WuzzaDem

The Games Dems Play (Mrs. R.)

While George Bush and members of his administration keep their noses to the grindstone, Dems are having a good ol' time. Instead of crafting policy, or working on solutions to the social and economic problems Americans are facing, Democrats are too busy developing recreational games which free liberals from such wearisome toil. After all, why should Democrats lift a finger to help when they can stick it to Bush and the Republicans by goofing off on the sidelines? What kind of games are Democrats playing? Here are a few of the most popular titles:

The Indictment Game See how many Republican ham sandwiches you can indict before one sticks. Cheez Whiz required.

The Evangelists Are a Different Species Game Players take turns talking smack about evangelical Christians. Any player who even hints that born-agains belong to the same specie as humans is subject to a mock crucifixion, each verbal blunder warranting another nail. The last player standing wins the game. Note: Disdain for Christianity and/or the Judeo-Christian ethic not required but a definite advantage.

The Smear Bush Nominees/Appointees Game The more Bush nominees and appointees you can wedgie, the more Borks you score. The player with the most Borks at the end of Bush's second term wins. So much fun, even some college edgy-cated conservatives will want to get in on this action!

The Filibuster Game As a minority in the Senate, see how many temper tantrums you can throw, and how long you can sustain them, without getting nuked. Surround yourself with seven weak-kneed Republican senators and victory is yours! A game of strategy. Multitasking skills required.

The 'Iraq War is a Quagmire' Nostalgia Game Relive the '60s in this fantasy role-playing game. The more parallels between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War you can fabricate, the more peace symbols you acquire. Score double the number of peace symbols if you can spit on a U.S. soldier and convince him/her that it falleth like the gentle rain. The player who fills his/her fringed, suede shoulder bag with peace symbols first wins.

The Let's Starve/Dehydrate a Severely Disabled Woman to Death Based on Nothing More Than Suspect Hearsay Evidence from Her Two-Timing Husband Game Set at least two weeks aside to engage in this groundbreaking social experiment/game. For players of all political persuasions. Anyone who can get a good night's sleep after this gut-wrenching fun is a big winner!

The Turn Howard Dean Loose Game Just wind up your Deaniator doll and watch it rip into any and all Republicans in its path. The player whose doll has the most ankle meat stuck between in its teeth wins!

The 'Who Says You Can't Win by Being a Sore Loser?' Game When unregistered voters, felons, and dead Democrats (voting two and three times in an election) don't get the results you're looking for, find new, innovative ways to stuff the ballot box while accusing Republicans of fixing elections. Extra points to players who can wrangle a recount or disqualify overseas absentee military ballots. The player with the most points come November '06 wins.

The Cindy Sheehan is the Second Coming Game Any player who can muffle Mother Sheehan's verbal assaults against Hillary Clinton without dulling the shine on this Gold Star Mom wins a copy of the new Joan Baez CD.

 

Ted Koppel Keepin' It Real

A question for the Bush administration: Is there anything more distracting than having one of your key advisors indicted? Off the top of my head, I can't think of anything.

And what about bird flu? How does such a disease make the jump from animal to human? The question paints a disturbing picture, leaving some scratching their heads in search of an answer.

But as you sit looking at my face on your television screen, I know what you must be thinking. You're worried about the rising cost of gasoline.

So what is one to do? After all, it's not as though gallons of gasoline are nuts that can be stored away for the winter.

But should you do so, please remember that gas it highly flammable, so please keep it away from lit cigarettes, open flames or water heaters. In the Koppel home, we're very careful with anything that catches fire easily. Just sort of a phobia of mine.

A Holiday Message For Our Friends On The Left (John from WuzzaDem)

 

2008: Better Get This Party Started (Mrs. R. at AYC)

Obviously, Hillary's campaign for the White House is well underway (when hasn't it been?)....

So, what the hell are we waiting for? 2007?

I'd be happy with either one of these...

 

Mr. Stick Figure: Chilling Free Speech Or Keepin' It Real?(John from WuzzaDem)

Issue one: Poll faulting! This week, President Bush's approval numbers...

 

 

 

 

Ah, excuse me, Mr. McBlowhard, what do you think you're doing?

 

 

 

 

It appears I'm part of what is colloquially referred to as a 'bit'.

 

 

 

 

A bit? Then why aren't you...

 

 

 

 

As in satire: The age-old art of holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn through the use of a literary work, or, in this case, pictures.

 

 

 

 

I know what satire is, you nimrod! I was trying to ask why you aren't talking about Harriet Miers.

 

 

 

 

That's scheduled for 'Issue 3' this week, first I wanted to delve into the controversy swirling around...

 

 

 

 

Yeah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Listen, if you're not hopping mad at someone about the Miers brouhaha, then no one wants to hear what you have to say, so take off.

 

 

 

 

Are you telling me that issues of import concerning...

