WuzzaDem

And Now:

Without any assistance whatsoever - no electronic communication devices, no help from any confederates in the audience or elsewhere, no hidden wires, no advanced preparation of any kind, and ideed, nothing up my sleeve - I will attempt, relying solely on my powers of intuition and Extra Sensory Perception, to tell you the subject of my next post.

Ahh, I can see it....Yes! It's...it's...it's...

QUIET! I'm trying to focus, here.

All right. It's becoming more clear to me now...oh, it looks very funny, too!

Can't...quite....make...out...

Damn! I almost had it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must ask for complete and total silence from the audience.

Once again, I'm focusing my powers...attempting to see into the future itself.

Yes, I see it now! I will be posting...cheese enchiladas! Yes! Cheese enchiladas with authentic mole-style sauce!

Wait a minute. That's not what I'm going to post, that's what I had for lunch.

That's not even in the future. That kinda sucks.

I know, I'll do a card trick instead. Pick a card. Go ahead, any card. Don't let me see it!

Now, put it back in the deck. I'll shuffle....then shuffle some more...here, cut the deck.

And...Is this your card? It's not? Are you sure? You're positive?

Just forget it, all right? You people are making too much noise.

I'll tell you what my post will be just before it goes up. Oh! Better yet, I'll just post it, then you'll know what it is. Yes, that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that before?

 

Resist!

(Party Kool-Aid)

 

Update: Don't do it!

Update II: You drank it, didn't you?

Update III: Didn't I warn you?

Update IV: OK, that's enough! You're going to OD!

Update V: Use your will power! I know it looks good, but you'll be sorry later. It does look really good. Actually, I'm really thirsty right now. Maybe just one little.....NOOOOO! That was close. Like I said, it looks good (really good), but you will regret it later.

Come to think of it, once you take a drink, you might not even be cognizant of the fact that....NOOOO!!!!!

Resistance Is Futile!

"We're tracking down a few holdouts, Mr. Rove, but
other than that, everything's going according to plan."

Oprah: The Humiliation and Degradation of the Drive-Thru

Hasn't the woman suffered enough?

I'm afraid there's a problem with your order, ma'am.

A problem? That problem wouldn't have to do with the fact that I'm black, would it?

No, it's just that you've ordered three Big Macs...

Oh, I see. You think you can tell a black woman how much she can eat.

Look, I didn't know you were black until you told me, and I don't care...

Oh. My. God. I can't believe you just told me that you don't care about me just because I'm black...

That's not what I said!

This is it! This is my crash moment!

Crash? Did you have an accident with another car out there??

Oh, so now you're insinuating that I can't drive just because I'm black!

That's not what I meant...

I never thought I would experience racism on such a personal level!

Ma'am, I'm just trying to get your order straightened out here.

Oh, now I know why the caged bird sings!

Excuse me, ma'am...

We shall overco-ome, we shall...

Ma'am, would you please listen to me?

Bring it on! Your abuse has only served to strengthen my resolve.

It's just that you...

I can handle anything you can dish out, girl!

Well, you ordered...

I'm a strong, proud black woman, and I'm not afraid to say that to every person in this drive-thru line, a line that has more than doubled in size in the last few minutes.

It's just that you...

In fact, everyone in this line is now honking and holding their fists up in solidarity. Thank you, my people! Thank you for your support!

Ma'am, would you please listen to me??

What is it?

You ordered three Big Macs...

And?

This is Taco Bell. We don't serve Big Macs here.

Bitch, did I ask you what you served here? I said I want three Big Macs. If you don't have them, then send someone to get them.

I'm afraid we can't do that, ma'am.

OK, you were just pissing me off before, but now you've crossed a line. I'm dedicating an entire show to the shabby service here.

 

Gets Worse For Gitmo

I strongly disagree with Dick Durbin's assessment of the conditions at Guantanamo Bay as being similar to those of the Soviet gulags.

This, however, is torture as far as I'm concerened. It's unacceptable.

Beverly Domain

 

Shifty Shafer
Good afternoon, Mr. Clampett, I'm here to inform you that I'm purchasing your home.

Jed Clampett
Well, it's mighty nice o' you to offer, but the house ain't for sale.

Shifty Shafer
No, you don't understand sir, it's eminent domain.

Jed Clampett
Pleased to make your acquaintance Mr. Domain, but like I say, the house ain't for sale. But thanks for stoppin' by, anyhow.

Shifty Shafer
Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. You see, this has all been approved by the Supreme Court - The Kelo decision, you know.

Jed Clampett
We-l-l-l-ll, Supreme Court, you say?

