The "Disaster Porn" Stars of Cable News (Part I)

Let's bring in Jack Cafferty now. Jack, was there a - I want to choose my words carefully, here - was there a failure on the part of the Governor of...

 

 

 

You're damned right there was, Aaron, and I don't know why you're tiptoeing around the issue. Mississippi's governor, Haley Barbour, is nothing but a Republican hack, and he's responsible for the death and suffering of an as yet unknown number of Mississippi's citizens...

 

 

 

Jack...

 

 

 

Does he care? Hell no!

 

 

 

Jack...

 

 

 

Why the hell is he getting a pass? The guy should be charged with negligent homicide and thrown in the pokey!

 

 

 

Jack...

 

 

 

I tell you, if I saw that son of a bitch right now, I'd put my hands around his throat and choke him until his eyeballs popped out of his...

 

 

 

Jack! I was going to ask you about Louisiana's Democratic Governor, Kathleen Blanco.

 

 

 

Blanco?

 

 

 

Yes, Blanco. Do you think...

 

 

 

So what do you want to do, Aaron? Do you want to point fingers while there are still bodies floating in the water?

 

 

 

The question was intended to...

 

 

 

What kind of crap is this, Brown?? The woman has her hands full dealing with this disaster, and you want want play the blame game??? That's a cheap shot! I swear, if you were here, I'd...

 

 

 

Let's go to Anderson Cooper, who's on the ground in Mississippi. Anderson...

 

 

 

Mississippi?!?!

 

 

 

Anderson, I've just been told that a number of local, state and federal officials are meeting at this very moment to...

 

 

 

Screw them, Aaron!

 

 

 

We get it, already - you're pissed off, you want answers, you're mad as hell and you're not going to take it any more, yada yada yada. Like I said, these people are meeting...

 

 

 

Aaron, I care more about the people that are suffering here right now...

 

 

 

Water?

 

 

 

No thanks, I've got plenty in the trailer. Aaron, there's a human dimension to this tragedy, and what these politicians don't realize...

 

 

 

Please - water!

 

 

 

Listen, we're doing interviews in about a half-hour. Talk to my producer, maybe we can squeeze you in.

 

 

 

I'm dying of thirst!

 

 

 

Great. Be sure to mention that when you're on camera.

 

 

 

Aaron, these people need food, they need....uh...

 

 

 

WATER!

 

 

 

Right, thanks. They need water, they need shelter, but most of all, they need to regain their dignity. I want to show you some footage now of a man standing outside in nothing but his underwear...

 

 

 

*CLICK*

 

 

 

Geraldo Rivera and Shepard Smith are both outside the Superdome in New Orleans - Shepard, what does it look like out there now that the area has been evacuated?

 

 

 

Paige, an eerie quiet has fallen over this area, and I want to show you someting I found on the ground here.

 

 

 

It's a toaster, Paige. You know, as an old southern boy, I can tell you that the people down here like their bread, and they like it toasted.

 

 

 

Paige, I just found some "D" batteries here. I think there's a distinct possibility that these batteries were, in the frenzied, hectic atmosphere of the evacuation, separated from the very toaster our own Shepard Smith now holds in his hands.

 

 

 

Toasters don't work on batteries, Geraldo.

 

 

 

Shep-O, perhaps in a moment of panic and hunger, some desperate soul attempted to fashion a power source that would allow him to enjoy a warm and hearty meal of toasted bread.

 

 

 

Or maybe these batteries fell out of a flashlight - who knows?

 

 

 

Paige, one can't help but wonder...

 

 

 

Paige, I just found a discarded cheese grater on the ground. You know, one can't help but think that this lonely grater, this simple yet highly functional kitchen tool, has seen happier times. Perhaps it was used to grate cheddar for nachos, maybe mozzarella for a pizza, possibly even parmesan for a nice pasta dinner...

 

 

 

Paige, there's an old light bulb on the ground here - a lone 60-watt bulb, broken and discarded, a metaphor for...

