Ask Mr. Stick Figure (Again)

Time for another installment of "Ask Mr. Stick Figure", where readers ask Mr. Stick Figure questions so that he can answer them. Which is, umm, why they ask him questions. You know, so he will answer them. I guess that's kind of self-explanatory. So I didn't really need to explain it.

Reader "Pile O." asks:

Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

Why do you think the London bombing suspects were willing to be taken alive? Weren't they suicide bombers? This doesn't make sense to me.

 

Hel-LO? What doesn't make sense to you? Let's work through this: What's the opposite of being taken alive? Let's see, could it be.....being taken dead? Ding-ding-ding-ding! Winner!

Readers "Steve and Robbo" ask:

Mr. Stick Figure,

We watched some of the debate in the House over the proposed CAFTA bill on C-Span this weekend, and we couldn't help but notice that many Democrats who talk about 'losing' manufacturing jobs like to say that "These were good paying jobs." Aren't these same Democrats always saying that people working in the manufacturing sector are underpaid, and barely able to make ends meet?

 

What are you guys, conjoined twins? Watching TV together, writing e-mails together - spend some time apart, already! As for your question, allow me to point out the obvious: They're Democrats!

Of course any job they claim has been 'lost' on Bush's watch was a good-paying job, the same way that a trade agreement from a Republican administration is bad, even though the same kind of agreement from a Democratic president was the greatest thing since sliced campaign contributions.

Remember the rules for Democrats: Bush does it - bad. Dem does it - good. Things Dems would like to do, if only the Republicans would let them - would change the world as we know it (for the better, of course).

 

We received this e-mail from "Sue Bob":

Mr. Stick Figure,

I think that "Pile O." was alluding to the fact that the bombing suspects apprehended in London intended to kill themselves in the failed attacks. That being the case, one wonders why they would allow the police to take them alive.

 

Are you people dense? Did you even read my answer to his question? The police who captured those scumbags had GUNS. If they shot said guns, those pukes would be DEAD. Sleeping with the fishes. Taking the dirt nap. El muerte. Comprende? Why are you people having such such a hard time grasping this concept?

 

Reader "Eric" (or is it "Vince"? We can't figure it out) writes:

Dear Mr. Stick Figure,

I think what Pile and Sue Bob were trying to point out is that...

 

ENOUGH with this already! If you people can't understand something this simple, then you're just hopeless. Next subject.

 

"Gordon" sent in the following question:

Hey, Mr. Stick Figure,

What do you think of the judge who sentenced the so-called "Millennium Bomber" to a total of just 22 years, meaning he'll be eligible for parole in just 14 years?

 

What do I think? I think that (BLEEP) judge should be (BLEEP) by his (BLEEP) and have a (BLEEP) (BLEEP) up his (BLEEP) until his (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) and his (BLEEP) turns (BLEEP). That's what I think.

Then he should have the same thing done a second time for his ignorant, sanctimonious lecture from the bench to the Bush administration, in which he makes the ridiculous assertion that (BLEEP) terrorists who come into this country with the intent to kill US citizens shouldn't be tried by military tribunals. If this clown had his way, there's a good chance some (BLEEP) Nazi spy would be living in my neighborhood after serving his 12 years (with 5 years off for 'good behavior') and would probably be on some kind of government assistance. Wouldn't that be nice? What a dick!

 

WuzzaDem reader "Sobek" sent this in:

Mr. Stick Figure,

Just wanted to inform you that I've completed the bar exam, and I'll find out in October whether or not I passed.

 

Oh, thank God! Maybe if we keep cranking people out of law school at this rate, someday we'll end the crippling shortage of lawyers in this country. And since we seem to have so many brain donors reading: That was sarcasm! By the way, Clarence Darrow, you were supposed submit a question. Didn't they teach you the difference between a question and a statement in law school? If not, please let me know when you try your first case - it should be very interesting.

 

Next, reader "Jeffh" asks:

Mr. Stick Figure,

I'm not happy about the sentence that judge handed down either, but are you sure you should be saying those kinds of things about an officer of the court?

 

Hey, Einstein, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a stick figure, so there are certain societal norms that don't apply to me. I can talk smack all day long, and there's not a damned thing anyone can do about it, so kiss my ass, you pansy!

 

And, finally, "Mrs. R." says:

Mr. Stick Figure,

While you may be able to say whatever you want without worrying about the consequences, what about the person who hosts this blog? Didn't he give you a forum to state your views and opinions? Aren't you worried he might be blamed for any controversy arising from something you've said?

 

Hey, John can bite me! Gave me a forum? You must be joking! He practically begged me to do this! "You gotta help me out, Stick Figure. I'm out of ideas. I need content." Hey, you needed ideas a long time ago, dude. People are fed up with the whole "Google" shtick, you know. And, come on - Andy Griffith?? Talk about desperate!

And John didn't keep his end of the bargain, either. He promised me I'd get some intelligent questions this time, but you people are dumber than the last bunch of morons I had to deal with. I'm going out to get sh*t-faced now.

Comments

[Michael]

You light up my life, John.

[Jeff H]

Hey, Debbie Boone: a candle up your rear would light up your life, too, but you wouldn't go post a comment on the candle's blog thanking it, now would you?

Sticky: you're already s***-faced; don't you own a mirror?

[Michael]

Jeff:

Take your meds, buddy.

[Mr. Stick Figure]

Gee, I hate to break up this modern-day version of 'Love Story', but do you two really need to waste bandwidth?

Don't you think it's bad enough that you're consuming oxygen that might be put to better use?

[Sue Bob]

Still choking on that cornbread! Almost snorted it out my nose upon reading this!!

[Mr. Stick Figure]

What is that, some kind of new 'drug lingo'? Aren't you a lawyer??

Great, so we've got a lawyer who's going to court stoned out of her mind on 'cornbread', whatever that is.

Disgusting.

This country's going to hell in a handbasket, I tell you!

[KJ]

You are a real stick in the mud do0d.

[Nickie Goomba]

Man, I hate that f*cking stick figure what with his sh*t-eating smirk and his little swagger. Little sh*t.

Honey, get daddy another Pabst.

[Mr. Stick Figure]

Hey, I'm not exactly thrilled to be sharing the planet with you either, pizza-face!

However, I'm not too big to offer a little safety advice:

As soon as you've downed about 8 or 9 of those cans of piss-water, I want you to jump in the car and drive as fast as you can to the nearest police station and ask for one of their road safety brochures. And make sure you close your eyes so you don't get queasy while you're driving.

[Eric Or Vince]

It's Vinnie, no-nuts. Don't look at me, John gave me that nickname. The "Mad Dog" came after watching Mr. Stick figure digging through the dumpsters.

[Jeff H]

John gave you the nickname "no-nuts"? How does know such intimate details of your genitalia?

[Sobek]

You've got a lawsuit on your hands, Mr. Stick Figure.

[Mr. Stick Figure]

Bring it on, esoteric-boy!

[Joseph]

These {BLEEP} won't leave me alone.That means you!

[johnny]

ok bob i must ask if i was a girl do you think guys would lke me even thou they already do