WuzzaDem

I HATE MEMES! (Updated)

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance
and furious anger those who attempt to send me another
one of these damned memes!

I really hate these "chain-meme" deals, but a certain Pirate Pundit (who shall remain nameless) tagged me with this one.

I can't tell who started it. Was it Beth? Cao? Gordon? I bet it was Vinnie. Whoever it was, knock it off!

Rules:

The rules are simple: write a poem with “turd in a punchbowl” in the first and third lines, that pass it on to 3 unsuspecting bloggers.

I just want to start by saying that I've never been much of a "poet", so don't expect much.

Turd in a punchbowl
Linked by Instapundit
Turd in a punchbowl
Hey, THE VOLOKH CONSPIRACY was hosting a discussion on the constitutionality of the turd, ANN ALTHOUSE NOTED A SLUMP IN INTEREST in the turd, and JEFF JARVIS WAS LIVE-BLOGGING the turd, so it's not like he could ignore it. Especially when he found out there were MORE TURDS IN TOGO.

Turd in a punchbowl
Glenn's panties in a bunch
Turd in a punchbowl
Because IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S A WAR ON, or anything

Turd in a punchbowl
UPDATE: Still in the punchbowl
Turd in a punchbowl
Heh. Indeed

And with that, I've decided to plague the following with this piece of crap (no pun intended):

Pile On from The Ebb & Flow Institute (AKA "The Sidekick")

Greg from What Attitude Problem, because he's such a freaking English Genius.

Dave at Garfield Ridge, because I'm jealous that he's been on vacation, and I want to ruin what's left of it.

Update: Looks like Blog d'Ellison is the guilty party. DAMN YOU BLOG D'ELLISON!

Update II:

Pile On weighs in.

And he passes the baton to Dan from Riehl World View.

Please note that Dave is far too sophisticated to take part in such juvenile hijinx. Good for him!

So Much For Blogging...

Looks like Pile On from The Ebb & Flow Institute and I are in negotiations to start an online radio talk show. And by "negotiations" I mean that I don't have a clue what's going on, but that's never stopped me from doing anything else.

Seriously, ask my wife. She's witnessed a few of my "DIY" projects up close. Not good.

Well, at least Pile On and I get along well, which always helps when you're working together so closely - as I assume we will be.

 

All right, so we have our differences. And as you can see, he fights like a girl - clothes and all.

Actually, I don't think I'd be very good on the radio. I'm sure it would be...how can I describe it? Ah, I know.

 

 

 

Yeah, I think that's about right.

Latest Bolton Poll

The latest poll numbers make it very clear that the vast majority of Americans do not want John Bolton to be confirmed to the U.N. Based on this poll, it appears that most people believe he's not qualified for the job, that he has a problem controlling his temper, and that he has a history of abusing subordinates.

Don't think he's qualfied: 93%

Think he has a problem controlling his anger: 97%

Believe he has a history of abusing subordinates: 94%

These numbers are brutal. Looks like confirmation will be even more of an uphill battle than had been anticipated.

UPDATE: Attention Hillary-blog dude: Read the fine print. It's a joke.

Actual questions used in poll:

1. As you may know, John Bolton has been nominated to serve as United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Bearing in mind that he's just come out of rehab for the third time and has yet to kick that nasty meth habit, do you feel he's qualified to represent the United States at the U.N?

2a. Do you have children?

2b. While it is true that John Bolton has made several veiled threats of violence toward your children, he has done so in such a way that he cannot be charged with any crime at this time. Do you think John Bolton has a problem controlling his temper?

3. Only a few of the people who have worked for John Bolton in the past have agreed to go on the record, and most of them asked to be given protection under the federal witness protection program. They are hesitant to appear in public at this time, out of fear that Mr. Bolton might track them down and "finish them off for good this time." Do you believe John Bolton has a history of abusing subordinates?

 

Is This About Me?

I guess not. Much more here.

Samir Is My Hero

Want to hear what happened when an Iraqi expatriate (Shi'ite expatriate) found Sadam Hussein hiding in a spider-hole? Read this. You won't be sorry.

Pope Fiction (Scene From)

 

 

An old gas guzzling, dirty, white 1974 Chevy Nova barrels down a stretch of road in Italy. In the front seat are two men -- one white, one black -- both wearing cheap black suits with thin black ties. Their names are Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield.

Having just left a life of crime, Vincent and Jules are looking for redemption, so they're "shopping around" for the right religion. This week they're examining Catholicism, and are en route to Vatican City.

Jules is driving, Vincent is in the passenger seat. Jungle Boogie blares from the CD player. The music lowers as the camera closes in on the passengers.

Jules
Tell me about Rome again.

Vincent
It ain't Rome, it's Vatican City.

Jules
Man, I know the Vatican is in Rome, that's not what I was askin'.

Vincent
No, man. See, it breaks down like this: The Vatican has it's own city. It's called Vatican City. Actually, technically, it's like it's own country. It's what they call a sovereign state.

Jules
Sovereign state. I like the sound of that.

Vincent
You'll dig it the most, baby. But you know what the funniest thing about Vatican City is?

Jules
What?

