WuzzaDem

Dan Abrams: Despicable Gasbag

Today Dan Abrams, MSNBC's Chief Legal Hack, took a break from whining about 'the lack of new information' in the Michael Jackson case to comment on Terry Schiavo's plight.

Heaving the kind of exasperated sigh generally reserved for occasions such as showing an incompetent coworker how to use the fax machine for the nineteenth time, Dan reminded both of his viewers that he has said before that "It's time for this saga to end."

By the way, if you're not a high-powered attorney and television speculator like Dan, then you've probably been mistakenly referring to said 'saga' as Terri Schiavo's life.

He then took a moment of his precious time - which is generally reserved for engaging in endless speculation about the many salacious, morbid or celebrity-centric court cases in process around the country - to inform any contemptible dimwits who were either too stupid or too lazy to attend a reputable law school that, "Now all the courts seem to agree that Terri expressed a desire not to live like this, and doctors seem to agree that she's in a vegetative state."

After reading an e-mail from a viewer who had the nerve to question whether or not Terry should be starved to death based solely on hearsay evidence presented by her husband, the esteemed Mr. Abrams resisted his apparent urge to hunt down and urinate on the writer, and answered (exhibiting only the slightest of sneers), "It's not about what her husband wants, it's about what the courts have decided Terri would want."

You would think that Dan, being a high-powered attorney (and television speculator) would take a break from obsessing about the Michael Jackson case on his 'blawg' and familiarize himself with the facts about Terri's case before wishing she would just die and get it over with, already.

Larry Summers Apologizes (Again)

I'm really sick of hearing Larry Summer apologize. Let's hope this is the last time.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize once again for my recent remarks regarding the lack of women in tenured positions in science and engineering. My intention was merely to bring this issue into the light of day in order to provoke an open, honest debate. Critical inquiry is, after all one of the cornerstones of academia. My mistake was that of not choosing my words carefully, a mistake I will not soon make again.

Actually, I think women are actually much better than men at many things. For one thing, they look better naked. A lot better. Well, maybe not if you're gay. But I'm not. I like women. A lot. No offense to the Tinkerbells out there. I don't want to offend any gay guys, those guys are all really buff from all that working out, so they could probably beat me to a pulp. I hope that's not some kind of gay euphemism. You can spot those guys a mile away, too - tan, big muscles, tight pants accentuating those tight buns. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, no offense to any buff, tan, gay guys, it's just that I prefer women. Naked women.

And try having sex with a guy. I mean that figuratively, of course, I'm not encouraging anyone to actually have sex with a guy. Unless they're a woman. Or gay. What I mean is, just try having sex with a guy if you're a guy, and once again, I mean that figuratively. You just can't do the same things with a guy that you can with a woman. Well, now that I think of it, I guess you could...no, that's still not exactly the same. I guess it's close. Hmm, I never thought of that before. Well, they still don't look the same naked.

Not that I've actually seen a lot of guys naked. Well, I had gym class when I was in school, and there were a lot of naked guys in the showers, and I guess a lot of them walked around the locker room without a towel on, so of course I did see them. Not that I was actually looking, they were just there. I mean, I wasn't looking away or covering my eyes or anything, I just wasn't ogling them.

Anyway, in closing, my pledge to the students, alumni and teaching staff of Harvard, and to women everywhere, is that I will in the future choose my words carefully, and weigh the possible impact or consequences of any statements I might make.

UPDATE: Looks like Larry has gotten himself into hot water with this apology. Are You Conservative? has the lowdown.

Format Break: Don't Let Them Murder Terri Schiavo (UPDATED)

UPDATE: Judge Greer has ruled that Terri's feeding tube can be removed March 18th.

The Unpopulist notes that the family is optimistic, as it looks like Florida DCF has opened an investigation into alleagations that Terri was abused while under Michael Schiavo's care.

Anchor Rising has an post with extensive backgound on the case and Terri's condition. Good primer.

Are You Conservative illustrates the pathetic nature of Michael Schiavo's lies.

Florida Cracker reminds us that we don't kill people just because they can't tell us they want to live. Or because some mother f***er with a scumbag lawyer wants them dead.

And Blogs for Terri has an important update on information showing that the son of a bitch leading the fight to starve his EX-wife to death might just be trying to finish what he started. Sorry, those are my words, not theirs.

This is the person they're trying to kill. Watch the video. They want to withhold food and water until she dies.

From Blogs for Terri:

...Michael Schiavo won't allow any more videos of Terri and won't allow an independent filming of Terri reacting with her parents.

And this:

... However, of all Michael’s offensive actions against his wife, what I deem most suspicious was his decision to have Terri cremated immediately upon her demise. In all the documentation on this case, there is not a single account of Terri Schiavo having ever expressed a desire to be cremated. Michael’s excuse is to say that she wouldn’t want a standard burial because she “doesn’t like bugs.” I’m not buying. The likely reason is that Michael has something to hide – like the cause of her numerous bone injuries, perhaps? – and he doesn’t want an autopsy to uncover any incriminating evidence.

Call the White House. Now:

This is a message line with live people answering the phones.

President George W. Bush

(202) 456-1111

Chris Matthews' Lawyer Called

Man on the Phone
Hello, may I speak with John Wuzzadem, please?

John
This is John from WuzzaDem.

Man on the Phone
Oh, I apologize. John, this is Brian Finch, I'm an attorney with MSNBC. Are you the proprietor of the web site Wuzzadem.com?

John
Yes, why do you ask?

Brian
It's come to our attention that your web site features several parodies that show Chris Matthews of Hardball in a somewhat unfavorable light, and we'd like you to cease immediately.

John
I don't have to stop, he's a public figure, and it's satire. Besides, he's the one making an ass out of himself every day on national television. Did you see the show on Monday?

Brian
Yes, why?

John
He quoted a poll where 53% of the respondents said that they don't believe America should be exporting democracy to other countries, so he asks Ron Reagan, "Why don't people like democracy?"

Brian
Are you sure that's what he said?

John
Oh, I'm sure. When I got done laughing, I rewound it and watched it again. You work with the guy, you must know how he is.

Brian
Well...you know, I really can't, uh...

John
Come on Brian...come on...

Brian
Well...I did overhear a conversation he had with one of the producers yesterday, and he...I really shouldn't say anything.

John
Oh, come on, it's just the two of us.

Brian
Well, I guess I could tell you this one thing - the producer told him the ratings were very low, and that they needed to brainstorm on ways to get more people to watch the show...

John
Yeah, and?

Brian
Chris said they should think of another way to get the ratings up, just in case they couldn't get more people to watch.

John
You're kidding!

Brian
Swear to god!

John
Man, that guy is a goober.

Brian
You're telling me. You should try sitting through a meeting with him.

John
That would be torture.

Brian
Do you know how many times I've heard his Peace Corps stories?

John
Oh, man - riding into villages on his scooter...

Brian
And everyone asked him about...

Brian and John
The Beatles!

Brian and John
AAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

John
If I worked there, I'd always be afraid that he'd stop by my office to chat. That would be a nightmare

Brian
Hey, I replaced my old phone with a headset, and I keep it on all the time just in case that happens.

John
No way!

Brian
Way! When he pokes his head in, I just act like I'm on the phone and say something like, "OK, let's go over this contract from front to back," and he leaves.

John
He falls for that?

Brian
Every time!

Brian and John
AAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

Brian
Hey, check this out - the other day I was passing his dressing room before they taped the show, and I heard him rehearsing the same line over and over, emphasizing different words:

"Do you have any proof to back this up, because this is dynamite"
"Do you have any proof to back this up, because this is dynamite"
"Do you have any proof to back this up, because this is dynamite"
"Do you have any proof to back this up, because this is dynamite"

John
You're making this up!

Brian
Wait, it gets better; so I peek in the door, and he's looking in the mirror and saying it with his left eyebrow arched, then his right, then both.

John
Oh man, I'd pay to see that.

Brian
Hey, I get paid to see it.

John
Lucky bastard.

Brian
Or should I say 'I get paid to see it?'

John
Good one, man!

Brian
Or 'I get paid to see it'

Brian and John
AAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

Brian
OK, I should let you go now, but I do want to ask you something.

John
Hey, Brian, you can't ask me to stop doing parodies.

Brian
No, no, I was just going to ask you to let me know the next time you do one - I want to share it with everyone in the office.

John
Sure, no problem.

Brian
I should have you come in here some time - you could see some of this stuff first hand.

John
Whoa, that would be cool.

Brian
Bring your headset!

Brian and John
AAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

 

Google Shilling for Maurice Hinchey

I heard Congressman Maurice Hinchey made an ass of himself on "Inside Politics", trying to justify his assinine "Rove forged the Rathergate documents" theory, so I went to Google to look for a transcript of the show. I should have known better, considering what happened last time.

maurice hinchey judy woodruff transcript

*Were you looking for: Maurice Hinchey proudly representing the 22nd district of New York?

 

hinchey woodruff karl rove documents 60 minutes

*Were you looking for: Hinchey says comments were based on solid circumstantial evidence?

 

hinchey woodruff rove documents forged

*Don't you: ever give up?

 

not this again. look, i just want to see what hinchey said on judy woodruff's show about the rathergate documents, ok?

*Are you afraid he's: going to nail Karl Rove?

 

don't be ridiculous. look, it's not your job to editorialize, you're just supposed to find the quotes for me

Your search - "Google is my b*tch" - did not match any documents

 

oh, come on! look, i didn't mean to offend you, but you have to admit, the guy made some pretty outrageous statements

*Some people: don't think they're outrageous

 

you don't believe what he said, do you?

*Karl Rove: and the repukes framed Dan Rather

 

repukes? where are you getting this stuff?

*From: a blog:

MojoDem
Rove's fingerprints are all over this. More importantly, what America keeps forgetting is when the repuke blogger broke the info on the typewriter keys, there was to be a huge TV news special released on the former Texas Lt. Gov. who was going to go over the ways he helped daddy bush keep baby bush out of Viet...

 

that's from DU! that's not a blog, it's a combination message board and lunatic asylum

*Keith Olbermann: said it was a blog

 

keith olbermann is an idiot, and so are most of the people at DU, including that mojodem guy

*He has over: 1,000 posts

 

all that proves is that he needs to get a life

*He says: Chimp controls the right-wing media

 

the president's name is bush, and if he controls the media, then why are they so anti-bush?

*What about: Faux News and talk radio?