 

 

 

Paige, believe it or not I just found a man's wallet laying on the ground - It's even got some cash and credit cards in it. Somewhere out there is a man who's lost everything, even the very...

 

 

 

Geraldo, isn't that your drivers license in the wallet?

 

 

 

What?

 

 

 

That's your wallet!

 

 

 

Oh, uh...I guess it is. Must have fallen out of my pocket.

 

 

 

One second, Paige, I see someone walking by here - Excuse me, sir?

 

 

 

Yes?

 

 

 

Hey, how you doin' there, man?

 

 

 

What's up, bro?

 

 

 

What it be like, my man?

 

 

 

What's goin' down, negro?

 

 

 

Yo, yo, yo, what is the dizzle with this hurricashizzle?

 

 

 

Would you mind speaking English?

 

 

 

It's cool, man. I'm just "rapping" with you in the vernacular of the street. You know, as a fellow ethnic minority...

 

 

 

Give the "ethnic minority" crap a rest, dude - everyone knows your name is Jerry Rivers!

 

 

 

Hey, my man here knows...

 

 

 

I'm not your man, now would you please...

 

 

 

Whoa! Is that a gun under your coat?

 

 

 

That's definitely a gun.

 

 

 

Did you boost that from a gun shop?

 

 

 

He obviously took possession of it during the inevitable uprising that occurred in the aftermath of...

 

 

 

I did no such thing!

 

 

 

Don't worry, man, we're cool.

 

 

 

Yeah, we'll keep it on the lowdown.

 

 

 

I think you mean the down-low. Can you believe this cracker?

 

 

 

Listen! Both of you - I didn't steal this gun, I'm a police officer.

 

 

 

Police officer?!? Why aren't you out there helping these people?? Can't you see they're thirsty? They're thirsty!

 

 

 

Just let them, go, man! Why can't you just let those people walk out of there??

 

 

 

The area's been evacuated!

 

 

 

Shouldn't you be looking for survivors?? There are survivors out there, sir - what do you intend to do about it?? What are you going to do about it? He won't answer me! He won't answer me!

 

 

 

Find 'em, man! You gotta find 'em! Don't leave my people behind!

 

 

 

I was trying to get to work when you stopped me. Get out of my way.

 

 

 

Paige, I hardly know what to say. What our viewers have just witnessed here on live television is an example of the authorities finally taking responsibility, and taking action - action that could save someone's life - as a direct result of pressure from the media. I've gotta tell you, some days it feels good to be a reporter.

 

 

 

I hear you, Shep. You know, when I think about what might have happened if we weren't here today, I...I...sorry, you're going to have to give me a minute, man.

 

 

 

*CLICK*

 

 

 

I'm Alex Witt, thanks for tuning in to MSNBC...

 

To be continued...

UPDATE: Part II

Comments

[WitNit]

Another classic! You da bomb!

[GroovyVic]

Brilliant!

[Sinner]

Brilliant!

[bird of paridise]

More malarkey from CNN(Communist News Network)and the usial mindless blather from these reptiles

[Jeeves]

What is this "MSNBC" of which you speak?

[Jeff H]

That Jeeves, what a cracker...

[Nickie Goomba]

Home Run!

[Rodney A Stanton]

Clever

[Oyster]

Uh, I would say that's pretty accurate. Good job.

[Chad]

You just made my day.

[Brainster]

You just go from strength to strength!

[AnonymousDrivel]

Once again, you've captured the moment. The only thing missing was Shep Smith striking a pose with that corpse (a real one and not Geraldo) in the background as a ready-made exploitable backdrop while he muttered bad poetry... at least I suspect he thought it was poetry. Oh, and Carl Cameron darting in and out of the oncoming wind (why, how unique) to show us a hurricane was nearby and to earn "combat" stripes as he dodged large pieces of crumpled paper, water-logged leaves, and styrofoam cups. Idiotic.