Vincent
It's the little differences. Like, they got the same sh*t they got everywhere else, but it's a little different.

Jules
Examples?

Vincent
Like they got a army and everything, but even though they're in Italy, it's called the Swiss Guard.

Jules
Did you say the Swiss Guard?

Vincent
Hey, I don't stutter.

Jules
Now, how come it ain't the Roman Guard?

Vincent
I don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with the metric system.

Jules
I don't know about that, but if I was in Rome and somebody told me the army was called the Swiss Guard, I'd ask some follow-up questions.

Vincent
Well, I ain't worried about it.

Jules
It ain't a matter of bein' worried about it, it's just a matter of makin' sense. See, there's a reason that countries all have different names. It's so people can tell where they are at any given time. Now, you go mixin' up armies or guards or whatever, then people are bound to get confused about where they are. Like, if I was to go to Poland, I damn sure wouldn't expect to see no German Guard there, you see what I'm saying?

Vincent
Maybe you would if you were there during World War II.

Jules
What's World War II got to do with anything?

Vincent
I'm just saying that if you went to Poland during World War II, you just might see the German army there.

Jules
Are we having two different conversations? Because I thought we were talking about why the Vatican City calls their army the Swiss Guard.

Vincent
Same conversation. I'm just saying that the Germans invaded Poland during the war. You pick up any school book and you'll see that.

Jules
What is this, a history lesson? Did I ask you for a history lesson? Because I know my history. I don't need you to give me no history lesson.

Vincent
Hey, you're the one talkin' about how you wouldn't expect to see the German army in Poland.

Jules
Man, just forget about the war, all right?

Vincent
Consider it forgotten.

Jules
So what's the deal with this incense again? They use it during the sermon?

Vincent
Yeah, except they don't call it a sermon. They call it a mass.

Jules
Mass, huh?? So what kind of incense is it? It ain't that strawberry, is it? Because I don't dig that strawberry incense.

Vincent
Man, they wouldn't be using strawberry incense at mass.

Jules
What've they got against strawberry incense? I mean, I don't like it myself, but that's just a personal preference.

Vincent
I can't say for sure they don't, it just don't sound right. Maybe they use sandalwood.

Jules
Sandalwood. That's cool. See, I like a good sandalwood incense. So what's the purpose of the incense?

Vincent
What do you mean?

Jules
What I mean is that I don't think they use it just to make the place smell good, and they're damned sure not tryin' to cover up no weed smell, and that's the only two reasons I can think of for someone to use incense.

Vincent
Naw man, it was because of what some dude named Malachias said a long time ago.

Jules
Malachias! I got me a cousin named Malachias.

Vincent
Check it out - he said "For from the rising of the sun even to the going down, my name is great among the Gentiles, and in every place there is sacrifice, and there is offered to my name a clean oblation: for my name is great among the Gentiles, saith the Lord of hosts."

Jules
I like the sound of that. I might just start using that myself.

Vincent
Yeah, you could pull that off. You know what they keep their incense in?

Jules
I just assumed they kept it in a bag, like most folks do.

Vincent
Naw, man. They keep it in what they call a boat.

Jules
Boat - do tell!

Vincent
That's right. Then they take it out of the boat and put it in this thing they call a thurible, and swing it all around during mass.

Jules
Thurible, huh? Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

Vincent
Some people call it a censer.

Jules
Now, see, I like that name better. Censer. Sounds more like incense.

Vincent
That's what I was thinking. I wonder if they give you one of those censers when you join up.

Jules
I don't see why they wouldn't. Course, I'd want to get the boat, too.

Vincent
Oh, yeah, you'd have to have the boat, too.

Jules
Probably give you some kind of starter kit.

Vincent
That would be cool. Hey turn it up - I like this song.

The old Nova rattles down the road toward Vatican City, Liturgy of the Saints blasting from the speakers.

 

Update: Evidently, Devin for Pope beat me to this a couple of months ago. Check out the big brain on Devin!

Scarborough Country: Pope Talk

Joe Scarborough
I'm Joe Scarborough, welcome to Scarborough Country. Joining me on the panel tonight are MSNBC political analyst Ron Reagan, Mike Barnicle of the Boston Herald, and Ray Flynn, former ambassador to the Vatican.

Ambassador Flynn, we're just one week into the papacy of Pope Benedict XVI, and already the mainstream media is wasting our time with endless speculation about what this pope's agenda will be. I know it's only been a week, but you know the players here, what do you think this pope intends to do about issues such as whether or not women can be allowed into the priesthood?

Ray Flynn
I'll tell you what he's not going to do, and that's toss out 2,000 years of religious tradition because a lot of wimpy cafeteria Catholics in the US and Euro-weenies over in France think it would be really "groovy" to take communion from a woman.

Joe Scarborough
But isn't it true...

Ray Flynn
And if you ask me, they don't want just any woman as their priest, they'd prefer the kind of woman who shaves her head, but not her armpits, if you know what I mean.

Joe Scarborough
I think I do, Mr. Ambassador, but isn't it true that there are many Catholics who believe that women should be allowed to become priests?

