WuzzaDem

Local TV Reporter Goes Undercover At a Computer Hackers' Conference

Welcome to the security conference, sir, do you need a press pass?

 

 

Press?? Sup with that, D00d? No way! I got sum mad hax.

 

 

Yes...I'm sure you do.

 

 

OMG! WTF izz up w/all the lamerz and p0sers??

 

 

OK, umm...are you going to be attending the Linux track?

 

 

LOL! ROTFLMAO!

 

 

You do realize you're actually speaking in lame 'chat' acronyms, don't you?

 

 

Yah, do0d! I got 2-day warez.

 

 

Yeah, ummm...tell you what, you wait right here. I'm going to go talk to the security guards and see if I can get you special clearance to get into the limited attendance AOL workshop, OK? Because, uh...because the Linux track is for lamerz and n00bs, OK?

 

 

Kewl. I'll chill here, br0.

 

 

...

 

 

Might as well start writing the acceptance speech for my award when I get home.

 

Ask Mr. Stick Figure (Again)

Time for another installment of "Ask Mr. Stick Figure", where readers ask Mr. Stick Figure questions so that he can answer them. Which is, umm, why they ask him questions. You know, so he will answer them. I guess that's kind of self-explanatory. So I didn't really need to explain it.

Reader "Pile O." asks:

Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

Why do you think the London bombing suspects were willing to be taken alive? Weren't they suicide bombers? This doesn't make sense to me.

 

Hel-LO? What doesn't make sense to you? Let's work through this: What's the opposite of being taken alive? Let's see, could it be.....being taken dead? Ding-ding-ding-ding! Winner!

Readers "Steve and Robbo" ask:

Mr. Stick Figure,

We watched some of the debate in the House over the proposed CAFTA bill on C-Span this weekend, and we couldn't help but notice that many Democrats who talk about 'losing' manufacturing jobs like to say that "These were good paying jobs." Aren't these same Democrats always saying that people working in the manufacturing sector are underpaid, and barely able to make ends meet?

 

What are you guys, conjoined twins? Watching TV together, writing e-mails together - spend some time apart, already! As for your question, allow me to point out the obvious: They're Democrats!

Of course any job they claim has been 'lost' on Bush's watch was a good-paying job, the same way that a trade agreement from a Republican administration is bad, even though the same kind of agreement from a Democratic president was the greatest thing since sliced campaign contributions.

Remember the rules for Democrats: Bush does it - bad. Dem does it - good. Things Dems would like to do, if only the Republicans would let them - would change the world as we know it (for the better, of course).

 

We received this e-mail from "Sue Bob":

Mr. Stick Figure,

I think that "Pile O." was alluding to the fact that the bombing suspects apprehended in London intended to kill themselves in the failed attacks. That being the case, one wonders why they would allow the police to take them alive.

 

Are you people dense? Did you even read my answer to his question? The police who captured those scumbags had GUNS. If they shot said guns, those pukes would be DEAD. Sleeping with the fishes. Taking the dirt nap. El muerte. Comprende? Why are you people having such such a hard time grasping this concept?

 

Reader "Eric" (or is it "Vince"? We can't figure it out) writes:

Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

I think what Pile and Sue Bob were trying to point out is that...

 

ENOUGH with this already! If you people can't understand something this simple, then you're just hopeless. Next subject.

 

"Gordon" sent in the following question:

Hey, Mr. Stick Figure,

What do you think of the judge who sentenced the so-called "Millennium Bomber" to a total of just 22 years, meaning he'll be eligible for parole in just 14 years?

 

What do I think? I think that (BLEEP) judge should be (BLEEP) by his (BLEEP) and have a (BLEEP) (BLEEP) up his (BLEEP) until his (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) and his (BLEEP) turns (BLEEP). That's what I think.

Then he should have the same thing done a second time for his ignorant, sanctimonious lecture from the bench to the Bush administration, in which he makes the ridiculous assertion that (BLEEP) terrorists who come into this country with the intent to kill US citizens shouldn't be tried by military tribunals. If this clown had his way, there's a good chance some (BLEEP) Nazi spy would be living in my neighborhood after serving his 12 years (with 5 years off for 'good behavior') and would probably be on some kind of government assistance. Wouldn't that be nice? What a dick!

 

WuzzaDem reader "Sobek" sent this in:

Mr. Stick Figure,

Just wanted to inform you that I've completed the bar exam, and I'll find out in October whether or not I passed.

 

Oh, thank God! Maybe if we keep cranking people out of law school at this rate, someday we'll end the crippling shortage of lawyers in this country. And since we seem to have so many brain donors reading: That was sarcasm! By the way, Clarence Darrow, you were supposed submit a question. Didn't they teach you the difference between a question and a statement in law school? If not, please let me know when you try your first case - it should be very interesting.

 

Next, reader "Jeffh" asks:

Mr. Stick Figure,

I'm not happy about the sentence that judge handed down either, but are you sure you should be saying those kinds of things about an officer of the court?

 

Hey, Einstein, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a stick figure, so there are certain societal norms that don't apply to me. I can talk smack all day long, and there's not a damned thing anyone can do about it, so kiss my ass, you pansy!

 

And, finally, "Mrs. R." says:

Mr. Stick Figure,

While you may be able to say whatever you want without worrying about the consequences, what about the person who hosts this blog? Didn't he give you a forum to state your views and opinions? Aren't you worried he might be blamed for any controversy arising from something you've said?