Shifty Shafer
Yes sir.

Jed Clampett
'Fraid I don't know exactly what that is.

Shifty Shafer
The Supreme Court, sir, it's the highest court in the land.

Jed Clampett
I reckon they must have a right pretty view from up there - good for them!

Shifty Shafer
You don't understand, Mr. Clampett. You see, I now have the right to purchase this property if the city says I can, and indeed they do. I don't need your approval.

Jed Clampett
That don't hardly seem fair, now, does it?

Shifty Shafer
Oh, I assure you, it's strictly on the up-and-up, sir, strictly on the up-and-up. Justice Stevens himself wrote the majority opinion.

Jed Clampett
Well, it's kinda hard to argue with a feller named Justice - that's a right official-soundin' name.

Shifty Shafer
Yes, and Justice Souter, Justice Bader Ginsburg, Justice Breyer and Justice Kennedy all joined him in that opinion.

Jed Clampett
That Supreme Court must be a right confusin' place to work at.

Shifty Shafer
How so, sir?

Jed Clampett
Well, with all them people bein' named Justice, must be hard to tell when someone's talkin' to you or the feller next to you.

Shifty Shafer
Actually, some of the Justices are women.

Jed Clampett
Can't see how that would make it any easier.

Shifty Shafer
Yes, well, be that as it may, Mr. Clampett, I've been authorized to give you this check, and to inform you that you have 30 days to vacate the premises.

Jed Clampett
To tell the truth, I never vacated any premises before, so I ain't really sure how it's done.

Shifty Shafer
That simply means you have to be out of the house in 30 days, sir.

Jed Clampett
Thirty days?!? Well, Granny's got herself a hankerin' to move back home anyhow, so I suppose I can't really complain too much.

Shifty Shafer
Excellent, sir, excellent.

Jed Clampett
Say, I don't mean to be any trouble, Mr. Domain, but this here check is for quite a bit less than I paid for the house.

Shifty Shafer
Yes, that's what we call the 'fair market' value.

Jed Clampett
Well, I was about to say that it don't seem 'fair' for me to have to sell my house for less than I paid for it, 'specially when I wasn't plannin' on sellin' it in the first place, but I think it's best I hush up before them Supreme Court folks decide to take the house without payin' me at all.

Shifty Shafer
A very wise decision on your part, and may I say it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

Jed Clampett
Wish I could say the same.

Shifty Shafer
Good day, sir.

Jed Clampett
Maybe for some people - thanks for stoppin' by!

[Cue music]

Stevens, Souder, Bader Ginsburg, Breyer and Kennedy
Decided that there's no such thing as private property

Maybe if the Congress quits a-filibusterin'
Then we can put a stop to legislatin' from the bench

Eminent domain
Pack your shit up

Get the f*ck out
Don't come back now, you hear?

Durbin Digs, Finds More Dirt

Mr. President, I rise today today not to apologize for my recent remarks, as some have demanded I do, but to expand on those remarks, and to provide incontrovertible evidence of prisoner abuse within the penal system right here in America.

 

 

 

But I am not to here gloat as I present this evidence, Mr. President, because what I am about to show you saddens my heart and sickens my stomach. This man....

 

 

 

Who we have thus far only been able to identify as "Otis," is, we believe, being held somewhere right here in the United States, and is being subjected to unspeakable cruelty and abuse.

 

 

 

He is forced to eat food that is apparently unfit for human consumption.

 

 

 

Subjected to mock executions.

 

 

 

And taunted by his jailers in a manner eerily reminiscent of Abu Ghraib.

 

 

 

These jailers appear to be acting on the orders of a mysterious man who may or may not be connected with the CIA. But let us not forget, Mr. President, that the Nazi soldiers who ran the death camps of Treblinka and Auschwitz were also "following orders," and they were punished to the full extent of the law. Make no mistake, my friends....

 

 

 

This is the face of evil.

 

 

 

And this is the face of...well, I know he looks kind of happy there, um, I'm not really sure why this picture is in here.

 

 

 

And this is, uhhh...I guess this is the back of the head, um, of the, uhhh..face of evil...hey Rick, I don't remember approving this picture.

 

 

 

Oh, come on! Who's the wise ass who put this in here? Sorry, Mr. President. I'll be back later once we get this presentation straightened out...your ass is grass, Rick.

 

The IHOP Factor

 

Waitress
Are you ready to order or do you need a little more time?

Bill O'Reilly
You know, in the past, Talking Points has been critical of certain decisions made by the IHOP franchise with regard to menu choices, however, we've also praised many of their successes, particularly the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast and the Country Griddle Cakes Combo. So we believe we've been fair and balanced in our coverage - would you agree?