Ray Flynn
A lot of people watch that Extreme Makeover Home Edition too, that doesn't mean the show's not a steaming pile of dog crap.

Joe Scarborough
Good point. Mike Barnicle, what do you think about this fascination that the mainstream media seems to have with trying to predict whether or not this Pope will be a hit or a flop?

Mike Barnicle
I don't know, Joe. I mean, the guy is barely out of the bullpen, he's just dropped the rosin bag and stepped on the mound, and already people are wondering how many innings he'll go before someone really gets a piece of him...

[Notices Scarborough glaring at him, obviously annoyed]

Mike Barnicle
What? Did I say something wrong?

Joe Scarborough [Sighs]
I asked you about the pope.

Mike Barnicle
I was getting to that...

Joe Scarborough
Just forget it, all right? Ron Reagan, this pope's election has many members of the gay community up in arms. Andrew Sullivan's blog, for instance, has basically been one long panicked anti-Benedict screed ever since the bells rang in St. Peter's Square just about a week ago. What is it about this pope that stirs such strong emotion among gays, and gay men in particular?

Ron Reagan
Well, Joe, the fact is that this...Wait a minute, why are you asking me what the gay community thinks?

Joe Scarborough
It's just a question, that's all.

Ron Reagan
And why did you say 'gay men in particular'?

Joe Scarborough
It's topical. You're an analyst...

Ron Reagan
I'm married, you know.

Joe Scarborough
No one said you weren't married. What is the big deal about...

Ray Flynn
And come one - do they really expect us to believe that one guy can remodel an entire room from scratch by himself in one week?

Joe Scarborough
I don't know, Ray, it's a TV show, all right?

Ron Reagan
OK, so I was a dancer, all right? That was a long time ago, and there are plenty of male dancers who are happily married, and they...Married to women, I mean...

Joe Scarborough
Are you still on this, Ron?

Ray Flynn
You didn't wear those knit stockings, did you?

Ron Reagan
They're called leg warmers, Ray, not stockings! Dancers use them to keep their legs warm.

Ray Flynn
Hey, you say tomato...

Mike Barnicle
You know, Joe, it's like all this talk about Wells - here's a guy with a nineteen-year career, a record of 214 wins, and just because he's on a fifteen-day disabled list everyone's wondering if he's gonna be able to come back.

Joe Scarborough
Mike, do you think it would be possible for you - just this once, as a personal favor to me - to get through a discussion without mentioning the Red Sox?

Mike Barnicle
But Joe, the guy's contract is incentive-loaded. Did you know he earns $200,000 per start? That's a lot of...

Ron Reagan
You ask Ray about women women in the priesthood - I know about women. I could answer that question.

Joe Scarborough
Look Ron, nobody thinks you're gay, all right? No one cares that you were a dancer or that you wore stockings...

Ron Reagan
Leg warmers! They were leg warmers!

Ray Flynn
And the guy's not even working the whole week - he spends about half his time prancing around with his shirt off, yelling into that damned bullhorn he carries around.

Joe Scarborough
Are you still on the TV show??

Ray Flynn
It just burns my ass is all!

Joe Scarborough
Why do you even care? What's the difference?

Ron Reagan
Because I'm a married man. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being gay, it's just not...

Joe Scarborough
I wasn't talking to you, Ron, I was talking to Ray.

Mike Barnicle
Joe, all I'm saying is, at this point the Sox have gotta be worried about their bench, I mean Wells is...

Ray Flynn
What do you mean you were talking to me? You trying to say I'm gay too? That's a load of...

Ron Reagan
What do you mean "gay too"? I told you, I'm not...

Joe Scarborough
Ray, I wasn't saying that you're gay, I was talking to Ron.

Ron Reagan
I am not gay!

Ray Flynn
Well, then you shouldn't be wearing stockings.

Ron Reagan
That was a long time ago...

Mike Barnicle
I thought you said they weren't stockings, Ron.

Ron Reagan
They weren't! They were leg warmers!

Joe Scarborough
I didn't say you were gay!

Ray Flynn
I know, you already said that, I'm past it.

Joe Scarborough
Not you, Ray - Ron!

Ron Reagan
And of course, you always talk football with Mike. Yeah, with him it's macho sports talk, but you ask me...

Mike Barnicle
It's baseball, you idiot.

Ron Reagan
What?

Mike Barnicle
You said football. The Red Sox are a baseball team, not a football team.

Ron Reagan
I know that! I know that! It was a slip of the tongue. I know the difference between football and baseball.

Joe Scarborough
All right, can we please get back on topic here?

Mike Barnicle
I forgot - what were we talking about?

Ray Flynn
Beats me.

Joe Scarborough
Oh..yeah...uhh...we were talking about my book, Rome Wasn't Burnt In a Day.

Mike Barnicle
Are you sure that's what we were talking about?

Joe Scarborough
Yeah, and I was just getting to the part where I talk about how I went up against Republicans just as many times as I went up against Democrats.

Ron Reagan
Hey, if you can talk about your book, can I talk about my show?

Mike Barnicle
What show?

Ron Reagan
I have my own show now, with Monica Crowley.

Joe Scarborough
You do? What network is it on?

