Eason Jordan's Checkered Past

Not only does Jordan have a history of making charges like those he made at Davos, but there are previously unknown connections between some of the the players in the Easongate scandal.

Long ago and far away, inside the showroom of Cars for Nearly Nothin'...

Customer
Listen - for the last time, I'm going to Crosstown Chevrolet to see what kind of deal I can get there. It's nothing personal, I just...

Eason Jordan
Wait, wait - listen, I have to charge you for the air conditioning, power steering and whitewalls, but what if I throw in the undercoating for free? That brings your total investment to only...

Customer
I'm leaving, all right? Now please move out of my way.

Eason Jordan [lowers voice]
OK - I didn't want say anything about this, but do you see the two security guards over there?

Customer
The old guys?

Eason Jordan
They might be old, but they're armed. Now, you didn't hear this from me, but they get very upset if someone leaves without buying a car. A few people have been roughed up, and last week one guy left and never made it home. They're actually targeting people who leave this lot without buying a car.

Customer
WHAT? What are you saying? Are you threatening me?

Eason Jordan
NO! No, no, no, no threatening here. I think you misunderstood what I was...

Customer
I want to talk to your manager - I want to see a manager right now!

[Sales manager, hearing the disturbance, approaches from across the showroom]

David Gergen
I'm the sales manager, is there a problem here?

Eason Jordan
Not at all, Dave. This man is just really excited about getting whitewalls on his new car at no extra charge, right, sir?

David Gergen [High-fives Jordan]
Way to go Easonator - you're on the board!

Customer
That's not what we were talking about - this man just threatened me!

Eason Jordan
I wasn't threatening you, sir. I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

David Gergen
See? He wasn't threatening you. I hope this won't affect your decision about the car.

Customer
You don't even know what he said!

David Gergen
And believe me, I want to hear all about it, just as soon as we get your paperwork done.

Eason Jordan
Look, maybe my remarks weren't as clear as they should have been...

Customer
He told me that your security guards were targeting people who didn't buy cars here.

Eason Jordan
Oh, now I see where the misunderstanding is. What I meant was that there is no definitive proof that these, or other security guards weren't involved in any accidents that may or may not have involved people who did or did not buy cars here.

David Gergen
It's hard to argue with that logic, sir.

Customer [to Gergen]
I want to talk to your boss...NOW!

[General manager approaches]

Howard Kurtz
What seems to be the problem here?

Eason Jordan
No problem at all, Howard, I was just explaining to our latest customer that his new car will include free power steering.

Howard Kurtz
Good man, Jordan, and congratulations to you, sir..

Customer
That is not what's happening, he just told me my life was in danger if I didn't buy a car here!

David Gergen
Sounds more like you're in danger of getting a fantastic deal on your brand new car.

Customer
Am I the only one here in his right mind? What he said to me was a veiled threat!

Howard Kurtz
I'm confused - are we talking threat or veiled threat?

Customer
What's the difference??

David Gergen [to Kurtz]
Howard, I just want say on Eason's behalf that he's been under a lot of stress. He's working a lot of extra hours trying to win those steak knives, and his wife has really been on his ass about not spending enough time at home.

Customer
What does that have to do with anything?

David Gergen
I think he's just caught up in the tension of what's been happening at home. It's a raw, emotional wound for him...

Customer
I can't believe this. [pointing] Are those security cameras working?

Howard Kurtz
Yes, of course they are.

Customer
Is there audio on the tapes?

[Kurtz, Jordan and Gergen exchange nervous glances]

Howard Kurtz
Umm, yes, there's audio.

Customer
Well, I want to see the tape. You show me that tape, and then you tell me he wasn't threatening me.

Howard Kurtz
No problem. I'll look into it right away.

[Kurtz stands there with his hands in his pockets]

Customer
What are you waiting for?

Howard Kurtz
Oh, did you want me to do that now?

Customer
Of course I want you to do it now!

Howard Kurtz
No problem, no problem. I'm all over it, sir.

[Kurtz walks away]

Customer
I have half a mind to go to the police about this.

Eason Jordan
Just think how comfortable your ride to the police station will be when you're running that free air conditioning!

Customer [to Kurtz, who's sitting with his feet up on a table]
What are you doing?? Aren't you supposed to be getting the tape?

Howard Kurtz
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm looking into it.

Customer
That's it! I want to talk to the owner, and I want to talk to him right now!

David Gergen
I'll get Mr. Turner.

Eason Jordan
Sir, I would never say that our security guards intended to harm anyone, whether or not they purchased one of the many fine automobiles we have here every single day at the lowest prices in town, and...WHOA, look at this - I think I just found a way we can knock another $300 off the price of that car.

Ted Turner
What's the problem here?

Customer
The problem is that this man threatened my life, and your sales manager doesn't seem to care.

Ted Turner
Is that true, David?

David Gergen
Ted, Eason walked himself back as soon as he realized what he said.

Customer
You weren't even here! And that guy [points to Kurtz, who's eating Fritos at his desk] told me he was going to check the surveillance tape.

Ted Turner
Howard, are you on top of this surveillance tape thing?

Howard Kurtz [talking with his mouth full]
Looking into it, Ted.

Ted Turner
Good man.

Customer
Forget it! I don't know why I'm wasting my breath. I'm going to Crosstown Chevy, and you're lucky I don't...

Ted Turner [Pulls customer aside as he turns to leave]
Can I talk to you for just a second before you go, sir?

Customer
Look, I don't care what you say, I am not buying a car here.

Ted Turner
I understand. I know you're going to Crosstown, but I just want warn you about something.

Customer
Warn me?

Ted Turner
You see, there's a salesman at Crosstown named Jeff Gannon. His name tag says he's been a Crosstown Customer Champion for two years...

Customer
So what?

Ted Turner
He's only been there twenty-two months.

Customer

Ted Turner

Customer
That's what you want to warn me about?

Ted Turner
Did you hear what I just said?? The man is LYING!

Customer
You people are out of your freaking minds. I'm out of here.

Ted Turner [shouting at Customer as he exits the showroom]
Don't you understand?? Gannon's lies are tarnishing the reputation of everyone in auto sales!

Update: Goldstein has more dish on Jordan.

Comments

[Zelda]

Funny stuff John. Have you considered sending it to Howard Kurtz and David Gergen?

[John from WuzzaDem]

HA! That's evil, Zelda.

[Sobek]

That was the single greatest Easongate/Gannon-quiddick wrap-up I've ever read. You, sir, are on freakin fire.

[Mr Bob]

have to agree...on the "freakin on fire" statement. Very nice, I'm gonna link it.

[Defense Guy]

Destined to be a classic, kudos.

[John from WuzzaDem]

Well, if I'm on fire, at least I know that quite a few people over a DU won't spit on me.

[fat kid]

That, kind sir, is a fantastic(!) post.

[sf]

To absolutely nail all the players' roles, all the relationships, AND the Gannon twist at the end. And with not a single wasted word.

Freakin' on fire is right.