 

Hey, John can bite me! Gave me a forum? You must be joking! He practically begged me to do this! "You gotta help me out, Stick Figure. I'm out of ideas. I need content." Hey, you needed ideas a long time ago, dude. People are fed up with the whole "Google" shtick, you know. And, come on - Andy Griffith?? Talk about desperate!

And John didn't keep his end of the bargain, either. He promised me I'd get some intelligent questions this time, but you people are dumber than the last bunch of morons I had to deal with. I'm going out to get sh*t-faced now.

Dry Cleaner: INXS

Can I help you, young man?

 

 

 

Actually I think I can help you, because I'm here to pick up the dry cleaning of one of the greatest rock bands in the world - INXS.

 

 

 

I've got goose bumps - you got a ticket?

 

 

 

I don't think you understood me, brother. I'm here for INXS, and they are looking for a dry cleaner. You play your cards right and you could be that dry cleaner.

 

 

 

I ain't your brother, and if you got no ticket you get no laundry, got it?

 

 

 

It's all right, mate. Dave has been empowered to act on behalf of the band.

 

 

 

Listen, Ringo - I don't care if he's been blessed by the Pope, either fork over a ticket or get the hell outta here.

 

 

 

Right - here's your ticket, mate.

 

 

 

Now you're talking, sport. Here's your clothes. At least I think they're your clothes - looks like you've got a ladies outfit in there.

 

 

 

No, this is mine. You see this outfit? There's one just like it hanging in The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

 

 

 

Big deal. You see these pants? There's three more pair just like them hanging in my closet at home.

 

 

 

Listen, mate - I know you're a professional, and you're good at what you do, but I'm afraid these shirts have a bit too much starch for our band, INXS.

 

 

 

You asked for heavy starch, that's heavy starch. You don't like it, you got no one to blame but yourself, buddy.

 

 

 

Listen, bro - what's your name?

 

 

 

Puddintane.

 

 

 

Right, listen, Puddintane - you know I think you're a total star, man. I mean, your martinizing, your pressing, your alterations - it's a triple threat, man. But, just keeping it real here, man - your dry cleaning could use some work. I just don't think it's right for INXS.

 

 

 

Are you on crack?

 

 

 

We're going to leave you now, mate, and I'm afraid we won't be back.

 

 

 

You're breakin' my heart, here.

 

 

 

The band's leaving now, and I'm afraid they won't be back.

 

 

 

I ain't deaf, toots.

 

 

 

Rock on, Puddintane!

 

 

 

Yeah, yeah - don't let the door hit you in the ass.

 

 

 

Peace out, brother.

 

 

 

Hit the bricks, already! Some of us have to work for a living, you know.

 

 

 

Sumbitches didn't pay me.

 

Update: Ace doesn't much care for JD. Can't say as I blame him. Tre is blogging the show every night.

 

UPDATE II: This is pretty damned funny.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn In 'Funeral Crashers'

You can't Make this stuff up:

The family of a Marine who was killed in Iraq is furious with Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll for showing up uninvited at his funeral this week, handing out her business card and then saying "our government" is against the war.

And now, the adventures of two wacky Democratic Lieutenant Governors who crash military funerals looking for a little face time with the press (and maybe even a campaign contribution or two on the side).

 

So what's on the agenda for tomorrow, buddy?

 

Oh, man, I've got us lined up with a huge military funeral. There's gonna be hundreds of people there.

 

Yeah, but will there be any...

 

Press? You know it, man!

 

Sweet! How'd you manage to swing an invite to that?

 

Hey, man, we're Lieutenant Governors now.We don't need to wait for an invitation. Hell, they'll probably thank us for showing up.

 

Right, I keep forgetting.

 

You've got to stop thinking like a civilian, man.

 

The next day:

 

This is one happening funeral, man.

 

Didn't I tell you? I'm just gonna work the crowd a little, maybe hand out a business card or two.

 

Good idea. Heads up, there's a chick coming this way.

 

Hey, darlin', what brings you here today?

 

This is my husband's funeral. Who invited you?

 

Hey, it's cool, we're Lieutenant Governors.

 

Yeah, we thought maybe if you had a couple of high-profile politicians here it might help you drum up some publicity for the event, you know?

 

I don't want any publicity - my husband died!

 

Yeah, listen, about that - major bummer. Really.

 

Yeah, major.

 

Don't you have any shame?

 

Whew! Man, I'm glad she's gone.

 

We should probably cut her a little slack - you know, what with her husband croaking and all.

 

I guess you're right. Hey, they're bringing in the dead guy - are we supposed to salute, or what?

 

We're not in the army, man - we're Lieutenant Governors.

 

So what are we supposed to do?

 

I guess we just, you know, show the proper respect.

 

Right

 

All right, dude!

 

YEAH! Wooooo! You rock! I mean rocked!

 

 

Is it just me, or is this crowd a major downer?

 

I know what you mean, man. I'm definitely picking up a very gloomy vibe here. Hey, do you see what I see?

 

Wow!

 

 

She's got it all, man - microphone, cameraman, live satellite feed.

 

I'm talking to her as soon as this priest guy shuts his yap.

 

Hey, I saw her first.

 

You talked to the reporters at the last funeral.

 

Because you talked to them at the two funerals before that.

 

All right, we'll both talk to her, but don't hog the camera.

 

Later:

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, if you could just gather around here, we'd like to say a few words. Hand me those microphones, please.

 

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you for coming out here to see us today.

 

We didn't come to see you, we came for the funeral!

 

Oh, right, the funeral. Hey, mad props to whoever put this thing together.

 

Seriously - mad props.

 

What the hell's wrong with you?

