.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

That's an excellent question.

 

 

 

 

That's not a real question!

 

 

 

 

But first, let me say...

 

 

 

 

Bam!

 

 

 

 

...has been a failure.

 

 

 

 

Bam!

 

 

 

 

...and one that I'd be happy to answer...

 

 

 

 

Bam!

 

 

 

 

I guess it could have been worse - they could have put Dean in front of the cameras.

 

Happy Birthday to This Blog!

Wow, I just realized that I started this blog one year ago today.

My, how time flies when you're wasting it.

 

Flannels Media: Flogjam #1

The Commissar has just launched "capitalist" Flannels Media (FLM), destined to be like … well .. one of the most important blog things ever, in the history of the planet.

As one of the few "chosen" blogs, I'm pleased to host the first in what may be a continuing series of "Flogjams" - stream of consciousness "rap sessions" in which experts, media professionals and bloggers enter a "virtual room" to hash out the "issues" of the "day".

Weighing in today are:

The Commissar
John from WuzzaDem
Tammy Bruce
Glenn Reynolds
Charles Johnson
Roger L. Simon

Let's Flogjam!

 

 

#1 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 7:55 PM OK, I want to have a serious discussion about our progress so far. Is there anything we should have done differently?       #2 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 7:56 PM Differently? What are you talking about? We just launched.       #3 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 7:57 PM Never to soon to start learning from your mistakes, John.       #4 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 7:58 PM We just launched today! How many mistakes can we have made our first day?       #5 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 7:59 PM Good question. Tammy?       #6 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:00 PM Well, I like the concept, whatever it is, but I really don't like that logo. Or the name. They're too...I don't know - LL Bean. Can we change them?       #7 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:01 PM You're kidding, right? Do you know how stupid we'd look if we changed our name and logo right after we launched?       #8 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:02 PM Tammy, if you refresh the page and then take a look at the top, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.       #9 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:03 PM Great. I'll check it out.       #10 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:04 PM What's Charles doing here?       #11 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:05 PM He and Roger just came into some money and started a venture capital company. They gave us a thousand bucks.       #12 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:06 PM Cool. Hey, weren't they involved in some other start-up?       #13 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:07 PM Beats me.       #14 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:08 PM So, I suppose you've all noticed my avatar is a monkey.       #15 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:09 PM Uh, dude...       #16 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:10 PM And he's wearing...wait for it...ninja pajamas.       #17 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:11 PM Dude, that's not a monkey, it's Tom Cruise.       #18 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:12 PM Charles, I'm getting an error message when I refresh the page.       #19 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:13 PM That can't be right.       #20 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:14 PM I'm telling you, that's a photo of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch.       #21 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:15 PM I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Tammy. Try it again, Tammy. Maybe you did something wrong.       #22 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:16 PM Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late, heavy blogging today.       #23 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:17 PM Grand Rounds must be up.       #24 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:18 PM Heh.       #25 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:19 PM What?       #26 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:20 PM Nothing.       #27 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:21 PM Nothing.       #28 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:22 PM Charles, I'm getting the same error message when I refresh the page.       #29 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:23 PM You must be doing something wrong. Let me take another look..       #30 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:24 PM Yeah, like I don't know how to click on "Refresh".       #31 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:25 PM OK, calm down. I'll show you how easy this is. I'll just refresh the page, and....SON OF A B*TCH! Why am I getting this damned error message??       #32 Roger L. Simon at November 28, 2005 8:26 PM Charles, didn't we talk about hiring a programmer to do this kind of work?       #33 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:27 PM Don't start on me again, Roger!       #34 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:28 PM So Glenn, any suggestions for Flannels Media?       #35 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:29 PM Huh? Oh, sure, just make sure you, you know...empower bloggers, and uh...provide a forum for citizen journalists to...uh...       #36 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:30 PM Man, you're just phoning it in any more, aren't you?       #37 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:31 PM What are you talking about?       #38 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:32 PM Come on, dude - empowering? Provide a forum? Why not throw in some BS about "shifting the paradigm"?       #39 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:33 PM All right, so I'm a little tired!       #40 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:34 PM *%$#@!*& error messages!!!       #41 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:35 PM You try scouring 97 blogs for links, shuttling the Instafamily around in your hybrid car while you're dictating your next TCS Daily column, snapping photos, then razor-blogging before you throw something tasty on the grill.       #42 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:36 PM All right. I'm sorry, OK?       #43 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:37 PM I think I found the problem, Tammy. Try refreshing the page again.       #44 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 8:38 PM Whatever!       #45 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:39 PM I think Tammy's getting a little impatient.       #46 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:40 PM By the way, I just hooked us up with a state of the art WI-FI connection.       #47 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:41 PM That should make Glenn happy.       #48 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:42 PM Indeed.       #49 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 8:43 PM What?       #50 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:44 PM Nothing.       #51 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:45 PM Nothing.       #52 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:46 PM Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?       #53 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:47 PM WTF??       #54 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:48 PM Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.       #55 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 8:49 PM Charles, I think we've got a problem with the WI-FI signal.       #56 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:50 PM Sir, are you going to order?       #57 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:51 PM I don't understand why this is happening.       #58 Roger L. Simon at November 28, 2005 8:52 PM Charles, I just got a call from one of our backers and he was quite distressed. Seems he tried to log on to the web site and got a total of 404 errors.       #59 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:53 PM I hate to say it, but this web site is a steaming pile of crap.       #60 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:54 PM Would you like fries with that?       #61 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 8:55 PM No - I mean, I'm not talking to you!       #62 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:56 PM Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.       #63 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 8:57 PM He didn't get a total of 404 errors, you idiot, he got a 404 error.       #64 Roger L. Simon at November 28, 2005 8:58 PM Well, if you ask me, that's still 404 too many.       #65 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 8:59 PM Sir, I need to know if you want fries with that.       #66 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 9:00 PM Charles, we need to fix this, right now.       #67 Tammy Bruce at November 28, 2005 9:01 PM I've had it with this $#@! web site, Charles! You know, I was in a good mood when I got here, and now I'm really pissed off!       #68 Roger L. Simon at November 28, 2005 9:02 PM Charles...       #69 Charles Johnson at November 28, 2005 9:03 PM Everyone. Shut. Up! I need to cool down, so I'm going for a bike ride. I'll be back later.       #70 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 9:04 PM I'm sorry, sir, we don't allow bikes in the drive-thru lane.       #71 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 9:05 PM Wait, Charles! Great. Who's going to fix this thing? Glenn, do you know anything about wireless routers?       #72 Glenn Reynolds at November 28, 2005 9:06 PM Bzzzzzzzz       #73 John from WuzzaDem at November 28, 2005 9:07 PM I'm out of here.       #74 The Commissar at November 28, 2005 9:08 PM I'm right behind you. Oh, thanks to everyone who...ah, forget it.       #75 Drive-Thru Chick at November 28, 2005 9:09 PM Sir? Hello?

Godzilla vs. Murtha, Part II

In Part I:

 

ROAR!!

 

 

BOOM! BOOM!

 

 

Are you nuts? There's no way you can win this thing! Pull out!!

 

And now, the conclusion of Godzilla vs. Murtha:

 

[Singing]
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
He pulls the spitting high tension wires down.

 

 

 

Only a coward would run from Godzilla - he must be defeated!

 

 

 

Tim, what you just heard is one more example of the Republican leadership engaging in the lowest form of smear and fear politics...

 

 

 

It should be clear to anyone that I am too young to be part of the Republican leadership!

 

 

 

Tim, once again the Chinese people are...

 

 

 

Why do you say I am Chinese when this is something that is not true?

 

 

 

Tim, some kid is engaging in personal attacks on John Murtha, a senior congressman who...

 

 

 

I was not talking about John Murtha - I was only saying that Godzilla must be defeated which is true.