Thanks again for reporting the story behind the story. And for making us laugh. I'm looking forward to upcoming installments but I fear your reportage will be a full time job.

[Favre]

That was hilarious!!

[CollegePundit]

Awesome as always. I almost howled with laughter at the CNN segment with Anderson Cooper - too damned funny.

[Russell Wardlow]

Dude... that was Robert Mugabe. Funny stuff, but.... Mugabe?

[fretless]

Woot!

[John from WuzzaDem]

Russell,

Holy crap, you're right. Changed the pic. *ugh*

[Chad Evans]

Pure genious, though I can't wait for the MSNBC to be continued part.

[Jack]

Very nice.

[Jeff H]

I heard Mugabe was in N.O.--lookin' for some hookin' chicks with beads for bread.

[Liberal Larry]

I don't get it.

[John from WuzzaDem]

See, Larry, the media has...Oh, forget it.

[Kiki B.]

Again, glad I wasn't drinking milk while reading this post. Nothing like that stuff coming up your nose, or being spewed onto the computer screen. Then, I would have had Anderson Cooper, Jesse Jackson, Geraldo Rivera(who said he was a Jew during his reporting from NO), and Shep Smith show up at my door with microphones and cameras in tow to castigate me for wasting milk when there are people in New Orleans dying of thirst and starvation. Hence, they would camp out on my doorstep(or force their way into my home) to report on what a wasteful Republican I am, how I am revictimizing all of the NO "refugees", AND how my waste of milk led to Global Warming and Hurricane Katrina in the first place. Whew! I'm never drinking milk again. ;-) Got milk?

[Rob]

That was about the funniest damn thing I've seen in quite a while.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Not only did Geraldo play the "I'm Jewish" card yesterday (good thing Jesse Jackson wasn't around or he might have called him "Jaime Rivera"), he said (Paraphrasing):

"As a Jewish man, I dont say this lightly, but I would have to say that what we're seeing here is worse than the Holocaust.

Get a grip, dude.

[AnonymousDrivel]

Heh. That's Geraldo - the passionate everyman. One day Anglo-American, another latino-Rican, now a "Jew". Next time he stumbles over a tree limb on camera, he'll confess to being a conifer. Pfft. We all know he's a locoweed with sorta' flowery prose that just stinks up the joint.

[Scott]

John, you're on a level with Iowahawk now - that was way too funny!

[Greg]

This is why I don't even try to be funny anymore.

[Toby]

That was very funny! Geraldo is that is your wallet? hahahaha

[SWOguy]

Look at the hat on the gent asking for the water.
It is from ACU 4.
ACU 4 is the US Navy unit providing the LCACs working down there now. Wonder if he has kin on one of the hoppers?

[AnonymousDrivel]

A Cooper: Right, thanks. They need water, they need shelter, but most of all, they need to regain their dignity. I want to show you some footage now of a man standing outside in nothing but his underwear...

Reread your post and can't believe I missed this one. AHAHA! Must have been the tearing first time 'round. Are you sure you don't produce these shows... you know, tattling on your peers?

[Rosemary]

Fantastic! lol.

[Gio]

That's funny stuff.

[AnonymousDrivel]

A belated correction to the AnonymousDrivel (Sep 6, 2005 3:27:00 PM) post:

Substitute Steve Harrigan for Carl Cameron. It was Harrigan who did the darting. My egregious error. I should be flogged.

[AA]

i guess you were a dem b4 you had the labotomy.

You are a twisted shit.

Shep smith shows he has a soul and he becomes a target ... man you pukes suck.

You are the only losers I have ever seen that play the victim even though you control congress and the white house

[John from WuzzaDem]

Hey, everybody, it's the president of the Shepard Smith Fan Club!

Seriously, though, I'm sure you were a big fan before he went to New Orleans, right? I can just picture you praising him endlessly and defending him tirelessly when he was voicing support for the president and for the war.