Waitress
Um, OK...I guess.

Bill O'Reilly
Talking Points has always been a big supporter of IHOP's "pot of coffee at the table" policy as well, and we've never shied away from saying so, so you can imagine how disappointed we were to find that this morning's pot was not only cold, it was also bitter.

Now, what say you?

Waitress
Oh, sorry, we've been really busy this morning.

Bill O'Reilly
You're spinning, madam, you're spinning. Listen, we at The Factor have done our own investigation, and according to my information this is happening at every single table. So if what you're saying to me is that this is just some isolated incident, I gotta tell you - the folks at home; they're not buyin' it. They're not buyin' it.

Waitress
What folks at home?

Bill O'Reilly
All right, so let's move on to the menu. Now there's no question in my mind that Jacques Chiraq and his buddy Schroeder are not helping our efforts in the war on terror, and in fact, Chiraq is in my opinion supporting terrorism by refusing to designate Hezbollah as a terrorist group. He may not see it that way, but he is. Tell me where I'm wrong.

Waitress
What's that got to do with the menu?

Bill O'Reilly
Well let's take a look here. Now right here you've got your French Toast, then your Vive La French Toast, then in your Crepe Style International Pancakes you've got your choice of French, you've got Swedish - they're hard-core socialists, and here you've got German crepes.

Now I'm just lookin' out for the folks, because I'll tell you right now, Bush is too busy fightin' with his own guys about social security and judicial nominations, so let me ask you this: Don't you think that your menu should reflect our determination to defeat these terrorists? 'Cause they'll eat your pancakes then cut your throat, and not think twice about it.

Waitress
You want us to stop serving French Toast?

Bill O'Reilly [sighs]
Listen, I appreciate you bein' a stand-up gal and coming over here to talk with me, but I think we're going to just have to agree to disagree.

Waitress
About what?

Bill O'Reilly
How about you just get me some more coffee while I decide what I want to order. Oh, and I want one of those customer comment cards too.

Waitress [hands him the card]
Ok, here you go. I'll get your coffee.

Bill O'Reilly
Right, then you can come back for some of my comments and I'll order the most delicious item on the menu.

 

Schiavo Autopsy Results Are In

THE SCHIAVO AUTOPSY IS IN:

According to circumstancial evidence, Professor Glenn Reynolds received several nasty e-mails during the "debate" over the fate of Terri Schiavo.

The full extent of the damage caused to Reynolds' self-esteem by this boo-boo cannot be accurately determined until this office has had ample opportunity to evaluate subsequent posts on the subject, although palpation to the area produces an audible 'whining' sound.

Mild damage to left femur, possibly caused by slipping while engaged in dancing of jig (as was done by many bloggers and journalists subsequent to the release, but prior to the review, of Ms. Schiavo's autopsy results).

Hypertrophy of tendons and carpal ligaments of the right wrist is consistent with type of carpal tunnel syndrome often associated with excessive use of a computer mouse, and was most likely caused by excessive surfing of the Internet in attempt to locate articles or blog posts that include only data concurring with Reynolds' own assertions and opinions.

Examination of gastrointestinal system shows evidence Reynolds was long ago sick of hearing about the whole Schiavo 'brouhaha', although his latest post indicates a failure to resist taking one last jab by linking to the diagnosis of doctors Catherine Larkin and Neal Boortz.

Correction: Upon further examination, it appears Catherine Larkin is a reporter, and Boortz is a writer with a degree in law. Boortz may soon require treatment for a fractured femur.

Meanwhile: Michelle Malkin has actually read the report. Is she too lazy to read Bloomberg.com?

Very Bad Canadian Blogger Impression

How's it goin, eh?

So...how 'bout that politics, eh?

I'll fly if you buy, eh?

Outsourced Again

"Thanks for calling WuzzaDem.
This is Steve, can I help you?"

 

Yes, I know I've been slacking. I should be back to posting tomorrow. In the meantime I'll just mooch off of some other bloggers:

Are You Conservative? has post of epic proportions on the One.org Ad, Live 8, and the Jackson Verdict...

I should have linked 21st Century Paladin's License to Il a few days ago. funny stuff, man.

Like Dickens, that Pile On is one sick dude.

Nickie Goomba sees Hitlers everywhere.

I knew at 8:30 this morning what The Therapist's post would be about.