 

 

 

Tim, some kid is has made a statement that has little if anything to do with the topic we're discussing.

 

 

 

That may sound harsh to some people, but I stand by it.

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

I actually had a point before I didn't have a point.

 

 

 

Helpless people on a subway train
Scream bug-eyed as he looks in on them.

 

 

 

The Japanese can't play hide-the-salami with regard to this Godzilla threat, Tim.

 

 

 

Hee hee hee!

 

 

 

Uh, I think I should rephrase that.

 

 

 

I meant to say this alleged Godzilla threat.

 

 

 

Almost made a fool of myself on national television.

 

 

 

Surely his level of stupidity is more than double that of a normal human!

 

 

 

He picks up a bus and he throws it back down
As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town.

 

 

 

The Japanese are a very proud people. They have a history that goes back, I don't know, probably a couple of hundred years or more.

 

 

 

So I'm convinced the best thing for them to do is to turn tail and run like hell.

 

 

 

Oh no, they say he's got to go
Go go Godzilla.

 

 

 

Remember, Tim, the Japanese are fighting an illegal battle with Godzilla based on half-truths and outright lies.

 

 

 

B*tch, are you for real?

 

 

 

Oh no, there goes Tokyo
Go go Godzilla.

 

 

 

First, we were told he could walk right out of the ocean, as he if he were amphibious, which is ridiculous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there were the stories of him shooting some king of laser beam from his mouth. We've seen no proof of this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then there's the really big lie - nuclear capability. Tim, there is absolutely no evidence to support this claim...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did Godzilla do that?

 

 

 

No, we just took out the NBC studios. Only way we could shut those people up.

 

 

 

History shows again and again
How nature points up the folly of men.

 

 

 

Payback's a b*tch, huh?

 

 

 

Godzilla!

 

It's a Mr. Stick Figure Thanksgiving Special!

Hey, happy Thanksgiving, John.

 

 

Right back atcha, Mr. Stick Figure. And give my best to your family.

 

 

I will. You've never met my wife, have you?

 

 

No, I'd love to meet her sometime.

 

 

Great.

 

 

Do you have any kids?

 

 

No, we don't.

 

 

So, where's your wife?

 

 

What?!?

 

 

I said where's your...

 

 

What the hell is wrong with you?

 

 

What's your problem? I just asked where your wife is.

 

 

That was my wife you were just talking to, you idiot!

 

 

Geez, I'm sorry, I just uh, uh...

 

 

You just what? You can't tell the difference between men and women?

 

 

I said I'm sorry. Please, bring your wife back so I can apologize.

 

 

All right, but you'd better make it good.

 

 

I will, I will, just go get her.

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Listen, I...

 

 

I'm really sorry, ma'am. You're a very lovely woman, I was just a little distracted, and...

 

 

What is your problem, nimrod? I was just trying to tell you I can't talk my wife into coming back in here.

 

 

Oh, well, Uh...

 

 

I come in here and you tell me I'm lovely? You're weirding me out, man.

 

 

I'm sorry, OK?

 

 

Just forget it. I'm out of here.

 

 

Whatever.

 

 

That was embarrassing.

 

 

Listen, I'm sorry if I...

 

 

No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset your wife.

 

 

Oh. My. GOD!

 

 

What? What is your problem?

 

 

Way to go, dipstick! I get my wife to come back and make nice and you insult her again?

 

 

Oh, come on! You've got to admit, there is a...You know, there's a...

 

 

A what?? Spit it out, already!

 

 

Nothing, nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, and please apologize to your...your spouse.

 

 

Yeah, yeah, a lot of good that'll do now. I'll see you later.

 

 

Yeah, I'll see you.

 

 

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

Sorry

Couldn't post anything, injured myself playing air guitar.

The doctor has restricted my to air harmonica for the next two weeks.

Looks like I need to go CD shopping tomorrow.

 

Godzilla vs. Murtha

ROAR!!

 

 

 

 

 

BOOM! BOOM!

