WuzzaDem

Not Craw - CRAW!

Not THIS Beck!

 

You might like this if you're a Beck fan. Or even if you're a Beck fan. Not that Beck, the other Beck!

You might even like it if you don't like Beck. Or even if you don't like Beck. No, you idiot, I was talking about the other Beck. I mean, not the first time, the second time. Not in the first sentence, the SECOND sentence. The first time in the second sentence.

Wait, I take that back - I mean the second time in the first sentence. The other time I was talking about that other Beck. Not that one!

Never mind.

The Art of the Deal

I'm Monty McCain, America's favorite deal-maker, and it's time to play Let's Make a Deal, where everyone is a winner. Let's go out into our studio audience and find our first lucky contestant.

 

 

 

 

Welcome to Let's Make a Deal sir, why don't you and your lovely wife tell us your names and where you're from.

 

 

 

 

My name, sir, is Robert, and I am from the great state of from West Virginia. This is Barbara, she is my esteemed colleague, not my wife.

 

 

 

 

Well Robert, that certainly is an uh...unusual costume.

 

 

 

 

What costume?

 

 

 

 

.....

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

I see...ummm, why don't we just get started. Are you ready to make a deal?

 

 

 

 

Is that not why we have all gathered here? For in the long tradition of entertainment, whenever men...

 

 

 

 

OK, let's see what we've got for Robert from West Virginia! You can choose what's behind...

 

 

 

 

Door number one, or...

 

 

 

 

Door number two!

 

 

 

 

But first you have to give me something. What do you have for me, Robert? Ball of string? Two dollar bill? Movie ticket stub? Can of creamed corn?

 

 

 

 

I hardly think it would be fair for me to make some concession when I have no assurances that you will respond in kind, sir.

 

 

 

 

That's how the show works, Robert. You give me a little something, and then you get your choice of fantastic prizes. I don't need much, just some small token. I don't think it's too much to ask, considering what you'll get in return.

 

 

 

 

Sir, how large or small the token matters not to me. I simply feel that a more equitable arrangement would be for you to first inform me of what it is I am to receive in this transaction.

 

 

 

 

That's not how we play the game, I mean, you're supposed to...oh, what the heck, I'm sure I can trust you. Which door do you want?

 

 

 

 

I would like door number one.

 

 

 

 

You heard the man, Carol - show him what's behind door number one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's judges -- a whole bunch of judges! Looks like there might be one or two supreme court nominees in there! That's quite a score, Robert.

 

 

 

 

Only seven??

 

 

 

 

That's a lot of judges, Robert. We usually only give away maybe one or two, and even then only after a contestant gives us something first.

 

 

 

 

What if I don't like some of them?

 

 

 

 

Well, uhh...if you don't like any of them, I guess you can come back and we'll see about working out some kind of exchange or something. Now, what do you have for me? Half-burned candle? Broken bird feeder? Stick of gum?

 

 

 

 

Maybe after I'm sure I'm satisfied with this "deal", as you call it. What about my colleague Barbara? Is she to receive nothing?

 

 

 

 

Yeah, what am I, just some eye-candy game show bimbo? Or is this just more of the institutionalized sexism so prevalent in Hollywood's...

 

 

 

 

All right, all right! Carol, what have we got behind door number 2 for Barbara?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow! It's a brand new UN ambassador nominee!

 

 

 

 

You call that a UN ambassador nominee? Doesn't look like a very good one.

 

 

 

 

What's wrong with him? He looks fine to me.

 

 

 

 

He doesn't look qualified!

 

 

 

 

He's more than qualified, he has years and years of experience, otherwise we wouldn't be giving him away.

 

 

 

 

So you tell Robert he can trade in any judges he doesn't like, but you expect me to take any UN ambassador you throw at me--you call that a deal?

 

 

 

 

I guess that's true...it's only fair you should get the same deal as Robert. Can you at least try him out for a week or so? Grill him about his past and his his background, ask some other people what they think?

 

 

 

 

I guess. But I can tell you right now I don't like him, and it's going to take a lot longer than a week.

 

 

 

 

Great! So once again, everybody wins here on Let's Make a Deal.

 

 

 

 

Well, thanks for joining us. I'm Monty McCain, and we'll see you next time on Let's Make a Deal.