 

I'll tell you what's wrong with me, man - I'm really fed up with Bush and his whole preemptive, war-mongering, you know, foreign policy. It's just total BS if you ask me. Thanks for that question.

 

Yeah, don't get us wrong - I mean, we want to support the troops and everything, but they're not making it easy for us. I mean, come on - they're killing people. That's just not cool.

 

Just get out already!

 

Exactly, man, exactly. I mean, we've just got to get out of Iraq, or Iran, or whatever it is and, you know, don't go where people don't want us. Seems pretty simple to me.

 

Good point, man.

 

How dare you come in here grandstanding for the cameras and making political speeches! I want you out here of here right now!

 

Hey, hey, no need to get testy.

 

Forget it, man. Let's blow this place. I can tell when I'm not wanted somewhere.

 

Don't you think you owe us an apology?

 

All right, sorry if we harshed your buzz and, you know, crashed your little party.

 

Later:

 

So what's up for tomorrow, man?

 

Well, I hear there's a funeral for a local cop across town tomorrow morning.

 

Should be a lot of cameras there.

 

Right on. And what better place to talk to the press about police brutality?

 

You are a genius, man.

 

Hey, how do you think I got to be Lieutenant Governor?

 

CSI: Mayberry

Whatcha got there, Barn?

 

 

Appears to be a cow-pie, Andy.

 

 

You sure about that?

 

 

Can't really be sure unless we take it back to the lab for testing.

 

 

Now, Barney, you know the closest lab is way out in Mount Pilot, and I'm not about to walk in there with what might very well be a cow-pie.

 

 

Well, then I don't know how we're gonna figure out what this is.

 

 

Why don't you just poke it with a stick?

 

 

I suppose I could do that.

 

 

You go on and get a stick, I'll wait here.

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Got it.

 

 

Well, go ahead and poke it.

 

 

Yep, it's a cow-pie.

 

 

Looks like it.

 

 

Yep.

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Yyyeaaah (sigh).

 

 

...

 

 

Guess we should head back to the office.

 

 

Yep.

Tune in next week for another exiting episode of 'CSI: Mayberry'.

The Dude Comments On The Various Complexities And Subtleties Of The Sitemeter Counter Used By Many Bloggers (And By The TTLB Ecosystem)

"Dude, Sitemeter blows!"

Judge John Roberts, Come On Down!

Thank you for your remarks, Judge Roberts, and for your patience. We have a long session ahead of us and I know the members of this committee are anxious to ask you a few questions, so I yield to my colleague from Delaware, Senator Joseph Biden.

 

 

 

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, good morning, Judge. I have a few very direct questions, and I'm sure you intend to provide me with direct answers.

 

 

 

I'll do my best, Senator.

 

 

 

So, which square do you want?

 

 

 

What??

 

 

 

Looks like we've still got Kathy Griffin, Gene Simmons...How about Jimmy 'JJ' Walker?

 

 

 

Jimmy Walker?

 

 

 

Good call - what's up, Jimmy?

 

 

 

I'm just chillin', Joe. You know, this is the first time I've been to a hearing where I'm not the hearee. I kinda like it.

 

 

 

Good one, man! So, given what you know, or rather what you don't know about John Roberts, what effect do you think his appointment would have on issues such as abortion and civil rights?

 

 

 

Well, based on what I've been hearing in the news the past coupla months, I would have to say that he would Dy-no-mite civil rights.

 

 

 

Mr. Chairman, this is very disturbing to me. I would ask my colleagues to think long and hard before voting to confirm someone who intends to dy-no-mite civil rights. I yield to the Senator from California.

 

 

 

I'm not going to dy-no-mite anything - I don't even know what that means!

 

 

 

Good morning, Judge. If I were a Tootsie Roll Pop, what would you do to me if you wanted to get to my chewy Tootsie Roll center?

 

 

 

What kind of question is that?

 

 

 

They're not going to get any easier, Judge. Now, I'm not asking you to tell me how you would rule on any particular case, but I have a responsibility to my constituents to evaluate not only your judicial philosophy, but your temperament, so what is your answer?

 

 

 

I'm not going to answer that question. What does that have to do with...

 

 

 

Very well, let me ask you this: If you walked into a dark room and I was a lamp, what would you do?

 

 

 

I'm not answering that either! This has no bearing on...

 

 

 

Mr. Chairman, I've been on this committee long enough to know when I'm being stonewalled, and so do the American people. I yield for now.

 

 

 

The Chair recognizes the ranking member, Senator Leahy of Vermont.

 

 

 

Thank you, Mr. Chariman, good morning, Judge.

 

 

 

Good morning, Senator.

 

 

 

I hope you don't mind my asking you a couple of boring questions.

 

 

 

Actually, I'd like that very much.

 

 

 

So where were you and your wife the first time you ever made whoopee?

 

 

 

Why in the world would I tell you that?

 

 

 

So that we can get an idea of what kind of person we're being asked to grant a lifetime appointment to the highest court in this land.

 

 

 

The questions you're asking me are completely...

 

 

 

All right, let me ask you this: Would your wife say that when you're between the sheets you're a teddy bear or a grizzly bear?

 

 

 

I'm not any kind of bear - I mean, I'm not answering any personal...

 

 

 

Mr. Chairman, in all my time on this committee I have never encountered a nominee so resistant to questioning, and quite frankly I'm starting to have some serious concerns about Judge Roberts' ability to...

 

 

 

The questions you're asking don't have anything...

 

 

 

I yield to the Senator from Illinois.

