O'Reilly Factor: Yoda
Bill O'Reilly
Welcome back to the O'Reilly Factor, I'm Bill O'Reilly. On the impact segment
tonight - among the myriad groups opposing the war in Iraq is one calling itself
The Jedi Council. The group's founder, who goes only by the name Yoda,
has claimed, among other things, that he has been training so-called "Jedi
Warriors" for over eight hundred years, owing his longevity to something
he refers to as "The Force." Joining me now is Yoda - welcome
to the show, sir.
Yoda
To be here my pleasure it is.
Bill O'Reilly
Now, The Factor has done quite a bit of research on your group, but all we've
been able find is a lot of gossip on the Internet, people talking about this
"force" thing, a lotta stuff about the "Jedi", some goofy
talk about a "clone war", and quite a bit about some guy called -
I want to get this right, now - is it Skywalker?
Yoda
Skywalker, yes. Of Anakin or Luke do you speak?
Bill O'Reilly
I didn't know there was more than one, are they related?
Yoda
Father of Luke was Anakin, but Vader he would eventually become.
Bill O'Reilly
So this Vader, or Anakin, or whatever you want to call him, was he the cofounder
of this 'Jedi' group, or what?
Yoda
Jedi was Anakin , but to the dark side he was drawn. If once you start down
the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will...
Bill O'Reilly
Let's not get into all that, because it sounds like a personal thing between
the two of you, and he's not here to defend himself. What I want to know is,
what is the message you're trying to...
Yoda
Do or do not. There is no try.
Bill O'Reilly
I don't want to get into a philosophical discussion with you here - what I want
to do, for the benefit of the folks watching at home, is to clarify your position
is on the war. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you've been quoted as saying
"Wars not make one great," is that accurate?
Yoda
Quoted me correctly you have.
Bill O'Reilly
Mr. Yoda, as you probably know, we at The Factor have been critical of certain
decisions made by the Bush administration, and Rumsfeld in particular, with
regard to the planning and execution of the war in Iraq, especially in the early
stages of the occupation, but I believe that it is vital that we stay
there, at least until their security forces have achieved an acceptable level
of self-sufficiency. Now, what say you?
Yoda
A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, never attack a Jedi does.
Bill O'Reilly
You're spinning, Mr. Yoda, you're spinning. Let me ask you this - do
you concede that there's a difference between a war of intervention, like Vietnam
for example, and a preemptive attack against a country like Iraq, that had been
repeatedly sanctioned by the UN, had violated the terms of a cease-fire, and
was known to harbor terrorists?
Yoda
Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Bill O'Reilly
You're avoiding the question, sir. Listen, you can spout this
pacifist stuff all you want, but at the end of the day, the folks just want
to know one thing - they want to know who's looking out for them. Now, what
would you have the government do - sit back and wait for another attack, or
take reasonable actions to protect its citizens and its interests here
and abroad?
Yoda
Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.
Bill O'Reilly
You're talking in circles, sir, and you're not answering my question.
Yoda
Already know you that which you need.
Bill O'Reilly
I don't know, sir, because you won't give me a straight answer. All I'm
trying to find out is whether there's a difference between you and your Jedi
guys and some of these kooks on the far left. I mean, you've got your Moveon.org,
the International Answer people, and all the others - now, they're never going
to support Bush, no matter what he does. As far as they're concerned, he's evil
- he's just evil.
Yoda
If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of evil.
Bill O'Reilly
But we're not taking the quick and easy path, Mr. Yoda, that's spin.
The president has told us from the beginning that the war on terror was going
to require considerable time and resources. You can disagree with him if you
want to, but...
Yoda
Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor.
Bill O'Reilly [shaking his head]
See, this where you lose most people, in my opinion. The people of this country
have no problem with spirited debate, but you resort to name calling, with the
emperor, and Hitler and all that garbage, then the folks at home tune out. They're
not buying that. They want facts sir, and you're just trying to appeal to their
emotions.
Yoda
For the Jedi, there is no emotion; there is peace.
Bill O'Reilly
We all want peace, Mr. Yoda, but this is the real world, and the fact is, there
are people out there who won't think twice about harming or killing civilians,
including women and children.
Yoda
Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.
Bill O'Reilly
Well, that's one thing we can agree on, so I'm going to give you an autographed
copy of my book, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. Now, I want to
address a subject that's a little sensitive in nature, and I don't want to offend
you in any way, but I'm sure you realize that your appearance is a little unusual,
to say the least, with the ears, you've got the little robe, there...