 

 

 

 

 

Are you nuts? There's no way you can win this thing! Pull out!!

 

Murthac The Magnificent

Murthac, I have in my hand the first envelope, which has been hermetically sealed and kept since noon today in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls' porch.

 

 

 

 

Can't be too careful after what happened in Ohio in 2004.

 

 

 

 

Let's see - 50 million people freed from the grip of a brutal dictator, thousands of schools built, free elections and a free press for the first time in over fifty years.

 

 

 

 

Brutal dictator, schools opened, free elections, free press.

 

 

 

 

That's what I just said.

 

 

 

 

Just trying to help, oh great one.

 

 

 

 

May your next campaign be managed by Bob Shrum. I will now open the envelope...

 

 

 

 

The question is: How would you describe a total failure on the part of the U.S. military in Iraq?

 

 

 

 

I've always been skeptical of this so-called 'progress' in Iraq.

 

 

 

 

Well, it's become apparent to me there's been no progress in Iraq. That's why we should pull the troops out immediately.

 

 

 

 

Murthac, didn't you just say last year that pulling the troops out early would result in a civil war, and ultimately an international disaster?

 

 

 

 

Listen Red Riding Hood, I've been to Iraq since then, and I've talked to the commanders on the ground.

 

 

 

 

And of course, they told you there's no way we can defeat the insurgents.

 

 

 

 

No, they say they're confident we can defeat the insurgents - actually, they call them terrorists, but they say we're winning.

 

 

 

 

But, you know, that's what they're supposed to say. I could tell they didn't really mean it.

 

 

 

 

YESSSSS!

 

 

 

 

I hold in my hand the last envelope.

 

 

 

 

Yaaaaaay!

 

 

 

 

May you be stranded on a desert island with Nancy Pelosi and Carl Levin.

 

 

 

 

The envelope.

 

 

 

 

I'm not going to provide any specifics about the Democratic agenda until 2006, because we right now we don't control the House, the Senate or the White House.

 

 

 

 

Uh, Murthac...

 

 

 

 

I will now open the envelope.

 

 

 

 

Murthac...

 

 

 

 

What is another way of saying you really don't have an agenda?

 

 

 

 

I really wish we'd skipped that one.

 

 

 

 

Law & Order SMU (Special Mayberry Unit)

In the criminal justice system, there are two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the attorneys, who prosecute the offenders.

The first half of our show follows law enforcement officials as they investigate crimes and apprehend suspects, sometimes with surprising results.

Chung-chung! [Law & Order sound]

Otis, what are you doin' in that cell?

 

 

 

Sorry, Andy, I had a little too much to drink, so I locked myself up.

 

 

 

Now, Otis, I told you, you can't keep comin' in here drunk every weekend.

 

 

 

He told you, Otis, you can't keep comin' in here drunk every weekend.

 

 

 

I can handle this, Barney.

 

 

 

I'm just tryin' to help, Andy.

 

 

 

Well, I don't need your help right now.

 

 

 

I'm real sorry, Andy.

 

 

 

He's real sorry, Andy.

 

 

 

Barney!

 

 

In the second half, the focus shifts to the criminal court system, where the case is resolved as it works its way through a complicated justice system.

Chung-chung!

 

 

Well, I'm sorry, Otis, but a night in jail just ain't enough this time. I'm gonna have to fine you five dollars.

 

 

 

Five dollars?!? That's a lotta money, Andy.

 

 

 

Five dollars is a lotta money, Andy.

 

 

 

Would you hush up, Barney?

 

 

 

Otis, I don't like doin' this, but the law's the law.

 

 

 

You heard him, Otis. The law's the law.

 

 

 

Barney!

 

 

 

I ain't got five dollars right now, Andy. Can I pay you in a couple of weeks?

 

 

 

Wellll...

 

 

 

You know I'm good for it, Andy.

 

 

 

You know he's good for it, Andy.

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

Sorry, Andy.

 

 

 

Well, I don't suppose a couple of weeks would hurt.