 

 

 

Judge Roberts, I've been very straightforward with you since your nomination was first announced, and I have to say I'm disappointed with your reluctance to answer even basic questions this morning.

 

 

 

I just don't understand what...

 

 

 

So here's the first question: The category is Law That You Will Overturn If Appointed.

 

 

 

Category?? What are you talking about??

 

 

 

Should be pretty easy - we've already filled in most of the answer for you.

 

 

 

I can't answer that.

 

 

 

Do you need another letter?

 

 

 

No, it's just...

 

 

 

Do you want to buy a vowel?

 

 

 

I know what it says, but I am not going to answer that question.

 

 

 

I give up, Mr. Chairman. I've gone out of my way to accomodate the Judge, and he still refuses to answer my question. I yield to the senior Senator from Massachusetts.

 

 

 

Take it, Teddy!

 

 

 

Judge Roberts, is your family here with you?

 

 

 

My wife's here, but why...

 

 

 

Is she going to help you answer questions?

 

 

 

Why would my wife help me answer questions?

 

 

 

Suit yourself, but unless you have help, The Village People are going to wipe the floor with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What are those people doing here?

 

 

 

Those people? Those people?? Mr. Chairman, I hope the good people of this country are watching, because this is a textbook example of the kind of bigotry and homophobia I would expect from someone who....

 

 

 

I just want to know what's going...

 

 

 

I know exactly what you want, Judge. You want an America where there's no room at the inn for The Village People. An America where...

 

 

 

What are you talking about? What is going on here???

 

 

 

Mr. Chairman, I'd like the record to reflect the nominee's hostile attitude toward the members of this committee.

 

 

 

Gotcha covered, babe!

 

 

 

Mr Chairman, I expected to answer some tough questions today, but I have to say in all honesty that this hearing is a circus!

 

 

 

Judge Roberts, we take very seriously our duties as members of this committee, so I take exception to that last remark. I'm calling a recess until tomorrow morning, I suggest you consider being a little more cooperative and forthcoming when we convene again.

The Latest In Liberal Fashion

Clerk:
Welcome, can I help you find something?

Shopper:
I'm looking for a T-shirt with a good slogan that expresses my feelings on the threat of terrorism.

Clerk:
Oh, I've got just the thing over here on the right side of the store. We just got these 'I do not consent to being blown up' shirts in this morning. What do you think?

Shopper
I'm not wearing that right-wing crap! What kind of fascist store are you running here?

Clerk:
No problem, I think we've got something that will suit your taste over here on the left side of the store. Here you go, this little number says 'I Heart Terrorists.' Nice, huh?

Shopper
Don't you think that's a little ambiguous? I mean who are they calling terrorists?

Clerk:
I couldn't agree more, which is why I like this one - 'US is a Terrorist Nation.'

Shopper
That's good, but I'm not crazy about the colors.

Clerk:
I know, I can't for the life of me figure out why they would use red, white and blue. How about 'The Chickens Are Coming Home to Roost' - see, George Bush's head on the body of a chicken. Very chic.

Shopper
It would be better if he had a Hitler mustache.

Clerk:
So true. How about 'I Don't Consent to Being Searched'?

Shopper
A little tame for me.

Clerk:
'US Out of Everywhere But the US?'

Shopper
Do you have anything more, you know, reality-based?

Clerk:
We have a great selection of Che Guevara shirts.

Shopper
Are you kidding? I've got a closet full of those. Besides, I want something more 'regional', you know what I mean?

Clerk:
Oh, I know! We just got this in. Here we are, it's kind of wordy, but I think you'll like it. It says 'I demand that the US government do everything in its power to protect me, provided I don't have to go through the hassle of removing my shoes at the airport or opening my bag in the subway station, and...

Sorry, it continues on the back here...

...I reserve the right to bitterly criticize the government and demand to know why this country was not being better protected should another attack occur.'

Shopper
Perfect! I'll take five.

 

More from Ace, Michelle, Confederate Yankee.

You People Make Me Sick!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

UPDATE: My bad, seems it's some other people that make me sick.

UPDATE II: No need to be ashamed of yourselves.

UPDATE III: Not that I know of, anyway.

UPDATE IV: Now that I think of it you've probably done something you should be ashamed of.

Beagle Sticking His Head Out of a Car Window Comments On Bush's Nomination of John Roberts For Supreme Court Justice

Hey, you know what's really good?

Cat poop.

Seriously, it's delicious! Especially when it's been in the litter box for a while. I think those two flavors just go really well together, kind of like chocolate and peanut butter. Or maybe the litter somehow allows the turds to age without being directly exposed to oxygen. Whatever the reason, the only thing better than a cat turd is a cat turd that's been in the litter box for a while (bit not too long!).

Man, I could really go for some cat poop right now.

Hey, are you going to Costco by any chance? If you are I'd really like some of those 'chicken jerky' treats. Those things rock. They can't hold a candle to a good cat turd, but they're damned tasty.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah - Roberts.

I don't know, I haven't been following politics much lately. Michelle Malkin has a good roundup of reactions here and here. I like Michelle Malkin. Hey, she's no cat poop, but she's good at what she does.

John Roberts' First Reaction Upon Hearing That John Roberts Was Bush's Nominee For Supreme Court Justice

YES! Sweet! Hey, Schieffer - bite me you f**king fossil!

Everyone knows I should have gotten Rather's job, you hack.

And tell that a-hole Moonves he can kiss my ass! Maybe I'll snatch that cheap rug off his head while he's suck...What? It's not? Oh...yeah...that John...uhhhh....Back to you, Bob!

