24: Terrorism and Torture

I don't know why Dave from Garfield Ridge is complaining about 24. Did he even see the last show?

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida, crack agents for the Counter Terrorism Unit, headquartered in Los Angeles, speed down miraculously empty L.A. streets in their tricked-out CTU-issue SUV. Jack is on the phone with Erin Driscoll, head of CTU.

Jack Bauer
Erin, we're still about five minutes away from the target area - have you set up a hard perimeter?

Erin Driscoll
Of course, Jack, we set up a hard perimeter wherever you go.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Erin, just let me do my job!

Erin Driscoll
What are you talking about?

Jack Bauer
Listen Erin, I don't need a bunch of red tape getting in the way of field ops!

Erin Driscoll
Hey, what the hell is your...?

Jack Bauer
Damn it Erin, I can't have this conversation right now! I'm hanging up!

[Hangs up the phone, turns to Tony Almeida]

Jack Bauer
What have we got on our suspects, Tony?

Tony Almeida [Pulling up records on his deluxe CTU-issue PDA]
Abdul Hassan and Ali al-Jafar, both have ties to Al Qaeda, both have been arrested for terrorist-related activities, including the attempted bombing of a grade school in New Jersey. Sounds like we might be dealing with a couple of Islamic terrorists here.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! Didn't you see the PSA I did during the commercial break last week where I said that, while terrorism is obviously one of the most critical challenges facing our nation and the world, it is important to recognize that the American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism?

Tony Almeida
I don't watch commercials, I Tivo everything - just zip right through the commercials. You really should get Tivo, Jack, it changes the way you watch TV. You can rewind, record two shows at once...

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! I don't have time to get Tivo right now! Anyway, the point I was making is that you can't be throwing around terms like 'terrorist' just because these guys have alleged ties to alleged terrorist organizations, and were allegedly connected to an activity that might be considered by some to be terrorist in nature!

Tony Almeida
All right Jack, I see your point.

Jack Bauer
Call CTU technical and see if they've got those satellite coordinates yet.

[Cut to interior of CTU computer room - Edgar answers the phone]

Edgar
CTU, this is Edgar.

Tony Almeida
Edgar, it's Tony Almeida, do you have the satellite coordinates yet?

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! We need to get those satellite coordinates!

Tony Almeida
I know! I'm getting them now.

Jack Bauer
I can't have this conversation right now, Tony!

Edgar
We're working on it Tony, but we're having technical problems.

Tony Almeida
What kind of problems, are you trying to update the database?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Because we need to do that at least three or four times every episode, you know.

Jack Bauer
Damn, it Tony! Make sure they're updating the database!

Tony Almeida [Rolls his eyes and ignores Jack]
So, are you trying to download files?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Upload files?

Edgar
No.

Tony Almeida
Does it have anything to do with files? Come on, give me a hint.

Edgar
We're just replacing the batteries in Sarah's PDA. We were out, but we found some in Jack's desk.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony! What's the holdup?

Tony Almeida
They're replacing the batteries in Sarah's PDA, they just found some in your desk, so they're...

Jack Bauer
TELL THEM NOT TO USE THOSE BATTERIES!!!

Tony Almeida
Edgar! Don't use those batteries!

Edgar
Sarah, stop! Don't use those! [heaves a big sigh of relief as sweat rolls down his forehead] I caught her just in time - what's the problem, Tony?

Tony Almeida
What's the problem with the batteries, Jack, are they booby-trapped?

Jack Bauer
No, I got them at Radio Shack, and I just found out they're like five bucks cheaper at Wal-Mart, so I'm going to return them.

Tony Almeida [Shaking his head]
Edgar, go ahead and use the batteries. Call us back ASAP.

Jack Bauer
I'm lost here, Tony. Which way to Crenshaw?

Tony Almeida
I don't know, I don't recognize this area. Hey, pull over and ask that guy on the corner.

[Pulls up to an elderly gentleman waiting at a bus stop]

Jack Bauer
I need to know how to get to Crenshaw - fast!

Elderly Gentleman
Oh, my, I wish I could help you, but I really don't know this area, I just moved here from New York, and I...

Jack Bauer
We don't have time for this, old man! Tell us what we need to know!

Elderly Gentleman
I'm sorry, it's just that I...

Jack Bauer
Grab him, Tony!