 

 

 

Thanks, Andy.

 

 

 

You're welcome.

 

 

 

Well, guess that about wraps her up, huh?

 

 

 

Yup.

 

 

 

Yyyyyyeaaah.

 

 

 

Mmmm-hmmm.

 

 

 

Burrrp!

Chung-chung!

Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Law & Order SMU.

 

JFW Media (Formerly WuzzaDem Media) Launch Party

Well, the big kickoff bash for my new venture went pretty well, if I do say so myself. And I do. You know, say so myself, I mean.

Some of my new affiliates and editorial board members were there.

 

Katrina, what's up? Having a good time?

 

F*ck off, nazi!

 

Glad to hear it. Hey, have you tried those nachos?

 

For me, Mexican cuisine always brings to mind the great John Dos Passos, who, in his great trilogy USA, said, "America our nation has been beaten by strangers..."

 

Yeah, that's what I think of whenever I have nachos. Listen, did you get that contract signed?

 

I'm not signing anything until I meet this "partner" of yours. What kind of name is Stick Figure, anyway?

 

I'll have to get back to you, his schedule is really crazy right now.

 

You know what's crazy? That Bush thinks no one will notice that his tax cuts only went to the wealthiest 1% of...

 

Yeah, yeah, let's do lunch sometime.

What a psycho.

Alan, can I get you a drink?

 

 

I suppose you're going to say conservatives never drink, right?

 

I didn't say that. There are plenty of conservatives who drink...

 

And yet, you claim to have some kind of monopoly on morals and family values.

 

Hey, take it down a notch, man - enjoy the party. I think it's going pretty well, don't you?

 

I'll have plenty to say about that after the break.

 

What are you talking about? There's no break.

 

Oh, uh...are you sure we're not up against a hard break?

 

Of course I'm sure - we're not on television. So, what did you want to say?

 

Oh...no break. Well, um...I have to go to the can.

 

Whatever, dude.

Oh, crap, here he comes - he knows I saw him, too. Maybe I can get away if I...

 

 

John. Hey, John!

 

Oh, hey, Glenn! How's it going?

 

Why you never answer my e-mail, I mean e-mail, man?

 

How many drinks have you had?

 

Yeah, me too.

 

Uh-huh.

 

So, what's with the e-mail I never answered? I mean, you never answered.

 

Sorry, man, I just get so much e-mail, and I've got this new spam blocker that automatically deletes anything with the word penis in it.

 

Oh, right...wait, I never said penis.

 

You did just now.

 

Oh, wow, I guess I did. I'm really sorry, man.

 

That's OK, I'll let it slide - geez, look at the time, I better...

 

Now I rember what I wuz gonna say - I mean, what I wuz gonna say. You need 'nother editor?

 

Yeah, I do, but I'm really busy right now. Why don't you send me an e-mail first thing tomorrow and we'll talk, OK?

 

Right. No penis!

 

What? Oh, right, no penis in the e-mail. I'll see you later.

 

I sure do.

What the hell was I thinking going into business with these people? I've got to find a way to get out of this.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

 

At BASF, we don't make the computer.

 

 

 

We don't make the motorcycle.

 

 

 

We don't make the bridge.

 

 

Come to think of it, we don't really make anything.

Maybe that's why we had such a crappy third quarter. You know, I haven't crunched the numbers yet, but I'm guessing Q4's not going to be very good, either.

Our business model sucks. Guess we should have a meeting or something.

 

I Am The Undisputed King of Typpos

Noticed one in a post on the front page, fixed it right up.

So, it looks like I'm also the king of correcting typos.

Oh yeah! How you like me now, bi-atches?

Tuesday Caption Contest!

Caption this photo - there are hundreds of possibilities!

Winners will be announced...

 

Oh, who am I kidding? A caption contest?? A Tuesday caption contest? How lame is that?

All right, I admit it - I'm out of ideas.

I guess this is it. It was fun while it lasted, but it's over.