Miles and Jack From 'Sideways' Review 'Sideways'

Hey Miles, can I ask you a question?

Sure, Jack.

Why did so many people think this was such a great movie? Because it wasn't actually very good.

I don't know, man. I guess there's no accounting for taste.

I think it was just a bad movie. In fact, I think it was really bad.

I know, I know.

There just wasn't much to like about it at all.

I hear you, man.

I mean, it really sucked, man, it...

All right!! I get it! The movie sucked!

Do you think maybe it was the characters? You think maybe people just liked the characters?

Which characters - the ones that are screwed up, the ones that are screwing people over or the ones that are getting screwed over?

Well, there's you. You're a pretty likeable guy

Oh yeah - what did I do that was so damned likeable?

Well, you visited your mom the night before her birthday. You didn't have to do that.

Oh yeah, I did do that, didn't I?

You sure did, buddy! Then we drank as much of her booze as we could and you stole a few hundred bucks from her dresser drawer.

Oh....right. I forgot about that.

Oh, come on, man! She doesn't need it. She's old, and you...well, you're still...you know...middle-aged. And we needed money to buy booze

Thanks. I feel much better now.

Hey, and you really helped me out a lot. You're a good friend, man.

Helped you out how?

Well, when I was cheating on my fiancée, you backed me up on all the lies I told her. Oh, and all the lies I told that chick I was screwing around with.

Right. Thanks for reminding me.

It takes a special kind of guy to do that.

Can we just not talk about...

I mean, you have to have a really good poker face, you have to be able to keep a story straight so you don't get caught, you really need to...

Can we talk about something else...please?

And you do know your wine.

Now that's true.

I mean sure, you are kind of a Pinot snob, but...

What?
	I'm just saying, if I wanted to maybe get a nice Merlot...
Hey, nobody's drinking any f**king Merlot!
	Cool it, man! I don't want any Merlot, I was just making a point.
Sorry, you just touched a nerve.
	Oh, I know! Your book! You wrote that book, man.
That's right - I'm an author!
.	Of course, you can't find a publisher that will touch it, but that doesn't mean..
Hey, can we just not talk for a while? I'm gettin' a little depressed going over all the reasons I'm so f**king likeable, so why don't we just shut up for a while, OK?
	Hey, no problem, Miles.
.....
	You're really good at driving while you're drunk.
You're not helping!
	Sorry.

 

Burger King: INXS

Tre over at 21st Century Paladin has been blogging "Rock Star: INXS", but somehow he missed this episode.

 

Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?

 

 

Picture this, my friend: Thousands of people packed into a stadium, all waiting to see INXS - one of the world's greatest bands, and you are the one who just served them lunch. It's a dream come true, and I'm here to make it happen for you, my brother.

 

 

What are you talking about?

 

 

Rock on!

 

 

Who are you?

 

 

I'm Dave Navarro. But you and I are no different, my friend. I put my pants on one leg at a time just as you do.

 

 

Ummm, OK.

 

 

But once my pants are on, I accessorize with a feather boa and a cool hat.

 

 

Why are you telling me this?

 

 

And I have a pierced nipple.

 

 

Yuk!

 

 

You know, the band would really love to place their own order, but they're going to be very busy laying down their next album, so for now I'll be acting as their liaison.

 

 

What band?

 

 

It's true, mate. Dave speaks for the band.

 

 

Who are you?

 

 

You ask a lot of questions, and that's good. That's just what we're looking for.

 

 

Did you want to order or what?

 

 

I know what you're going through, man. You know, when I joined the Chili Peppers they were like a 'crew' at a 'business' that existed long before I got there and I had to fit in. I had to make it my own, man.

 

 

I'm sorry, we don't have chili peppers here.

 

 

That's good feedback, mate. That's just the kind of thing we're looking for.

 

 

Look, if you're not going to order I need you to move out of the way and let the other customers through.

 

 

Yes! You nailed it, mate. You were assertive, aggressive and efficient. A great performance.

 

 

I'm not sure what's going on here, but...

 

 

I know how you feel, bro. When I left Jane's Addiction I really didn't know what was going on, what I was going to do with my life. I had to do some serious soul searching.

 

 

Hi, I'm Brooke Burke. I play a vital role in this process.

 

 

What process? I really don't know what any of you are talking about.

 

 

He's got a point there. The process needs work.

 

 

All right, it looks like we have some work to do. The process isn't clear, and that's not fair to you as an artist. We'll be back next week.

 

 

OK, well thanks for...

 

 

We'll be back next week!

 

 

What a bunch of weirdos. Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?

 

 

I'm Ryan Seacrest, and this is American Burger.

 

 

I wonder if Taco Bell is hiring.

Wilson and Schumer: Kind Of Like Martin and Lewis, Only Funnier

I managed to pick up a few screen caps of Joe Wilson's pathetic joint press conference with Chuck Schumer today. Here's a transcript of some of the highlights - or maybe I should say lowlights.

 

"Thank you for joining Senator Schumer and me for this..."

 

Wait a minute - who the hell are you?

 

"I'm Joe Wilson."

 

You're not Joe Wilson.

 

"Hey, you went to 'Google images' and looked up Joe Wilson and this picture came up, so obviously I am. If you don't believe me, ask Chuck Schumer."

 

"He's Joe Wilson, I'll vouch for him."

 

Oh come on now - you're not Chuck Schumer.

 

"I think Google images would disagree with you on that."

 

Your picture coming up when someone searches Google images doesn't mean anything. That happens because some jackass...

 

"Someone call me?"

 

No one called you.

