Hannity & Colmes: Slow Burn

Monday night:

Guest: Kevin Linterman
President, Democracy Project

Sean Hannity
...so you're saying that every poll worker in Ohio was in on this conspiracy to steal the presidential election from John Kerry?

Kevin Linterman
What I'm saying is that Ohio's Secretary of State made sure that only the people who were part of the conspiracy were in a position to handle the ballots that were ultimately forged or destroyed, which gave Ohio to Bush. The election was stolen.

Sean Hannity
I give up, there's no talking to you people.

Alan Colmes
Mr. Linterman, welcome to the show. Isn't this really about making sure that everyone has a chance to vote? We've all seen the video of people waiting in line for hours, sometimes in the rain, at some polling places in Ohio. Isn't this an issue of fair access, in other words, more machines?

Kevin Linterman
That wouldn't help, because the CIA will still destroy or alter paper ballots, and of course, the computer systems can be hacked, just as they were in the operation Karl Rove oversaw in November.

Alan Colmes
We all know there were some problems in Ohio, and I'm sure that if what you say is true, then we'll be hearing from some witnesses soon.

Kevin Linterman
No we won't, because Donald Rumsfeld is detaining them in a secret maxumum-security facility under the White House.

Alan Colmes
Yes...well...um...

Sean Hannity
We're out of time for this segment, stay tuned for more Hannity and Colmes after the break.

Tuesday night:

Guest: Trey Jackson
Aryan Warriors

Sean Hannity
...so, as far as I'm concerned, your group preaches hate, it's as simple as that. You get no sympathy from me if your complaint is that you can't demonstrate in front of schools in minority neighborhoods carrying signs with the 'N' word on them, in fact, I applaud the city council for not issuing you a permit.

Trey Jackson
Wellsir, I really don't care one whit what you think.

Alan Colmes
Mr. Jackson, welcome to the show. You know, a lot of people don't like some of the things that people like Jerry Falwell and James Dobson say, but you don't hear conservatives calling for them to be silenced, do you?

Trey Jackson
How the hell should I know? I never heard of them.

Alan Colmes
Well, they're prominent figures from the religious right.

Trey Jackson
So what?

Alan Colmes
Well...uh...isn't this battle you're having with your local city council really about protecting everyone's right to free speech?

Trey Jackson
Huh?

Alan Colmes
What I'm trying to say is that your goal is really just to protect the rights of people whose opinions, even those that might be considered to be 'unpopular' and maybe even unpleasant, are nevertheless protected by the first amendment, right?

Trey Jackson
Are you on dope, man? Speak English!

Alan Colmes
Don't you just want to make sure that everyone has the right to protest peacefully?

Trey Jackson
Naw, man, I just don't like colored people.

Alan Colmes
Well, I'm sure many people, while defending your right to say that would, uh...I mean, your group must stand for something else, right?

Trey Jackson
Yeah, we don't like joos, neither. You ain't joowish, are ya?

Wednesday night:

Guest: Ted Rall
Spite-Filled A-Hole, Wannabe Cartoonist

Sean Hannity
...and why you would want to draw a cartoon that shows this man, who lost both legs defending his country as a 'brain-dead hick' is just beyond comprehension. You're a sick person, you're full of hate, and you're beneath contempt as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

Ted Rall
Yeah, well I wouldn't let you spit on me if you did want to.

Alan Colmes
Welcome back to the show, Ted. I saw this cartoon, and I, uh, well, of course, we all support the troops...

Ted Rall
I don't.

Alan Colmes
Well, we may not like the war, but I'm talking about the troops, many of whom are against this war according to some polls that, you know, must be out there somewhere, uh...so, anyway, my point is, uh, you know, the intelligence that led to the, um, decision to go to war was certainly flawed, we, you know, support the troops...

Ted Rall
I don't. There's no draft, so they must have joined the military because they want to kill people, right? Why would I support people who want to kill civilians?

Alan Colmes
Well, there isn't a draft, but the troops are, uh...

Sean Hannity
We have to take a break, when we come back Alan and Ellis Henican will be debating William Bennett and Newt Gingrich about recent developments in Lebanon.

Alan Colmes
Yeah, I uh, looking forward to that...after the break.

Thursday night:

"Mr. Smith"
North American Man-Boy Love Association

Sean Hannity
...you're nothing but a sick, disgusting group of perverts, and you are advocating criminal activity. I think every one of you should be arrested and charged with conspiracy..

Mr. Smith
Sean, we are not advocating...

Sean Hannity
I've seen your web site and your literature, sir. You're advocating child molestation!

Alan Colmes
Mr. Smith, thanks for being here [takes a drink of water, tugs at his collar]. Now, let me just start by saying that nobody wants to see children molested, but this issue is really about...

Mr. Smith
Exactly, Alan, having sex with young boys is not molestation. I'm glad that we can at least agree on that point...

Alan Colmes
That's not what I said! Sorry, didn't mean to yell [mopping his brow with a handkerchief]. I want to very clear on that. That's not what I said, what I'm trying to say is that we don't need the government indicting people and prosecuting them for, you know, something that they might be thinking. I mean, uh...I'm sure there are a lot of things that conservatives might be arrested for thinking if Sean had his way and...

Sean Hannity
Like what?

Alan Colmes
It's my turn! I didn't interrupt you! Did I interrupt you??

Sean Hannity
Sorry, go ahead.

Alan Colmes
What I was saying is that, uh...some people think that conservatives [wipes his brow again]...I mean so-called liberals, uh, because that's just a label, right? But, uh...oh, sorry, looks like we have to go to break. Thanks for joining us on the...