[Cut to rear area of SUV. Elderly Gentleman is handcuffed, Tony is pulling his nose hair out with a pair of pliers]

Jack Bauer
TELL US HOW TO GET TO CRENSHAW!

Elderly Gentleman
AAAAAHH! I don't know! I told you, I'm from New York!

Tony Almeida [Grabs more nose hairs and pulls them out]
Tell us, or I swear, you'll have bald nostrils before we're through with you!

Jack Bauer
CRENSHAW, OLD MAN! CRENSHAW!!

Elderly Gentleman
All right, all right, it's, uh, it's right off Broadway and Forty-second. AAAHHHH!

Tony Almeida
He's passed out, Jack. Hey, Broadway and Forty-second - that sounds like New York - maybe he really didn't know.

Jack Bauer
Damn it, Tony, don't be so naive! Push him out the back, let's get going.

Tony Almeida [Looks at street sign as he places Elderly Gentleman on bus stop bench]
Hey Jack, we're on Crenshaw!

Jack Bauer
All right, no use beating yourself up, Tony, what's done is done.

Tony Almeida
What? You're the one who...

Jack Bauer
We don't have time for this, Tony - let's move!

[Cut to Jack and Tony parked in a residential area, Jack is looking through binoculars]

Tony Almeida
Any activity inside the house?

Jack Bauer
It's hard to tell, but something's not right. It's the only house on the block with trash cans out on the curb.

Tony Almeida
You think it's a trap?

Jack Bauer
Could be, I just wish I knew what day they picked up the trash here. Hey, here comes the mail man - ask him.

Tony Almeida [Rolls down the window]
Excuse me, what day do they pick up the trash on this block?

Mail Man
I don't know, I just started this route yesterday...

Jack Bauer
Tell us what we need to know, mail jockey!

Tony Almeida [Shows his badge]
It's OK, we're with CTU.

Mail Man
I'm sorry, like I said, I just started this route yesterday, so I...

Jack Bauer
Grab him, Tony!

[Cut to rear area of SUV. Jack is holding Mail Man, who is screaming as Tony breaks his thumb]

Jack Bauer
TELL US WHEN THEY PICK UP THE TRASH!

Mail Man
AAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Tony Almeida
He's passed out, Jack.

Jack Bauer
We should have started with the pinky, but damn it, we haven't got time to follow protocol!

Erin Driscoll [Over Jack's radio]
Jack - Jack, are you there?

Jack Bauer [Yelling into radio]
Damn it, Erin, I don't have time for this conversation! The last thing I need right now is someone looking over my...

Erin Driscoll
Jack, we have the suspects in custody here at CTU - both of them. We're starting intense interrogation now, get back here as fast as you can.

Jack Bauer
Erin, wait!

Erin Driscoll
What is it Jack?

Jack Bauer
I...I think you should go easy on them.

Erin Driscoll
Why, Jack? Do you have new information?

Jack Bauer
No, it's just that...[Looks at Tony, then both of them looked at the Mail Man passed out in the back] I'm starting to have my doubts about how effective torture really is.

05:59:57 (beep)
05:59:58 (beep)
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06:00:00 (beep)

 

Comments

[Hans]

Thank You Wuzza! I missed it last night. All caught up now.

That Jack Bauer.. He's a HAMMER:

Could be, I just wish I knew what day they picked up the trash here. Hey, here comes the mail man - ask him.

[Patton]

Words fail me. Except for those three, that is, and these nine.

[Judge Jonathan]

GENIUS!!!

[Robert Bidinotto]

Wuzzadem dunnitagin.

Very funny send-up on my favorite show. Thanks.

[Amidaous]

that kicked ass, i love the jack bauer power hour

[C. Decker]

Hahaha...very funny stuff.

[Greg]

Two things:

You need a disclaimer at the top "Do not drink fluids while reading"

and

You owe me a new keyboard.

[BZTV]

Beauty!

[malboroman]

i have to agree with Decker you need a disclaimer... you owe me a new laptop :) hahaha...great find!

[Gary]

The first time I read this I hadn't seen the show. Since then I've watched everything on DVD until halfway through season four - right about where this post picks up. By pure chance I checked it out again at the perfect moment.

Now that all the references make sense, I swear I nearly pissed my pants reading it over. The battery routine had me crying. This really was genius. Great job!