The Comic Book Guy Interviews Mary Mapes

Mary Mapes, it is an honor to have the opportunity to speak with you.

 

 

 

 

 

Why, thank you very much.

 

 

 

 

 

I see you are unfamiliar with the concept of sarcasm.

 

 

 

 

 

What???

 

 

 

 

 

Now that we have dispensed with the formalities, let us move on to the question and answer portion of this prearranged interview.

 

 

 

 

 

Mary Mapes, are you a liberal?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I'm not sure what a liberal is. I can tell you, my 8-year-old son thinks he's being raised by the most conservative parents in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

Fascinating. Perhaps at some later date I can chat with your 8-year-old son at length. In the meantime, I was actually hoping for a direct answer to my question.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know. I'm liberal on some things. I'm conservative on some things.

 

 

 

 

 

I see. I will put you down for the standard answer given by liberals who are attempting to be evasive about their political affiliation.

 

 

 

 

 

That's not what I...

 

 

 

 

 

Now, regarding those infamous counterfeit "Texas Air National Guard" documents...

 

 

 

 

 

Those documents are a valuable component of a very important story.

 

 

 

 

 

Valuable, you say? Let me show you something.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a Snagglepuss animation cel, drawn by Hic Hiesler. It is worth something.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a facsimile of a third-generation copy of blatant forgery, which was obviously created using Microsoft Word. Unfortunately for you, it is worth nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

And this is a compilation of lies, distortions and ad hominem attacks. It is in my opinion worthless, yet it is apparently being offered for sale for $16.47, plus shipping and handling, through Amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll take that criticism for what it's worth, since I'm a published author and you run a comic book store.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh dear, it appears the witty barbs emanating from your general direction have nearly broken my skin. I may have to purchase some Bactine if this continues much longer.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I don't care for your tone, and besides, it's not up to me to prove the documents are genuine, someone has to prove to me that they're not, and no one's been able to do that to my satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

The documents themselves are irrelevant, anyway, because the underlying story is true.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, the fake but accurate school of journalism. I wonder, is there a Klingon word for bullshit?

 

 

 

 

 

Ah, yes; Klabdak. That's the word I was looking for.

 

 

 

 

 

Klabdak.

 

 

 

 

 

Say what you like, the story is still true.

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, you were fired from CBS.

 

 

 

 

 

That was a very dark time. Friendships were destroyed, trust was abandoned and it was like having a little, mini witch hunt within the corporation.

 

 

 

 

 

How very dramatic. I envision a made-for-TV movie in which that lovely girl from the Immodium commercials plays the part of a persecuted Mary Mapes, perservering against dogmatic media executives whose archaic rules include making sure so-called 'news' stories contain some modicum of truth.

 

 

 

 

 

OK smart guy, can you prove the story isn't true?

 

 

 

 

 

Your answers have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.

 

 

 

 

 

You're being sarcastic again.

 

 

 

 

 

Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city!

 

 

 

 

 

That's it, this interview is over.

 

 

 

 

 

Fine. If you will be so good as to vacate the premises, I will return to the business of selling comic books to small children. Frankly, I now have a much greater appreciation for their level of maturity and decorum.

 

 

 

 

 

Listen, I want to...

 

 

 

 

 

No, you may not use the bathroom. The bathroom is for paying customers only.

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn't going to ask to use your bathroom!

 

 

 

 

 

Fine, then I will thank you to make like my pants and split.

 

 

 

 

 

You #@*&%!

 

 

 

 

 

Worst. Interview. Ever.

 

Comments

[Beck]

This line:

Oh dear, it appears the witty barbs emanating from from your general direction have nearly broken my skin. I may have to purchase some Bactine if this continues much longer.

is pure genius. The rest is good too.

[AnonymousDrivel]

Best. Review. Ever.

If her interview responses are any indication of her catalogued ones, I'll be amazed if she is able to pawn off that outhouse kleenex of a Sears.

Doesn't know if she's liberal; doesn't know if she's a registered Democrat; doesn't find the timing of story's release curious; reporting the TANG story was analogous to covering a local dogcatcher's travails; doesn't think proving a story is part of journalistic obligation.

Stunning exposé whether by accident, design, or delusion. She was a "top-notch" industry producer for how long?! Hmm. Is there some DNA test equivalent we can apply to her historical reportage to confirm the veracity of her body of work? I wonder how many reputations were killed due to her poor (and that's being gracious) methodology...

Well kudos to Comic Book Guy for cutting through the spin. He deserves an extra wheelbarrow full of "Dr. Who" tacos.

[Klabdak]

This is your best piece of work yet. Keep it up. Absolutely hilarious.

[Damian G.]

LOVED the animation cel reference.

Best. Post. Ever!

[LargeBill]

Comic Book Guy bitch-slapped that bitch.

[Randyman]

Please....more Comic Book Guy interviews!! That was awesome!
Make him interview Bill O'Reilly, Ted Kennedy and Cindy Sheehan.