 

it's 'fox' news, and they're just one cable network. and talk radio isn't news

*Faux News is: helping Chimp to systematically destroy the constitiution in order to establish a fundamentalist Christian theocracy

 

that's ridiculous. have you seen one shred of evidence of that?

*MojoDem says : there's no such thing as freedom of speech in the United States any more

 

if there was no such thing as freedom of speech, he wouldn't be able to say that, would he? and he sure as hell wouldn't be able to call bush 'hitler' and 'chimp'

*DUers are: rebelling against the BushCo Criminal Enterprise

 

they're a bunch of losers glued to their computers spewing goofy conspiracy theories

Your search - "they're a bunch of losers glued to their computers spewing goofy conspiracy theories" - did not match any documents

 

go ahead and ignore me, but you know i'm telling the truth

*You are: a typical right-wing rethug

 

i give up. i've been trying to reason with you, but you're just being a big d*ck

Results 1 - 10 of about 249,800,000 for "big d*ck" (0.27 seconds)

24: Terrorism and Torture

I don't know why Dave from Garfield Ridge is complaining about 24. Did he even see the last show?

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida, crack agents for the Counter Terrorism Unit, headquartered in Los Angeles, speed down miraculously empty L.A. streets in their tricked-out CTU-issue SUV. Jack is on the phone with Erin Driscoll, head of CTU.

Jack Bauer
Erin, we're still about five minutes away from the target area - have you set up a hard perimeter?

Erin Driscoll
Of course, Jack, we set up a hard perimeter wherever you go.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Erin, just let me do my job!

Erin Driscoll
What are you talking about?

Jack Bauer
Listen Erin, I don't need a bunch of red tape getting in the way of field ops!

Erin Driscoll
Hey, what the hell is your...?

Jack Bauer
Damn it Erin, I can't have this conversation right now! I'm hanging up!

[Hangs up the phone, turns to Tony Almeida]

Jack Bauer
What have we got on our suspects, Tony?

Tony Almeida [Pulling up records on his deluxe CTU-issue PDA]
Abdul Hassan and Ali al-Jafar, both have ties to Al Qaeda, both have been arrested for terrorist-related activities, including the attempted bombing of a grade school in New Jersey. Sounds like we might be dealing with a couple of Islamic terrorists here.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! Didn't you see the PSA I did during the commercial break last week where I said that, while terrorism is obviously one of the most critical challenges facing our nation and the world, it is important to recognize that the American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism?

Tony Almeida
I don't watch commercials, I Tivo everything - just zip right through the commercials. You really should get Tivo, Jack, it changes the way you watch TV. You can rewind, record two shows at once...

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! I don't have time to get Tivo right now! Anyway, the point I was making is that you can't be throwing around terms like 'terrorist' just because these guys have alleged ties to alleged terrorist organizations, and were allegedly connected to an activity that might be considered by some to be terrorist in nature!

Tony Almeida
All right Jack, I see your point.

Jack Bauer
Call CTU technical and see if they've got those satellite coordinates yet.

[Cut to interior of CTU computer room - Edgar answers the phone]

Edgar
CTU, this is Edgar.

Tony Almeida
Edgar, it's Tony Almeida, do you have the satellite coordinates yet?

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! We need to get those satellite coordinates!

Tony Almeida
I know! I'm getting them now.

Jack Bauer
I can't have this conversation right now, Tony!

Edgar
We're working on it Tony, but we're having technical problems.

Tony Almeida
What kind of problems, are you trying to update the database?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Because we need to do that at least three or four times every episode, you know.

Jack Bauer
Damn, it Tony! Make sure they're updating the database!

Tony Almeida [Rolls his eyes and ignores Jack]
So, are you trying to download files?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Upload files?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Does it have anything to do with files? Come on, give me a hint.

Edgar
We're just replacing the batteries in Sarah's PDA. We were out, but we found some in Jack's desk.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! What's the holdup?

Tony Almeida
They're replacing the batteries in Sarah's PDA, they just found some in your desk, so they're...

Jack Bauer
TELL THEM NOT TO USE THOSE BATTERIES!!!

Tony Almeida
Edgar! Don't use those batteries!

Edgar
Sarah, stop! Don't use those! [heaves a big sigh of relief as sweat rolls down his forehead] I caught her just in time - what's the problem, Tony?

Tony Almeida
What's the problem with the batteries, Jack, are they booby-trapped?

Jack Bauer
No, I got them at Radio Shack, and I just found out they're like five bucks cheaper at Wal-Mart, so I'm going to return them.

Tony Almeida [Shaking his head]
Edgar, go ahead and use the batteries. Call us back ASAP.

Jack Bauer
I'm lost here, Tony. Which way to Crenshaw?

Tony Almeida
I don't know, I don't recognize this area. Hey, pull over and ask that guy on the corner.

[Pulls up to an elderly gentleman waiting at a bus stop]

Jack Bauer
I need to know how to get to Crenshaw - fast!

Elderly Gentleman
Oh, my, I wish I could help you, but I really don't know this area, I just moved here from New York, and I...

Jack Bauer
We don't have time for this, old man! Tell us what we need to know!

Elderly Gentleman
I'm sorry, it's just that I...

Jack Bauer
Grab him, Tony!

[Cut to rear area of SUV. Elderly Gentleman is handcuffed, Tony is pulling his nose hair out with a pair of pliers]

Jack Bauer
TELL US HOW TO GET TO CRENSHAW!

Elderly Gentleman
AAAAAHH! I don't know! I told you, I'm from New York!

Tony Almeida [Grabs more nose hairs and pulls them out]
Tell us, or I swear, you'll have bald nostrils before we're through with you!

Jack Bauer
CRENSHAW, OLD MAN! CRENSHAW!!

Elderly Gentleman
All right, all right, it's, uh, it's right off Broadway and Forty-second. AAAHHHH!

Tony Almeida
He's passed out, Jack. Hey, Broadway and Forty-second - that sounds like New York - maybe he really didn't know.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony, don't be so naive! Push him out the back, let's get going.

Tony Almeida [Looks at street sign as he places Elderly Gentleman on bus stop bench]
Hey Jack, we're on Crenshaw!

Jack Bauer
All right, no use beating yourself up, Tony, what's done is done.

Tony Almeida
What? You're the one who...

Jack Bauer
We don't have time for this, Tony - let's move!

[Cut to Jack and Tony parked in a residential area, Jack is looking through binoculars]

Tony Almeida
Any activity inside the house?

Jack Bauer
It's hard to tell, but something's not right. It's the only house on the block with trash cans out on the curb.

Tony Almeida
You think it's a trap?

Jack Bauer
Could be, I just wish I knew what day they picked up the trash here. Hey, here comes the mail man - ask him.

Tony Almeida [Rolls down the window]
Excuse me, what day do they pick up the trash on this block?

Mail Man
I don't know, I just started this route yesterday...

Jack Bauer
Tell us what we need to know, mail jockey!

Tony Almeida [Shows his badge]
It's OK, we're with CTU.

Mail Man
I'm sorry, like I said, I just started this route yesterday, so I...

Jack Bauer
Grab him, Tony!

[Cut to rear area of SUV. Jack is holding Mail Man, who is screaming as Tony breaks his thumb]

Jack Bauer
TELL US WHEN THEY PICK UP THE TRASH!

Mail Man
AAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Tony Almeida
He's passed out, Jack.

Jack Bauer
We should have started with the pinky, but damn it, we haven't got time to follow protocol!

Erin Driscoll [Over Jack's radio]
Jack - Jack, are you there?

Jack Bauer [Yelling into radio]
Damn it, Erin, I don't have time for this conversation! The last thing I need right now is someone looking over my...

Erin Driscoll
Jack, we have the suspects in custody here at CTU - both of them. We're starting intense interrogation now, get back here as fast as you can.

Jack Bauer
Erin, wait!

Erin Driscoll
What is it Jack?

Jack Bauer
I...I think you should go easy on them.

Erin Driscoll
Why, Jack? Do you have new information?

Jack Bauer
No, it's just that...[Looks at Tony, then both of them looked at the Mail Man passed out in the back] I'm starting to have my doubts about how effective torture really is.

05:59:57 (beep)
05:59:58 (beep)
05:59:59 (beep)
06:00:00 (beep)

 

The Mailbag: Presidents Day

It's time, once again, to answer one of the many reader e-mails that pour into the WuzzaDem inbox on a daily basis.

Reader 'Jimmy' from Mesa, AZ writes to say:

Dear WuzzaDem,

I'm fourteen years old and I enjoy your web site. I was wondering if you could tell me why we celebrate Presidents Day.

Thanks a lot!

Jimmy (Last name withheld in case any left-wing nutjobs decide to try to advance their cause by digging into Jimmy's past just to see if he's ever gone near a strip club or gay bar, then spread vicious rumors about his sexual preference and/or promiscuity, and/or demand his resignation from middle school) from Mesa.

---

Dear Jimmy,

Thanks for your note. The reason we celebrate Presidents Day is to honor the birthdays of two of our greatest Presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

Washington was our first president, and is often referred to as "The Father of Our Country", and Lincoln, who is sometimes referred to as "Honest Abe" because he was considered to be so honest, is best known for freeing the slaves at the conclusion of The Civil War, but I'm sure you'll be learning about all of this soon enough in school.

Take care, and study hard!

John from WuzzaDem

---

Dear WuzzaDem,

I don't know how long it's been since you were in school (actually, for all I know you never went to school), but I learned all that crap about 'Honest Abe", and Washington "chopping down the cherry tree" a long time ago.

And I said I was fourteen, I didn't say I was a moron, so I don't know why you're talking down to me just because I'm only in middle school. You know, Lincoln only had about a year of formal education his entire life, and he wrote The Gettysburg Address, arguably one of the greatest speeches ever written.

What I was trying to ask is why we celebrate Presidents Day on one day, rather than celebrating Washington and Lincoln's birthdays separately. Looks like that went over your head.

Thanks anyway,

Jimmy (Whose name and e-mail address I'm considering printing if he insists on being such a little pr*ck) from Mesa

---

Jimmy,

First of all, my name is not "WuzzaDem", OK? That's the name of the web site. Look at the signature on the e-mail I sent you - you see where it says "John from WuzzaDem"? Most people would look at that and figure out that my name is John.

Think about it - if you sent someone an e-mail signed "Jimmy from Mesa", and they called you "Mesa", my guess is that you would think they weren't very perceptive. But, hey, maybe that's just me.

Now, if you're such a freaking genius that you can lecture me about Lincoln's education and speeches, then why are you bothering me to ask me about Presidents Day? I don't know if you noticed, but my site isn't exactly educational in nature, but I thought I would be nice, and answer your question. And what do I get in return? I get some arrogant little bastard questioning my education.