We had a few laughs though, didn't we? Hey, remember that post about...no, that wasn't really funny.

What about the post...no, I stole that idea from someone else.

Well, I had some laughs anyway. Wait, I just remembered, I had those laughs when I was reading someone else's blog.

Man, I just wasted a year of my life.

 

UPDATE: I'm not quitting, I'm just out of ideas, so posts here will be crappier than usual from now on.

UPDATE II: I just figured out how to breathe some life into this blog - I'm going to invite David Corn, Marc Cooper, Brad Friedman and Max Sawicky to post here.

I'm afraid I've been too 'partisan', and that's really not fair to my readers, is it? *cough*bullshit*cough*

The Comic Book Guy Interviews Mary Mapes

Mary Mapes, it is an honor to have the opportunity to speak with you.

 

 

 

 

 

Why, thank you very much.

 

 

 

 

 

I see you are unfamiliar with the concept of sarcasm.

 

 

 

 

 

What???

 

 

 

 

 

Now that we have dispensed with the formalities, let us move on to the question and answer portion of this prearranged interview.

 

 

 

 

 

Mary Mapes, are you a liberal?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I'm not sure what a liberal is. I can tell you, my 8-year-old son thinks he's being raised by the most conservative parents in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

Fascinating. Perhaps at some later date I can chat with your 8-year-old son at length. In the meantime, I was actually hoping for a direct answer to my question.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know. I'm liberal on some things. I'm conservative on some things.

 

 

 

 

 

I see. I will put you down for the standard answer given by liberals who are attempting to be evasive about their political affiliation.

 

 

 

 

 

That's not what I...

 

 

 

 

 

Now, regarding those infamous counterfeit "Texas Air National Guard" documents...

 

 

 

 

 

Those documents are a valuable component of a very important story.

 

 

 

 

 

Valuable, you say? Let me show you something.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a Snagglepuss animation cel, drawn by Hic Hiesler. It is worth something.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a facsimile of a third-generation copy of blatant forgery, which was obviously created using Microsoft Word. Unfortunately for you, it is worth nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

And this is a compilation of lies, distortions and ad hominem attacks. It is in my opinion worthless, yet it is apparently being offered for sale for $16.47, plus shipping and handling, through Amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll take that criticism for what it's worth, since I'm a published author and you run a comic book store.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh dear, it appears the witty barbs emanating from your general direction have nearly broken my skin. I may have to purchase some Bactine if this continues much longer.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I don't care for your tone, and besides, it's not up to me to prove the documents are genuine, someone has to prove to me that they're not, and no one's been able to do that to my satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

The documents themselves are irrelevant, anyway, because the underlying story is true.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, the fake but accurate school of journalism. I wonder, is there a Klingon word for bullshit?

 

 

 

 

 

Ah, yes; Klabdak. That's the word I was looking for.

 

 

 

 

 

Klabdak.

 

 

 

 

 

Say what you like, the story is still true.

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, you were fired from CBS.

 

 

 

 

 

That was a very dark time. Friendships were destroyed, trust was abandoned and it was like having a little, mini witch hunt within the corporation.

 

 

 

 

 

How very dramatic. I envision a made-for-TV movie in which that lovely girl from the Immodium commercials plays the part of a persecuted Mary Mapes, perservering against dogmatic media executives whose archaic rules include making sure so-called 'news' stories contain some modicum of truth.

 

 

 

 

 

OK smart guy, can you prove the story isn't true?

 

 

 

 

 

Your answers have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.

 

 

 

 

 

You're being sarcastic again.

 

 

 

 

 

Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city!

 

 

 

 

 

That's it, this interview is over.

 

 

 

 

 

Fine. If you will be so good as to vacate the premises, I will return to the business of selling comic books to small children. Frankly, I now have a much greater appreciation for their level of maturity and decorum.

 

 

 

 

 

Listen, I want to...

 

 

 

 

 

No, you may not use the bathroom. The bathroom is for paying customers only.

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn't going to ask to use your bathroom!