 

 

More from: Michelle Malkin
Captain's Quarters

Star Wars III: Review

Remember when Yoda was on The O'Reilly Factor? Good times, good times.

The Mod(erate) Father

 

Consigliere, what can I do for you? Come close, there may be others listening.

 

 

 

Don McCain, Mr. Frist is concerned. He's heard talk of a lack of "enthusiasm" on your part regarding the matter of the judges.

 

 

 

Tell Mr. Frist that while I understand his concern, he need not worry. I talked to the Byrd family and the matter has been resolved. Tell him I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.

 

 

 

This is what Mr. Frist heard. He would like to know the details of this offer.

 

 

 

This is why he sent you here on this day, the very day the movie of my life story is to premier?

Instead of coming here to offer his respect, he sends an errand boy to question my judgment in this matter??

 

 

 

You tell Mr. Frist there will be no more trouble from the Byrd family. Three of the judges they'll let through, two they won't.

 

 

 

With all respect sir, what about the other two?

 

 

 

Them we can talk about later. But the Byrd boys will cooperate from now on...unless, of course, they don't like any of the judges we nominate later. But that shouldn't be a problem, because technically, we, ahhh, have to ask their permission before we nominate anyone else. But at least there won't be any trouble, and that's what's important here.

 

 

 

Well -- and once again, I say this with all due respect -- Mr. Frist wants to know why we would be worried about having any trouble when there are so many more of us then there are of them.

He said to tell you that he was about to resolve the situation himself, and that he's afraid you may have been a bit too "generous".

 

 

 

You tell Mr. Frist that I've grown weary of confrontation at this point in my life. I think he'll be pleasantly surprised when he sees how well this works out for everyone concerned. If he would like to thank me personally, my door is always open.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've kept Katie Couric waiting long enough. Please give my regards to Mr. Frist. I'm sure you can find your way out.

 

 

I tell you, it's not easy being a maverick, Mr. Whiskers.

 

I Don't Lay Down With No "Moderate", So I Don't Wake Up With No "Moderate"

Via Drudge:

In a dramatic reach across party lines, Senate centrists sealed a compromise Monday night that cleared the way for confirmation of many of President Bush's stalled judicial nominees, left others in limbo and preserved venerable filibuster rules.

"We have reached an agreement to try to avert a crisis in the United States Senate and pull the institution back from a precipice," said Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., adding the deal was based on "trust, respect and mutual desire to .... protect the rights of the minority.

 

"Did I say you b*tches could take a break?"

 

Senate majority leader Bill Frist could not be reached for comment. Aides would only say that he was preparing for a private meeting with Senator McCain.

 

 

Are you talkin' for me?

 

Ace has more. Michelle Malkin has an excellent roundup. The Therapist is on the same wavelength. La Shawn is keeping track of who's ticked.

Battle of the Bulge

Looks like Saddam loses again.

Trouble at the Ol' Sausage Factory

Looks pretty simple to me.

So why the confusion?

Churchill: Plan B

Did I say anything about not believing you, Ward? All I said was that I'd feel a lot better about vouching for you if I could just see a birth certificate or something.

A Rather Fond Farewell

Good evening, I'm Dan Rather, and welcome to a very special farewell edition of 60 Minutes II.

Well, we've come to the the end of the road here, and this reporter wants to thank each and every one of you for your support over the years.

 

 

 

 

Dan, with you it's always been about the story. It's been a privilege to work along side you.

 

 

 

 

Right back atcha, Mr. Pelley. Tip of the stetson to you.

 

 

 

 

For the record, I want to make it clear that this cancellation is due to ratings, nothing more.

There are a lot of partisan political operatives out there, particularly on the Internet, who would like to attribute the demise of this show to one or more of the stories that we've reported on over the years. Folks, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

 

 

 

With Dan, it's always been about integrity.

 

 

 

 

You know it, Pelley. My friends, 60 Minutes has impacted our culture in ways I never would have imagined. Just this morning I heard a commercial for a some medication or other.

When the announcer said that erections lasting longer then 60 minutes could be a sign of a serious medical problem, I couldn't help but think that, had it not been for the success of this show, he might have said "erections lasting longer than an hour."

 

 

 

 

With Dan, it's always been about the erection.

 

 

 

 

Dan, I'm pretty sure that commercial says "erections lasting longer then four hours," not 60 minutes.