 

 

 

 

Here's an interesting fact: "Take off" is not a 'colloqiualism' for "Please do blather on endlessly about some boring sh*t that's of interest to no one but you."

 

 

 

 

I just want to go on record as saying...

 

 

 

 

Are you still here?? Hit the road, egghead!

 

 

 

 

Do you believe that guy?

 

 

 

 

Folks, Joe Scarborough here with breaking news, the grand jury investigating the CIA leak case has just returned indictments on...

 

 

 

 

Hey, raccoon eyes! What's your deal?

 

 

 

 

I'm reading breaking news on the CIA leak investigation. The grand jury just indicted...

 

 

 

 

Did they indict Hariet Miers?

 

 

 

 

Well, no, of course they didn't.

 

 

 

 

Did they clear Harriet Miers?

 

 

 

 

No, Harriet Miers was never a target of the investigation.

 

 

 

 

Do you have a comment from Harriet Miers?

 

 

 

 

A comment from Harriet Miers?? No, I just...

 

 

 

 

Then nobody cares!

 

 

 

 

But this is a...

 

 

 

 

I SAID, NOBODY CARES!

 

 

 

 

Ah tell you somthin' 'bout Harriet Miers.

 

 

 

 

Finally! OK, go ahead.

 

 

 

 

You ever see them ol' washin' boards people used to wash their clothes with?

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I've seen those.

 

 

 

 

I 'member those from when ah wuz jus' a little squirt. My momma, bless her heart, she'd spend hours just scrubbin' and scrubbin' and scrubbin' clothes on one o' them ol' washboards, you know.

 

 

 

 

Right, right.

 

 

 

 

She'd scrub them clothes so hard, her hands would just swell up. She'd have big ol' sore hands, big giant knuckles, and she used that one arm so much, she had herself a forearm like Popeye, 'cept without the tattoo, but I never once heard her complain.

 

 

 

 

OK, I think I see where you're going with this.

 

 

 

 

Then she'd spend hours wringin' them wet clothes out - hands all sore, wringin' them clothes, and wringin' 'em...

 

 

 

 

Ah, now I see the metaphor; hands, wringing...

 

 

 

 

Course, the clothes would be all wrinkly when they was dry, so she'd have take a hot iron to 'em.

 

 

 

 

Not really sure how that fits into the metaphor.

 

 

 

 

Now, she always did her scrubbin' with her right arm, so she'd make sure to do her ironin' with her left arm, so one didn't get bigger then the other.

 

 

 

 

Definitely lost me there.

 

 

 

 

And she'd spend hours just pushin' that ol' iron back and forth, and back and forth, and...

 

 

 

 

All right, that's enough!

 

 

 

 

Whatsa matter?

 

 

 

 

You said you had a comment about Harriet Miers, but all you're doing is boring the crap out of everyone, droning on and on about how your mother had to do laundry by hand because she didn't have a washer and dryer.

 

 

 

 

Who said she didn't have a washer and dryer?

 

 

 

 

That's it, I've had it with you - hit the bricks, chromedome!

 

 

 

 

See, you conservatives always say you're for family values, but you don't wanna hear...

 

 

 

 

I said, hit the bricks!

 

 

 

 

I swear, I'm getting one of those pounding headaches that feel like...

 

 

 

 

As you know, the ten of you were chosen as finalists for...

 

 

 

 

Hey, freak show - this better have something to do with Harriet Miers.

 

 

 

 

Harriet who?

 

 

 

 

Don't tell me you haven't been following the news about President Bush's nominee to the Supreme Court.

 

 

 

 

The supreme what?

 

 

 

 

Don't you watch the news or read the paper?

 

 

 

 

No, brother. I try not to crowd my head with too much information.

 

 

 

 

I think we may have found the next senator for the state of Louisiana.

 

 

 

 

State of what?

 

 

 

 

Actually, he might be a better fit for New Jersey.

 

 

 

 

 

Liberal Talking Points: When All Else Fails, Pick on DeLay's Nostrils (Mrs. R. at AYC)

Did you know that Tom DeLay's nostrils have gone from round to triangular?

It's true, just look at these two undoctored photos.

The photo on the left shows Congressman Delay's nostrils while leading redistricting efforts in Texas. The photo on the right, taken at the redistricting victory party, reveals a startling change in nostril shape.

This is not good news according to America's premier face reader, Rose Rosetree, author of Wrinkles are God's Makeup.

The news is so bad, in fact, that Air America's new star, Thom Hartmann, will be interviewing Ms. Rosetree next Monday (October 31st, at 1:00 p.m. ET), presumably so she can enlighten listeners on the dangers associated with politicians sporting triangular nostrils.

---

For those of you unfamiliar with Thom Hartmann's work, check out this article entitled Jefferson Would Have Stood With Cindy Sheehan

The first paragraph in this article really got me thinking....

