Judge John Roberts, Come On Down!
Thank you for your remarks, Judge Roberts, and for your patience. We have a long session ahead of us and I know the members of this committee are anxious to ask you a few questions, so I yield to my colleague from Delaware, Senator Joseph Biden.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman, good morning, Judge. I have a few very direct questions, and I'm sure you intend to provide me with direct answers.
I'll do my best, Senator.
So, which square do you want?
What??
Looks like we've still got Kathy Griffin, Gene Simmons...How about Jimmy 'JJ' Walker?
Jimmy Walker?
Good call - what's up, Jimmy?
I'm just chillin', Joe. You know, this is the first time I've been to a hearing where I'm not the hearee. I kinda like it.
Good one, man! So, given what you know, or rather what you don't know about John Roberts, what effect do you think his appointment would have on issues such as abortion and civil rights?
Well, based on what I've been hearing in the news the past coupla months, I would have to say that he would Dy-no-mite civil rights.
Mr. Chairman, this is very disturbing to me. I would ask my colleagues to think long and hard before voting to confirm someone who intends to dy-no-mite civil rights. I yield to the Senator from California.
I'm not going to dy-no-mite anything - I don't even know what that means!
Good morning, Judge. If I were a Tootsie Roll Pop, what would you do to me if you wanted to get to my chewy Tootsie Roll center?
What kind of question is that?
They're not going to get any easier, Judge. Now, I'm not asking you to tell me how you would rule on any particular case, but I have a responsibility to my constituents to evaluate not only your judicial philosophy, but your temperament, so what is your answer?
I'm not going to answer that question. What does that have to do with...
Very well, let me ask you this: If you walked into a dark room and I was a lamp, what would you do?
I'm not answering that either! This has no bearing on...
Mr. Chairman, I've been on this committee long enough to know when I'm being stonewalled, and so do the American people. I yield for now.
The Chair recognizes the ranking member, Senator Leahy of Vermont.
Thank you, Mr. Chariman, good morning, Judge.
Good morning, Senator.
I hope you don't mind my asking you a couple of boring questions.
Actually, I'd like that very much.
So where were you and your wife the first time you ever made whoopee?
Why in the world would I tell you that?
So that we can get an idea of what kind of person we're being asked to grant a lifetime appointment to the highest court in this land.
The questions you're asking me are completely...
All right, let me ask you this: Would your wife say that when you're between the sheets you're a teddy bear or a grizzly bear?
I'm not any kind of bear - I mean, I'm not answering any personal...
Mr. Chairman, in all my time on this committee I have never encountered a nominee so resistant to questioning, and quite frankly I'm starting to have some serious concerns about Judge Roberts' ability to...
The questions you're asking don't have anything...
I yield to the Senator from Illinois.
Judge Roberts, I've been very straightforward with you since your nomination was first announced, and I have to say I'm disappointed with your reluctance to answer even basic questions this morning.
I just don't understand what...
So here's the first question: The category is Law That You Will Overturn If Appointed.
Category?? What are you talking about??
Should be pretty easy - we've already filled in most of the answer for you.
I can't answer that.
Do you need another letter?
No, it's just...
Do you want to buy a vowel?
I know what it says, but I am not going to answer that question.
I give up, Mr. Chairman. I've gone out of my way to accomodate the Judge, and he still refuses to answer my question. I yield to the senior Senator from Massachusetts.
Take it, Teddy!
Judge Roberts, is your family here with you?
My wife's here, but why...
Is she going to help you answer questions?
Why would my wife help me answer questions?
Suit yourself, but unless you have help, The Village People are going to wipe the floor with you.
What are those people doing here?
Those people? Those people?? Mr. Chairman, I hope the good people of this country are watching, because this is a textbook example of the kind of bigotry and homophobia I would expect from someone who....
I just want to know what's going...
I know exactly what you want, Judge. You want an America where there's no room at the inn for The Village People. An America where...
What are you talking about? What is going on here???
Mr. Chairman, I'd like the record to reflect the nominee's hostile attitude toward the members of this committee.
Gotcha covered, babe!
Mr Chairman, I expected to answer some tough questions today, but I have to say in all honesty that this hearing is a circus!
Judge Roberts, we take very seriously our duties as members of this committee, so I take exception to that last remark. I'm calling a recess until tomorrow morning, I suggest you consider being a little more cooperative and forthcoming when we convene again.
Another Home Run! Good Job.
Posted by: Retired Geezer | July 25, 2005 at 12:16 AM
Hilarious! Thanks! Loved the "Wheel" part with Roe v. Wade. Oh man, this deserves some good links. Good luck!