 

"I distinctly heard someone say 'jackass', and if you Google 'jackass' this picture..."

 

I know, I know. Look, I was just explaining to Joe Wils...to this guy that those pictures only come up because of some moronic...

 

"What can I do for you?"

 

No one's talking to you, dickweed!

 

"Yo - what's up?"

 

This is getting really annoying.

 

"You rang, wingnut?"

 

Al right, look - the only reason your pictures are coming up in Google is because the search engine can only search against whatever name someone has given the image file. It's not very accurate.

 

"I think it's pretty accurate. If you search for 'reporter' my picture comes up."

 

Ummm...yeah, OK. Listen, I'm just saying it's a screwed up...

 

"Someone looking for me?"

 

Damn it! I've had it. I was going to put up a post but this is really pissing me off. I'm outta here. This sucks.

 

"OK, I know someone called me that time."

 

UPDATE: Who. Is. Robin Hardy?

McCain and Vaughn On Gitmo "Torture"

Via Sludge:

UNITED States interrogators at Guantanamo Bay subjected a suspected terrorist to abusive and degrading treatment, forcing him to wear a bra, dance with another man and behave like a dog, military investigators said yesterday.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ):
Sounds like a slammin' party at that Gitmo dude's house!

Vince Vaughn:
WOOF!

 

Looks Like I'll Be Having a Pleasant Tomorrow

Guest post by Dan Rather

Good evenings folks, welcome to my computer communication. Now that CBS is starting its own blog, it's all but certain your humble correspondent is about to embark on the next phase of his journalistic journey through history by taking that big on-ramp to the information superhighway (tip of the Stetson to President Gore).

So the pajamas are on, the cheese doodles are within reach, a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew is icing down in the fridge, and believe it or not, this dude's got a Dell.

But when you get right down to it, there's really nothing new here except the medium; news is news and writing is writing, and this reporter takes great pride in the fact that he's always written his own copy (except for a couple of stories we did late in 2004 that were basically handed to me just seconds before the old "On Air" sign lit up. But, as the kids say, that was then, this is now, and if a frog had side pockets - well, you know).

I want to assure all of you that I'm going to approach this thing with a fresh, original style that's sure to delight my soon-to-be loyal readers while confounding the partisan political operatives who make up the vast majority of the so-called blogosphere.

So, my computer-savvy friends, in closing me just say LOL, IIRC, OMG, MSG, BYOB, WTF, IMHO and LMAO.

And until the next post: Courage.

I mean: Heh.

Busy Today

Talk amongst yourselves.

And behave, will you?

No parties! And clean up after yourselves if you make a mess.

Don't fight with your brother.

I know what's in the liquor cabinet and the fridge, I expect to find it there when I get back.

Just ignore Jeff and Pile, otherwise you'll only encourage them.

tee bee, I expect you to set an example for the others. Don't disappoint me.

Have fun! Just not too much.

UPDATE: Sorry, still busy.

And you are in trouble. Yes, I'm talking to you. Don't look at me like that - you know what you did. In fact, I want you to tell everyone here what you did. Go ahead, we're waiting.

Ask Mr. Stick Figure!

It's time for another installment of "Ask Mr. Stick Figure," where readers turn to Mr. Stick Figure for answers to the questions that they want answered, which is...uh...why they ask him the questions. Because, you know, they want answers. To their questions, I mean.

 

Reader "basil" (last name withheld because he didn't tell us his last name) submitted the following question:

Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

With a new justice being appointed following Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement, do you think that there's any real chance that Roe v. Wade will be overturned?

 

Dude, what the f**k is that, some kind of code? How about asking a question about politics or popular culture or something instead of dropping names of people nobody knows and expecting me to answer?

Look, I'm a busy guy. I have commitments, I have to earn a living and I don't get paid for this gig, but John and I go way back so I agreed to do this for him, but the least you can do is come up with a question that I might actually be able to answer.

 

"Dave from G.R." writes:

Mr. Stick Figure,

I'm pretty sure "basil" (don't know his last name) was referring to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, and Roe v. Wade was the landmark United States Supreme Court decision which established that laws against abortion violate a constitutional right to privacy.

Oh, well excuse the hell out of me! In case you brainiacs haven't noticed, I'm a stick figure! You know what that means, don't you? NO GENITALS. So pardon me for not keeping up with something that has absolutely no relevance to my life. Next!

 

Reader "Florida C." asks: Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

As I'm sure you know, there's been a lot of talk in financial markets lately about why long-term interest rates aren't rising as fast as short-term rates, and some ecomonists are saying that there's a chance that short-term Treasury yields could rise above long-term rates. Right now my portflio is about 50/50 stocks and bonds. Where should I have my money?

Wait, let me get this straight; you're asking me - a stickman - what you should do with your life savings. Is that what you're asking? If it is, you might a well sell everything you have and flush all your cash down the john, because you're going to be out on the street pretty soon anyway. What kind of moron are you? Have you heard of financial planners? How about brokers? Have you heard of brokers?

Let me ask you a serious question: Do you have kids? Totally serious here, did you procreate? Because if you did, I'm going to give some serious thought to that Joe B. Wade thing the other moron was talking about.

 

What the hell is wrong with you people? What a bunch of losers. Have we become a nation of blithering idiots, or is that just the kind of crowd that hangs out on these 'blogs'? Sorry John, but I cannot work like this. I need a drink.

 

Do I Have To Spell This Out For You?

Guest post by Jeanene Garofolo.

No one actually asked me to post here, but then again no one said I couldn't, so prepare to be Garofolized, rethuglicans!