Nationally, it was clearly a phenomenon when several truckers called into a radio show on Sirius Satellite to say that they were interrupting trips through central parts of the USA to head to Crawford, Texas. One even reported live as he experienced a (friendly) reception by the local sheriff, who helped him find a place to park his rig. Locally here in Oregon, it's not unusual to see cars with signs taped to their rear windows - printed in inch-high letters on an 8 1/2" x 11" piece of paper - that say variations on: "We're With Cindy!" or "Answer Her Questions!"

Thinking that prolonged marijuana use may not be as harmless as some would have us believe.

Cross-posted at AYC

This Coming Friday At The Matthews Home (John)

I've got to get ready to go in to the studio, honey. This is the big day!

 

 

 

How many indictments do you think are coming down, honey? Two? Three? You think there will be three? I checked the Matthews Meter the other day, they said there would be three. Can you believe that? Three!

 

 

 

Who do you think is going down, honey? That's slang for "indicted", you know. You always hear these criminal types, especially the white collar criminal types, saying that.

 

 

 

They'll say "Who's going down," or "What's he going down for," or "How long is he going down for?"

 

 

 

What? No, I'm not hanging around with criminals! I don't know, maybe I heard it in a movie.

 

 

 

Maybe it was in The Godfather. Remember that movie, honey? Man, that was a great movie. Marlon Brando.

 

 

 

Remember that line, "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes"? What a great line. Why doesn't anyone write lines like that any more? Do you think all the great lines have just been used already?

 

 

 

Maybe I can work that into my monologue on the Sunday show. "Sleeps with the fishes."

 

 

 

Can we have fish sticks for dinner tonight, honey?

 

 

 

Who do you think it'll be, honey? Libby? Do you think they'll indict Libby? What about Rove? Oh! What about Cheney? Do you think Cheney knew? Will they indict Cheney? It could happen, right?

 

 

 

What if - and this is just a theory, mind you - what if this all leads to Bush? Oh. My. God. This could lead all the way to Bush, honey. And I've been all over this story! Well, me and Keith Olbermann, but come on, that guy's a joke.

 

 

 

 

God, I'm excited! Does it show?

 

Related: No news is...well, it's no news.

More On The Photo Doctors (John - Remember Him? He Used To Post Here)

Since Michelle Malkin is all over the story of USA Today's doctored photo of Condoleeza Rice, I'd like to call your attention to another distorted image that's being passed off as authentic, because the public has a right to know.

This photo of me and my wife, taken "back in the day" when we were Democrats, has obviously been altered:

Anyone who knows me will tell you I've never been that tan.

I'm not sure who the guilty party is in this case, but Sobek is high on my list of suspects.

Wuzza on First? (Jeff H)

 Well, Lou, I've decided to start a blog.

A blog?  I heard of them; seems everybody's got one.

Yeah, I wanna share my thoughts with the world.

Now, THAT ought to be rich…

Hey, I've got a lot of great thoughts.  I'm sure lots of people will want to read them.

So, what are you gonna name your blog?

WuzzaDem.

Gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Oh, sorry.  So, what are you gonna name your blog?

WuzzaDem.

Gesundheit.

Why do you keep doing that?  I'm not sneezing.

Well, it sure sounds like it to me.  Now, what are you gonna name your blog?

I told you, I'm gonna name it…WuzzaDem.

Gesun…  Heeeeey, are you sayin' you're gonna name your blog WuzzaDem?

That's right.

Well, what kind of a crazy name is that?

It's not crazy, it's just a name.

Well, who you askin'?

What do you mean, who am I askin'?

It sounds like a question: WuzzaDem?

It's not a question.  It's just a name.

Well, who's name is it?

You're awfully full of questions today…

Tell me who's name it is.

It's not anybody's name.

So, who was a Dem?

What do you mean?

It sounds like you're sayin' somebody was a Dem.

No, nobody was a Dem.

If nobody was a Dem, then it should be IzzaDem.

I don't follow your logic, such as it is…

Look, if it ain't in the past tense, it's gotta be in the present tense, right?

Maybe…

So, if they wasn't a Dem, they must be a Dem, right?

I think you're leaving out the future tense, Professor.

So now it's gonna be WillBADem?

Could be MaybeADem, WontBADem…

AAAA-BBOTT!!!

OK, look, you're just getting yourself all worked up over nothing.  It's just a name.  If it was a question, it would be HoozzaDem; if it was a name, it would be ImmaDem or YuurraDem, or HeezzaDem or SheezzaDem.

Imma...Izza...Yuuzza...Shikzza…

ShikzzaDem?

Gentile girl…

Let's stick to the subject, OK?  I'm starting a blog, and I'm gonna call it WuzzaDem.

And you say that's not a question?

No.

Were you ever a Dem?

Yes, I was a Dem.

AHA!!!  Now we're gettin' somewhere!!!

No, I'm not naming it after myself--I told you, if I was gonna…

WuzzaGonna?

Stop interrupting me…as I was saying…

WuzzaSayin???