Posted by: Splashman | July 25, 2005 at 03:59 AM
Good stuff!
Posted by: Greg | July 25, 2005 at 05:30 AM
You are brilliant!
Posted by: DeputyHeadmistress | July 25, 2005 at 07:29 AM
all I want to know is...was this on CSPAN or something? I don't remember all this happening.
sounds logical, though.
Posted by: MacStansbury | July 25, 2005 at 07:53 AM
HA! classic.
Posted by: Patriot Xeno | July 25, 2005 at 08:09 AM
My first visit. Will not be my last. Brilliant.
Posted by: Seoulsearer | July 25, 2005 at 08:11 AM
Pretty good stuff.
Posted by: muckdog | July 25, 2005 at 08:27 AM
Right on the money, except I expect the real hearings to be less humorous...
Posted by: Jeff H | July 25, 2005 at 08:29 AM
except I expect the real hearings to be less humorous...
Actually, I expect the real hearings to be less dignified.
Posted by: Phinn | July 25, 2005 at 08:45 AM
Awesome job John from WuzzaDem. I think the good Senator from California might be fishing from the wrong stream though. Thought she liked to play ball for the other team.
Posted by: Paladin | July 25, 2005 at 09:11 AM
Good stuff. Very much in line with how I expect the hearings to go, and entertaining, too.. I feel obliged to point out, however, that Jimmie Walker... is a conservative!
http://www.dynomitejj.com/views.asp
Posted by: Nate Brittany | July 25, 2005 at 09:25 AM
Absolutely sick! You're the greatest.
Posted by: Mojave Mark | July 25, 2005 at 09:42 AM
Oh. My. God.
I only have one question.
HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE SECRET HEARINGS????
Posted by: Cassandra | July 25, 2005 at 09:56 AM
Brilliant!! The Democrats are as hopeless as you have caricatured.
Posted by: docdave | July 25, 2005 at 10:07 AM
Can't ... type ... sides ... splitting!
Bravo! Superb!
You should conclude with Sen. Specter as "Survivor's" Jeff Probst, and the Democrtats voting Judge Roberts off the island in "Survivor: Supreme Nomination."
Maybe Ted Kennedy could be the guy from the first Survivor series who walked around naked.
Posted by: Mike | July 25, 2005 at 10:08 AM
Who leaked the California senators' questions to you?
Posted by: seawitch | July 25, 2005 at 10:32 AM
Did you know that Jimmy Walker is actually a conservative? It's true.
Can I find any links to substantiate this, at the moment? Not at all. He's written a few opinion pieces, although I'm at a complete loss to where I've seen them.
Posted by: Matt | July 25, 2005 at 10:41 AM
Why am I reminded of the time Chuck asked a newlywed couple what the strangest place they had made whoopee was, and the woman replied in the a*[content deleted].
Posted by: Pile On® | July 25, 2005 at 11:34 AM
Doggone - that was hysterical!!! Thanks for the fun ... although I imagine the reality will be just as surreal.
(Matt - Check here for Walker's views http://www.dynomitejj.com/views.asp )
Posted by: Barb | July 25, 2005 at 02:42 PM
Now that is good stuff! Thank you for bringing the truth to light.
Posted by: Andy | July 25, 2005 at 02:43 PM
Boy, have you hit a home run with this one! Bravo!!!
Posted by: Sue Bob | July 25, 2005 at 04:10 PM
Dude.
You watch way too much T.V.
Posted by: Eric | July 25, 2005 at 05:24 PM
Awesome! thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: Jay | July 25, 2005 at 06:15 PM
Phin, dignity is overrated in Washington. Apparently. Since it never rears its ugly head there.
Posted by: Jeff H | July 25, 2005 at 09:55 PM
Pile I can't believe you said that.
Wait. Yes I can.
Posted by: Cassandra | July 26, 2005 at 02:47 AM
How about THE MATCH GAMEs dumb dorris question? of in this cae terrible ted(kennedy) TERRIBLE TED IS SOOO TERRIBLE (audiance)HOW TERRIBLE IS HE?
Posted by: bird of paridise | July 26, 2005 at 08:04 AM
Absolutely great parody! I owe John Pike a big thanks for sending me here.
I'll be back! (that was my Governator impression)
Posted by: Whymrhymer | July 26, 2005 at 08:43 AM
Dude, that was an awesome Ah-nold impression!
Posted by: The Dude | July 26, 2005 at 09:02 AM
Holy crap...
Don't do that when people are eating...I almost choked to death laughing.
You are right on the money with those knuckleheads though.
Posted by: Chuck | July 26, 2005 at 10:56 AM