What a surprise - the Chimp Executive Oaficer can't get his oversized head (or his undersized brain) around why it is that Muslims, who we all know are usually a peace-loving people, would actually lash out at the flocks of lilly-white Aryan sheep in the US and UK. How's this for an explanation: We're attacking them! What else can they do in the face of this regime's oppressive policies?

The whole f**king world hates us because the neocons pulling the strings of the BushCo hegemonistration decided that a good response to the events of 9/11 would be to bomb the shit out of any country that has substantial oil reserves, resists converting to their perverted fundamentalist version of Christianity, or pissed off one of their family members in the past. So they just pissed away all the goodwill and sympathy this country enjoyed on September 12, 2001. Way to go, tards.

All right, so maybe the purple-fingered zombies who voted in the rigged election in Iraq say they like us, but what else are they going to say? How honest would you be if some right-wing BushCo mouthpiece from Fox News shoved an electronic phallic symbol in your face, screaming questions at you while a trigger-happy American jarhead was standing just a few feet away with a loaded weapon?

And what about President Lame-Brain's domestic policies? Well, let's see - we have the so-called "Patriot" Act (talk about an Orwellian name - do you even know Orwell's work? Have you even seen 1984?), freedom of speech is now verboten. How else do you explain the the fact that Air America is having trouble getting sponsors?

Who said "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism"? Was it Orwell? I don't remember hearing that line, but it sounds like something right out of one of his screenplays. But here in Jesusland, dissent isn't allowed, so we're basically being deprived of our right to express our patriotism. And no, I'm not talking about phony, flag-waving "Oh this is the greatest country on earth" patriotism, I'm talking about hard-core dissent. I'm talking about letting people know just how much this country really sucks. Now that's patriotic.

So why can't you people see the solution? We just wait till we're attacked again - and you know we will be, the way we're pissing people off. But this time we don't do anything in retaliation. We just sit back and enjoy the goodwill. Then the real patriots launch a massive, coordinated show of patriotism by sticking it to the crooks in the White House as loudly and as often as possible. No holds barred, man - the stolen election, the ties to corporate criminals, the inescapable similarities to Hitler - we let it all hang out.

Think about it: Every country in the world will be standing in solidarity with us, one of the most patriotic - truly patriotic - and peaceful countries in the entire world.

With ideas like this, I should be the freaking president. Dream on, wingnuts.

Update: Jeanene Garofolo did not write this. It's satire.

Who Do You People Think You're Dealing With?

Guest post by Lawrence O'Donnell

You losers can cram it! You think I haven't read the comments here and on other blogs and web sites? Where do you get off questioning my bona fides? (That's right, I'm multilingual). I'm not some piss-ant blogger, you know. Before I became a renowned political analyst, I made quite a name for myself in the entertainment industry. Don't believe me? Check out my list of accomplishments at Entertainment Weekly Online:

Right here.

OK, so it's a little light, but do you have an EW page? I didn't think so.

And I don't care what you think of my politics, only a LIAR would say that they weren't at least somewhat impressed with my own television career. Until recently (I think it was some time back in October or November of last year) I was a senior political analyst for MSNBC:

 

 

Oh come one, that wasn't a picture from MSNBC!

 

 

I guess it was. Well, I was also asked to appear on The Dennis Miller Show, where I made quite an impression:

 

 

Now that was definitely not from my Dennis Miller appearance!

 

 

OK, my bad. Well, whoever that was, I'm sure she had it coming. Who cares about television anyway? That's 'old media,' and I'm into the whole online thing now. As you probably know, I am a regular contributor at The Huffington Post. That's right, as in Arianna Huffington. Perhaps you've heard of her.

What does it mean to be asked to post at The Post? It's an all-star panel over there, and unlike the right-wing Republican talking points sites most of you are probably accustomed to reading, The Post is all about diversity. Alan Dershowitz is a contributor, and so is Tom Hayden. You could hardly call those two left-wing hacks, eh?

Arianna only invites the most accomplished personalities in media and politics to join her team. I'm rubbing elbows with uhh....let's see...Oh! Jim Lampley is a....actually, let's talk about some of the other writers. Oh, Craig Crawford - you know, that guy on TV who sounds like he's doing a really bad Bill Clinton impression? Then there's...ah, Chris Meserole. Who is Chris Meserole, you ask? Well, take a look at his bio:

In 1996 I received a full scholarship to Phillips Academy...traveled regionally as much as I could, and learned what it means to truly listen...graduated with highest honors...Thereafter life has been the typical postcollegiate mess. One year spent struggling in Los Angeles, another teaching in Europe, several odd jobs in between....

WTF? Has this guy ever had an actual job? Is he published? Has he been on television? I mean, um, that's probably what some people would say. OK, so maybe there are some lightweights at The Post, but I know all of the writers and they're GREAT! Every one of them is GREAT!! And anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR! A CREEPY LIAR!

Here's the bottom line: I don't give a rat's ass what a bunch of caffeine-swilling blog groupies (who probably only leave their mother's basement when McDonalds is giving away the latest Star Wars action figures with every Happy Meal) say about me when they type out their snide comments between games of Dungeons of the Dragon. You and your opinions mean nothing to me, nor should they.

Do I think I'm better than you? Yes, but maybe we should ask the people what they think. So consider this: My last Scarborough Country appearance resulted in a record number of calls, letters and e-mails, and that record stands to this day. Suck on that, losers.

Who's Your Daddy?

Guest post by Lawrence O'Donnell

All I want is a little respect and recognition. Is that too much to ask in return for giving you the BIGGEST NEWS STORY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WRITTEN WORD?