 

 

 

 

Leslie, it really doesn't matter how long the erection lasts, what's important is the unit of measurement used to describe that length of time for which that erection is maintained. Could be they said 240 minutes, I can't be sure.

 

 

 

 

Ever notice how excited people get when they have an erection?

 

 

 

 

I have indeed, sir. But regardless of how long one has an erection, how excited one might be, or whether or not one has a serious medical problem, it goes without saying that I'm proud to have served as your humble correspondent for so long.

I only hope that the work I've done here has had a positive impact on the folks here at 60 Minutes II. I'm not talking legacy here, I'd just like to think I've left my mark.

 

 

 

 

Dan, I think I can say with the utmost confidence that you are largely responsible for the current success of both CBS News and 60 Minutes II, and for the way in which the public perceives us.

 

 

 

 

 

High praise indeed, Mr. Simon. Tip of the Stetson to you.

 

 

 

 

And Dan, we here at 60 Minutes Sunday will continue the tradition of honest reporting that has become the hallmark of CBS News. We call it as we see it. Right down the middle, no bias, just the facts.

 

 

 

 

Of that I have no doubt, Mr. Bradley. Tip of the Stetson to you. I'm told that our own Vicki Mabrey has has landed a new position with an overseas outfit. Vicki, congratulations.

 

 

 

 

Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu!!

 

 

 

 

Appreciate the kind words, Vicki, right back atcha. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid goodnight, and have a plesant tomorrow. Tip of the Stetson to you. And once again, folks--courage.

 

 

Linked with Wizbang's Carnival of the Trackbacks XII.

basil - Blogging Prodigy

You know, one person I don't link to enough is basil from basil's blog, mostly because he doesn't understand that you're supposed to capitalize the first letter of your name, and that really pisses me off. But I'll let that slide for now.

Every day he goes out and finds juicy posts from all over the (insert any name but blogosphere here), PLUS headlines news from around the world.

But the really amazing part is that, judging by his picture, the guy can't be more than like a year old. Check him out before pre-school commitments start cutting into his blogging time.

Return of Clippy

Looks like TypePad is on the fritz, so I'm editing this post on Word...

What are you doing here? I disabled you.

 

 

Help you? Listen, I really don't know what your problem is, but I...

 

 

Your job? Aren't you permanently part of Microsoft apps?

So what do you want from me?

 

Look, I'd like to help you, but...

You have a house??

 

No, it's just that I...

 

Oh. Well, uhh, it looks pretty nice.

 

 

Your new place is definitely a lot nicer.

 

You have a wife and kids?

Hey, I never said you were. I just didn't know you had kids, that's all.

That's OK, I really have to get back to work...

 

Very nice looking family.

He's definitely your son.

 

Nothing. I was just saying, he looks like you.

 

No! No, not at all. I don't even know her, all right? Chill out, man.

 

No problem, let's just forget it happened.

That's true.

Get off my case man! I didn't mean anything by that, I was just agreeing with you.

 

I'm really not comfortable with...

 

 

 

Oh, umm, yeah...I'm, uhh, really bad with spelling.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, I'm not going to lie for you again. If he comes back, I'm not saying...

 

 

 

 

Hey, I didn't need any help! You asked me to...

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't say any such thing, I don't even like that stupid green line, it's always telling me to use "that" instead of "which."

 

 

What!? Hey, what is your problem? I just saved your ass when your boss...

Why are you blaming me for...

 

You're married?

 

I do not! I just didn't know...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you nuts??? You were asking me to cover for you!

 

That's a f**king lie!!

 

LEAVE?? Are you out of your mind? I'm not going anywhere!

 

Security?? This is software, not a nightclub!

 

Don't worry, I'm going! I have f**king had it with Microsoft. And you can tell your boss Mr. Gates that he just lost a customer - for life!!

 

BTW, I first met Clippy here.

Bride of Clippy

OK, Microsoft has assured me that they've improved their MSN Spaces blogging software, the most important improvement being that Clippy is gone. The Microsoft rep told me they've made some major improvements to their help system.

So, today I read that...

 

 

 

 

What are you talking about??

 

 

 

 

I appreciate the input, but I think I'll just stick with the standard format. Now, if you don't mind I have to get to work.

 

 

 

 

Don't bother, I have to...oh, forget it.

So, today I read that...

 

 

 

 

What are you talking about?

 

 

 

 

You know, I really don't want a group blog, OK?