STOP THAT!!!  If I was gonna name the blog in reference to myself, I'd call it ImmaDem.

But, you're not.

That's right, I'm not a Dem.

You're gonna call it NottaDem???

No…

But that would be present tense…

Why are you stuck on tenses?

BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKIN' ME TENSE!!!

Calm down, it's just a name…

Look, all I want to know is, who's a Dem, or who's not a Dem, or who's gonna be a Dem, or who's not gonna be a Dem, or who…

Let's just drop it, shall we?  I'll call it Think Sink.

Is that a real sink?

I give up...

{posted by Jeff H at Think Sink}

New Fed Chairman (John)

Umm, doesn't Mike Chertoff already have is hands full over at FEMA? I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

UPDATE: CRONYISM!!

Where, Oh, Where is WuzzaDem? (Mrs. R. from AYC)

Look for another week of Blog Lite from WuzzaDem.

Between attending the Aveda Congress in Minneapolis last week, and preparing for the International Quilt Festival in Houston this week, Wuzza is way too hyped up to wax witty.

From the Aveda Congress: Wuzza particularly enjoyed the ice-sculpting talents of this kilted, chainsaw-wielding adonis.

The silver lining of this dark, WuzzaDem-less cloud? Both of these events rejuvenate WuzzaDem's creative process like you wouldn't believe, so look for WD to post some of the funniest bits EVER written by ANYONE in the weeks to come.

 

More Important News About Larry King (Mrs. R)

Larry King has been taking Ester-C for years, but did you know he's now taking Ester-E, as well?

Poster by Mrs. R. from AYC

Tom Delay, How Dare You Question My Integrity! (Judge Bob Perkins)

Guest post by Judge Bob Perkins

So, Tom Delay thinks I should recuse myself just because I made a few contributions to Moveon.org? That's absurd. I'm a respected jurist, and as such I'm perfectly capable of putting my opinions and personal beliefs aside and deciding a case on the facts alone.

My bud Liberal Larry says this is a textbook case of projection (he was a Psych major until he realized his true calling was Interpretive Clog Dancing), but if you ask me, it's just typical Rethuglican paranoia.

Bob Shrum is convinced Delay can beat this rap, and Shrummy's almost never wrong. I can't wait to see the look on ol' Tommy's face when the guilty verdict comes down. That'll teach him to question my impartiality.

Tom DeLay a Divider, Not a Uniter (Liberal Larry)

Sen. Max Cleland lost three limbs on the battlefields of Vietnam while Rush Limbaugh stayed home from the war with anal cysts, yet Tom DeLay thinks he has the moral authority to criticize my Photoshop skills? The man wouldn't know a gaussian blur from an unsharp mask, but he has no problem sending somebody else's kids down to Kinko's for a high resolution scan. I'll be damned if I sit here and allow someone who has never held a Wacom tablet in battle to -

Oh great. Just GREAT! Look what you've done! How many sons does this poor woman have to bury before you'll be satisfied?

Well, I'm not changing her diapers this time. YOU woke her, YOU wipe her.

Liberal Larry, Judge Perkins and Ronnie Earle: This One's For You (Tom Delay)

Guest column by Tom Delay

This is actually the first shot that was taken yesterday. The photographer told to me say cheese, and I flipped him the bird and said, "I got your cheese right here, buddy."

Dick DeGuerin's a good lawyer, but he went all nancy-boy on me, whining about the "negative publicity" I'd get if this was released to the public. Does he read the papers? Those sumbitches at the New York Slime probably think I got those kids out of Nigeria just to get a lock on that "abonded-child" vote.

I didn't want DeGuerin to start sulking, so I agreed to let them take another picture, and was saving this one to make up custom Christmas cards for Jack Cafferty, Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean.

Well, guess what? I decided the three of you were more deserving, so Christmas just came early for you, you MoveOn.org loving, ham-sandwich indicting, Photoshopping dickheads. Enjoy.

A Hardball Day's Night Logic Problem (Mrs. R. from AYC)

Think you can make sense of this Chris Matthews mind maze?