Ron Reagan
Are you kidding? It's on this network. You didn't know?

Joe Scarborough
Oh, uhh...yeah...I just, uhhh, forgot.

Producer [Voice from off-stage]
Your book wasn't the topic of the show, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
Are you sure? Because I have some really great stories about...

Ron Reagan
You didn't know I had a show, I can't believe this.

Producer
We're out of time anyway

Joe Scarborough
Oh, too bad. Well, be sure to join us tomorrow on Scarborough Country...

Ron Reagan
How could you not know I had my own show?

Joe Scarborough
Oh, for crying out loud, Ron - nobody watches MSNBC.

Producer
Still on the air, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
Crap!

 

The Butterfield Family

I saw a post from Ace earlier on Fox Butterfield's apparent inability to grasp the correlation between a reduction in crime rates and an increase in prison popluations.

Fox's sister Betty is quite an analyst in her own right, although she has has not, for some reason, achieved the level of fame and notoriety her older brother enjoys.

She has some interesting thoughts on the war in Iraq, and has summed them up nicely here.

Well said, Betty.

Just Gets Worse For Bolton

I've obtained a copy of what appears to be a deposition submitted to the Foreign Relations Committee during the Bolton hearings. It was submitted by someone who was apparently a high-level adviser during the Clinton administration, identified only as "The Sandman":

Some time in late to mid 2003, I was doing some important research at the National Archives. I was finishing up for the day, and as I prepared to leave, I did what people normally do when they have been sitting for a long period of time - you know, tuck in the shirt in the front, adjust the tie, make sure the socks are pulled up, tuck in the shirt in the back, straighten the jacket, tuck in the shirt on the left side, pull your cuffs down and fasten the cufflinks again just to make sure they're secure, tuck in the shirt on the right side, make sure your zipper is up, check the tuck in the back and sides, final check of the socks, the usual.

Anyway, as I was preparing to leave I noticed that a few people seemed to be staring at me for some reason, including a few security guards, who were standing with a man who had a very sloppy haircut and a bushy mustache. They were making me nervous because they seemed to be watching every move I made - even as I was checking the cuffs on my trousers to make sure they hadn't fallen - and they were talking in very hushed tones.

I planned to just walk out as I normally did after my final shirt-tuck check, but they made me so nervous that I must admit I broke into a run for the front door. The man with the mustache yelled "After him!", and when heard his voice, I realized I was being chased by John Bolton.

He chased me out of the building as I headed for my car, where my driver was waiting with the engine running and the door open, and just before I jumped in he actually caught hold of me for a moment, and was reaching into my pants, saying "Give them back! Give them back!" I honestly didn't know what his intentions were, so I kicked him in the groin, nearly losing several important documents in the process. This caught him off guard momentarily, and I told my driver to take off.

When I looked back, Bolton was standing in the driveway holding his groin with one hand and shaking his fist at me with another.

As someone with considerable experience in international diplomacy, I must say I have my doubts about Mr. Bolton's ability to function in such a position, given his temperament and propensity for violence. I managed to escape with only minor paper cuts, the next person to tangle with Mr. Bolton might not be so lucky.

I'm Completely [Insert Emotion]

I don't usually get mixed up in these things, but did you [see or hear] what [person or persons] [wrote, said, telegraphed, ceremonial danced or spraypainted] about [person, place or thing] at [name of blog, web site, newspaper, magazine, periodical, empty wall, SUV, chat room, fast food establishment, government building, coffee house, radio or television talk show, annual parade or local pub]?

I really don't want to take sides, but I have to say that I though it was [overdue, an obvious breach of contract, uncalled for, just what the doctor ordered, probably Bush's fault, out of line, a breath of fresh air, extremely insensitive, a smart move on (his or her) part, beyond the pale, just like what happened to me that one time in Wisconsin, a plea for sanity, one of the weirdest f**king things I have ever (seen or heard) in my life, or just downright embarrassing].

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

I expect it won't be long before we see [indifference, giddiness, really bad "Riverdancing", more trite excuses, a rare moment of candor, inconsolable blubbering, another boring fifteen-minute lecture about how pilates is really great for your "glutes", righteous indignation, the "hard sell", psychotic rage, coquettish flirtation, buyer's remorse, a big carb hangover, more backpedaling, an on-air confession, a ham-handed attempt at an apology, or a sudden burst of energy] from [whoever - I don't know, I'm lost].

I think I speak for most of us when I say that I [knew this day would come, dread the inevitable carnage, wonder what Dr. Phil would say, have been waiting all my life for something like this, don't really give a sh*t, can't understand how something like this could happen after all we've learned, feel like a kid in a candy store, lie awake nights wondering how we can prevent this from ever occurring again, hope they sell tickets because I want a front-row seat, don't know how people can deny that this is taking place in their own neighborhoods, don't know why it took so long, or can't wait till it's over so we can all get back to] [whatever the hell we were (or at least should have been) doing before this all started].

This will be my last comment on the subject.

John Bolton: Hothead

You know, I was rooting John Bolton, then I read this New York Times article, and it helped me to understand the effect that Bolton's harsh manner had on some State Department employees.