Producer [From off-stage]
Still 25 seconds away from break, Alan.

Alan Colmes
Are you sure?

Producer
I'm sure. 20 seconds now.

Alan Colmes
Because, I, uh, I could have sworn that Pat gave me the signal for hard break and, um, you know, some of our viewers might not be familiar with that term, uh, you see, sometimes in television, we have to take a 'hard break', because, you know...uh...oh, OK, now we have to go to a break , stay with us for more Hannity and Colmes.

Producer
Back in two minutes!

[Alan, breathing rapidly, sweating running down his face, glares at Sean]

Alan Colmes
Why are you doing this to me?

Sean Hannity
Doing what?

Alan Colmes
You know what. The fruitcakes, the nut cases, the sickos, [points at Mr. Smith] I'm supposed to defend a piece of human garbage like this?

Mr. Smith
Hey, you can't talk about me like...

Alan Colmes
SHUT THE F**K UP YOU PERVERT!!

Sean Hannity
Hey, look, you and your liberal friends are the ones that...

Alan Colmes
Stop saying that! Stop saying that! I'm sick of being the liberal! My family watches this show and I'm making an ass out of myself! YOU'RE making an ass out of me!!

Mr. Smith
That's OK, Alan, I'm sure your family is proud of you...

Alan Colmes
What? What did you say about my family??

Mr. Smith
Nothing, I was just saying that...

[Alan lunges at Mr. Smith, gets him in a headlock and begins to punch him in the face repeatedly]

Alan Colmes
STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY! STAY. AWAY. FROM. MY. FAMILY!

[Crew rushes onto the stage and pulls Alan off of Mr. Smith]

Alan Colmes [As he's being dragged off the stage]
I'M FORTUNE'S FOOL! I'M FORTUNE'S FOOL!

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Comments

[Pile On®]

Heh, excellent.

Sometimes being a reasonable lib is tough duty.

[Rob]

That's probably the funniest bit you've ever done.

[John from WuzzaDem]

You people are just cruel, laughing at the guy's...at his...

AAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

Damn, I almost got that out.

[Suburban Commando]

Hilarious...I have a picture in my head of Colmes losing it. It's only a matter of time, you know.

[John from WuzzaDem]

If you look closely, you can see the vein throbbing in his forehead sometimes. I'm not sure, but I think it's getting bigger.

[Zelda]

Excellent as always John!

[Sue Bob]

You made me swallow beer down the wrong way! Ouch, my nostrils hurt!

[John from WuzzaDem]

Wow, I might be up to, like, eight readers now - cool!

Wait a minute, let's see...no, Pile On and Zelda are bloggers, so that doesn't count. So is Sue Bob. Looks like she has a drinking problem, too. Is she drinking at work? Glad I'm not one of her clients.

What kind of name is "Suburban Commando"? Sounds like one of those scary militia guys. Probably looks like that guy from Seinfeld that writes about his knife. Better not say anything about him.

Not sure who this "Rob" guy is, but there's definitely something fishy going on with him. Hmm, e-mail address is from some 'systems' place - probably one of those weirdo hackers that stays up all night eating cheese doodles and watching his war-dialer.

I gotta find a way to attract a better crowd, this is scary.

[Pile On®]

Bloggers are people too Mr. Trackbacks up the wazooo a-hole.

Guess I told you didn't I?

[John from WuzzaDem]

Calm down, Pile. Want some pudding?

[Pile On®]

How do you know if I even like pudding?

[John from WuzzaDem]

You're right, I never bothered to ask.

Mr. Pile On, do you like pudding?

[Cecil XIX]

Hilarious. Suddenly I've got a lot of sympathy for Colmes.

[Cecil XIX]

Hilarious. Suddenly I've got a lot of sympathy for Colmes.

[Carlos]

I've believed for some time that it is only a matter of time before Colmes loses it. It has to be one of the most frustrating jobs in the world, being a lib on a show where there are actually facts entered into the discussion that stand up to scrutiny.

Excellent piece.

[Beth]

Damn, that WAS good!

[John from WuzzaDem]

All I do is cut and paste the transcripts, Beth.

[Guy S.]

Ok, I admit to coming over here via the Rott. This is one quarky site...but that's ok...it's my kinda quark! *Goes to add ya to the humble blog roll. May you and your sense of humor always provide a little extra something to keep the bas***ds from grinding us down.

But judging from the comments above, us bloggers don't count like common folk who happen to just drop in?

Awww to heck with it...adding you anyhow *grin*.

[RightWingRocker]

This rules!

Has anyone showed it to Alan Colmes?

RWR

[Jack Deth]

Outrageously funny stuff, WuzzaDem!

Alan Colmes is such a whiny little Crap Weasel.

Welcome to the Rottweiler Empire!

LC Jack Deth.

[John from WuzzaDem]

RWR - I sent it to him, not sure if he got it. One can only hope.

LC Jack Deth - Thanks, but I must correct you on a minor point - Colmes used to be a whiny little crap weasel. When he started berating Terri Schiavo's family members while she was dying, practically accusing them of lying, he was promoted to flaming piece of shit.

[Exile]

Oh my lord,

I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Excellent!

[Erykk]

This was some really great stuff!

[J]

Hi there. Am in time for the Neocon circle jerk?

[C. Wayne Lammers]

I have written many times to Hannity begging him to have me on his show so I could BITCH SLAP Colmes on national TV. Alas, it never happened, but this site is almost as good. Keep up the good work!
Most Respectfully,
C. Wayne Lammers