[Bush Sucks]

Bush still lied us into war with Iraq.

He also still stole the 2000 election.

He and his supporters are still inbred redneck trash.

[Bruce]

Hey, Bush Sucks, you're still peddling a lie.

[Kevin]

As I read that, I could HEAR the guy speaking as he does on The Simpsons!

Funny stuff.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Come on, Bruce, I don't think we should be discouraging "Bush Sucks", after all, it's not like he's recycling shallow left-wing platitudes. He's obviously put a lot of time and effort into this thesis of his, and I think it only fair that we take sufficient time to analyze his conclusions.

Let's see, here...Bush lied...Stole the election...Inbred redneck trash...OK, I'm done - he's an idiot.

That went a lot quicker than I thought it would.

[Brian B]

Yeah, what Kevin said. I could HEAR the whole thing. Well done.

[marc]

wow. bactine! what a reference.

[Al]

Let break this down for you "Bush Sucks"( I'll make this simple for you since you don't seem that bright).
•"Bush still lied us into war with Iraq." You are uninformed, read the Senate Itelligence committee's findings.
•"He also still stole the 2000 election." Stop listening to liberal talking points and read Gore didn't want to count all votes only the undervotes and he wanted the rules for counting them to change to help him
•"He and his supporters are still inbred redneck trash." I'm a native NYer not a redneck, your statement is another example of the ever tolerant left.

[Dodger]

JfWD
Good example. I find that when faced with a large task, if you break it down into smaller ones, it goes much quicker. As you have clearly shown.

[Sharp as a Marble]

OK. I admit it. I read this out loud as I can do a decent imitation of that guy. It's just as funny.

I don't know what Mary sounds like, so I went for "ran Drescher" with a cold.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Damn, I wish I could hear that.

BTW, Mary sounds like a very bitter person who's wound a little too tightly, and who may at any moment go on a post-office-style shooting spree.

Hope that helps with the impression.

[Sharp as a Marble]

As a former Postal worker (and former Marine. Talk about bad combos), I think it does.

Now that I reread it, I think I'm migrating more towards sounding like Bill Murray in caddy shack than the cartoon guy. Still sounds funny.

You should hear my Bullwinkle impression.

[AnonymousDrivel]

RE: Bush Sucks (Nov 14, 2005 4:51:48 PM)

Bush still lied us into war with Iraq.

Sorry BS. I think you mispelled "led" here. Otherwise I agree. Bush, as CiC, guided this country through very troubling times as is his perogative and obligation. Good to see you recognize his leadership.

He also still stole the 2000 election.

I think you're mistaken here, too. Politicians buy elections these days. There's no need to steal 'em. Persnickitty I know, but let's keep the historical record clean, shall we?

He and his supporters are still inbred redneck trash.

I guess that means your days numbered since that population demographic outnumbers the alternative ilk; however, methinks thou dost protest too much. Nevertheless, get your rod ready, visit 'round the Cahulawassee (the one near Aintry) fer some outdoor fun, and have a ball. Might be right up your alley if'n your open minded.

Might be right up your alley if'n your open minded.

*ahem*

I believe that should be, "if'n yer open minded."

[AnonymousDrivel]

Yes "",

I left my Hillbilly English::Cityfolk English Dictionary 3rd Ed. on the porch and was too lazy to git up'n get it. Or is that "git it"? Never done too well in them thar spelling contests.

[aubrey]

Re Bush Sucks: I respected liberals more when they were anti-prejudice. What happened? Bigotry rules?

[Knemon]

Aintry?

This river don't go to Aintry! You boys is on the wrong river!

[Bush Sucks]

Liberals screwed up when they started tolerating stupid people. Once upon a time, in America, someone like Bush wouldn't have been elected dog catcher, much less POTUS.

Oh yeah, he wasn't really elected. My bad.

Rednecks would die out without US-style welfare (Military, wal-mart). When the federal government goes bankrupt, and wal-mart replaces them with vending machines, rednecks will die out.

Iraq is creating an army of Tim Mcveighs. Hopefully, an Iraqi Tet offensive will wipe most of them out before they come home and start a crime wave.

Bye, trash.

[Bush Sucks]

PS: This blog is not funny. Good riddance, losers.

[Sortelli]

Oh, burn.

[Sortelli]

Hopefully, an Iraqi Tet offensive will wipe most of them out before they come home and start a crime wave.

Oh, and PS, he supports the troops.

[Pixy Misa]

I wonder if he knows that the Tet Offensive was a military disaster for the North Vietnamese?

Unlikely.

[AnonymousDrivel]

BS,

It took ~21 minutes to think of that PS? What, synaptic gaps too wide? Acetycholine levels plumment? Acetycholinesterase hyperactive? Hmm. Remember what we discussed re inbreeding and "protest[ing] too much"? Methinks though hast inherited a bad gene, and we ain't talkin' hand-me-down denim.

At any rate Comic Book Guy promised to lend me Bactine, so I'm covered should you offer serious, skin-poking barbs.