Sincerely

John (whose web site - not name - happens to be WuzzaDem)

---

WuzzaDem,

I'm sooooo sorry for getting your name wrong. I didn't realize that you were such a rock star.

I actually wrote to you to ask about Presidents Day by mistake - I must have made a mistake when I was typing the URL of the site I meant to visit. Now that I look at your site, I think your saying it "Isn't exactly educational in nature" is the understatement of the year. Are you obsessed with Chris Matthews or what? I bet he had to get a restraining order against you.

And before you start calling a fouteen-year-old a "bastard", maybe you should think about what happened to that guy from Cheese and Crackers - he really got his ass handed to him for doing just that.

Good luck with your goofy web site,

Jimmy (I don't want to get into legal trouble for publishing his e-mail address and his address - yes, I have his address, too - but if you send me a note requesting a copy of the original e-mail he sent me, I don't think anyone could prove I was acting maliciously if I 'accidentally' left his personal information intact) from Mesa.

---

Dear Mesa,

Yes, I remember the whole C&C controversy (as it happens, I was not in a coma or living in a cave at that time), but I think you're comparing apples and oranges. I say this is because, at least to my knowledge, the kid that was called a 'bastard' in that particular case wasn't being a little D*CK.

Since you've got so much time on your hands, why not try learning some manners? I blocked your e-mail address, so don't bother writing back.

Sincerely,

John. That's right, JOHN! IT'S NOT WUZZADEM, IT'S JOHN!!

UPDATE: Basil is quite unhinged about the "Presidents Day" controversy.

 

UPDATE II: Over at My Pet Jawa, C-3PO is answering questions from everyone. He's a giver, that robot.

On The Record With Greta: Mr. Burns

Greta Van Susteren
We have to take a break now, but when we come back, we'll go on the record with the grisly case of a human head found in the freezer section of a Chicago supermarket.

Producer
OK, we're out. Back in two minutes, Greta.

Greta Van Susteren
So, what did everyone do this weekend?

Ted Williams
I watched a "Simpsons" marathon.

Wendy Murphy
I love The Simpsons. That Smithers is so smitten with Mr. Burns, I swear it borders on sexual harassment sometimes.

Jeralyn Merritt
I can't believe what Wendy is saying, Greta! Are you saying Smithers is guilty of sexual harassment when Mr. Burns is the one who's in a position of power? If anybody's guilty of harassment, it's Burns.

Ted Williams
How can you make such a ridiculous assertion, Jeralyn? I've never seen Mr. Burns make any kind of pass at Smithers.

Geoffrey Feiger
Don't be naive, Ted. We're talking about a multimillionaire, he's not an idiot. He knows damned well how Smithers feels about him and he's taking advantage of the situation.

Greta Van Susteren
That's a serious charge, Geoffrey. Do you have any specific examples of behavior on the part of Burns that would constitute sexual harassment?

Geoffrey Feiger
I'm not saying it's sexual in nature, but I am saying he's taking advantage of an employee, and I'd argue that in front of any judge.

Jeralyn Merritt
It's not just Smithers, either. Have you seen the way that man treats Homer, and Lenny, and Carl...

Geoffrey Feiger
Which one is the black one - Lenny or Carl?

Jeralyn Merritt
I'm not sure. Is Carl the black one, Ted?

Ted Williams
Why are you asking me? Am I supposed to know every black cartoon character just because I'm black?

Greta Van Susteren
OK, let's not get off on a tangent, here. Geoffrey, you say Burns is a multimillionaire, is that speculation or do we know that for a fact?

Geoffrey Feiger
Have you seen the size of the man's mansion?

Wendy Murphy
Greta, Geoffrey thinks every business owner is some fat-cat tycoon. For all he knows Burns could be up to his neck in debt.

Ted Williams
In debt? The man personally financed a huge slanted oil-drilling rig that he used to steal the oil that was found under Bart and Lisa's school.

Jeralyn Merritt
The man was stealing oil from children, Wendy. Is that the kind of person you want to defend?

Wendy Murphy
I'm not defending him, I'm just saying that we need to get all the facts before we start passing judgment. So he has a mansion and he financed an oil drilling operation, that doesn't necessarily make him super-rich, and it certainly doesn't mean he's guilty of any crime.

Ted Williams
What about that giant screen he built to block out the sun? I suppose that didn't cost a fortune?

Geoffrey Feiger
Not only did cost a fortune, it got him shot.

Greta Van Susteren
That's right, I almost forgot about that. I can't even remember who shot him.

Ted Williams
Maggie was the guilty party there.

Jeralyn Merritt
I can't believe what I'm hearing, did you just say she was guilty? We're talking about a baby here.

Greta Van Susteren
I know he was hospitalized, but I don't remember what kind of injuries he sustained.

Ted Williams
I don't remember, either.

Greta Van Susteren
Let's bring in Dr. Cyril Wecht, nationally renowned forensic pathologist. Cyril, what kind of injures do you think Mr. Burns sustained when Maggie shot him?

Jeralyn Merritt
Excuse me, don't you mean allegedly shot him?

Cyril Wecht
Well, Greta, there are a lot of factors to take into consideration, such as how far the shooter was from the victim, the caliber of the weapon, as well as the specific...

Geoffrey Feiger
If he keeps treating his employees the way he does, he might end up getting shot again.

Greta Van Susteren
Dr. Wecht, what kind of injuries could we expect to see if he gets shot a second time?

Cyril Wecht
That would depend to a great extent on whether or not any vital organs were affected...

Jeralyn Merritt
Will you people wake up? The man owns a nuclear power plant. What if Smithers or someone else decides they've finally had enough with Burns' ruthless, abusive behavior and decides to sabotage his business? We could be talking about another Chenobyl!

Greta Van Susteren
Cyril, what would be the effect on the population of Springfield if someone did get so angry with Burns that they engaged in some sort of nuclear sabotage? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Cyril Wecht
Acute radiation injuries can be quite severe and extremely painful, Greta...

Producer
And, we're back in three, two, one...[points to Greta]

Greta Van Susteren
Welcome back - earlier this week, a human head was discovered behind a bag of frozen peas in the freezer section of a store on the outskirts of Chicago. Dr. Cyril Wecht joins us now - Dr. Wecht, how long can a person live once their heads been cut off?

 

Randy Rabbit's Alternative Family Adventure

Mrs. R. at Are You Conservative? has been following the adventures of Randy Rabbit, the bunny who introduces little PBS viewers to nontraditional families. Let's see who Randy Rabbit is visiting today.

Randy Rabbit
Hi boys and girls! Today we're going to visit another very special nontraditional family. The mommy plays guitar and sings, and the daddy is a turkey baster. They have three beautiful little girls - Shawna is nine years old, Jennifer is eight, and Kendra is seven.

Shawna
Hi Mommy, hi Daddy.

Melissa
Hi sweetheart.

Turkey Baster
.....

Shawna
Hi Daddy.

Turkey Baster
.....

Melissa
Sweetie, go get your sisters, we're going shopping for school clothes.

Shawna [Skipping out of the room]
Oh, goodie!

Melissa [Glaring at Turkey Baster]
Would it kill you to say hello to your own daughter?

Turkey Baster
.....

Melissa
You're a real piece of work, you know that? I should have listened to my mother.

Turkey Baster
.....

Melissa
Again, the silent treatment. You know what you are? You're passive aggressive, that's what you are. Can't you even get angry? I swear, it's like you're incapable of emotion!

Turkey Baster
.....

Melissa
You are useless, you know that? You're only good for one thing, and I think we both know what that is.

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
You don't lift a finger to help with the kids - it's like they don't even have a father!

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
Nothing. I pour my heart out and I get nothing back from you. I might as well be talking to a f***ing kitchen utensil!

[Shawna, Jennifer and Kendra come into the room]

Jennifer
Mommy, are you and daddy fighting again?

Melissa
Don't be silly, honey, daddy and I are just talking, right dear?

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
I said, we're just talking, right dear?

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
Christ, can you at least make make an effort?

Turkey Baster
....

Shawna [Starts crying]
Please don't fight, mommy and daddy.

Melissa
Do you see what you've done, now?

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
I give up! I've had it with you! Do you hear me? I've had it!

Turkey Baster
....

Melissa
I didn't even want all of these kids! I would have been fine with one, but no, Tarzan doesn't want to wear a condom. He's got to be Mr...

Randy Rabbit
Boy, alternative, nontraditional families sure have a lot of fun, don't they? Next time, Randy Rabbit is going to Utah to visit Jebediah. He's eight years old, and his nontraditional family is really big; he's got nine brothers, twelve sisters, eight mommies and one daddy. I bet we'll learn a lot from them.

 

Scarborough Country Goes Country

With his ratings plummeting, Joe Scarborough tries "Thinking out of the box" in a desperate attempt to grab the attention to the coveted 'red state' demographic. The result is one of the worst 'theme shows' ever recorded.

Joe Scarborough
Howdy there, folks, Joe Scarborough here broadcastin' live from Branson MO...

[Applause, whistles, hoots and hollers from the studio audience]

Joe Scarborough
Thank ya kindly for that, folks, and welcome to a special 'countrified' version of Scarborough Country. Joinin' me tonight from our special barnyard set is a real good ol' boy and MSNBC political-thinkin' guy, Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan [Wearing a cowboy hat]
Howdy doo, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
Howdy doo back at ya, Pat. Now, course, over here we got the other MSNBC political-thinkin' guy, Ron Reagan.

Ron Reagan [In overalls]
Why, howdy, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
And a big ol' howdy right back atcha, Ron. And over here we got one heck of a purdy lady - and a right fine reporter, too - Miss Andrea Mitchell.

Andrea Mitchell [Wearing Minnie Pearl hat, complete with dangling price tag]
Why, howdy there, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
Howdy, Andrea - shor is a pretty hat - that new?

Andrea Mitchell
It certainly, I mean, it shor is, and ain't you sweet fer noticin'.

Joe Scarborough
Feller likes a gal in a purdy hat. Anyhow, tonight on Countirified Scarborough Country - looks like that Negroponte feller...

Ron Reagan
Joe, I've got to interr...I mean, uh, beg pardon, there, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
Yeah, Ron?

Ron Reagan
Well, uh, I know we're out here with all these here good ol' boys and all - which is good, it's real good - but it still just don't seem right to be usin' that word.

Joe Scarborough
Negroponte's his name, ya danged fool.