 

 

 

 

 

Fine, then I will thank you to make like my pants and split.

 

 

 

 

 

You #@*&%!

 

 

 

 

 

Worst. Interview. Ever.

 

Baked Potato With Sour Cream And Chives Goes To Washington

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow! I don't know about you, but I'm impressed. Just look at what Baked Potato With Sour Cream and Chives has accomplished in a relatively short period of time in Washington:

• Hasn't kissed the ass of either Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi (although, technically, he can't kiss anyone's ass, since he doesn't have lips, but right about now I'm thinking that's a plus)
• Hasn't suddenly reversed his position or capitulated on on an issue he and others have been working on for years (or even decades), and which he'd repeatedly said was an important issue. So, at least Baked Potato With Sour Cream and Chives hasn't left me wondering why the f*ck I've been supporting such an issue, and arguing with people about it until I'm blue in the face, only to see him bend over (although, technically, he can't actually bend over, but right about now I'm thinking that's a plus) for the Democrats and RINOS
• Hasn't taken any money from George Soros.

I suppose this list is really more indicative of what Baked Potato With Sour Cream and Chives has not done in the brief time he's been in Washington, but right now I'd gladly take inaction over idiocy.

 

 

 

"Come on, Baked Potato With Sour Cream
and Chives, what's one more compromise?"

 

Save your breath, Hastert - Baked Potato With Sour Cream and Chives ain't talkin'.

 

Don't miss the exciting sequel, Dog Crap With Grass and Twigs Smashed Into the Bottom of Someone's Shoe Goes to Washington.

"Big Oil" Goes To Washington

ExxonMobil Chairman Lee Raymond today, as he and four other petroleum industry executives appeared before the Senate to answer questions about their companies' profits:

 

 

 

 

A little later:

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, Mr. Raymond, would you mind putting your hand down?

 

 

 

 

Great. Can you scoot back just a little so I can get that light just right behind you?

 

 

 

 

Excellent. Now, can you be a dear and turn your head to the right just a bit?

 

 

 

 

Perfect!

 

 

 

 

 

OIL Company Execs Defend HUGE PROFITS

 

Hubris: Let's put HUGE into perspective, shall we?

 

Scott McClellan's Out - Mr. Stick Figure's In

As you all know, Scott McClellan submitted his resignation today. I want to thank Scott for his hard work and dedication, and wish him the best of luck.

 

 

 

 

It's my pleasure to appoint as Press Secretary Mr. Stick Figure. He's well informed, he speaks his mind, and I'm sure you'll all enjoy working with him. Stick?

 

 

 

 

Thanks, boss. You heard the man - Mumbly McMushmouth is history, so let's get this show on the road. Let's hear from...

 

 

 

 

You...Four-eyes.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

Not you, the other four-eyes.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

What did I just say? Yes, you!

 

 

 

 

Oh, OK, I was just going to, um, I mean, I wanted to say, I mean to ask that, um...

 

 

 

 

Holy crap - spit it out, already!

 

 

 

 

Oh, sorry. Um, as you know...

 

 

 

 

OK, let's get one thing straight - any question beginning with the phrase "As you know" is a waste of my freaking time, because if I already know, I don't need you to remind me. Sound like a plan?

 

 

 

 

I guess so. So, um, then I guess what I should say is, um...

 

 

 

 

All right, time's up, Zippy. We've only got three years left in this administration, and something tells me you need more time than that to formulate a complete sentence. Let's go to Mr. Pink-Shirt over here on the right.

 

 

 

 

Stick Figure, do you think Scott McClellan should have admitted he was wrong when he said that...

 

 

 

 

Again with this?? What are you, obsessed with the guy?

 

 

 

 

I think it's a reasonable question, after all, he was the press secretary for this administration, and he stated emphatically that...

 

 

 

 

The key word being was, OK? By now, he's probably working at the local Starbucks, so how about you head over there, grab a latte, and the two of you can continue your little domestic squabble over some banana nut loaf, huh?