On a special fantasy edition of Hardball, host Chris Matthews fantasizes that he and three fantasy guests fantasize about which one of the Beatles would have made the best Supreme Court Justice, each man selecting and arguing the merits of a different Mop Top. Chris Matthews' three fantasy guests are Newsweek's Howard Fineman, MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, and Tim Russert from NBC's Meet the Press. During the course of this fantasy panel discussion, Chris Matthews fantasizes that he and his fantasy guests reveal the Beatles fantasy each entertained as a teenager growing up in the '60s, as well as his favorite Beatles LP, each man selecting a different album by the Fab Four (Sgt. Pepper's, Magical Mystery Tour, The White Album, and Let It Be). The four different Beatles fantasies are as follows: No. 1: The Almost Famous Fantasy: CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE sneaks into a Beatles press conference and the four lads from Liverpool are so impressed by his cheeky questions, they grant him an exclusive interview for his high school newspaper (which leads to all sorts of groovy things). No. 2: The Fifth Beatle Fantasy: CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE wears a Mad Hatter's hat to a Beatles concert, which John notices from the stage. The Beatles think the hat is so cool, they invite CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE up on stage to perform a number with the band. He accepts, and the five bring the house down with an extended version of I Saw Her Standing There (which leads to all sorts of groovy things). No. 3: The Fool on the Hill Fantasy: On a family vacation in Europe, while meditating on a grassy hill in the English countryside, CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE is approached by the Fab Four (who were smoking weed on a nearby slope with four fab birds). The lads want to know what the young CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE is doing and why he looks so mellow. CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE tells the four Mop Tops about Transcendental Meditation and its founder, the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. The Beatles are so mesmerized by CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE 's aura, they invite him to their country estate where a wild and swinging party is underway. (This, of course, leads to all sorts of groovy things). No. 4: Dairy Queen Fantasy: Before a high school sock hop, CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE is hanging out with some friends in a Dairy Queen parking lot when a shiny, black limo containing the Beatles pulls up. As it turns out, the Fab Four's driver got lost on the way from the airport to their hotel. CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE gives the driver such explicit, easy-to-understand directions, the Beatles show their gratitude by performing a few numbers at the high school sock hop, making CHRIS-TIM-HOWARD-or-JOE the quintessential BMOC (which, needless to say, leads to all sorts of groovy things). From the following clues, can you determine which Beatle Chris Matthews fantasized he and each of his fantasy guests selected as most qualified to serve on the Supreme Court, as well as the Beatles fantasy and favorite Beatles album Chris Matthews fantasized he and each of his fantasy guests would reveal on this special fantasy edition of Hardball? Note: In one or more of the following clues, Chris Matthews may be fantasizing about himself. Clues: The four fantasy panelists on this special fantasy edition of Hardball are a) host Chris Matthews; b) the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized would select John as the Beatle most qualified to serve on the Supreme Court; c) the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized had fantasized about turning the Beatles on to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi; and, d) the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized would select Magical Mystery Tour as his favorite Beatles album. Sgt. Pepper's is not the Beatles album that Chris fantasized would be the favorite LP of Howard Fineman or the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized had fantasized about meeting the Beatles in Dairy Queen parking lot. The fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized had fantasized about sneaking into a Beatles press conference was not Joe Scarborough or the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews had fantasized that John's quick wit and analytical mind made him the Beatle most qualified Beatle to serve on the Supreme Court. Chris Matthews fantasizes that he disagrees with the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized had fantasized that George was the Beatle most qualified to to serve on the Supreme Court, arguing that George's deeply-held religious beliefs should disqualify him. Neither Tim Russert nor the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews had fantasized had selected John as his Supreme Court pick is the fantasy panelist that Chris had fantasized would choose The White Album as his favorite Beatles LP. Neither the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized would select Magical Mystery Tour as his favorite album nor the fantasy panelist who Chris Matthews fantasized had fantasized about meeting the Beatles in a Dairy Queen parking lot selected Ringo as their Supreme Court pick because, despite this Mop Top's self-effacing charm, Chris Matthews fantasized that both men felt Ringo lacked the intellectual chops to serve on the Supreme Court. For easier puzzle solving, print out this table or fashion a similar one: For the solution to this logic problem, click here.   Cross posted at AYC

DNC Obtains Authentic, Undoctored DeLay Mugshot (Liberal Larry)

Nice try, Therapist, but your smiling Tom DeLay mugshot is an obvious fake, and a shoddy one at that. Thankfully, the DNC has obtained an authentic photograph of the convicted felon as he was being booked on crimes against humanity, and it has already made its way into the latest MoveOn.org TV spot.

No matter how much you lying neocons try, you just can't keep the truth from the American public.

Posted by Liberal Larry

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Democratic Ads (The Therapist)

I was going to blog about this picture yesterday: I knew the moment I saw this, that the dems were going to be seething about it--this "mug shot" of Tom DeLay. Looks like DeLay stuck it to them:

• He's smiling--broadly
• He's wearing a suit
• He's got that congressional button on his lapel

And most importantly:

• No height-measurement backdrop that really sells the "omionous raper" look the dems love to paste all over the place.

Maybe Karl Rove will remember this when they indict him for covering up non-illegal actions.

Cross posted at The Therapist

We Get (Inappropriate) Letters

Here's an e-mail I received today, and my reply:

Thanks for taking the day to read the message that's so important!
Have you noticed your penis?
It's too short!

Dear No Weights or Pumps Needed,

First of all, you're welcome, although it only took me about fifteen minutes to read your e-mail, not an entire day.

In answer to your question, yes, I have seen my penis. Quite a few times, as a matter of fact. Probably more than anyone else has seen it (at least that I know of).