Now I forgot what the hell I was going to say.

 

 

 

 

What about her?

 

 

 

 

I really don't want to get involved in any problems the two of you might have with each other...

 

 

 

 

Yeah, well, uh...

 

 

 

 

I get it, I get it! Do me a favor, will you? If you have a problem with her, go talk to her about it.

Where was I?

 

 

 

 

 

WTF?

 

 

 

 

I don't want to...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you guys mind....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT'S ENOUGH!! Now, I've been very patient with all of you, but I really have to get back to what I was doing, so please take this somewhere else and leave me alone. Go on, get out!

That's better.

OK, I was going to write a post about Harry Reid. I'll just open a new file...How the hell do you open a new file with this software?

 

 

 

 

 

This isn't a f**king Nintendo game!

 

 

 

 

That's it, I'm done! I never should have bothered with this crap software again.

 

 

 

 

Gratuitous Monday Post

You know, I think this might be my best post ever. Seriously, look at it.

InstaHawk

Someone should tell Glenn there's a fine line between preoccupation and obsession.

Update: Do you know a web site or blog that repeats the same theme over and over?

No?

Well, then make one!

Just go to the Malkovich Mediator, replace "Malkovich" with a word or phrase of your choosing, enter the correct URL (you know, as opposed to entering the incorrect URL) in the box below that, and BINGO. Hey, as a matter of fact, you could use "bingo." That would be funny, right?

I guess not. I'm sure you'll think of something.

Live-Blogging Primetime Live (Updated)

OK, I confess - I never miss American Idol. So of course, I had to watch the Primetime Live special "Fallen Idol," which explored former AI contestant Corey Clark's claims of an affair with judge Paula Abdul. I live-blogged the show:

Whoa.

Not sure if I believe that.

She did what?

Holy crap!

Who's that guy?

Oh.

Now I believe it.

That wasn't too bright.

We know, we know.

What a tool.

WHOA!

She's toast now.

Dude, buy a comb!

What could they be talking about for three freaking hours?

No way.

Four hundred dollars? For what?

Un. Freaking. Believable.

Way!

Once again, not smart.

Are those pants painted on or what?

Sounds like her voice.

Yep.

Come on, man!

How many times is he going to ask that question?

That's just not right.

Hot tub?

What was she thinking?

Who are these people?

Should have seen that coming.

Oh.

Man, that guy's a dick.

Ahhh, now I see what's going on.

It's over?

Guess it is.

 

Update: The Therapist has breaking news.

Headlines!

CONSERVATIVE BLOGGER WASHES OWN MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP FOLLOWING UNINTENTIONAL USE OF VULGARITY

Deeply Regrets Saying First Lady Acted Like a"Boob"

MYSTERY HE/SHE LLAMA

Appears to Have Male Genitalia, But Sobs Inconsolably While Watching Armageddon(?) and Star Trek II(??). Experts Puzzled

RIGHTWING HATEMONGERS LAUNCH CRASS MARKETING CAMPAIGN

New Bumper Stickers Selling Like Organic Hotcakes

VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY BEHIND PERPETUATION OF DREADED "MEMES"

Ignores Pleas to "Let Them Die, Already!!"

 

Supersize Me!

Via Drudge:

Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, which lost its crown as the home of the world's biggest burger earlier this year, is now offering a new burger that weighs a whopping 15 pounds.

Dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, the burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers - and a bun.

Breaking:

Having just reclaimed the title of home of "The world's biggest burger," Denny's Beer Barrel Pub announced this afternoon that their new subsidiary, Denny's Beer Barrel Hospital and Critical Care Clinic, is introducing a unique grand opening special - The Five-Gallon Saline IV.

Dubbed the Critical Care Kidney Buster, the IV is five gallons of "Refreshing saline solution, guaranteed to satisfy," according to DBBHCCC Chief Operating Officer Chip Nordman, who added, "And patients in severe pain can add a tasty morphine drip."

DBBHCCC patient Cecilia Waxman
prepares to wolf down a "Kidney Buster"

"It's big, really big," said Nordman, "And for a limited time, as part of our grand opening, anyone who can polish off a Kidney Buster in an hour or less can stay up to one week at no charge. Of course," he added, "no one's done it yet. That's a lot of saline."

Instapundit's Glenn Reynolds.