[Tongueboy]

When the federal government goes bankrupt, and wal-mart replaces them with vending machines, rednecks will die out.

I-am-a-redneck-vending-machine. Please-insert-paper-money-($1-or-$5-bills-only,-please)-or-coins. Please-choose-from-the-following-selections:

Slim-Jim-Jumbo-Pack: Don't-let-your-huntin'-buddies-pull-your-finger-after-you're-done-chowin'-these-tasty-treats-ha-ha

Red-Wing-Boot-Inserts: You'll-need-these-while-dragging-that-10-point-buck-back-to-your-K3000-King-Cab

Busch-Light-40-ouncer: What's-a-Bambi-killin'-spree-without-some-slight-inebriation? Hell! That's-what-it-is

Sam's-Choice-Cola: You-still-drinkin'-that-city-cola?

Dr.-Thunder: Too-many-Slim-Jim's? Git-er-done!

[lauraw]

HAH!
Awesome John.
And; Can you believe how nervy this Mapes is??

Put yourself in her shoes for two seconds. She is accustomed to sneaking stuff under the radar and never getting called on it.

This has been going on for years, for so long she no longer believes there's anything wrong with it.

In fact, she believes its the PUBLIC's job to disprove her bullshit. Not HER job to NOT LIE.

If I were caught in such a ridiculous lie, and lost my job because I tried to foist these forgeries on the public (inbred rednecks who somehow were smarter than I thought they were and saw through my ridiculous ruse), I'd just die of embarrassment and never be seen or heard from again.

My life would be over.

But no, not Mapes: she writes a book and gives interviews! Unbelievable.

I'd like to see more of this. '06 and '08 will be in the bag.

[Dave]

Great job, John. I really enjoyed the interaction between a real person and a cartoon character. I would never have thought you could make Mapes sound like a real person.

On another note, I think commenter BS Boy has been overdosing on cartoons. Don't know if his physical age is actually as young as his maturity level reveals or not. In a way, I hope so. I would hate to think that an adult would be that divorced from reality. And I certainly hope there are not very many actual adults who seriously hope that our soldiers are killed before they can come home. That was a really screwed up thing to say and I hope it rolls back at him some day. If the little dipstick is still lurking, though, I'd like to point out to him that the bulk of "federal welfare" does not go to the red states - it's happy sitting right there in blue heaven.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Liberals screwed up when they started tolerating stupid people.

Why drag Howard Dean into this?

I wonder if he knows that the Tet Offensive was a military disaster for the North Vietnamese?

Unlikely.

Pixy Misa - it's even less likely he knows that the real impact the Tet offensive had on the Vietnam war was that it was used by the press here in the U.S. to influence public opinion about the war.

BTW, "BS" has been banned. I can tolerate idiots (to a certain extent), but not when they start "supporting the troops" (as Sortelli notes) by wishing them dead.
----------------
BS - I'd love to see you meet a plane carrying some of those "rednecks" returning from Iraq so you could share your feelings with them - in fact, I'd pay good money to see that - but that would take balls, wouldn't it?

[MacStansbury]

is there a point in arguing with these clowns anymore? really?

totally pointless. let 'em live their lives, stuck away in some basement somewhere with a wall full of thumbtacks and pictures of world leaders, pointing to the conspiracy with the Pope, the Queen, President Bush, the Saudi old barons, and Col. Sanders....

cause you know it's all an evil plot to addict us to those 11 herbs and spices....

um...uh...and Bush Sucks!!!! Yeah!!!!! anybody but Bush in '08! let's vote him out of office! and so on...

[Malcontent]

Dang, and I thought MY take on Mary Mapes was funny.

[John from WuzzaDem]

MacStansbury - Right on.

Malcontent - SWOT. Heh. You must know that guy in the office who wants to do a SWOT analysis whenever he's out of ideas.

lauraw - You know what it takes to be Mary Mapes? It takes brass...Never mind.

[le]

Mr. BS:
Worst. Comment. Ever.
le

I've got to fact-check you, John. I can't find 'Klabdak' anywhere in my Klingon-English dictionary. Of course, I'm using a 1985 edition, so it may be out of date. What's your source?

[John]

I've got to fact-check you, John. I can't find 'Klabdak' anywhere in my Klingon-English dictionary. Of course, I'm using a 1985 edition, so it may be out of date. What's your source?

[John from WuzzaDem]

John,

I've got the wa'SaD Hutvatlh HutmaH jav edition.

Pony up some cash and get with the times, already.

[Dave]

haha

best. site. ever.

[Karridine]

I owe my blogging fame to Mary, for it was Mark Steyn who published my snarky song, "Mary Mapes Ate Sour Grapes" on his website.

She didn't EAT there, Mark pub-

Oh, never mind.

[randy.B]

I know this is an old comment thread but here's another good laugh:

http://www.truthandduty.com/newsappearances.htm

Her National Truth Tour lasted four whole days in '05. Not much market for klabdak on the blue planet I guess.