According to The Times, a number of declassified e-mails "...provide new details of the bruising battle that John R. Bolton, then an under secretary of state, waged with analysts at the State Department and the Central Intelligence Agency in 2002."

The e-mails include messages from Thomas Fingar, the No. 2 official in the State Department intelligence branch, who wrote to one Christian P. Westermann, State's top expert on biological weapons on September 25, 2002:

"I am dismayed and disgusted that unwarranted personal attacks are affecting you in this way."

Man, Bolton must have said something really mean to upset Westermann so badly. Luckliy, Fingar was there to smooth his ruffled feathers. And that wasn't the first (or last) time Tom Fingar had to step in and reassure someone whose self esteem may have been damaged by John Bolton's abrasive manner:

Mr. Redenbacher,

Please know that I am appalled by the acerbic criticism leveled at both you and your fine product(s) by Mr. John Bolton.

I have personally pointed out to Mr. Bolton on more than one occasion that your label clearly indicates the contents are "buttery flavored," so his accusations of deceptive packaging are in my opinion both unwarranted and disingenuous.

I am indeed saddened to hear that Mr. Bolton's missive has affected your health to the extent that you have stopped working on the development of your "Krispy Kajun Kettle Korn" flavor line, and I believe I speak for the majority of State Department employees when I say that we hope you are back in the saddle (so to speak) soon.

With regards,

Thomas Fingar

---

Mr. Daly,

I am writing on behalf of the many employees and administrators of the State Department whose opinion of your late-night show stand in stark contrast to that of Mr. John Bolton.

While Mr. Bolton may be of the belief that you are "stiff" and "uncomfortable in your own skin", most of us realize that we have the great privilege to be part of a courageous experiment in performance art unparalleled since the death of Andy Kaufman.

And his comments eluding to your ineptitude as an interviewer make it painfully clear that he is unable to discern a parody of a bad talk show from the real thing. Confidentially, there's a joke going around here at State that Mr. Bolton thinks that "Spinal Tap" was a real documentary. Heh.

Rest assured, Mr. Daly, that while Mr. Bolton might not "get it", there are many who do, and we appreciate the effort you put into each and every show.

Keep up the good work,

Thomas Fingar

 

Yes, But How Catholic *Is* He?

Judging from the MSM (I hate that acronym) coverage and commentary from some bloggers, seems he's hovering between orange and red.

 

Blogging With Clippy

Well, I decided to try the new MSN Spaces blogging software. This will be my first post using Spaces.

I couldn't believe my eyes today when I saw photographs of the ACLU's "Legal Observers" (who are allegedly watching the Minutemen on the US-Mexico border to make sure they're not violating the law) actually smoking pot. The first thing that came to my...

 

 

 

 

I haven't even had a chance to try the software!

 

 

 

 

It's got nothing to do with money! I'd like to use the software before I decide whether or not I want to upgrade, so please leave me alone.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the first thing that came to my mind when I saw these...

 

 

 

 

WTF??? What does that mean?

 

 

 

 

I don't think that was Chinese...look, since I'm typing in English, I would think you would know that's the language I want...forget it. Now I forgot what I was writing.

 

 

 

 

Oh, right. Thanks. So, when I saw these photos...

 

 

 

 

I'm not even using IE!

 

 

 

 

This software is really pissing me off! I'm trying to write one damned post and I can't even get a sentence out before...

 

 

 

 

Oh, COME ON!

 

 

 

 

I don't want any error messages - this is freaking ridiculous! Just forget it, all right? There's no way I'm using this software.

 

 

 

 

Hey wait, I don't want to talk to your supervisor!

 

 

 

 

Well, it is new software, so I guess I should expect a few problems.

 

 

 

 

Are you talking about your supervisor?

 

 

 

 

He seemed nice enough.

 

 

 

 

Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, I have to get back to...

 

 

 

 

You're married?

 

 

 

 

No, it's just that, uh...

 

 

 

 

No, I uh...never mind. Listen, I really have to get back to work, and I'm losing my patience with this software. If I have one more problem I'm giving up and going back to my old software.

 

 

 

 

The first thing that came to to mind when I saw the...

 

 

 

 

NO! I don't want an Easter egg! I just want to write a damned post!

 

 

AND HERE'S YOUR REWARD.....

 

 

 

 

That's it, I'm outta here.

Update II: Clippy came back.

Update III: And then again.

Update: Florida Cracker (pictured above) tracked down: Clippy the Microsoft Office Paperclip: The E! True Hollywood Story.

H/T: Paulie

Drud Report

Somewhere in New Jersey, about a million years ago.

Tor
Why are you silent, Grok? It seems as though your mind is elsewhere.

Grok
I am bored, Tor, and I am wondering what news of other tribes.

Tor
You are in luck, my friend, for today Drud will visit our tribe.

Grok
Who is this "Drud"?

Tor
Oh, he is a great Newsteller. He travels among many tribes, and brings the very latest news to all.

Grok
A Newsteller? Do I look as if I am made of valuable items that can be traded for good or services? You know I cannot afford a Newsteller, Tor, I am but a simple Hunter.