Ron Reagan
Oh, that feller - sorry 'bout that, Joe.

Joe Scarborough
So like I was sayin', looks like this Negroponte feller might end up bein' the big muckety-muck over all them intelligence folks. He must be a right smart feller, huh, Pat?

Pat Buchanan
Indeed he is Joe...

[Notices Joe glaring at him]

Pat Buchanan
What I mean is, uh, yessir, he's a right smart feller, all right.

Joe Scarborough
Andrea, ain't he been out there in I-Rack for quite a spell now?

Andrea Mitchell
Shor has, Joe. Matter o' fact, he's what you might call the top US muckety-muck over there in I-Rack.

Ron Reagan
Boy, I tell ya, Joe, the way things is goin' over there in I-Rack, that feller's lucky he didn't get him a butt full o' buckshot.

Joe Scarborough
Well, Ron, like I said plenty o' times before, it ain't exactly a hay-ride over there, but it is a feud, and when folks is feudin' some fellers is gonna get hurt.

Ron Reagan
I ain't sayin' they ain't, but seems to me maybe them fellers over there ain't got everythin' they need, so maybe some of 'em's gettin' hurt what shouldn't oughta get hurt.

Andrea Mitchell
The feudin' fellas?

Ron Reagan
Yeah, the feudin' fellas.

Pat Buchanan
Joe, I gotta tell ya, Ron's soundin' like a right smart feller right about now - he's makin' some real good sense.

Ron Reagan
Why, thank ya kindly, Pat.

Joe Scarborough
Pat, seems to me you didn't think he was makin' a whole lotta sense last week when he was defendin' that there Eason Jordan feller. Ya ask me, he made a danged fool outta hisself right here on national TV.

Ron Reagan
You're mischaracter...I mean, I weren't defendin' him, alls I said was...

Joe Scarborough
You was too! You ain't tryin' to tell me you didn't say he oughtn't quit, are you?

Ron Reagan
I shor did not, I said them there CNN people oughtn't go and fire him!

Joe Scarborough
Well, they didn't go fire him, he up and quit, hisself.

Ron Reagan
Now you're just talkin' like a danged idjut! Any fool knows he quit just to save his hide from gettin' fired.

Pat Buchanan
Well, he shoulda got fired if you ask me - sayin' all that dad-blamed tomfoolery 'bout US feudin' boys' tryin' to fill them big-city reporters' backsides with buckshot!

Andrea Mitchell
Now, hold up one danged second there, Pat. You ain't got no way o' knowin' fer shor that's he said that. And even if'n he did, maybe he didn't mean they was tryin' to fill their backsides with buckshot on purpose-like.

Joe Scarborough
Andrea, you know sure as sugar he did! He didn't one time deny it, now, did he?

Andrea Mitchell
The feller said he made him a mistake, was all. Said one thing and some folks thought they heard 'nother.

Joe Scarborough
Then why didn't he just come out and say "That ain't what I said, and I'm danged sorry if I went n' hurt anybody's feelins"? Why didn't he just say that?

Ron Reagan
He ain't gotta say that just 'cause you and them bloggin' folks got yourselves all riled up!

Pat Buchanan
Only reason the bloggin' folks got riled up is 'cause them news folk was actin' like they didn't know nothin' about this whole dustup.

Andrea Mitchell
Weren't nothin' to know if they ain't no proof!

Joe Scarborough
Ain't that there weren't no proof, Andrea, he just didn't figger had had to show nobody. Goes to show you what he knows.

Andrea Mitchell
Joe, you know danged good and well they told everybody in that room that what they was sayin' was off the dad-blamed record.

Pat Buchanan
Andrea, they ain't no such thing as bein' off the danged record when you got yerself 5,000 folks in one room.

Joe Scarborough
Yeah, 'specially when some of 'em's news-folk and some's bloggin' folk. They had 'im dead to rights!

Ron Reagan
Well, then maybe the bloggin' folk...they's...all right, that's it Joe, I'm done with this stupid 'concept show', and I'm done talking like a freaking hayseed.

[Audience starts booing]

Ron Reagan
Oh, shut up, you stupid hicks!

[Booing grows louder]

Joe Scarborough
Ron, what seems t'be the trouble there, partner?

Ron Reagan
What's the problem?? Are you kidding? You're making a f***ing idiot out of yourself with this...

Andrea Mitchell
'Scuse me, Ron, but dontcha mean 'danged idjut'?

Ron Reagan
Shut up Andrea! For chissakes, you're Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for NBC, take that stupid hat off your...

Joe Scarborough
Hoo-boy! Looks like we're havin' us some problems with ol' Ron's microphone, so we're gonna take us a break and see if the microphone-fixin fellers can get it fixed up. Stay tuned for more Countirified Scarborough Country.

 

O'Reilly Factor: Yoda

Bill O'Reilly
Welcome back to the O'Reilly Factor, I'm Bill O'Reilly. On the impact segment tonight - among the myriad groups opposing the war in Iraq is one calling itself The Jedi Council. The group's founder, who goes only by the name Yoda, has claimed, among other things, that he has been training so-called "Jedi Warriors" for over eight hundred years, owing his longevity to something he refers to as "The Force." Joining me now is Yoda - welcome to the show, sir.

Yoda
To be here my pleasure it is.

Bill O'Reilly
Now, The Factor has done quite a bit of research on your group, but all we've been able find is a lot of gossip on the Internet, people talking about this "force" thing, a lotta stuff about the "Jedi", some goofy talk about a "clone war", and quite a bit about some guy called - I want to get this right, now - is it Skywalker?

Yoda
Skywalker, yes. Of Anakin or Luke do you speak?

Bill O'Reilly
I didn't know there was more than one, are they related?

Yoda
Father of Luke was Anakin, but Vader he would eventually become.

Bill O'Reilly
So this Vader, or Anakin, or whatever you want to call him, was he the cofounder of this 'Jedi' group, or what?

Yoda
Jedi was Anakin , but to the dark side he was drawn. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will...

Bill O'Reilly
Let's not get into all that, because it sounds like a personal thing between the two of you, and he's not here to defend himself. What I want to know is, what is the message you're trying to...

Yoda
Do or do not. There is no try.

Bill O'Reilly
I don't want to get into a philosophical discussion with you here - what I want to do, for the benefit of the folks watching at home, is to clarify your position is on the war. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you've been quoted as saying "Wars not make one great," is that accurate?

Yoda
Quoted me correctly you have.

Bill O'Reilly
Mr. Yoda, as you probably know, we at The Factor have been critical of certain decisions made by the Bush administration, and Rumsfeld in particular, with regard to the planning and execution of the war in Iraq, especially in the early stages of the occupation, but I believe that it is vital that we stay there, at least until their security forces have achieved an acceptable level of self-sufficiency. Now, what say you?

Yoda
A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, never attack a Jedi does.

Bill O'Reilly
You're spinning, Mr. Yoda, you're spinning. Let me ask you this - do you concede that there's a difference between a war of intervention, like Vietnam for example, and a preemptive attack against a country like Iraq, that had been repeatedly sanctioned by the UN, had violated the terms of a cease-fire, and was known to harbor terrorists?

Yoda
Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.

Bill O'Reilly
You're avoiding the question, sir. Listen, you can spout this pacifist stuff all you want, but at the end of the day, the folks just want to know one thing - they want to know who's looking out for them. Now, what would you have the government do - sit back and wait for another attack, or take reasonable actions to protect its citizens and its interests here and abroad?

Yoda
Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.

Bill O'Reilly
You're talking in circles, sir, and you're not answering my question.

Yoda
Already know you that which you need.

Bill O'Reilly
I don't know, sir, because you won't give me a straight answer. All I'm trying to find out is whether there's a difference between you and your Jedi guys and some of these kooks on the far left. I mean, you've got your Moveon.org, the International Answer people, and all the others - now, they're never going to support Bush, no matter what he does. As far as they're concerned, he's evil - he's just evil.

Yoda
If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of evil.

Bill O'Reilly
But we're not taking the quick and easy path, Mr. Yoda, that's spin. The president has told us from the beginning that the war on terror was going to require considerable time and resources. You can disagree with him if you want to, but...

Yoda
Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor.

Bill O'Reilly [shaking his head]
See, this where you lose most people, in my opinion. The people of this country have no problem with spirited debate, but you resort to name calling, with the emperor, and Hitler and all that garbage, then the folks at home tune out. They're not buying that. They want facts sir, and you're just trying to appeal to their emotions.

Yoda
For the Jedi, there is no emotion; there is peace.

Bill O'Reilly
We all want peace, Mr. Yoda, but this is the real world, and the fact is, there are people out there who won't think twice about harming or killing civilians, including women and children.

Yoda
Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.

Bill O'Reilly
Well, that's one thing we can agree on, so I'm going to give you an autographed copy of my book, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. Now, I want to address a subject that's a little sensitive in nature, and I don't want to offend you in any way, but I'm sure you realize that your appearance is a little unusual, to say the least, with the ears, you've got the little robe, there...

Yoda
Mmmmm?

Bill O'Reilly
Never mind. Listen, I want to be fair and give you the last word here, sir; I still don't see how this whole 'Jedi' philosophy jibes with the political climate post-9/11. What am I missing?

Yoda
The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun the clone war has.

Bill O'Reilly
I have to tell you, I'm not seein' it, sir, I'm not seein' it. Anyway, Mr. Yoda, we appreciate you bein' a standup guy and coming in here to answer our questions.

Yoda
Beware of the dark side!

Bill O'Reilly
Again with the dark side...all right, when we come back, we'll wrap things up with the most ridiculous item of the day and some of your mail. You're watching The O'Reilly Factor.

If you like this, check the "TV Classics" in the menu on the top right, and check the main page for the latest posts.

Public Service Announcement: Chris Rock

And now, a public service announcement from Chris Rock.

"Sometimes words can hurt just as much as fists, and words can leave scars that last a lifetime. So please, try not to injure anyone with the words you say. Stop and think before you open your mouth and say something that could be hurtful or offensive. I'm Chris Rock, and now you know."

This has been a public service announcement by...

"You know, sometimes people even get pi$$ed off when you say something that sounds perfectly reasonable - I mean, you make a simple observation, and the next thing you know, somebody's got a stick up their a$$ saying that you insulted a f***ing award. That's right, a stupid f***ing statue! Did the statue talk to you and tell you that its feelings were hurt? Because if it did, then you should probably be in a f***ing rubber room wearing a straitjacket. Anyway, I'm Chris Rock, and now you know."

This has been a public service...