Yoda
Mmmmm?
Bill O'Reilly
Never mind. Listen, I want to be fair and give you the last word here, sir;
I still don't see how this whole 'Jedi' philosophy jibes with the political
climate post-9/11. What am I missing?
Yoda
The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun the clone war has.
Bill O'Reilly
I have to tell you, I'm not seein' it, sir, I'm not seein' it. Anyway, Mr. Yoda,
we appreciate you bein' a standup guy and coming in here to answer our questions.
Yoda
Beware of the dark side!
Bill O'Reilly
Again with the dark side...all right, when we come back, we'll wrap things up
with the most ridiculous item of the day and some of your mail. You're watching
The O'Reilly Factor.
I needed a "might spew coffee warning" for this!!
Posted by: Sue Bob | February 16, 2005 at 08:29 AM
Very amusing post, this is. Yes. Adding you to my blogroll, I will be.
Posted by: Giacomo | February 16, 2005 at 10:58 AM
Ditto what Giacomo said! I'm laughing my ass off!
RWR
Posted by: RightWingRocker | February 16, 2005 at 11:26 AM
Ditto what Giacomo said! I'm laughing my a** off!
RWR
Posted by: RightWingRocker | February 16, 2005 at 11:27 AM
To be hear my pleasure it is slayed me. And I could hear Bill's voice in my head whenever I read his lines, Yoda's too. But you've got Bill's rap down. The part where he gives Yoda the "Factor for Kids" was perfect.
Posted by: Pete | February 16, 2005 at 04:04 PM
even better than the real thing ...
admit it, sir. it was you that made the tapes with which that woman shook him down. either that or you really are he.
Posted by: Knemon | February 17, 2005 at 04:37 AM
Now that is special, the O'Reilly spoof was dead on and Yoda's commentary and responses, a hillarious jabbing with Bill. Ha, as a first timer, I will be back to look for more good stuff from Wuzzadem.
Posted by: 3GL | February 17, 2005 at 06:54 AM
Classic.
Posted by: Crank | February 17, 2005 at 06:06 PM
I really like the use of Yoda to add humor to a commentary of the very political nature of the war in Iraq. Very interesting points. I had not seen this before.
Posted by: Kevin | February 17, 2005 at 06:06 PM
Mmmmmmm. Tried to "Trackback" my blog to you, I did.
But there is no "try." There is only "Do, or not do."
Not do, I did.
Yes. There is much anger in me.
Trackback to The Bidinotto Blog, you can.
Posted by: Robert Bidinotto | February 18, 2005 at 10:55 AM
I laughed. I cried. Top notch stuff.
Posted by: Paul | February 19, 2005 at 04:44 AM
F'ing brilliant. Perfect 10!
Posted by: William Teach | April 04, 2005 at 05:14 PM
Perfect! I can even hear Oz's voice, and O'Reilly's.
Posted by: Fausta | April 04, 2005 at 05:15 PM
Same here! To read it thinking of the characters voices makes it even funnier!
Posted by: Michael | April 06, 2005 at 07:08 AM
Spot on O'Reilly impression! My sides hurt!
Posted by: Amber | April 13, 2005 at 10:04 PM
This stuff is fantastic! I love the dialog.
Please take a look at some of my PhotoShops which is linked by clicking on my name below. Cheers!
Posted by: Yarbz | June 08, 2005 at 07:49 AM
How do I get a copy of the book oreilly for kids?
Posted by: Basil Fuller | October 23, 2005 at 12:27 PM
When we allow illigal immigrants any ammount of substantive amnisty we insult the process of lawful immigration. The American people are fooled by many things going on at the capital, this will not be one of them: Allowing illigal immigrants in to take these jobs is clearly a circumnavigation of our minimum wage laws and the American Peoples' right to negotiate for fare pay. After all there are no udesirable jobs-- just undesirable pay. When both houses of Congress agree with the President to allow this travisty if decensy, America will know that Industry has Congress in its hip pocket, and the common man has no representation in Congress.
Posted by: Rae N Nodurft | April 06, 2006 at 03:49 PM
Are you suggesting that Yoda is in this country illegally?
Posted by: John from WuzzaDem | April 06, 2006 at 04:10 PM
Nasal spew factor.......10!
Posted by: T_Stormcrowe | July 25, 2006 at 07:33 AM