Hardball With Jed Clampett

I'm Chris Matthews, let's play Hardball. With the 2006 mid-term elections only about eighteen months away, we'll be visiting many of the so-called 'red-states' soon, but today I'm joined by a transplant - a man who moved from deep in the hills of the south all the way to Beverly Hills, California. With me here in the studio is Jed Clampett; welcome to the show, sir.

Jed Clampett
Why, thank ya kindly, Mr. Matthews.

Chris Matthews
Your story is pretty amazing. It says here that one day you were shooting at some food, and then something happened - tell us what that was.

Jed Clampett
Well, like you say, one day I was shootin' at some food...

Chris Matthews
Right, right...

Jed Clampett
And up from the ground come a-bubblin' crude.

Chris Matthews
Oil, that is.

Jed Clampett
Yessir.

Chris Matthews
Is it true they also call it black gold or Texas tea?

Jed Clampett
I can't rightly say, bein' as I don't know.

Chris Matthews
I think I heard that somewhere before, I'm not sure where. So the next thing you know, you're a millionaire. What was your family's reaction?

Jed Clampett
My kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there." Said, "Californy is the place you oughta be."

Chris Matthews
So you loaded up the truck.

Jed Clampett
Yep. And moved to Beverly...Hills, that is.

Chris Matthews
Wow. Now, you obviously moved up a tax bracket after finding oil, right?

Jed Clampett
Nosir, like I was just sayin', we moved to Beverly Hills. Ain't got nothin' against Tax Bracket, just ain't never been there.

Chris Matthews
HA! I love a guest with a sense of humor. But seriously, as a result of that one gunshot you made a fortune in oil, much like the Bushes.

Jed Clampett
Well, lessee, there was some bushes out there that day, and some briar, a whole lotta trees...

Chris Matthews
I was referring to the Bushes in the White House.

Jed Clampett
Well, Mr. Matthews, there's a whole lotta white houses out t' Beverly Hills, and most of 'em's got bushes. Includin' mine.

Chris Matthews
Wow! So what you're saying is that, contrary to popular belief, there are a lot more conservatives in these supposedly liberal areas like Beverly Hills then we've been led to believe, and you would include yourself in that group?

Jed Clampett
Well, that ain't what I said, but you seem like a real smart feller, so I'll take yer word for it.

Chris Matthews
Touché. So why do they keep their political leanings so close to the vest?

Jed Clampett
Hard to say. I don't never wear a vest myself 'cept when I'm goin' to church.

Chris Matthews
Huh. I see - so the only time you and these other Beverly Hills conservatives can really let your hair down, politically speaking that is, is when you're at church.

Jed Clampett
Is my hair hangin' down? Granny was gonna take some shears to it 'fore I went on teevee, but Jethro fell in the cee-ment pond and I had to fish the boy out. By the time he was dried off we was runnin' late.

Chris Matthews
Don't worry, you look great. So let me ask you this - are people in your community, and we're talking specifically about those who are right of center, are they actually concealing their political beliefs and opinions on a day-to-day basis in order to avoid conflict?

Jed Clampett
Well, I wouldn't know nothin' bout that.

Chris Matthews
I understand. I know this is a sensitive subject, and you have a certain social standing to maintain - I don't want to jeopardize that for you.

Jed Clampett
Okey dokey.

Chris Matthews
I understand your nephew Jethro was a Hollywood producer, is that right?

Jed Clampett
The boy did try that fer a while. He never did get to make no movies, tho.

Chris Matthews
You have to do a lot of schmoozing in that business. Do you think he was shut out of the Hollywood social scene because of your conservative beliefs?

Jed Clampett
To be right honest with you, I don't really know what yer talkin' about.

Chris Matthews
Right, right - don't ask, don't tell. Understood.

Jed Clampett
Well, I wasn't about to ask anything, and I ain't exactly sure what it is you don't want me to tell you.

Chris Matthews
HA! I've gotta tell you, you're one of the sharpest guests I've had on this show in a long time.

Jed Clampett
I ain't sure what that means, but sounds like it's a compliment, so thank ya.

Chris Matthews
HA! Stop, you're killing me! So your nephew, he gets out of the movie business - I get the sense he may have been ostracized because of the political climate, but I respect your not wanting to go on the record with that - and he goes into intelligence.

Jed Clampett
Well, I know it ain't proper to boast, but the boy did nearly gradjeeyate the third grade.

Chris Matthews
Wow, and somehow he still managed to get work work as - what kind of spy?

Jed Clampett
Yessir, the boy was a double-naught spy for a spell.

Chris Matthews
Let me just make one thing clear to our viewers before we go any further, and that is that Jethro is no longer active, or there's no way we'd be talking about this. I mean, we don't want another Plame situation on our hands. So why did he stop working as a spy?

Jed Clampett
Well, the hat he was wearin' was right heavy, and it was givin' him headaches somethin' fierce. I ain't altogether sure he was puttin' it on correct.