"And you know it's the gay guys that are are squealin' about this - who the f**k else cares about this $hit? You know it's not the lesbians - what the f**k do they care about a damned awards show? It's not like the b**ches coming down that red carpet are going to be sportin' pendletons and wearin' f***kin' mullets. You might see some women there wearing suits - what the f**k is a woman doing wearing a suit, anyway? Remember that b**ch that wore the backward suit a few years ago? Who the f**k told her that was a good idea? Probably some gay guy. Backwards suit, backwards tie and a big-a$$ backward hat on her head. What was that b**ch..."

This has been a public...

"Hey, what the f**k is your problem?? Can you not hear me talking?"

Sorry, Mr. Rock, I thought you were done talking...

"Let me explain something to you - if my mother f***ing lips are moving, and there are sounds coming from my general direction, there's a good chance I'm talking, in which case you should keep your f***ing mouth shut! Is that a foreign concept to you? Are you from some weird-a$$ f***ing planet where people's voices come from the other side of the room or some sh*t? Or are you just f***ing stupid?"

Well, I just...

"Which is it?"

I don't understand what you're...

"Are you from some weird-a$$ f***ing planet, or are you just f***ing stupid?"

Um, well, I guess I'm...stupid.

"That's not what I asked you."

I guess I'm, um...f***ing stupid.

"I guess you are. Now you made me forget what the f**k I was saying. Anyway, I'm Chris Rock, and now you know."

This has been a public service announcement from Chris Rock.

"Mother f***in' right it has, b**ch."

 

Howard Dean Celebrates His Victory at Hometown Buffet

I'm gonna have the MINESTRONE!
Then the BAKED POTATO!
Then the SPAGHETTI!
Then the FOCACCCIA BREAD!
Then I'm gonna make a couple of TACOS!
Then I'm gonna go to the dessert bar and I'm gonna get a HUGE BOWL OF TAPIOCA!

YEEEEEAAAAAAAA!!!!

Eason Jordan's Checkered Past

Not only does Jordan have a history of making charges like those he made at Davos, but there are previously unknown connections between some of the the players in the Easongate scandal.

Long ago and far away, inside the showroom of Cars for Nearly Nothin'...

Customer
Listen - for the last time, I'm going to Crosstown Chevrolet to see what kind of deal I can get there. It's nothing personal, I just...

Eason Jordan
Wait, wait - listen, I have to charge you for the air conditioning, power steering and whitewalls, but what if I throw in the undercoating for free? That brings your total investment to only...

Customer
I'm leaving, all right? Now please move out of my way.

Eason Jordan [lowers voice]
OK - I didn't want say anything about this, but do you see the two security guards over there?

Customer
The old guys?

Eason Jordan
They might be old, but they're armed. Now, you didn't hear this from me, but they get very upset if someone leaves without buying a car. A few people have been roughed up, and last week one guy left and never made it home. They're actually targeting people who leave this lot without buying a car.

Customer
WHAT? What are you saying? Are you threatening me?

Eason Jordan
NO! No, no, no, no threatening here. I think you misunderstood what I was...

Customer
I want to talk to your manager - I want to see a manager right now!

[Sales manager, hearing the disturbance, approaches from across the showroom]

David Gergen
I'm the sales manager, is there a problem here?

Eason Jordan
Not at all, Dave. This man is just really excited about getting whitewalls on his new car at no extra charge, right, sir?

David Gergen [High-fives Jordan]
Way to go Easonator - you're on the board!

Customer
That's not what we were talking about - this man just threatened me!

Eason Jordan
I wasn't threatening you, sir. I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

David Gergen
See? He wasn't threatening you. I hope this won't affect your decision about the car.

Customer
You don't even know what he said!

David Gergen
And believe me, I want to hear all about it, just as soon as we get your paperwork done.

Eason Jordan
Look, maybe my remarks weren't as clear as they should have been...

Customer
He told me that your security guards were targeting people who didn't buy cars here.

Eason Jordan
Oh, now I see where the misunderstanding is. What I meant was that there is no definitive proof that these, or other security guards weren't involved in any accidents that may or may not have involved people who did or did not buy cars here.

David Gergen
It's hard to argue with that logic, sir.

Customer [to Gergen]
I want to talk to your boss...NOW!

[General manager approaches]

Howard Kurtz
What seems to be the problem here?

Eason Jordan
No problem at all, Howard, I was just explaining to our latest customer that his new car will include free power steering.

Howard Kurtz
Good man, Jordan, and congratulations to you, sir..

Customer
That is not what's happening, he just told me my life was in danger if I didn't buy a car here!

David Gergen
Sounds more like you're in danger of getting a fantastic deal on your brand new car.

Customer
Am I the only one here in his right mind? What he said to me was a veiled threat!

Howard Kurtz
I'm confused - are we talking threat or veiled threat?

Customer
What's the difference??

David Gergen [to Kurtz]
Howard, I just want say on Eason's behalf that he's been under a lot of stress. He's working a lot of extra hours trying to win those steak knives, and his wife has really been on his ass about not spending enough time at home.

Customer
What does that have to do with anything?

David Gergen
I think he's just caught up in the tension of what's been happening at home. It's a raw, emotional wound for him...

Customer
I can't believe this. [pointing] Are those security cameras working?

Howard Kurtz
Yes, of course they are.

Customer
Is there audio on the tapes?

[Kurtz, Jordan and Gergen exchange nervous glances]

Howard Kurtz
Umm, yes, there's audio.

Customer
Well, I want to see the tape. You show me that tape, and then you tell me he wasn't threatening me.

Howard Kurtz
No problem. I'll look into it right away.

[Kurtz stands there with his hands in his pockets]

Customer
What are you waiting for?

Howard Kurtz
Oh, did you want me to do that now?

Customer
Of course I want you to do it now!

Howard Kurtz
No problem, no problem. I'm all over it, sir.

[Kurtz walks away]

Customer
I have half a mind to go to the police about this.

Eason Jordan
Just think how comfortable your ride to the police station will be when you're running that free air conditioning!

Customer [to Kurtz, who's sitting with his feet up on a table]
What are you doing?? Aren't you supposed to be getting the tape?

Howard Kurtz
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm looking into it.

Customer
That's it! I want to talk to the owner, and I want to talk to him right now!

David Gergen
I'll get Mr. Turner.

Eason Jordan
Sir, I would never say that our security guards intended to harm anyone, whether or not they purchased one of the many fine automobiles we have here every single day at the lowest prices in town, and...WHOA, look at this - I think I just found a way we can knock another $300 off the price of that car.

Ted Turner
What's the problem here?

Customer
The problem is that this man threatened my life, and your sales manager doesn't seem to care.

Ted Turner
Is that true, David?

David Gergen
Ted, Eason walked himself back as soon as he realized what he said.

Customer
You weren't even here! And that guy [points to Kurtz, who's eating Fritos at his desk] told me he was going to check the surveillance tape.

Ted Turner
Howard, are you on top of this surveillance tape thing?

Howard Kurtz [talking with his mouth full]
Looking into it, Ted.

Ted Turner
Good man.

Customer
Forget it! I don't know why I'm wasting my breath. I'm going to Crosstown Chevy, and you're lucky I don't...

Ted Turner [Pulls customer aside as he turns to leave]
Can I talk to you for just a second before you go, sir?

Customer
Look, I don't care what you say, I am not buying a car here.

Ted Turner
I understand. I know you're going to Crosstown, but I just want warn you about something.

Customer
Warn me?

Ted Turner
You see, there's a salesman at Crosstown named Jeff Gannon. His name tag says he's been a Crosstown Customer Champion for two years...

Customer
So what?

Ted Turner
He's only been there twenty-two months.

Customer

Ted Turner

Customer
That's what you want to warn me about?

Ted Turner
Did you hear what I just said?? The man is LYING!

Customer
You people are out of your freaking minds. I'm out of here.

Ted Turner [shouting at Customer as he exits the showroom]
Don't you understand?? Gannon's lies are tarnishing the reputation of everyone in auto sales!

Update: Goldstein has more dish on Jordan.

Google Shilling For Eason Jordan

I was trying to find out if anyone has transcribed the video from Davos, but Google wasn't much help.

eason jordan tape troops targeting journalists

*Were you looking for: eason jordan works way up from assignment editor to chief news executive at cnn?

 

eason jordan davos troop accusations

*Were you looking for: eason jordan's leadership at cable news pioneer cnn?

tape eason jordan Davos

*Were you looking for: good luck proving anything without the tape?

what? what kind of response is that?

*Is there: a problem?

no, i'm just trying to find a transcript of eason jordan's remarks in davos

*What do you want: blood? the guy resigned, so why don't you get off his ass already?

hey, what's your problem? i just want to know what's on the tape

*Can't you: right-wingers give it a rest already?

 

what the hell does right-wingers have to do with anything?

Your search - "what the hell does right-wingers have to do with anything?" - did not match any documents.

 

oh, i get it - you're ignoring me now

Your search - "oh, i get it - now you're ignoring me now" - did not match any documents.

 

you're just pissed because jordan was caught making an outrageous statement and was forced to resign

*What's the: big deal?

 

are you kidding? this was unprecedented! it was the biggest media takedown since rathergate

*What about: jeff gannon?

 

how can you compare the two? eason jordan was...well, just look at some of the blogs, like...

Google News does not include news-related blogs or other news-related sites that are written and maintained by a single individual. Similarly, we do not include sites that do not have a formal editorial review process.

oh yeah, i heard about that. you must have read some of the news coverage, though

*I am a search engine: I don't read, I index

 

sorry, i didn't realize

*No: problem

 

still, even you must know about how badly jordan and cnn sold out in iraq when he was baghdad station chief

"Baghad", "Iraq", "Sadam", "Hussein", and "Sadam Hussein" are registered trademarks of CNN and CNN's parent company, Time Warner, Inc., and may not be used without the express permission of Time Warner, Inc., or its divisions, including America Online, Time Inc., Time Warner Cable, Home Box Office, New Line Cinema, Turner Broadcasting System and Warner Bros. Entertainment.

wow, it was even worse than i thought. so anyway, how about that search for the davos tape?

*Were you looking for: ankle-biters who can't just let it go and get on with their lives?

 

hey, i really don't need this crap - screw you

Results 1 - 10 of about 27,200 for "screw you"

 

that's it - i'm going to yahoo

Your search - "yahoo" - did not match any documents.

Terry McAuliffe: Life After the DNC (#3)

If Terry McAuliffe does return to the private sector once his term as DNC Chair is up, he really should leverage his communication skills.