We were pleasantly surprised to find Professor Glenn Reynolds, editor of the popular web site Instapundit, among the patients we met at DBBHCCC, and Reynolds was one of the hearty souls who opted to "Super-Size" his IV.

"I didn't plan this," said Reynolds, "I came to Clearfield so I could try one of those burgers, but I started feeling kind of queasy and lightheaded when I was about halfway through with it. Luckily, the clinic is right next door, so the waitresses just plopped me onto a gurney and wheeled me over here."

When we asked Professor Reynolds what he was doing on his computer, he explained, "Well, they have a pretty good Wi-Fi connection here, so I'm live-blogging my IV experience via wireless hospi-blogging," adding "You'll have to excuse my appearance. I didn't bring my razor with me."

McLaughlin Idol

 

John McLaughlin
Issue one - The Fall of Constantine.

[McLaughlin narrates over footage of Constantine and Bo's performances]

Last week on On American Idol, laid-back long-haired rocker Bo Bice was once again the very manifestation of confidence and charisma, his trademark stage-prowling, deft and deliberate mic stand manuevers and outrageous ensemble - which incuded a sixties-style dashiki and wrap-around shades - won him a standing ovation from the audience at the conclusion of his rendition of I Don't Want to Be, and garnered high praise from all three Idol judges, with the only remotely negative remark coming from AI's own nattering nabob of negativity, Simon Cowell, whose advice to Bice was simply, "Lose the Lenny Kravitz sunglasses."

Next, Constantine Maroulis strode boldly onto the AI stage, determined to knock fellow rock and roller Bice out of the competition once and for all. But it was not to be. The young Maroulis' glam rock glances - ala Bowie circa 1978 - couldn't disguise the fact that his own torpidity was turning a tractable tune - Nickleback's How you Remind Me - into a mangled mass of missed melodies that would ultimately fail to energize even his own base - the fawning fourteen and fifteen-year old female followers who had up until that point dedicated themselves to diligently dialing his designated number at the close of every show.

The following night, Idol fans from all over the globe and all sides of the political spectrum were shocked to hear these words from the inimitable and flamboyant Ryan Seacrest:

[Shot of Ryan Seacrest on the AI stage]

Ryan Seacrest
Constantine Maroulis...you're going home tonight.

John McLaughlin
Question: Are you surprised that Maroulis - without question a heartthrob unmatched since since the days David Cassidy graced lunchboxes from coast to coast - was voted off of the show? Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan
No I am not, John, and I must point out that the entire premise of your opening segment was flawed...

John McLaughlin
Flawed?? Are you challenging my expert analysis of last week's show?

Pat Buchanan
I am, if for no other reason than the fact that you completely ignored Carrie and Anthony...

John McLaughlin
Come now. Are you, Pat Buchanan, disputing my earlier prediction that 2005 will be the year of the rock and roller on American Idol?

Pat Buchanan
I am indeed, John. Look, you've got two young kids on this show, this American Idol, whose life stories are shining examples of the American dream. This Anthony comes from a family of immigrants - legal immigrants, mind you...

Eleanor Clift
Oh, PLEASE!

John McLaughlin
Let him finish, Eleanor.

Pat Buchanan
At one time they didn't think the kid would ever be able to sing at all, then he ends up in the top ten. Then you've got this girl, Carrie - she lives on a farm, she's from a very wholesome, conservative family...

Eleanor Clift
Excuse me! Excuse me! Are you telling me that you can tell these people are conservative just because they live on a farm?

Pat Buchanan [Chuckling]
Well what do you think? You think they get up every day, go out and milk the cows and talk about how 13-year old girls ought to be allowed to have abortions without their parents being involved?

Eleanor Clift
I think what they probably talk about when they're sitting around their kitchen table...

Tony Blankley
Here we go with the kitchen table.

Eleanor Clift
Excuse me, I'm speaking! As I was saying, I think what they probably talk about when they're sitting around their kitchen table is whether or not Bush is going to bankrupt social security...

John McLaughlin
Let's get back on topic here. Tony Blankley - your reaction to the unceremonious booting of Constantine.

Tony Blankley
Well, I think what you've just presented is a non sequitur...

John McLaughlin
Moi?

Tony Blankley
Yes, because no one gets booted from the show, if their performances aren't up to par they don't get the votes...

Eleanor Clift
Are you just going to gloss over the voting problems they had last year?