Chris Matthews
He wouldn't be the first agent that had trouble dealing with the pressures of the job. It's a tough gig.

Jed Clampett
Then he tried to make hisself one o' them shoes what's got a knife in it. Boy put the knife in backwards-like and cut hisself purty bad.

Chris Matthews
I'm not familiar with all these technical terms, but needless to say we honor Jethro's service to his country. Please extend my personal thanks to him.

Jed Clampett
Why, that's right nice o' you, Mr. Matthews.

Chris Matthews
I don't know if you're aware of this, but I was in the Peace Corps for a while myself.

Jed Clampett
...

Chris Matthews
Let's get back to politics. You're an astute observer of human behavior, sort of a Garrison Keillor of the right, you've got a good grasp of politics, at least at a regional level, so let me ask you - what do you think is the biggest challenge facing the Democratic party today? Is it a matter of message, or have they actually become irrelevant in the eyes of blue-state conservatives like yourself?

Jed Clampett
I'm real sorry, Mr. Matthews, but I got no idea what you're gettin' at. Maybe if you use less o' them big words...

Chris Matthews
HA! Oh, this guy kills me. You're really dry, you know that?

Jed Clampett
Well, now that you mention it I am a might parched.

Chris Matthews
HA! HA! You are quick! OK, I understand, you don't want to talk politics and things are getting a little hot.

Jed Clampett
Probly cause o' all these lights you got on in here. I b'lieve that's why I'm so parched.

Chris Matthews
HA! Oh, man, you don't miss a beat. Listen. Mr. Clampett, it's been great having you on the show. We're out of time, but I'd love to have you back sometime, because I've really learned a lot from you. [Turns to camera] That's it for tonight's show, thanks again for watching Hardball.

[Theme music]

Now it's time to say goodbye
To Chris and all his friends

They'll be needin' towels
'Cause their face he's spittin' in

You're all invited back next to MSNBC

To hear Chris ask if them Iraq-folk want democracy

Politics, that is
He likes to yell
Wipe yer chin, boy
Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Other Hardball interviews:

Michelle Malkin

Media on Barack Obama

State of the Union commentary

Did you see Yoda on The O'Reilly Factor?

Comments

[Dean Esmay]

Dang. You nailed both characters perfectly, and really made me laugh...

[John from WuzzaDem]

Wellll, doggies - that' right nice o' you to say, Mr. Esmay.

[Salt Lick]

Wasn't Matthews in the episode about smoking crawdads?

[John from WuzzaDem]

LOL! I plum fergot about that one.

[Loren]

Good one! You really got Matthews' splintered dialog down.

[CS]

Classic, absolute classic.

Umm.. anyone have Crissy's email handy?

[Pile On®]

Is this satire?

Again with the interesting method of time wasting, I look down my nose at thee.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Looks like that there Pile On feller is the new Troll.

[CS]

Uncle John, you thank at feller might need a dose of Granny's sprang tonic, in an enema.

[John from WuzzaDem]

I think maybe he's been dippin' into her rheumatiz medicine. I don't hold kindly to drinkin' on this here blog.

[Pile On®]

Hang on to that there troll, you gots a good en. Pleasantly clueless. I had me a troll one time and had to ban her. She was an adjunct professor of lesbian studies at U of Arizona. Had to ban her cuz she moved from vile and reprehensible to viler and reprehensibler. And that is crossing the line.

[John from WuzzaDem]

You know it's the durndest thing, that there troll never did show himself around here agin'. Appears to me he done tucked his tail 'tween his legs and run off.

Frisky feller, he was.

[Jethro]

What's a lesbian, Uncle Jed?

[jethro]

Hey Uncle Jed, you knows it was a 6th grade ejucation I got. Now let's head to the fancy-eatin' table in the billy-ard room, grab some o-them pot passin' sticks and get to eatin' some of Granny's possum stew!

[Jed Clampett]

Well, boy, I ain't exactly sure what that is, but seems to me it's got somethin' to do with bein' a junk prufesser, if that Pile On feller's cerrect, and I got no reason to doubt his word. Never heard of a 'junk' prufesser a'fore. Wonder if that's what that Ward Churchill feller is.

Sorry 'bout gettin' yer ejucation wrong, I ain't as good as you are with them numbers.

[CS]

The way I he-ard it toll was that this Pile on feller is Miz Drysdale all gussied up in Mr. Drysdale's clothes.
Beats me what fer though..

[Pile On®]

Lessen you be a smilin' when ya says that, those be fightin' werds. Don't you be startin' no cross blog feud less you are ready fer......

uh, whatever, I hated the show, who is Miz Drysdale?

[Charlie Owg]

You've done an excellent piece of work expanding
Flatts and Scruggs' song. For further authenticity,
Jed would be a MITE parched...because a mite is a really tiny bug, and folks in the country sure do know their bugs.

[sanclemman]

I miss Allah. Glad I found you.