Actually, I didn't mean to make it sound like I've seen my penis a lot. I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I mean, it's not like I sit around staring at it for hours on end. What I mean to say is that I don't stare at it at all. But it's not like I'm afraid to look at it - I don't have some bizarre phobia that causes me to fear making eye contact with my penis. Wait, that didn't sound right either - I know my penis doesn't have an eye. That would be weird. Really weird.

And I don't indulge in fantasies in which I imagine that my penis has an eye that stares back at me. Wait, I didn't mean to say stares back at me, that would suggest that I was staring at it, which we've already established is something I don't do. Not that I'm afraid of it. I mean, I know there's no reason to fear my penis, I just mean I'm not afraid to look at it. But I don't stare.

What kind of baseline are you using to determine that my penis is "too short"? I'm just asking because I've seen a lot of other guys' penises, and I wouldn't say mine was a lot shorter than theirs.

Let me back up for a second, here. When I say that I've seen a lot of other guys' penises, I didn't really mean a lot. And I didn't stare at any of them, I just, you know, saw them in passing. Not that I have some hang-up where I'm afraid to look at penises, but I'm not out looking for them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I haven't looked at my penis, or anyone else's for that matter, for any period of time that would seem inordinately long or short (no pun intended), that I know my penis better than anyone else (although I'm certainly not obsessed with it), and that I don't think it could really be considered "too short" relative to those that I might have seen during the course of a normal day (not that I necessarily see anyone's penis during the course of a 'normal' day) for what would certainly, by most people's standards, be considered a perfectly normal length period of time.

Just take me off your mailing list, OK?

Guest Bloggers (Or, Like You Even Care Whether I'm Here or Not, You Ingrates!)

I know the blogging output here of late has been "light", but I'm trying to catch up on a few non-blog-related things, and will probably have little (if any) time for blogging for the next 5-7 days.

But fear not! A veritable SWAT Team of talented bloggers has graciously agreed to pick up the slack for me. Sometime in the next few days you'll probably forget my name. It's John!

So, your hosts here at WuzzaDem for the next week or so will be:

The Therapist, who I'm sure you all know is one of the funniest guys on the InterWeb.

SobekPundit, a legal-type dude who can bring the serious funny, like this "interview" he did with me.

Liberal Larry from BlameBush! Larry and I don't often (read: never) see eye-to-eye on matters political, but I'm trying to bring some balance to this blog by offering points of view from the other end of the political spectrum.

Mrs. R. from Are You Conservative? might drop by to share her own unique blend of wit and insight.

And Cranky Neocon, of 'Cranky Neocon' fame, who cracks me up, and who recently moved his stuff over to Six Meat Buffet. I think maybe his wife kicked him out and he's crashing on the couch over there, but don't say anything - he's a sensitive guy. Kind of cranky, too.

Thanks to all of you for stepping up and helping me out.

If these sites aren't on your blogroll or list of daily reads, they should be. See to it. And be nice to my guest hosts, OK?

In Which I Try My Hand At Left-Leaning Political Satire

LEFT-LEANING POLITICAL SATIRE ENTRY #1:

REALITY-BASED JOKE OF THE DAY

Reality-Based Community Member #1:
Why did the Saudi Arabian chicken cross the road?

Reality-Based Community Member #2:
Well, the prevailing patriarchal rooster culture in the Middle East was probably one of the motivating factors, but isn't it hypocritical to claim that the cultural ills which promote and allow chicken/rooster violence exist there and not in this country?

Reality-Based Community Member #1:
Absolutely, and in telling this joke I in no way meant to exoticise domestic crimes and excuse people in this country from any ownership over this society, which also tacitly excuses violence against chickens.

Reality-Based Community Member #2:
Well said. You know, when it comes to chickens' rights, Saudi Arabia is certainly “worse off” than America, but that doesn’t make our downfalls any less excusable, and it seems too easy to tell chickens here, “quit complaining, life could be worse.”

Reality-Based Community Member #1:
Right on. We’ve got to look at our own chicken culture too, with the same level of scrutiny.

Reality-Based Community Member #2:
Exactly. Oh, almost forgot: Ha ha!

LEFT-LEANING POLITICAL SATIRE ENTRY #2:

Dear (insert name of Evil Conservative),

I can't tell you how disappointed I was to hear (insert out of context quote from conservative, actual quote from some fringe nutjob who I will portray as a "mainstream conservative", or exaggeration/distortion of some event or situation involving (a) Republican(s) and/or conservative(s)).

As a staunch Republican (see, that's funny because I'm not really a Republican. Get it? Keep that in mind as you read the post) and devout Christian (again, the punch line: I'm not actually a Christian either!) I believe (insert something to the effect that I support and/or endorse heinous words or actions of aforementioned conservative and/or Republican or fringe nutjob who I will portray as a "mainstream conservative"), and further, I believe Our Leader (that's a tongue-in-cheek reference to President Bush often employed by those of us in the liberal satire biz) would be pleased if we (meaning we "Evil Conservatives") were to (insert wildly over-the-top scenario expanding on out of context or quote by conservative, actual quote from...yada, yada, yada).