Terry McAuliffe

Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, but you need to stop, take a breath, and calm down.  I want you to listen to me, OK?  I can get this straightened out, but you have to work with me.

Manager of 'Happy Tails' Dog Groomers

Terry, you done with that poodle yet?

Terry McAuliffe

Almost, sir.  Just trying to straighten out a tangle in her coat.

Manager of 'Happy Tails' Dog Groomers

Looks like she made a doo-doo on the floor there.

Terry McAuliffe

I'm all over it, sir.

Public Service Announcement: Bill Cosby

And now, a public service announcement from Bill Cosby.

"Do you know that it's against the law to record a telephone conversation without the other party's consent in most states?  That's right, and depending on the circumstances, it may even be a federal offense, punishable by imprisonment, fines, or both. Remember, telecommunication laws are there to protect of all of us, so please, don't break the law by recording phone conversations. I'm Bill Cosby, and now you know."

This has been a public service announcement by...

"OK, let's just say, hypothetically speaking, that some lawyer tells you that you can make a bundle by taping a conversation that, admittedly, could be damaging to a certain public figure. Who do you think runs the risk of doing hard time in a federal pen if a certain public figure gets pissed off and presses charges after you drag him into court? Here's a hint: It ain't your lawyer. And let's not forget, we're talking federal penitentiary, here, not some Martha Stewart day camp where you can smuggle scones out of the cafeteria between your butt cheeks. I don't even think they have scones in those places...the prisons, I mean. Think about that. I'm Bill Cosby, and now you know."

This has been a public...

"So, again, hypothetically speaking, let's say you did actually have in your possession a tape of a conversation, that, if heard without the benefit of proper context, could make a certain public figure appear to be something of a pervert.  Now, there's no guarantee that you'd ever be able to play that recording in open court, but in the interest of saving everyone a lot of time and possible embarrassment, you would probably be able to work something out with the pervert's - I mean the public figure's - lawyer, provided, of course, that you hand over the original tape and any copies, and that you sign a non-disclosure agreement.  I'm Bill Cosby, and now you know."

This has been a public service announcement from Bill Cosby.

Scarborough Country: Iraq Shoutdown

Joe Scarborough
I'm Joe Scarborough, welcome to Scarborough Country. Tonight - the future of Iraq. Joining me on the panel are Janeane Garofalo and Sam Seder of Air America Radio, author, former presidential candidate and MSNBC political analyst Pat Buchanan, and MSNBC political analyst Ron Reagan.

Janeane, I want to start with you. I know you've been opposed to the war in Iraq from the beginning, and you're certainly no friend to the Bush administration, but you can't ignore the overwhelming success of the recent election in Iraq...

Janeane Garofalo
Election?? You call that an election?? I suppose you think we had a fair election in Ohio last November, with thousands of people...

(CROSSTALK: SHOUTING)

Sam Seder
...Diebold! They promised to deliver the election on a silver platter...

Janeane Garofalo
...find out who was intimidating voters in Ohio? You don't care!! You just...

Joe Scarborough
...and I've gone after just as many Republicans as I have Democrats, so for you to say...

Sam Seder
...DIEBOLD! WHAT ABOUT DIEBOLD??

Janeane Garofalo
...and we'd be talking about President Kerry if they really counted every vote, so don't tell me...

Joe Scarborough
  ...I said the same thing in my book, Rome Wasn't Burnt...

Sam Seder
...Michael Moore has proof that Bush stole Ohio...

Janeane Garofalo
...people whose only crime was being the wrong precinct, and filling out their ballot incorrectly...

Joe Scarborough
All right, everybody calm down! Now, the microphones are turned off. I'll turn them back on, but we can only have one person speaking at a time. I want to go to Ron Reagan now - Ron, do you think it's possible for Iraq to eventually achieve a true democracy, modeled after that of the United States?

Public Service Announcement: John Kerry

And now, a public service announcement from Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts.

"Before you put your health, or the health of your loved ones, into the hands of a physician, make sure you get references, check with your state's medical board, and don't be afraid to ask questions.  After all, there are people who want you around for a long, long, time.  I'm Senator John Kerry, and now you know."

This has been a public service announcement...

"You know, even if you do ask questions, you still might get screwed.  I mean, 'Are you sure I shouldn't start with a little injection first?' sounds like a simple question to me, but no, Mr. Big-Shot DC Plastic Surgeon says he's 'Done this thousands of times,' and then pumps my forehead full of enough Botox to flatten out the coat on a Sharpei.  What the hell does he care?  He doesn't have to walk around looking like a damned freak the middle of a presidential campaign!"

This has been a public...

"And it's not just doctors, either.  Watch your ass if you ever go into one of those high-priced tanning salons.  Sure, they'll tell you they know how to make you look 'Like you've been at the beach for a couple of days,' and the next thing you know, your face is on a pumpkin on the cover of Mad Magazine, only you've got bolts in your neck, a gap between your front teeth, and you're the only pumpkin in the world with a perfectly smooth forehead.  Lot of damned good an attorney will do you then.  Public figure my ass."

This has been a public service announcement from Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts.

Liberalism (In 30 Words Or Less)

After reading Iowahawk's "Elevator Speeches for the Liberal Agenda", I waited for the pain in my sides to die down.  Then I decided to try a few of my own.  He was responding to The American Prospect magazine's solicitation for 30-word or less "elevator pitches" for The Liberal Agenda:

                  

Well, we all know the basic outline of conservatism's elevator pitch: "We believe in freedom and liberty, and we're for low taxes, less government, traditional values, and a strong national defense." But what is liberalism's? .... We know what conservatives stand for. But what do we stand for?  No one in Washington seems to know. So we turn to you. Give us liberalism's elevator pitch.

I'm not one to pat myself on the back, but I don't see how they could not like these:

Liberalism is the razor-sharp combat knife of justice, hacking at the face of intolerance and bigotry, slashing open the carotid artery of oppression, from which flows...what's wrong with her?  Is there a problem with the elevator?

Liberalism is much like this shiny pocket watch, swinging back...and forth...back...and forth...causing your eyelids to become heavier as your entire body relaxes, and...you...sleep! You - push the 'Stop' button. Now listen up, people, we don't have much time.

Painful genital warts - those that cannot be frozen off - are often treated with Condisyl Creme. The directions for its use are simple: Apply liberally.  That means something to me.

Terry McAuliffe: Life After the DNC (#2)

Looks like Terry McAuliffe might be returning to the private sector once his term as DNC Chair is up.  Maybe he'll land a spot in the entertainment industry - I'm sure he has connections.

Terry McAuliffe

So I said to the guy, I said, "Hey, that cheese was already cut when I got here."

 

Heckler in otherwise silent audience at Chuckle's Comedy Club

You suck!

 

Terry McAuliffe

Hey, I don't need this crap!  I was the best Chairman the Democratic National Committee ever had.

Entire audience

AAAAAAHA HA HA HA HA HA!!

Judy Woodruff: Homeless in America

Judy Woodruff
Thanks for watching Inside Politics, I'm Judy Woodruff. In our top story, surrogates of the Bush administration continue their media blitz promoting the president's $2.57 trillion budget plan for the 2006 fiscal year, but critics say that those hit hardest by the proposed cuts in that budget include the people least able to fend for themselves - including the homeless. Bill Schneider joins us for a closer look.  Good afternoon, Bill.

Bill Schneider
Judy, just turn on the news or open a paper, and chances are you'll see a story about the growing number of homeless people in this country - a number that has, in the last four years, apparently been multiplying at a rate we haven't seen since early in 1981, when Ronald Reagan first took office. I went to Madison, Wisconsin, and spoke with some people who are very concerned about this troubling trend in their own town.  I first spoke to Donna Morton, an advertising executive and mother of two who doesn't like what she's seeing these days.

Donna Morton
It's just terrible.  I've lived in Madison all my life, and it's never been this bad. I usually only see a few homeless people on my commute, but from what I hear on the news there must be thousands and thousands of them in this city alone. Something needs to be done.

Bill Schneider
I next spoke with Ned Sumner, a curmudgeonly factory worker who's lucky enough to have what must be one of the few manufacturing jobs in this country that hasn't been outsourced to India or China, Taiwan or Jakarta, Mexico, or...

Judy Woodruff
We get it, Bill.

Bill Schneider
Right. Here's Ned.

Ned Sumner
I didn't know it was near this bad, what with people sleepin' in their cars and eatin' cardboard and all. Least that's what I hear on the news. I thought I had it bad, what with readin' about all them manufacturin' jobs bein' shipped out to India, and China, and Taiwan, and Jakarta, and Mexico...

Bill Schneider
Later, I went to the offices of the advocacy group Mitigating the Suffering of Millions, to speak with the group's founder, Dennis Wormworth. I asked how he first got involved with this issue.

Dennis Wormworth
Some time around January or February in 1981, I could see from all the news reports that millions of people from all walks of life had apparently been ejected from their homes, almost simultaneously, and forced into destitution. I couldn't even bear to turn the television on, and I finally told my wife that I had to do something.

Bill Schneider
So what did you do?

Dennis Wormworth
I got together with some friends and told them that I wasn't going to rest until I could turn on the news and not hear one word about homelessness, and I'm proud to say that we finally achieved that goal in February of 1993.   I remember it was just after Bill Clinton was elected.

Bill Schneider
Sadly, Judy, that success was short-lived. Although the problem of homelessness was effectively eliminated for some eight years - years in which the former homeless enjoyed what The New York Times called "Unprecedented economic growth and prosperity," by 2001 Tom Brokaw was reporting on what he refered to as "The growing shame of homelessness in America."  Shame indeed.  Back to you, Judy.

Judy Woodruff
I'll never forget the words of Tom Brokaw from a report he did back in 2001, in which he said, "These people, comprising young and old, black and white, city folk and suburbanites, see little hope of returning to a normal existence for at least another four, and possibly even eight years."

Bill Schneider
Very prophetic.

Judy Woodruff
It certainly was.  Bill, I understand there was some indication recently that the homeless population in this country was decreasing.

Bill Schneider
Actually, that was a false alarm, Judy. Dennis Wormworth said that a media source told him in the early afternoon hours of November 2 of last year that editors and writers in newsrooms across the nation were preparing stories on what appeared to be a sudden and steep decline in the number of homeless people, malnourished children, underpaid workers and even oppressed minorities.  Unfortunately, those stories were never written, because they were actually based on information from some kind of 'polls' that were released to the media before the results were properly tabulated.

Judy Woodruff
That's too bad.  Great job as always, Bill, and we'll be following this story closely over the next four years or so.