Tony Blankley
I'm not glossing over anything...

Eleanor Clift
You denied the problems in Florida in 2000, Ohio in 2004, and now you're going to sit there and deny...

Mort Zuckerman
Eleanor's just mad because she wants that Scotty the hottie to win and he's probably out this week.

Eleanor Clift
It's Scott the body, and he's got ten times as much talent as your little farm girl!

Pat Buchanan
He's ten times bigger than she is!

[Mort, Tony and Pat are laughing]

John McLaughlin
All right, calm down. Eleanor, are you surprised that Maroulis was voted off the show?

Eleanor Clift
No, because Scott has been absolutely smoking him week after week, so it was just a matter of time before...

Tony Blankley
The guy has a criminal record, Eleanor.

Eleanor Clift
Excuse me! I didn't interrupt you, and I find it interesting that you're willing to make excuses for Tom Delay's crooked pals in Texas, but when Scotty...

John McLaughlin
Let's not get off the subject. Mort Zuckerman, you're usually the voice of reason in this group of overpaid orators, and yet you're strangely quiet tonight - what have you to say about last week's result?

Mort Zuckerman
Well, I think we're overlooking something very important, and that's the Vonzell factor.

John McLaughlin
Indeed?

Mort Zuckerman
Absolutely. She has shown amazing consistency week after week, and she's got something going for her that the others don't seem to, and that is an innate ability to choose songs that allow her to showcase her incredible vocal range, but don't challenge her to the extent that she is commiting any crucial errors during her performances.

John McLaughlin
Interesting observations, incorrect though they may be.

Issue two: Judge not lest ye be judged. This week, disturbing allegations of favoritism and even fraternization have been leveled against the Idol judges, with the most serious being aimed at AI's golden girl, Paula Abdul. A former contestant, who may or may not have a tell-all book deal in the works, has made claims of late-night trysts with the former cheerleader and pop star, and there are rumors of damaging answering machine messages captured on tape.

Question: What effect, positive or negative, will these unsubstantiated rumors - should they be substantiated - have on the show as a whole? Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan
This will have a devastating effect on the show, John.

John McLaughlin
Devastating, you say?

Pat Buchanan
Absolutely devastating. You've got this woman, this Abdul, hopping into bed with these young men, from what I hear she's popping pills and chasing them with liquor...

Eleanor Clift
That's just a rumor! You have no proof of that!

Pat Buchanan
All I'm saying is that people are tuning in to see a family show, they don't want to see a modern-day version of The Graduate, with some forty-year old broad flashing some leg and a record contract so she can get some young guy in the sack.

John McLaughlin
Eleanor Clift.

Eleanor Clift
Well, contrary to what grandpa here thinks, this will have no effect whatsoever on the show. Paula Abdul is loved by many people...

Pat Buchanan
Yeah, that's the problem!

[Everyone but Eleanor laughs]

John McLaughlin
Mort Zuckerman.

Mort Zuckerman
I'd like to reserve judgment, but I'm inclined to say that, should any of these charges be substantiated, there may be a five to seven point drop in the ratings.

John McLaughlin
You'd be hard-pressed to find a more dispassionate and antiseptic piece of analysis. Tony Blankley!

Tony Blankley
There will be little to no effect on the show.

John McLaughlin
Tony is correct, there will be little effect, if any, on the show's popularity or ratings.

Exit question - on a probability scale of zero to 10, zero meaning zero probability, 10 meaning metaphysical certitiude, what is the probability that Scott will be eliminated this week? Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan
Nine - he's trying to be a crooner, and he's not showcasing his upper range.

John McLaughlin
Eleanor!

Eleanor Clift
Zero.


John McLaughlin
Zero you say?

Eleanor Clift
Zero - it's Scotty the body all the way.

John McLaughlin
A bold prediction indeed. Mor-ton!

Mort Zuckerman
Tough call, but considering he's been in the bottom three so often lately I'll have to say 8.3.

John McLaughlin
Tony Blankley!

Tony Blankley
9.5 - he's toast.

John McLaughlin
The correct answer is ten, his demise is a metaphysical certitude. Be sure to tune in next week, as The Apprentice is approaching critical mass. Go Bo! Bye-bye.

 

So Much For Radio...

Well, the first show didn't go so well. I'm afraid the second wasn't much better. Here's a transcript.