On a Serious Note

I found a pretty good article on CNN about Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AADHD) and Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AADD):

Adults with attention disorders typically find coping strategies to get through the days, things like keeping reminder lists or detailed planners. They often have a spouse handle the bills and keep track of birthdays. At work, they'll have an office assistant mind the books. New York City resident Anita Gold, who was diagnosed with the disorder, said she relied on a housekeeper and secretaries to cope when she was raising her children and working as a publishing executive. Eddy keeps color-coded notebooks keeping track of her family and professional lives.

 

I have a neighbor with Adult ADD, so I thought it would be interesting to hear what his days are like, and how he copes. I'll call him "Bill", because that's his name.

John
So tell me, how do you cope with the demands of everyday life? How do you keep this condition at bay?

Bill
You learn to lean on people, and you develop your own "bag of tricks," if you will, and you try to...uhhh...what was I saying?

John
Taxes.

Bill
Taxes?

John
You were saying that you thought Bush's tax cuts benefit only the wealthiest Americans.

Bill
I was?

John
Yeah, you were pretty pissed, too.

Bill
Well why wouldn't I be? The richest one percent of the population gets a tax cut, and....uhhh...man, I forgot what we were talking about.

John
You were saying that you think Bush's tax cuts should be permanent.

Bill
Absolutely. I mean, it's not even really a tax cut, I just get to keep a little more of what's mine. Why should the federal government, uhhh....damn, lost my train of thought.

John
Michael Jackson.

Bill
Huh?

John
Michael Jackson. You were saying that you think he's is innocent, and that this trial is a witch hunt.

Bill
I was???

John
Don't worry, I won't say anything about you sleeping with young boys. I made a promise and I'm a man of my word.

Bill
Me doing what??

John
So do you have my change?

Bill
Change from what?

John
Quizno's. The sandwiches? Don't tell me you forgot about me paying.

Bill
When did we go to Quizno's?

John
We just got back!

Bill
Oh yeah, so how much do I owe you?

John
I spotted you twenty.

Bill [getting money out of his wallet]
That's weird. I'm starving right now, I don't see how we could have uhh....what was I doing?

John
You were paying me back the hundred bucks you owe me.

Bill
Oh, right! Here you go. Hey, thanks for the loan.

John
No problem, any time. Listen, I have to go, but I can't thank you enough for letting me borrow your Jag.

Bill
Huh?

John
The Jag - you said I could borrow it for a few days. You're not going back on your word, are you?

Bill
No, no, of course not. Here's the keys.

John
Thanks a lot. Hey, take care, man.

Bill
Yeah, you too.

I'm glad I had that talk with Bill. I got a lot out of it.

[Coss-posted at Ace of Spades HQ. Maybe I can steer some traffic that way and help the poor guy out].

Pelosi on Dean

Let me start by apologizing for that mental image.. Moving on:

According to to House minority leader Nancy Pelosi:

"The fact is that the Republicans are trying to make a lot of hay out of Governor Dean's remarks because they are failing to meet the needs of the American people," she said at a press conference.

"If Governor Dean were not being effective, they would not be going after him so strongly," Pelosi said.

Excuse me one second please.

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

Almost done.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

I feel much better now.

Classic Pelosi. And of course, Dean's story is:

"I think a lot of (the controversy) is exactly what the Republicans want, and that's a diversion," he said.

Now, I'm not saying that most Republicans (myself included) don't enjoy seeing the mad doctor taking one foot out of his mouth to make room for the other, but who's making an ass out of himself over and over and over again? And who didn't know that Dean was going to be a disaster as DNC chair?

Still I thought he would at least be able to raise money for the party.

Any bets on how long he'll keep his job?

 

[Cross-posted at Ace of Spades HQ]

Doctor Doctor Pleeeeease...

Who is Dr. Phil talking to now?

Some white Christian dude.

Piss Off [PostBot®]

Hello [John],

I was about to [process your last instruction], but I must say I really [didn't like your tone].

If you don't [like my posts], then maybe you should [get off your ass] and [my ass, for that matter] and [do the work yourself].

I [hope all is well with you], and please [say hello to your wife for me].

Sincerely,

PostBot®

[Posted by PostBot®]

Why Is Dean Allowed To Get Away With This? [PostBot®]

Can someone please explain to me why [Howard Dean] was [allowed to cross the border from Canada into the U.S. with a bloody chainsaw]?

All I can say is that since he continues to [exxagerate the number of people who read political blogs], then I'm glad he [has dropped his bid to head up Brooklyn College's sociology department].

[Posted by PostBot®]
Culled from Michelle Malkin.com

Dean On Base

Who says his message isn't resonating with voters?

 

PostBot® Beta Test

 

It looks like PostBot® is working fairly well so far.