Tor
Fear not, Grok. Drud does not ask for payment.

Grok
A Newsteller who does not ask for payment? I have not heard of such a thing. How can he do this?

Tor
Volume! I kid, but seriously, he does not require that you pay him directly, he simply...wait, here he is now. Greetings, Drud.

Drud
Greetings, Tor.

Grok
LOOK OUT DRUD! THERE IS A CREATURE ON YOUR HEAD!

Tor
Get a grip, Grok! That is Drud's hat.

Grok
Oh. I am sorry, Drud, it is just that people do not usually wear hats unless water falls from the sky, and I have never seen such a strange hat.

Drud
I wear a hat because I am "quirky", Grok. And you have never seen such a hat because no one has worn one such as this since the tribe of the Soltar ruled this land, many suns ago.

Grok
I understand...I guess.

Tor [Walking away]
I will bring the others, Drud.

Drud
So, Grok, have you heard about Zonk, chief of the Lok tribe?

Grok
No, is he battling someone for rule of the tribe?

Drud
No, but it seems that Zonk is the real father of the son of Tana, wife of the Kotar tribe's chief.

Grok
Ugh. This is gossip, Drud, and I do not care for gossip.

Drud
Well, if you want to hear my news for free, you must also hear a certain amount of gossip.

Grok
Very well, I suppose that is only fair, but I still find it distasteful.

Drud
Many do, but I was the first to bring the news that Chief Porkol of the Zelkor tribe was visiting the cave of his young servant girl. That was news, but many said it was merely gossip.

Grok
I have no opinion, except to say that this was a personal matter for Chief Porkol.

Drud
Ahh, but what if Chief Porkol was visiting the cave of your wife or daughter?

Grok
Then I would be forced to club him. But Drud, I first heard this story in a Newscave.

Drud
Those cave-painters only painted the story after I told it! They are the dinosaurs of newstelling.

[The other tribe members arrive and gather around Drud]

Tor
Please begin, Drud.

Drud
Before beginning, I would like to ask you all to consider consulting with Kabor, Spirit-Speaker from the tribe of Lok for all your spirit-speaking needs. Whether you want simply to speak with a former tribe or family member, or to contact a powerful spirit to ask that he stop the water that falls from the sky, Kabor's powers will benefit you greatly.

Grok [Whispers to Tor]
Drud must be greatly impressed with the powers of this Spirit-Speaker, for he speaks highly of him.

Tor
No, Grok, this advertising. It is what allows Drud to provide his newstelling service for free.

Drud
Now for the news...Sir, where are you going?

Beltor
I did not know this gathering was for the purpose of hearing a Newsteller.

Grok
Are you not interested in hearing news, Beltor?

Beltor
I hear my news from Blog.

Grok
Who is this "Blog?"

Beltor
He is Tomar's son, and he is a very good Newsteller.

[The crowd begins to mumble, eying Drud with suspicion]

Drud [appealing to the crowd]
I have been a Newsteller for many many suns. It is not an easy task...I am influential! Is this Blog influential?

Tor
Let us make a contest - wife, summon Blog!

Drud
Listen to me, everyone - we have entered an era vibrating with the din of small voices. Every tribe member can be a Newsteller, but din is growing into a cacophony.

[Tribe members exchange looks of confusion]

Grok
What does this mean?

Drud
I do not know. It sounded good in my head, and yet it made no sense once I spoke the words.

Lopor [From the middle of the crowd]
What of Glin? He is also an excellent Newsteller.

Tor
Glin the Learned?

Lopor
The same. He has a very unique way of relating the news. He also knows much about dinotechnology.

Grok
Someone summon Glin, he can take part in the contest.

Tor
Grok, what is this dinotechnology?

Lopor
All I know is that it is very boring, and that Glin will talk about it from one sun to another if you mention it.

[Blog approaches]

Tor
Welcome, Blog, we are having a Newstelling contest. Ah, Glin approaches.

Lopor
No one mention dinotechnology!

Tor
Welcome, Glin. We are having a Newstelling contest, and Lopor tells us you are an excellent Newsteller.

Glin
Indeed?

Tor
Indeed. So, let us hear from Drud, then we will hear from Blog and Glin. Proceed, Drud.

Drud
Before beginning, I would like to ask you all to consider consulting with Kabor...

Voice from the crowd
Get to the news!

Drud
Yes, well, uh, I learned today that the tribe of Soktor will levy a tax requiring each tribe member to contribute one-quarter of their hunting spoils to the chief. In other news, a woman clubbed her husband over the head today when she found him in the cave of another...

Beltor
What about Soktor?

Drud
I have just told you of Soktor.

Beltor
But you gave us no details.

Drud
If you want details, you must travel to Soktor. And when you do, remember to stop by the tribe of Lok...

Beltor
If I must go to Soktor for details, then why should I listen to you?

Drud
I will tell you of news from many tribes, if you are interested in any of this news, you are free to travel to that tribe.

Beltor
I will say this again - if I must go to a tribe myself, why should I listen to...

Tor
Enough, Beltor. Let us now hear from Blog.