Bill Schneider
Indeed we will, Judy.

Terry McAuliffe: Life After the DNC (#1)

I hear Terry McAuliffe is considering returning to the private sector once his term as DNC Chair is up.  Maybe he'll go into sales.

Terry McAuliffe

I can understand your hesitancy, but believe me, this is an area in which I have not only a better than average knowledge of the market -  and of our competitors - but considerable personal experience.  You take your time and think about it, but I just want you to ask yourself, "What if I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime?  Do I want to look back years from now and regret not having taken a chance?"  It's up to you.  Like I said, take your time.

Guy sitting in his car in the drive-thru (yelling into the speaker)

All right, all right, I'll try the damned Chalupa!  Now can I please have my food?

Terry McAuliffe

Right away, sir!

Google News: Just Plain Rude

I think Google was kind to Malkin, LGF and Protein Wisdom, at least compared to this:

John,

Thank you for your note.  We have reviewed www.wuzzadem.com but cannot include your web site in Google News at this time. We do not include news-related blogs, other news-related sites that are written and maintained by a single individual, sites that do not have a formal editorial review process, and we sure as hell don't include sites that, frankly, just suck.

Do you really think those Hardball parodies are funny?  Even my nine-year-old son knows that Chris Matthews is a clown.  Seriously, the other night we were watching Hardball, he pointed at the TV and said 'What an asswipe!", so parodizing Matthews is hardly 'clever', since he does that himself every night.  The worst part is that this seems to be your "A" material.

We've received quite a few of these requests lately, and I can only assume that you were submitting yours after hearing that other "blogs" were doing the same, but let's review, shall we?  Malkin is an author and syndicated columnist, LGF helped break the Rathergate story, Protein Wisdom...well, we can't tell what the hell that guy's doing, but at least it appears he owns a dictionary and a thesaurus.  I guess he could have borrowed them from someone and never returned them, but that's not really the point. 

You, on the other hand, apparently think that pointing out the fact that Ron Reagan is pompous and condescending is some kind of achievement.  Get real.

 

Think we're being too picky?  Well, we can afford to be picky.  Actually, after that IPO, we can afford just about anything.  Really - every one of us is filthy rich.  I'm just the guy who writes letters to chumps like you, who only wish they could be included in Google News, and I drive a Mercedes.  And not just any Mercedes, the huge one.  I don't know what the model number is, and I don't really care - I just walked into the dealership and said "I want the biggest Mercedes you have and I want every option."  Next thing I know, this weasely-looking salesman in a cheap suit looks me over and gives me some crap about checking my credit, so I just pull a big wad of cash out of my pocket, stick it under his nose and say "I don't think a credit check will be necessary, Clyde, or whatever your name is.  See, I work at Google, so this is going to be a pure cash transaction.  I assume you still take cash here, don't you?"  You should have seen the look on that goober's face.  Sweet.

 

In closing, I'd like to say that we will log your site for consideration should we alter our policy. I'd like to, but that would be a lie.  What I'm really going to do is flag your site so that I don't ever waste my time reviewing it again.  They couldn't pay me enough to do that - and I'm not just saying that because I'm rich.

 

Regards,

The Google Team

The Stinking Rich Google Team

Blog? What the Hell's a Blog?

I had to go to a 'luncheon' this weekend and was seated at a table with some very senior citizens.  My wife was talking with friends, so I got to the table before her, which gave me a few minutes to answer their questions about blogging.  And they had quite a few questions.

Phil
I gotta get the garage cleaned out this weekend, it's a mess in there.

Me
I need to clean up my back yard, I've been blogging non-stop for the last two weeks.

Stan
I don't know what that is, but it sounds disgusting.

Me
No, blogging is something I do on my computer.

Phil
Hey, I'm no "science whiz", but won't that screw up your computer? 

Artie
Yeah, I hear those things cost an arm and a leg.

Me
I guess I'm not explaining this very well.  I have a blog, it's...

Gladys
What did he say?

Phil
Says he has a blog.

Gladys
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that sweetie, is it painful?

Me
No, it's not a disease or...

Phil
Well, what the hell is it?

Me
Well, you post things, people can comment...

Stan
Hey, if I lived next to you, and you were doin' that in your back yard, I'd be doing more than just commenting.

Phil
So what else do you do on this thing?

Me
Well, I've been working on my blogroll...

Artie
Hey, kid - do you mind?  I got the same problem, but some of us are trying to strap on the feedbag here.

Helen
What's he talking about?

Mary
I think he said has has a blob.

Helen
Like that thing in the Steve McQueen movie?  That was disgusting.

Stan
You should hear what he's been doin' in his back yard.

Gladys
So you know Steve McQueen?

Me
No, no, I've never even talked to Steve McQueen, I...

Phil
Stuck up bastard McQueen probably won't talk to anybody who's not a 'big star' like him.

Artie
Typical Hollywood type - thinks his blogroll don't stink.

Mary
I think Steve McQueen's dead.

Phil
Serves him right - stuck up bastard.

Artie
I still don't get what the hell this 'blog' thing is.

Me
Well, there are different kinds.  Some people use them to publish their opinions...

Stan
What a load of crap!  Anybody wants my opinion I just give it to 'em.

Me
Well, mine's really more geared toward comedy...

Stan (rolling his eyes)
Yeah, you're a real scream, kid.

Phil
Yeah, no offense, but you're no Jackie Mason.

Stan
Just wants to brag about all the big movie stars he blobs with...

Gladys
Leave him alone, Phil!  You're going to aggravate his blog.

Me
OK, I'm not explaining this very well.  Blog are like interactive web sites on the Internet.

Artie
Oh, the Internet - I bet he's looking at that porn.

Me
I'm NOT looking at porn.

Phil
Whatsa matter, you don't like women?

Artie
Shoulda figured - typical Hollywood type.

Me
What are you talking about?  I'm married...

Phil
Yeah, I hear that's legal in San Francisco.

Artie
HA! Good one, Phil!

Me
I think I'll go see what my wife's doing.

Artie
Yeah, say hi to your "wife" for us.

Phil, Stan and Artie
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Gladys
Feel better, sweetie!

Robert Byrd: Commie Hater

Picked up by C-Span microphones fifteen minutes before Bush delivered the State of the Union message Wednesday.

 

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)

...and the only reason I was a member was because I was looking for the most effective way of fighting communism, which I felt was my civic duty.

 

Unidentified Member of Congress

I just had no idea that there were so many communists in the south at that time.  I was always under the impression that they were mostly concentrated in more metropolitan areas.

 

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)

No sir, you couldn't spit without hitting a communist in the south back then.  They were everywhere!

 

Unidentified Member of Congress

So, what were they doing?  I mean, were they holding rallies, passing out subversive literature, trying to get people to join them?

 

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)

I don't know what you mean by "join them", you're either a communist or you're not.

 

Unidentified Member of Congress

I don't understand what you...

 

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)

No, what they were doing was much worse.  They were demanding the right to vote, they wanted to drink out of the same water fountains as non-communists, sit at the non-communist lunch counters, some of them even wanted to marry non-communists.

 

Unidentified Member of Congress

...

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)

...

Unidentified Member of Congress (Looking at watch)

Whoa, look at the time, will you?  I'd better get to that, uh, dentist appointment.

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV)
(As Unidentified Member of Congress heads for the exit)

You're gonna miss the speech!

Freakin Microsoft!

The other day I noticed that someone was directed to this site when they ran a search at MSN for:

jobs for drop outs in north carolina

(BTW, he didn't use quote marks.  My instructions for the search engine-impaired are here).

I guess he was looking for The State of North Carolina's 'Drop-out Outreach' web site:

Are you a high school drop-out?  If so, here are just a few of the many exciting opportunities that await you in The Tar Heel State! 

Then I noticed that MSN asked the guy:

*Were you looking for jobs fordrop outs in north carolina?
[Emphasis mine]

I didn't know there was such a word as 'fordrop'.  I looked in the dictionary - not there, so I tried Google.  Sure enough, 'fordrop' is a word commonly used by people who miss the space bar when attempting to type for drop'.  And, of course, when you Google 'fordrop', Google has enough sense to ask you:

Did you mean: for drop?

So who's the dipstick at MSN who thinks that 'fordrop' is a word?  Obviously, he's no Google.  And who the hell does he think he is, correcting Drop-Out Guy, when all he's doing is trying to find out what kind of job he can get in North Carolina?

Drop-Out Guy

I'm trying to find out what kind of jobs there are for drop-outs in North Carolina.

MSN Guy (Rolling his eyes)

Excuse me, but I believe the word is fordrop?

Drop-Out Guy

Are you sure that's a word?

MSN Guy

Hel-lo?  Me college graduate, you high school drop-out?  If I couldn't spell at a second-grade level, do you think a certain Mr. Bill Gates would have hired me to work on his MSN search engine?

Drop-Out Guy

I guess not.  Sorry, I just never heard the word 'fordrop' before.

MSN Guy

Well, maybe that's why you don't have stock options in a little company you might have heard of called Microsoft.

Drop-Out Guy

You're probably right.  Thanks for your help.

MSN Guy

Are you still here?

Is this why my PC is always crashing?  Because Bill Gates has a bunch of ill-mannered, pompous asses who can't even spell developing his crappy Windows software?  Now I feel bad about yelling at Bob, that guy from Sony.  By the way, how can someone named 'Bob' have an Indian accent?

I'd uninstall Windows and start running Linux, but I'm so clueless about computers, I have no idea how to uninstall Windows.  Or install Linux.  I'm not even sure I'm spelling Linux right.  I wonder if Google makes an operating system.

Update - 2/7/05: Someone directed to this site after using MSN to search for:

i need a picture of whoopi goldberg

MSN's response:

*Were you looking for i need a picture of whoop goldberg?

Hardball: State of the Union

 

Chris Matthews
I'm Chris Matthews, welcome to a special edition of Hardball.  George W. Bush has just completed his fifth State of the Union address, just days after a historic election in Iraq.  I'm joined tonight by MSNBC political analyst Ron Reagan, and Andrea Mitchell, Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for NBC.  Ron Reagan, you've certainly seen your share of presidential speeches, what did you think of this one?

Ron Reagan
Chris, I have to say that the President seemed lacking in confidence, stilted and hesitant - just not very 'presidential' if you will; it was like watching some bizarre episode of The Beverly Hillbillies where Jed Clampett threatens to take all of his money out of the bank unless Mr. Drysdale agrees to make Jethro the President.