In closing, let me say that I salute you for signing up for military service. I'm certain you've done so, since such a staunch supporter of the war as yourself could not possibly live with himself if he were a CHICKENHAWK!

Homophobically Yours (because, of course, all conservatives and/or Republicans are homophobic),

Conservative Colonel (I'm not really a conservative - get it?)

Man, this left-leaning political satire is hilarious. BTW, you think I'm kidding?

Your Local News: Finding The Stories That Might Not Even Be There

Bob Simmons here for Channel 3 News at eleven. Our own Jeannie Farmer is in New Orleans, where she has an exclusive interview with Robert Davis, the man who was videotaped being beaten by New Orleans police - Jeannie.

 

 

 

Thanks Bob, I am here with Robert Davis. Mr. Davis, can you tell us in your own words what happened on this very spot last Saturday?

 

 

 

Well, I asked this policeman on horseback...

 

 

 

A white policeman?

 

 

 

No, he was black. So, I asked him what time the curfew was, and this other policeman interrupted...

 

 

 

He was white?

 

 

 

Yeah, yeah, so next thing I know there were three police officers holding me, and all of a sudden one of them hit me...

 

 

 

So, there's no doubt in your mind this was racially motivated?

 

 

 

Why would you say that?

 

 

 

Isn't it obvious? You're black, most of them are white...

 

 

 

No, I don't think race had anything to do with it.

 

 

 

Then you're saying this is the result of pervasive violence and corruption within the New Orleans police depart?

 

 

 

I didn't say that.

 

 

 

Maybe it was political intimidation. Do you think they're Republicans?

 

 

 

No.

 

 

 

Right-leaning Libertarians?

 

 

 

What are you...

 

 

 

Anarchists?

 

 

 

Are you nuts?

 

 

 

Maybe they're gay-bashers.

 

 

 

I'm not gay!

 

 

 

Christians trying to convert you?

 

 

 

I am a Christian!

 

 

 

Fundamentalists pushing their narrow interpretation of the Bible?

 

 

 

No, they...

 

 

 

Mormons trying to sell you on polygamy?

 

 

 

No, it didn't have anything to do woth religion! If you'll just let me...

 

 

 

Well, then you must have done something to provoke them. Were you being condescending?

 

 

 

No!

 

 

 

Patronizing?

 

 

 

I wasn't being any of those...

 

 

 

Holier than thou?

 

 

 

I didn't do anything to provoke them, I just...

 

 

 

Maybe you didn't realize what you were doing - are you epileptic?

 

 

 

No!

 

 

 

Manic depressive?

 

 

 

Of course not!

 

 

 

Passive-aggressive?

 

 

 

Look! I don't know what your problem is, but you keep trying to put words in my mouth and I don't like it! I'm done talking to you.

 

 

 

Well, Bob, we may never know what triggered the incident between Mr. Davis and those police officers, but I think we can all agree he has a serious attitude problem. Back to you, Bob.

 

We Get (Miers-Related) Letters

I haven't published an opinion on this blog about Harriet Miers, her qualifications to serve on the Supreme Court, or what I think about Bush's decision to nominate her, but that doesn't stop some people from inferring that I've staked out a position with which they disagree.

Here are a couple of e-mails I've received from people who have read the exact same posts on this blog:

E-mailer #1:

You might be willing to "trust" Bush on this nomination but there are plenty of conservatives who are not. He lost the right to ask for that trust when he signed McCain-Feingold into law (his "Read my lips" moment), and followed up with the prescription drug bonanza and highway spending spree. These were big-government liberal pieces of legislation, so why should I trust him to put a real conservative on the bench? You and all the other "trusting" souls are going to get burned.

E-mailer #2:

Can't you at least give Harriet Miers a chance to speak before you start piling on? How do you know what's in her heart and mind? Do you know her personally?

Too many people are getting their opinons about her second-hand from loud-mouthed pundits with nothing better to do than bash the president. The Dims don't even have to say anything right now because a lot of conservatives are doing their dirty work for them.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for my insensate support of and/or opposition to Harriet Miers, and for my blind partisan trust and/or inconsiderate bashing of President Bush.

In the future, I'll try not to be so rash when failing to state my opinion.

Pick a Side (And Stick To It)

I swear, some conservatives are such idiots that they'd defend Bush if he nominated his dog Barney to the Supreme Court.

 

 

 

Sarcasm noted, but I think it's worth pointing out that President Bush chose as his companion animal a Scottish Terrier, a breed whose intelligence, jaunty attitude and fierce loyalty has endeared them to countless thousands of American families.

 

 

 

How can someone with no record of deep, seething hatred toward liberals be qualified to sit on the Supreme Court? Sorry, but Podunk City College, or wherever Miers went, can't hold a candle to the elite universities when it comes to turning out top-notch liberal-haters.