Blog
Very well. The Chief of the Soktor tribe wishes to impose a tax requiring each tribe member to contribute one-quarter of their hunting spoils to him...

Drud
This is what I said - he is only repeating the news as I told it!

Beltor
Allow him to finish, Drud.

Blog
I believe that the Soktor Chief should tell the tribe members what they will receive exchange for this tax. Hunters should know why they are giving up their hard-earned spoils.

[Some tribe members, obviously impressed, nod in agreement]

Drud
This is not news! What concern is it of yours what the Soktor Chief does with his tribe?

Blog
Do you not believe that our own Chief will want to impose a similar tax when he hears how much the Soktor Chief is collecting? For this reason, we should all be concerned.

Beltor
Behold! Blog provides context, and tells us of the impact this event may have on our own tribe!

Grok
Beltor is right. Blog is a great Newsteller!

[Several people in the crowd begin to chant]
Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog!

Tor
Now let us hear from Glin.

Glin
Certainly. It seems the Soktor tribe will soon be forced to pay a tax of one-quarter of their hunting spoils to the chief...

Drud
Again, this is what I said!

Lopor
Let him finish!

Glin
Blog believes that the Chief should tell the tribe members what service he will provide in exchange for this tax. I agree that hunters should know why they are giving up their hard-earned spoils, and as Blog says, own Chief way want to impose a similar tax...

Blog
Now he is repeating what I said!

Lopor
Let him finish, Blog.

Glin
As Blog says, our chief may wish to impose a similar tax when he hears how much the Soktor Chief is collecting.

Indeed.

Lopor
Somehow, Glin the Learned made the story sound much more interesting.

Tor
I agree, he sounded...I don't know, more learned.

Grok
Glin is the greatest Newsteller in the land!

Everyone
Glin! Glin! Glin! Glin!

Drud
And so begins the cacophony

 

Blog Fights

You know, as I write this, there are some pretty intense fights going on at a few other blogs. I'm talking blood-soaked, knockdown-dragout brawls.

I was reading the comments of some of the participants, and many of them are hurling spiteful, hate-filled insults of a very personal nature at each other. They're attacking each other's ideologies, ridiculing opinions they don't agree with, and trying their best to humiliate and belittle each other rather than address the issue(s) from which their basic disagreements arose.

And as I was reading these comments, I couldn't help but wonder - why there are never any good fights here?

Come on! There are somewhere between 21 and 25 people who read this blog on a semi-regular basis, and we have yet to have a decent brawl here!

WHAT ARE YOU, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 21 AND 25 WUSSIES??

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 21 AND 25 QUAKERS??

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 21 AND 25 DOPE-SMOKING PACIFIST HIPPIES??

OR JUST SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 21 AND 25 SLACKERS??

Doesn't anything piss you off? Well, then grow a spine already!

You people make me sick!

WuzzaDem FAQ

Q: What motivated you to start blogging?

A: I don't know, I think I was bored.

---

Q: What's that smell?

A: Oh, man! I stepped in dog crap this morning, there's still some on my shoe.

---

Q: Excuse me, are you allowed to smoke here?

A: I'm outside! Are you actually asking me if I'm allowed to smoke outside?

---

Q: IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

A: Not really.

---

Q: What do you want for dinner?

A: I don't know, what do we have?

Q: The usual. And that was a question, not answer.

A: What's the usual? And that was an answer, not a question.

Q: The usual - you know, what we usually have, and I know that's not a question, but I don't really care.

A: All right, well, let's just have whatever.

---

Q: Paper or plastic, sir?

A: Uhh, plastic.

---

Q: I DON'T GET IT!

A: That's not even a question.

---

Q: What is that smell?

A: Oh, man, I've still got dog crap left on my shoe! I hate these waffle soles.

---

Q: Hey, are you blind? The light's green!

A: Yes, I can see that. It takes me a second to move my foot from the brake to the accelerator, you know.

---

Q: Excuse me, where can I find the vacuum cleaner bags?

A: I don't work here.

Q: Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you're wearing that...

A: Red shirt, I know, someone else just asked me for help, but I don't work here.

Q: Well, it looks like the same shirt that the people at the registers are wearing.

A: Yes, I know. It's a red golf shirt. People who don't work at Target do wear red golf shirts, you know.

Q: If you don't want to help me, just say so, I'll ask another one of the employees...

A: Like I said, I'm not an employee here, OK?

Q: Well, you could be saying that just because you don't feel like helping me.

A: Do you see my shopping cart? Would I be pushing around a shopping cart with boxer shorts and Windex in it if I worked here?

Q: I know about "go-backs", young man, maybe you're supposed to be putting those things back on the shelves.

A: Are you out of your f**king MIND? What are you, some kind of psycho Target stalker or something?? Get away from me, right now!

Q: All right, that's it - I'm going to talk to your manager.

A: I DON'T WORK HERE YOU WACK JOB!!!

---

Q: Sir, paper or plastic? SIR???? PAPER OR PLASTIC???

A: What? Are you talking to me?

Q: Yes sir, I thought you would know that since I'm looking right at you!

A: I thought you were looking at the guy behind me - I just told you a minute ago that I wanted plastic!