Chris Matthews
That's an interesting analogy.  So, if George Bush is Jethro, then who is Laura Bush - is she Ellie Mae?

Ron Reagan
Well, Ellie Mae is actually Jethro's cousin, so I don't think so, but then again, we are talking about hillbillies, so I'm not sure the standard cultural taboos apply.

Chris Matthews
Right, right - red states.  Let's go to Andrea Mitchell.  Andrea, if President Bush is Jethro, then who is Cheney?  Is he the Mr. Drysdale of the administration - you know, sort of the greedy, big business type?

Andrea Mitchell
That's an interesting question, Chris, and one that's on the lips of a lot of Washington insiders.  I'm not sure, but I will say that there are an awful lot of people who are starting to see Don Rumsfeld as the Mr. Haney of the Bush administration, hawking his old, worn-out, failed war policy from the back of an old truck at the Pentagon.

Chris Matthews
Cheney's quite a bit older than Mr. Haney was, isn't he?  I mean, at least in the original series - by the time they did the Green Acres reunion, I think it was in the late seventies, Haney looked a lot older.  I think maybe he was hitting the sauce.

Ron Reagan
Who, Cheney?

Chris Matthews
Not Cheney; Haney.

Andrea Mitchell
It's interesting you should say that, Chris, because there are rumors to that effect about Vice President Cheney.  None that we've been able to confirm, but nevertheless they're out there.

Chris Matthews
Well, I don't want to get into too much speculation, but if Cheney really were a boozer, then wouldn't he be more like Otis from the old Andy Griffith Show?

Ron Reagan
There are some very interesting comparisons to be made there, Chris.  You know, Otis had his own key to the jail and could come and go as he pleased, and I think a lot of people see Cheney much in the same way, the only difference being that his key fits the door to the Oval Office.

Chris Matthews
Let me just throw something else in the mix here - if the President is Jethro, and Laura Bush is Ellie Mae - at least there seems to be some possibility that she is - does that mean that the first President Bush and Barbara Bush are Uncle Jed and Granny?

Andrea Mitchell
No, because they weren't married.

Chris Matthews
Just a second, here.  Andrea Mitchell, are you asserting here, on national television, that President Bush - the first one, not 'W' - and First Lady Barbara Bush were never legally married?

Andrea Mitchell
Of course not, Chris, that would be silly.  I was talking about Uncle Jed and Granny.

Chris Matthews
Right, right, I see your point; one was an uncle and the other was a granny.

Ron Reagan
Remember, though, we're talking about hillbillies, so...

Chris Matthews
Good point, Ron.  Getting back to the speech, Andrea, I don't think there were any surprises tonight as far as foreign policy, I'm just wondering how much involvement Condoleeza Rice, the new Secretary of State, had in the crafting of this State of the Union message.

Andrea Mitchell
Chris, there is still some question as to just how Secretary Rice will operate in her new role.  Is she going be independent and outspoken, or will she just go along with whatever the President says, sort of like a Miss Hathaway?

Ron Reagan
That doesn't make any sense, Andrea.  Miss Hathaway worked for Mr. Drysdale, and I think we've already established that Dick Cheney is Drysdale.

Andrea Mitchell
Unless he drinks a lot, in which case he'd be Otis.

Chris Matthews
OK, let's just take a hypothetical scenario here, and say Miss Hathaway works for Jethro, and not Mr. Drysdale.  My question to you, Andrea Mitchell is this - is Miss Hathaway going to be an independent, and if necessary outspoken Secretary of State, or is she just going to go along with whatever Jethro says?

Andrea Mitchell
It's difficult to say at this point.  You know, regardless of whether you like Jethro or not, he painted a picture tonight of an administration with a bold and ambitious foreign policy agenda for his second term, but it remains to be seen exactly what Miss Hathaway's role will be in pursuing that agenda.

Ron Reagan
Chris, if really want to know what the President expects from Miss Hathaway, all you need to do is look at the people he's chosen for his second-term cabinet.  If you ask me he's chosen a lot of Barney Fifes, with little or no experience or charisma, who are just going to go along with what he says without making much of a contribution themselves.

Chris Matthews
OK, so again, hypothetically, let's say that Sheriff Andy Taylor is Jethro, meaning he's the President, he hires all these Barney Fifes as yes-men, Miss Hathaway works works for him, not for Cheney, I mean Mr. Drysdale...

Andrea Mitchell
Unless he drinks a lot.

Chris Matthews
Right, in which case he would be Cheney.

Ron Reagan
You mean Otis.

Chris Matthews
Right.  I think.  What was I saying?

Andrea Mitchell
I'm lost.

Chris Matthews
Let's just get back to the speech.  Andrea, in certain parts of this State of the Union address you could clearly hear the influence of the neocons, you know, Wolfowitz, Perle, and that whole crowd.  In fact, it almost sounded like Wolfowitz wrote some of the speech himself.

Andrea Mitchell
It did, Chris, although it certainly seems that as of late the role, or at least the level of visibility of Paul Wolfowitz himself has been minimized to a great extent.  You might says he's the Barney Rubble of the Pentagon.

Ron Reagan
Chris, I have to get in here.  I have a lot of respect for Andrea's abilities as an analyst, but I don't think we should lose sight of the fact that these are the people who misled us into a war based on half-truths and bogus intelligence, and I don't think we should trivialize that by comparing them to cartoon characters.

Chris Matthews
I have to agree with Ron on that, Andrea - we're trying to have a serious discussion here.  We need to take a break, but when we come back we'll have more analysis of President Bush's historical State of the Union message.  We'll be right back - you're watching Hardball.

Update: Welcome Instapundit readers!  If you enjoyed this, you might also like our Iraqi Election: Live-Blogging post.

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  If you're too lazy to do that, you can always check the "Favorites" menu on the right.  Or don't.

Castro Trips Over His Own Words

"Damn you, Boosh!"

Just in from AP via Drudge:

HAVANA - In his first public remarks since the United States dubbed Cuba an outpost of tyranny, Fidel Castro called President Bush "deranged" and belittled recent improvements in relations between Cuba and Europe.
...

Castro linked Bush's government to corruption and torture. He said he closely watched the President's inauguration speech Jan. 20 and saw "the face of a deranged person."
...

The Cuban leader also warned against a potential invasion by the United States, a theme often repeated in public addresses.  "If they make the mistake of attacking this country, well Mr. Bush, or whoever will be there, I recommend to you it would be better if you use 50 nuclear bombs to exterminate all of us," he said.

Castro, who broke his right arm and shattered his left kneecap in an accidental fall in October, then turned to leave the podium, tripped over his waiting wheelchair, and fell from the stage, breaking his left arm and shattering his right kneecap.

As he was taken from the scene on a stretcher, Castro shouted out, "I'm warning you!  You don't want none of this, Boosh!"

Media Bias Is Bogus To The Max

Jim

Good evening, I'm Jim Stumpigton for The KLIB Evening News.  Before we get to the top stories of the day, Carol and I would like to welcome a new member to the KLIB team - Carol?

Carol

That's right Jim, starting tonight, Mindy Jamison from KLIB's Saturday afternoon 'Teen Scene' show will be joining us here every evening to give us a 'hip' new perpective on the events of the day.  Welcome, Mindy.

Mindy

Thanks, Carol, I just want to say that this is sooo cool.  It's just awesome.

Carol

Our top story tonight - The Iraqi Elections: Blood on the Sand.

 

[Forbidding, grim theme music plays as images of crying Iraqis flash on the screen]

Carol

As we've been reporting, election day in Iraq was anything but the 'cakewalk' I'm sure someone must have said it would be; although voter turnout wasn't too bad in some areas, it was a day marred by violent confrontations, including shootings and several car bombings, and turnout was very low in many areas.  A sad day for many.

Mindy

Man, that is totally bogus.  I mean to the max.

Jim

.................

Carol

..................

Jim

Yes, uh, a very sad day, indeed, Mindy, er, Carol...and now that the first phase of ballot counting in Iraq is finished, there are serious concerns that many of the nation's Sunni Muslims may not have voted.  Now, even moderate Democrats say they're not ready to call this election 'legitimate' if only a minority of the Sunni population participated in the process.

Carol

I can certainly understand their apprehension, Jim.

Mindy

I don't understand.

Jim

We know you don't, Mindy, but we don't have time to explain every story to you.

Mindy

No, I mean, I kinda understand the story, but I don't understand why people think the election wasn't fair.

Jim

Look, it's a very complex issue, Mindy - the Sunnis didn't think the election results would be fair to them, so they didn't vote.  Now, there's a good chance that they're not going to be happy with the results, and that's not good.  Understand?

Mindy

But you just said they didn't vote, right?

Jim

Right.  They felt that they weren't going to be represented fairly, so many of them boycotted the election.

Mindy

But remember when that Terry guy was running against Jeff Bush and you...

Jim

It's Kerry, OK?  His name's John Kerry.  And it's not Jeff Bush, it's George Bush.

Mindy

What-ever.  All I'm saying is, when I told you I wasn't going to vote back then, you were all in my face, saying anybody who didn't vote would 'get what they deserved' it if that 'moron Bush' won the election.  So what's the difference between me and those people who didn't vote in Iraq?

Jim

Well, uh, Mindy, I, uh, I don't think those were my exact words...

Mindy

Yes they were.  I remember you were so mad your face got all red, and there was spit coming out of your mouth.  It was totally gross.

Jim

I think you're mistaken, I, uh...

Mindy

I just don't get why I'm a bimbo if I don't vote, but you're all concerned about those Sumi guys.

Carol

Actually, Mindy, Jim wasn't saying he was concerened, he was reporting on what other people said.  He's a reporter, so he's neutral.

Mindy

What's that supposed to mean?

Carol

That means he doesn't really have an opinion on the election, or even the war, himself, he's just...

Mindy

It didn't look like it before the show.  He was all yelling at Bob from the catering truck, saying '"Bush is an idiot if he doesn't listen to what those guys Ted and Kenny said and pull the troops out..."

Carol

I think you mean Ted Kennedy.

Jim

You're not helping here, Carol!  Look, Mindy, I think you have me confused with...

Producer

Just went to break!

Jim

Jesus Mindy! Do you have any idea what you just...

Producer

Jim!  Dan Fowler just called and said he wants you to get your ass into his office, right now.  He didn't sound happy.

Jim

Holy crap, I'm probably going to be fired!

Mindy

Whoa.  That is so bogus.

Morning Laugh

This is freaking hilarious. 

Howard Dean and "Chalupa" in one post.  That's my kind of comedy.