 

 

 

 

You're avoiding the question, and the American people aren't going to stand for...

 

 

 

 

Whoa! Hold up a second there, sparky. In case you haven't noticed, there's a new sheriff in town, and he's not taking any crap from the peanut gallery.

 

 

 

 

But I asked a question, and I think you have a responsibility to...

 

 

 

 

Responsibility? Let's just review here - me, presidential appointee; you, Brian Williams office-boy. Now, despite the obvious difference in our social standings, I'm still willing to let you come in here and hang out with these other losers, but you're gonna have to mind your p's and q's, so pipe down, already.

 

 

 

 

That's not...

 

 

 

 

Next! Let's hear from Lurch, down here in front.

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

The next person who asks that is out on his ass - yes, you!

 

 

 

 

This is nuts, you can't talk to...

 

 

 

 

Hey, Porny McSleazemouth, I heard about you and your "sloppy seconds" comment, so get this straight - I don't want to hear you talking about nuts, or any other body parts for that matter, got it?

 

 

 

 

But, but...

 

 

 

 

Again with the body parts! OK, I warned you, now you're sitting this one out.

 

 

 

 

Oldie McFartson, what've you got for me?

 

 

 

 

I've reviewed six different polls on issues ranging from the public's opinion on...

 

 

 

 

Can you believe this guy? He's actually reading from a script.

 

 

 

 

...demographic studies, many of which concur that...

 

 

 

 

Does he think he's running for office or something?

 

 

 

 

Now, taking into consideration the economic disparity between many...

 

 

 

 

I'm just going to let him talk. Chrome Dome, you're up!

 

 

 

 

Mr. Stick Figure, as you know...

 

 

 

 

What did I say about that? Somebody grab this loser's press pass give him the heave-ho.

 

 

 

 

Hairpiece! What's on your mind?

 

 

 

 

I don't wear a hairpiece!

 

 

 

 

Maybe you should give it some thought.

 

 

 

 

Why would I do that?

 

 

 

 

I don't have time for small talk right now - what's your question?

 

 

 

 

Well, I just have to say that, in view of your conduct here today, there's no way I can vouch for you.

 

 

 

 

Well, I don't remember asking you to vouch for me...

 

 

 

 

I'm serious, I can't carry your water.

 

 

 

 

Carry my water? What does that mean?

 

 

 

 

You're being downright condescending. I'm a reporter for ABC, you know.

 

 

 

 

That's just one of the reasons I would never ask you to vouch for me.

 

 

 

 

I've filled in for Koppel on Nightline!

 

 

 

 

That's it, get it all out. Confession is good for the soul. Oh, I forgot - you're a reporter for ABC. Well, confession's probably good for you, anyway.

 

 

 

 

I don't have to take this from you!

 

 

 

 

BOR-ing! You, in the back - take your best shot.

 

 

 

 

Wouldn't you agree that the president...

 

 

 

 

Wouldn't you agree that the president.

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, wouldn't you...

 

 

 

 

Excuse me, wouldn't you.

 

 

 

 

What are you doing?

 

 

 

 

What are you doing?

 

 

 

 

Are you playing some kind of game?

 

 

 

 

No, I'm demonstrating the fine art of verbatim quoting. You bozos should try it some time.

 

 

 

 

All right, show's over, kids. Move along, nothing to see here.

 

 

 

 

I can't believe I made so many new friends in one day. I think I'm going to like this gig.

Upon hearing the news of McClellan's resignation, Bill O'Reilly goes to IHOP

See also: Mr. Stick Figure: INXS

 

This Post Edited For Profanity

I tried to publish this post, but by the time I was done editing out the profanity it was unintelligible.

I'm sure you know who it was directed at and what it was supposed to say, so I won't bother typing it out.

 

(All right, so I'm not quite "back")

Closed Posting Session

Sorry, but you've all pissed me off, so this post is closed to the public.

 

Maybe you'll find out what was in the post later.

Then again, maybe you won't.