When I originally broke the story -- first on the McLaughlin Group, and then in the first of three posts at the Huffington Post -- that Time magazine's emails on the Valerie Plame story would implicate Karl Rove as Matt Cooper's one and only source, I also told you (before anyone else) that Newsweek would be doing a story on the subject, and warned you to brace yourselves for the inevitable media firestorm.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE POST, chumps. It started with the Newsweek article. Then, uh...well, there's the Newsweek article, aaaand...well, maybe people are still recovering from the long weekend. I'm sure Keith Olbermann will cover it.

What I really want to say is, when the media frenzy does begin -- and it will -- precipitating a landslide of articles and columns confirming the possibility that Rove may have been one of Matt Cooper's sources, don't forget where you heard it first.

And when the talking heads on cable can't stop talking about the fact that Karl Rove almost certainly knows someone who has at some point in time spoken with someone who may or may not have been acquainted with someone who knows someone who works (or worked) for Time magazine, possibly even at or about the same time that Matt Cooper worked there, remember whe really broke the story.

Lawrence O'Donnell.

And when the day comes that Karl Rove is finally forced to admit under oath that he has heard of (and maybe even read) Time magazine, don't forget who gave you this gift.

That's right: Lawrence Freakin' O'Donnell.

You're welcome.

 

Fox News Reporters Have More Fun

We interrupt this program for a Fox News Special Alert

 

 

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Page Hopkins with the latest on the situation in Aruba. As of this moment it appears that there is no new information to report, so let's go to Laurie Dhue for the latest details on this lack of developments.

 

 

Thanks Page, we have...

 

 

Hey, I apologize Jane, I thought Laurie was going to be doing this segment.

 

 

I am Laurie.

 

 

Oh. Sorry, for a second I thought you were Jane Skinner.

 

 

Hey, I'll take that as a compliment. So as I was saying, we have been able to confirm through multiple sources that there is in fact no new information to report, and as usual our own Greta van Susteren has the details.

 

 

Thanks Juliet, tonight we're...

 

 

It's Laurie.

 

 

What?

 

 

You called me Juliet. It's Laurie Dhue, I think you have me mixed up with Juliet Huddy.

 

 

Gosh, I'm sorry, Laurie.

 

 

I'm Juliet Huddy.

 

 

Right, I don't know how I could have made that mistake.
Folks we're live from Aruba once again, and tonight I'll take you on a tour of the alley behind the bar at the center of this controversy, where you'll see a dried puddle of what appears to be vomit. Could this be the vomit of a villiain or is it just the upchuck of an innocent bystander? Find out tonight when we go On The Record.

 

 

Thanks for that update, Greta.

 

 

Sure thing, Jennifer.

 

 

It's Page Hopkins, Greta.

 

 

Wow, I could have sworn for a second you were Jennifer Eccleston - my bad.

 

 

Actually Greta, I'm Jennifer Eccleston.

 

 

Aren't you Jane Skinner?

 

 

No, I'm...Oh wait, you're right. Sorry, that's the third time this week I've done that.

 

 

No problem Jen -- I mean Jane. And now with the weather, here's...is that Martha McCallum?

 

 

No, it's Janice Dean.

 

 

Damn! I was close.

 

 

What do you mean close? We've been working together for three years and you still don't recognize me?

 

 

Oh, come on, Bridget, you have to admit that you and she do look a lot alike.

 

 

Janice!

 

 

No, I'm Page.

 

 

No, you just called me Bridget. Who the hell is Bridget, anyway?

 

 

Isn't there a Bridget that works here? Tall, blonde, wears a lot of lipstick?

 

 

I have no idea. Let's ask Megyn Kendall - Megyn, is there a Bridget that works here?

 

 

I'm not Megyn Kendall, I'm Martha McCallum.

 

 

Good one Megyn!

 

 

I'm not kidding - I'm not Megyn, I'm Martha!

 

 

Wow, you and Megyn could be sisters. Don't you think so, Linda?

 

 

For the last time - I'm not Linda Vester, I'm Lis Wiehl.

 

 

Right, sorry. It's just that your, uh...your names sound alike.

 

 

I was just saying the same thing to Alisyn Camerota yesterday, remember Alisyn?

 

 

No, what I remember of our conversation yesterday was me telling you for the umpteenth time that my name is Linda Vester.

 

 

Lighten up, will you? I'm sure Caludia gets the two of you confused, don't you Claudia?

 

 

I'm Alisyn Camerota!

 

 

Hey, it was an honest mistake, no need to lose your cool. I'm just going to throw it to Molly Hennenberg - Molly?

 

 

Well I guess you could if Molly were here.

 

 

Oh, right. Sorry, uh...uh...

 

 

Brigitte Quinn! It's Brigitte Quinn! You see me every freaking day!

 

 

I knew there was a Bridget here somewhere! That's it for this special report - and now, a special holiday wish from our own Uma Pemmaraju.

 

 

Thank you Page, and indeed we do want to extend a very special thanks to all of our viewers on this fourth of July...

 

 

Uma, something seems different about you, what is it?

 

 

I don't know. I got a new jacket, maybe that's it.

 

 

Well it looks great, you're going to have to tell me where you got it. Good night everyone, and thanks for tuning in to Fox News.

 

UPDATE: Have you heard this famous blonde is retiring?

MSNBC fans might enjoy Chris Matthews' interview with Jed Clampett.

If you're a Fox watcher, you might prefer Bill O'Reilly's Yoda interview.

Or The IHOP Factor.