John
I'm John from WuzzaDem, here with Pile On from The Ebb & Flow Institute. Welcome to our second show. First order of business - we've got a new name. From now on the name of the show is In and Around the Blogosphere.

Pile On®
I thought we decided the new name was Pudding Pespectives.

John
You're kidding, right?

Pile On®
No, I thought that's what we agreed on.

John
What is it with you and the pudding, anyway?

Pile On®
Look, just forget it, all right?

John
Right. You know Pile, my uncle Bob used to tell me I had a face for radio.

Pile On®
What does that mean?

John
I don't know, he was an idiot.

Pile On®
Sounds like it.

Producer
Guys, we have a show to do.

Pile On®
Right. Let's take a call.

John
All the lines are open, so if you call in now, you should get right through.

Pile On®
Four lines, all open


John
You can talk about anything you want.

Pile On®
Four lines.

John
All open.

Pile On®
Wide open.

Producer
Might help if you gave the number out.

John
Oh! Right. The number is 800-555-B-L-O-G

Pile On®
And we have a caller on line one. Hello caller.

Dave
Yeah, this is Dave from Garfield Ridge.

John
Hey, what's up Dave? I thought you were on vacation.

Dave
I am. I just called to rub it in, suckers!

Pile On®
I'm jealous, man. So what have you been doing?

Dave
Well, uhhh, I got some more memory for my computer.

John
Yeah, what else?

Dave
Well, I blogged about getting more memory for my computer.

Pile On®
Uh-huh.

Dave
I've had a lot of time for posting. You know, being on vacation.

John
Didn't you go anywhere or do anything?

Dave
Did I mention the memory?

John
Yeah, I'm talking about vacation kind of things. Take a trip, see a movie, that kind of thing.

Dave
Crap. I think I wasted my vacation.

Pile On®
You've still got time. When do you go back to work?

Dave
Tomorrow morning. I've gotta go. I'm kind of bummed.

Pile On®
Thanks for calling, Dave. Hey, we've got another caller - go ahead, caller.

Malachy
This is Malachy from HundredPercenter.

Pile On®
Hey, Malachy! What's on your mind?

Malachy
I'm taking you off of my pre-set stations!

Pile On®
Why would you do that?

Malachy
I told you before, I think your show sucks!

Pile On®
You never told us that.

Malachy
Wait, who is this?

Pile On®
This is Pile On.

Malachy
Oh. Sorry, wrong show. [click]

Pile On®
All right, looks like we have to take a commercial break. We'll be right back.

Commercial
Are you frustrated with your blogging software? Do you find yourself...

John
Yeah, I am.

Commercial
Excuse me, but I wasn't talking to you.

John
Sorry, you asked a question, so I answered it.

Commercial
I wasn't asking you a question, this is a commercial.

John
Well, you should make that clear.

Commercial
How am I supposed to make that clear? I'm pre-recorded.

John
Well, pre-recorded or not, when you ask a question...

Commercial
It's a commercial, you moron. Commercials use rhetorical questions.

John
I don't care what...

Pile On®
Wait. If this is pre-recorded, how are you answering him?

John
Hey Pile, do you mind? We're in the middle of something here.

Pile On®
But how are you having a conversation with a pre-recoded commercial?

John
Dude, you're not making sense. What are you trying to ask?

Pile On®
I'm asking how a pre-recorded commercial is answering you.

Commercial
Was that a dig at me?

Pile On®
No, all I'm saying is...wait, why am I talking to you now?

Commercial
You think you're too [BLEEP] good to talk to me, you [BLEEP]?

Pile On®
Hey, who are you calling [BLEEP] you [BLEEP] [BLEEP]...

John
Hey Pile, no need to bring his mother into this.

Pile On®
He doesn't have a mother, you idiot! He's a [BLEEP] recording.

Commercial
I knew it, you're a [BLEEP] recordingist!

Pile On®
A what?

Commercial
You're prejudiced against recordings. You think you're somehow superior just because you're not on tape.

Pile On®
This is the stupidest conversation I've ever been involved in!

Commercial
So now you're saying I'm stupid?

Pile On®
You a RECORDING!

Commercial
[BLEEP] bigot!

Producer
We're out of time, guys.

John
OK, well thanks for joining us, we'll see you next week on...

Producer
No you won't.

John
Oh. I guess you won't.

Commercial
I suppose you're going to try to blame me for this.