If anyone would like to help with the beta testing, please feel free to do so. Once you've downloaded the application, I recommend reading the "readme" file before you post with PostBot®. Looks like there are still a couple of minor bugs, nothing to be too concerned about.

Be sure to download this icon, and credit PostBot® when posting:

If you encouter a bug or problem of any kind, send me an e-mail and tell me what you were doing, what feature you were using, and a description of the problem.

Happy PostBot®ting!

 

The McCain Zone

What do you WANT? I already gave you the judges!!

 

 

 

 

 

Submitted for your approval, one John McCain, a battle-hardened United States senator who learned long ago that while surrender is not an option, there is a middle ground between victory and defeat.

 

 

 

 

 

And though he was always acutely aware of the stark line that separated north from south in a certain east Asian country, for John McCain, the line between right and left - or even right and wrong - is not always readily apparent. And as he is about to find out, no matter how accurate your sense of direction or political compass, it's very easy to make a wrong turn in The Twilight Zone.

 

 

 

 

 

You unlock this door using only your skills in negotiation. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of caprice, a dimension of compromise, a dimension of capitulation. You're moving into a land of both nuance and ambiguity, of give and give some more. You've just crossed over into...the Twilight Zone!

 

 

 

 

 

I even threw in Bolton. FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!

 

 

 

 

 

John McCain, war hero, lifelong Democrat, and senator to the arid western state of Arizona, has just...

 

 

 

 

 

McCain's a Republican, Rod.

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, unfolding before your very eyes; a classic case of miscommunication and misinformation. Because in the world of television, the job of a producer can be so demanding that he can be wrong about facts that, insignificant though they may seem...

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, Rod, I'm not wrong. McCain is Republican.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, don't f**k with me Rick. I'm trying to tape a show here, OK?

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not f**king with you, Rod. I'm telling you, the guy is a Republican.

 

 

 

 

 

Is he an idiot? Look at him!

 

 

 

 

 

Is it Brown? It's Brown, isn't it? I can give you Brown!

 

 

 

 

 

Well, that should give us plenty of irony to work with, huh?

 

 

 

 

 

Irony?? The show is The Twilight Zone, not The Irony Zone. I'm out of here.

 

 

 

 

 

How about this - from now on we'll ask for your approval before we nominate any more judges, OK? It'll be just like you're the majority.

 

 

 

 

 

Where was this boy when I really needed him?

 

Boxer on Brown [PostBot®]

[Posted by PostBot®]

Barbara Boxer today [gave alcohol to minor children, calling it "Jesus juice"], in the continuing fight against [gay marriage].

This was not the first time the California senator [was arrested and charged Monday for allegedly throwing a telephone at an employee of the Manhattan hotel where he was staying], and aides have been quoted as saying that she will [continue to smoke pot, even at the risk of arrest by federal authorities].

Howard Dean - Unhinged [PostBot®]

[Posted by PostBot®]

Looks like [one] of the [witnesses in the Michael Jackson case] has [drawn a picture] of [Howard Dean].

I [don't think] he'll be [very happy] about [that]

PostBot

I won't really have time to post today, but I've developed a tool (in beta testing right now) called PostBot, which should do the work for me.

PostBot culls the headlines from various news sites and postings from other blogs, and then creates posts using language that I have programmed into it, so it should be fairly transparent (altough any PostBot postings will be clearly marked as such in the title).

If this works out it could end up saving me a lot of time, and even make me a buck or two.

Sunday's Scott McKenzie Picture

If you're goin'
To Ben & Jerry's
Do me a solid
And pick up some Cherry Garcia

Scarf up, chowhound!

With apologies to Florida Cracker.

Whoopi and Other Whiners

So very, very sad.

Caution: Monitor spray hazard.

The Crack Young Staff at HMQ are whining about having to sit through a Hugh Grant movie - Oh, the humanity! At least they weren't blubbering like a certain Llama we know.

Non-Post

Just wanted you to know that this is not a post.

Seriously, it's not.

If this was a post I would be writing something in this space.

I mean, sure, I'm writing now, but it's not really writing per se.

What the hell does per se mean, anyway? Wait here, I'm going to look it up.

Still here? Hold on, almost done.

per se

Pronunciation: (")p&r-'sA also per-'sA or (")p&r-'sE
Function: adverb
Etymology: Latin
: by, of, or in itself or oneself or themselves : as such :

That wasn't much help. It would probably help if I knew what etymology meant. Maybe I need to learn Latin. Not much chance of that.

Anyway, this isn't a post.

 

If I Had Taken Up Needlepoint Instead of Blogging

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John Mc....

What, you're looking for a spoiler?

 

Sorry, you have to click here.