 

 

 

Oh, and I guess we should nominate someone with a good grasp of constitutional law.

 

 

 

Come on, now, it's just ConLaw, it's not rocket science. Besides, there are eight other justices - I'm sure they'd be glad to pitch in if she needs help getting up to speed.

 

 

 

Hey, we elected Bush to be president, and he seems to think we want a dictator.

 

 

 

I think your premise is flawed, but even if that were the case, I think W would go down in history as one of the few truly benevolent and fiscally responsible dictators.

 

 

 

Look, a lot of conservatives have worked their butts off for decades grooming conservative legal talent, and what was Bush doing? Snorting coke with Pete Doherty.

 

 

 

Pete Doherty? Are you sure you don't have Bush mixed up with Kate Moss?

 

 

 

Oh, that's right, Bush was boozing it up with his frat buddies.

 

 

 

Well, I would never encourage anyone to drink to excess, but studies done by the Mayo Clinic do show that moderate alcohol consumption may reduce your risk of developing heart disease, peripheral vascular disease and intermittent claudication.

 

 

 

Well, based on Bush's selection of Miers I'm starting to think the National Enquirer might be right.

 

 

 

What's the best way to support the hops and barley farmers of middle America? Buy their product. That's consumer spending at it's best: Good for the economy and good for America.

 

 

 

Hey, didn't he call Ted Kennedy his friend during the 2002 SOTU address? How could I have missed the signs?

 

 

 

Come to think of it, he might have been drinking as part of a long-term strategy to bolster his health in preparation for the War On Terror. Genius. Pure genius.

 

 

 

Excuse me, but does either of you know where I might be able to hear a little reasoned debate on this subject?

 

 

 

Am I supposed to know you? Are you published?

 

 

 

No, I'm just a regular guy, trying to find an opinion from someone who thinks Bush might be somewhere between the village idiot and the second coming.

 

 

 

Then why am I talking to you?

 

 

 

Yes, with all due respect, piss off! Sir.

 

 

 

Just forget I said anything.

 

 

 

Another Bush lackey.

 

 

 

Typical liberal detractor. Or maybe a RINO.

 

The World Series

That's baseball, right?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

UPDATE: Looks like I was wrong - the World Series has nothing to do with baseball. Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

UPDATE II: Sorry, looks like the World Series is some sort of baseball "championship". And you thought I didn't know anything about sports.

Sorry

No blogging tonight.

Sick.

Sick of Blogging.

Not really, just sick.

Bird flu.

Just kidding. I'm not a bird.

Their Dissent Will Not Be Chilled!

You, sir, will destroy our lives.

 

 

 

 

You are inept. You are inadequate to the task.

 

 

 

 

You lied!

 

 

 

 

We have children, sir. We have children.

 

 

 

 

How dare you take their legacy from them. How dare you! It's shameful!

 

 

 

 

*sniff* You lied. *sniff* You LIED!

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, dude, but if I give you the thirty-nine cent Chalupa deal without a coupon I could lose my job.

 

 

 

 

Now that I've seen your method and means firsthand, I know how you silenced Cindy Sheehan.

 

 

 

 

Who?

 

 

 

A few minutes later...

 

 

 

I came here today because I believe that American democracy is in grave danger.

 

 

 

 

Plus, I got me a hankerin' for one of them Enchiritos.

 

 

 

 

We haven't served Enchiritos for years.

 

 

 

 

Am I the only one who feels that something has gone basically and badly wrong here?

 

 

 

 

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish the high school rush hour would start.

 

Hardball: Back To School

I'm Chris Matthews, let's play Hardball. I had a fantastic time during the Hardball College Tour back in 2004, and tonight we're visiting a school that's near and dear to my heart - it's my alma mater, Melton Elementary School.

 

 

 

Let's talk to some of the students in the audience here. How are you, young lady?

 

 

 

You always think you're so smart!

 

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate that. You know, I did graduate in the top 112 of my class.

 

 

 

Yeah, but how may people were in the class?

 

 

 

That's not really important. Let's talk about current events. You've probably heard that House majority leader Tom DeLay has been indicted by grand jury in Texas. If he's actually sentented to jail time...

 

 

 

You don't go to jail from a dite-ment!

 

 

 

Yeah, you have to go to a trial with one of those judge guys and everything! We learned that last week.

 

 

 

I knew that, I knew that, but we did hear from DNC chairman Howard Dean earlier, and he said...

 

 

 

My dad says that guy's even funnier than you.

 

 

 

Governor Dean does have a great sense of humor.

 

 

 

Yeah, my dad was laughing so hard when he said he wanted to hide the tsunami.

 

 

 

Oh, you must mean when Governor Dean said the president couldn't play "Hide the salami."

 

 

 

Whatever.

 

 

 

My mom says you never listen to nobody.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, Mr.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEY, MR!

 

 

 

Sorry. What were we talking about?

 

 

 

How