I've Been Kidnapped! (No, Really)

Please help me!

I've been taken hostage by insurgents. They're actually very reasonable people, and decent chaps for the most part - except for the whole kidnapping thing - but they mean business. And by 'mean business', I'm not implying that they would harm me, but they might be forced to take me for a drive, and Mahmoud likes to play 'chicken' at checkpoints, so there's always a chance I could be shot by some overzealous American soldier.

Anyhoo, I'll they'll be releasing a video of me kneeling on the floor of my den the safe house and pleading for my life as soon as my wife Abdul gets the camera from the repair shop his brothers in arms.

In the meantime, they will not release me (although I wouldn't want you to hold it against them, because, as I said, they're pretty decent folks as insurgents go) unless they receive a ransom of $1,000,000 (I think they might be negotiable).

They would prefer that this be done via a Paypal button at this site, but I'm they're still trying to figure out how to get that done.

Ciao!

Comments

[Dave at Garfield Ridge]

Oh God, that's terrible! Those awful terrorists! I'll help you out.

Hmmm.

You got change for a ten?

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

[John from WuzzaDem]

Unless you break out some serious cash I'm going to be here watching satellite TV - I mean suffering in isolation and eating microwave popcorn - I mean gruel for a long time.

[BrewFan]

John,

I'd like to help. Really. I'm just a little short this week. Good luck with that beheading thing though!

[John from WuzzaDem]

Brew, I'm pretty sure they can work out an installment plan that fits your budget.

How about we crunch the numbers and run them by the senior ransom manager?

[Jody]

Fantastic, have you considered ebay? Auction your life from those zany terrorists, you might have a whole untapped market of ransom payers. THIS COULD BE HUGE!

[maria]

I live in the Uk and I have to tell you folks that Sgrena is being held up as a new Joan of arc by the unquestioning liberal left media we have both here and all across Europe.

It is up to Patriotic American Bloggers to get to the bottom of this whole thing.....in the name of Americas pride and honour.

I must use this occasion to make an apology to al Jazeera for the hate mail that I sent them during the Falluja operations. I was not aware that their horrendous lies about Falluja came not from an al Jazeera reporter but from Gilunia Segrena herself who it appears was living and working with the terrorists there.

I mean stories about children being tortured by US troops; women being raped, twenty doctors executed in a hospital, nuclear weapon, chemical weapons and napalm being dropped on the town etc, etc.

I hope and pray that someone; perhaps FOX News, will send an investigative reporter to falluja to carry out a full investigation into Segrenas allegations against US Forces. This woman must be exposed!

[jon]

Al Jazeera is now reporting that the reason the car was speeding towards the checkpoint was that Al Zarkawi was sick of Sgrena's whining about the low wages he paid the insurgents and the low mileage cars they used for bombing and the how the coffee he drank came from non-employee owned fields, that he finally told her to get out or he would shoot her.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Jon,

ROTFLMAO! Damn, my sides hurt.

[maria]

I was actually talking to a highly educated Iraqi Arab lady today.....(I had better not name her org) and she said that Arabs are very suspicious about the whole Sgrena story.

For one thing she said that Sgrena was pictured behind a large bowl of fruit before being released.

She said that in Arab culture this signifies not that Sgrena was a hostage but an honoured guest.

It is a gesture of high respect which could never be accorded in such circumstances as a hostage taking

[John from WuzzaDem]

I hadn't thought of that, Jody. If they can get 18 grand for a grilled cheese sandwich I've got to be worth a few bucks.

But then again, who knows. Anyway, thanks, you were more helpful than those cheap bastards Dave from Garfield Ridge and Brewfan.

[Kiki B.]

Let's see...I've got 2 pennies, a nickel, and a dime. Oops...sorry, that was actually lint. Oh well, 7 cents isn't too bad.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Great. Not only do I have just five readers, they're all skinflints.

[Kiki B.]

Ummm...Nope, John, that's LINT, not skinflint. Sheesh! He wants us to pay his ransom, and he doesn't even read our posts right. ;-)