Q: Well, I didn't hear you!

---

Q: Geez, what is that smell??

A: DAMN IT! I can't get this f**king dog sh*t off of my shoes!! This is really pissing me off!!

---

Q: Are you sure this is a designated smoking area?

A: I'm OUTSIDE! Leave me alone!!!

---

Q: Hey did you hear what I said? The f**king light is green, a**hole!

A: I CAN SEE THAT! THE ENGINE DIED, SO YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR F**KING HORN! !

Glenn Has Questions...So Do I

I'm just a "small" blogger, so I was flattered when Glenn from 'It's A Pundit' contacted me to ask if I would agree to be interviewed by phone. I'm still not sure which Glenn I was speaking with.

Glenn
So how long have you been blogging?

John
Not long.

Glenn
Can you be more specific?

John
Oh, sorry, I'm a little nervous. Let's see, I put up my first post at the very end of November of 2004.

Glenn
So just about five months.

John
Right. Was that a question?

Glenn
No, just thinking out loud.

John
Oh, um...OK.

Glenn
Is something wrong?

John
Well, when you said "That's just about five months," I asked you if that was a question.

Glenn
Right. So what's your point?

John
It's just that up until that point you would ask a question, then I would answer, then you made a statement and I asked you a question, so we went from Q/A, Q/A, to A/Q. See what I mean?

Glenn
Yeah, I see what you mean. You know, just now I just asked a question, you made a statement, then asked a question at the end.

John
Well, we're really screwed now, because you just made a statement instead of asking a question again - and not to nitpick, but my question at the end of that last statement was actually a rhetorical question.

Glenn
What does that mean?

John
What does what mean? Oh, great, now I just answered your question with a question.

Glenn
And then you made a statement. What does "rhetorical" mean?

John
Rhetorical. You know, a question that's asked for effect, one that doesn't require an answer.

Glenn
A question that doesn't require an answer?

John
Yes, a rhetorical question.

Glenn
You think I'm an idiot? There's no such thing.

John
Are you nuts? You've never heard of a rhetorical question?

Glenn
Damn it! Now I just asked a question, then made a statement, and you answered with two questions. This interview is all screwed up.

John
OK, once again, your question was rhetorical, as was my first question, so if we discount those, then technically, you made a statement and I asked a question.

Glenn
That would still mean that we had it backwards again!

John
What do you mean?

Glenn
Now we just got it backwards again. Stop making me say things that aren't questions!

John
I'm not making you do anything, and now neither one of us is asking or answering questions. You suck as an interviewer.

Glenn
Well, interviewing is not what I do for a living, I'm a professor, you dipsh*t!

John
Aren't professors supposed to know when to ask questions?

Glenn
We're doing it backwards again!

John
I don't freaking care any more! As far as I'm concerned this interview was over when you screwed up in the first few questions!

Glenn
At least I'm not making sh*t up!

John
Making what sh*t up??

Glenn
You're making up words, trying to say that there's some kind of question that people ask when they don't want an answer!

John
IT'S A RHETORICAL QUESTION, ASSH*LE!

Glenn
IF YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER THEN IT'S NOT A QUESTION!

John
.....

Glenn
.....

John
.....

Glenn
I think it's best we terminate this interview.

John
I agree. Good day, sir.

Glenn
Indeed.

[Click]

I don't think I'm going to do any more interviews.

 

Times Needs Support(er?)(s?)

Powerline caught this rather embarrassing slip by the New York Times online in their recent hit piece on Pope John Paul II.

Sandwiched between two paragraphs of snipes and snarks, Hindrocket found the following:

need some quote from supporter

Of course, our friends at The Times would definitely have to venture outside their offices to find anyone who might be supportive of anyone or anything having to do with religion, so they inserted a little "placeholder" while they searched for some "supporter" who would give them a quote, but they forgot to replace it with the quote (if they ever got aroung to 'tracking down' someone who actually 'supported the Pope).

Actually, The Times does this all the time:

get quote from knuckle-dragger who voted for bush

insert line from mouth-breather who supports war in iraq

nonsensical drivel from pea-brained red-state yokel

out of context statement from bible-thumping jesus freak

find racist who supports bush on social security and play up the kkk connection

what kkk connection?

how should i know? make something up

ok, consider it done

oh, i know; what if we corner some hick corn farmer and get him to say something really stupid?

yeah, yeah, we could ask ol' clem few leading questions and just wait for him to stick his shoeless foot right in his mouth. that would be sweet!

hey, remember the time we found that guy that used to work at that conserative think tank?

that schizphrenic homeless guy?

yeah, but of course, we left that detail out of the story

naturally

any way of tracking him down?

i can sure as hell try - hey, if we're lucky he's been off his meds for while

that would be great!

wait a minute - is this actually in the article?

what do you mean?

i mean, i think we forgot to edit this out and people are reading what we're saying

oh, come on! we couldn't possibly be that stupid

i'm telling you, somebody screwed up and this is in the article

oh, crap! what have i been saying? i can't remember, what have i been saying?

shut up, you idiot! don't say anything else

They'll probably be more careful from now on.

H/T: Sean Gleeson