WuzzaDem

DU: Complaint Letter

Got a note from one of our friends at DU:

 

To the proprietor of the 'WuzzaDem' web site:

Dear sir,

I have noticed that your web site features, among other things, what appear to be 'parodies' of discussion threads taken from the Democratic Underground discussion board. 

I believe it was Sid Caesar who once said, "Comedy has to be based on truth."  You probably don't know this, but Mr. Caesar was not just a comedian, he was was an astute observer of the human condition.  The problem with your web site is that your brand of comedy is based on half-truths.  There are, from time to time, people who participate in discussion threads at DU whose political leanings might be considered 'far-left', and whose rhetoric is at times 'over the top', but there are many intellectuals in the reality-based community who take part in these discussions, expressing themselves in a reasoned and thoughtful manner.  I don't see any of their thoughts or opinions represented in your 'parodies'.  Perhaps your readers prefer charicature to realism.  Pity.

It's easy to selectively choose snippets of a conversation, paste them together, and embellish them in such a way that the speaker's intent -  and the context of the conversation itself - is grossly distorted.  I'm not suggesting that this is your intention, but I think your readers would be better served if you were to provide them with material that is more reality-based, and dare I say, progressive.

I look forward to your reply.

My Reply

Dear Socrates,

I believe it was Mark Twain who once said, "There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility."  He died a long time before Al Gore invented the Internet, so he never had a chance to visit DU.  If he had, I'm sure he would have selectively chosen a few snippets of that that statement and pasted them together in a way that that reflected his newfound realization there are a lot of boring people who call themselves 'intellectuals', when all they're really doing is regurgitating hackneyed left-wing cliches that have very little basis in reality.

It's true that not everyone who posts at DU says outright that "Bush/ChimpFace/Smirky is Hitler", or that the George W. Bush and/or the United States Goverment is purposely oppressing and/or killing Muslims, gays, poor people, blah, blah blah.  But I've only seen two other types of posts there:  The ones that led credence to, or at least empower those tin-foil hat conspiracy theories, and the ones that are deleted as soon as the so-called 'moderator' sees them.

In closing, I believe it was Richard Eder who once said, "This sentimental comedy by the Soviet playwright Aleksei Arbuzov is said to have had a great success in its own country. So do fringed lamp shades."

I thought you might like that because it has the word "Soviet" in it.  There's also a joke in there, but I'm sure you got it.

Take care.

His Reply

Sir,

Lenny Bruce once said, "Satire is tragedy plus time."  Perhaps when the day comes that the turbulent and contentious times in which we live have passed, and our "elected" representatives once again represent the citizens of this country, and not themselves and their business associates, then satirizing the opinions of those with the courage to criticize these representatives might actually be considered humorous to some people.  Until that time, you should consider the consequences of your actions.

My Reply

Dude,

Paul Goodman said, "Comedy deflates the sense precisely so that the underlying lubricity and malice may bubble to the surface."  Was that guy a pompous ass or what?  I mean, I don't even know WTF he was trying to say, but then I'm not an anarchist.  Or an 'intellectual'.

Keep on truckin'

His Reply

WuzzaDem Guy,

According to Garrison Keillor, "The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles."  I think this statement speaks volumes.

'Nuff Said

My Reply

DU Guy,

First of all, Garrison Keillor is a major a$$hole, so I could care less what he says, and secondly, he wouldn't know funny if it bit him in the a$$ (which explains why he thinks "Get it?" is actually funny).  This is why Garrison Keillor is on public radio.

Later

His Reply

All right,

So it sounds like you're not willing to compromise, and that really sucks if you ask me.  I'm trying to be civil, but you're really pi$$ing me off.

Bye

My Reply

Hey,

As Judge Judy once said, "Well, sir, if you sent me a bunch of crazy e-mails like this, I would have taken out a restraining order, too - what are you, some kind of lunatic?" 

Go away.

His Reply

WuzzaDIM,

Typical repuke.  You're so blindly loyal to the Chimp-in-Chief that you don't even realize that your Dear Leader is on the brink of destroying your freedom of speech. Let's see how funny you think it is when the f*cking Brownshirts come after you and close down your little web site.

Zieg Heil, Retard!

My Reply

Hey Asshat,

As Stave Martin once said, "Excuuuuuuse me!"

I've blocked your e-mail address.  Thank for the witty repartee.

Kerry Off-Camera

Overheard during commercial breaks from today's Meet The Press interview.

FIRST BREAK

Russert
So, do you really think there could be some doubt about the legitimacy of the election in Iraq?

Kerry
Absolutely not, Tim.

Russert
But you just said there was right before the break.

Kerry
I did?  Wow, I must have been on autopilot.

SECOND BREAK

Russert
So...nice tie.

Kerry
Oh, thanks.  Picked it up at Barney's

Russert
Uh-huh...so what's a tie like that run you?

Kerry
I don't know; buck and a quarter.  Maybe buck and a half.

THIRD BREAK

Russert

Kerry

Russert

Kerry

Producer
Ten seconds!

Russert
Thank God.

Kerry
What?

Russert
Nothing.

DU: Iraqi Election Hysteria

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
I can't believe the media! All they can talk about is the "happy" Iraqis, how high turnout was, and how "freedom" has spread to Iraq. I had to turn off CNNazi because they kept focusing on the so-called "voters" and barely mentioned the brave brothers of the resistance. Where are the freedom fighters today??? Are their voices silenced because some American puppets cast a few ballots?

Positive_Femergy (742 posts)
I'm just hoping that something good will come from this. I mean, if women finally have the chance to cast a real vote, maybe they'll finally escape the oppression that was visited on them by Sadam's misogynist regime.

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Pull your head out, Femergy! Can't you see the right-wing media's complicity in this conspiracy to present the people of Iraq with a Trojan Horse they call "freedom"? Believe me, once the gates of Troy they call "polling places" have closed, the colonial invasion forces of Amerikkka will complete their imperial occupation by installing a Kapitalist puppet regime led by Cheney's cronies at Halliburton.

Young_Anarchist (157 posts)
You left out an analogy for the soldiers coming out of the horse, Progressive.

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Shut up, Kid.

Young_Anarchist (157 posts)
Sorry.  I'm just trying to help.

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
I've posted over a thousand times, I don't need your help.

Positive_Femergy (742 posts)
I guess you have a point, Progressive.  Halliburton is even more misogynist then some Arab societies are alleged to be by the so-called 'liberal media'.  At least I'm sure they must be, you know, since they have a connection to Cheney.

Chimp_Hater (989 posts)
Yeah - Bush is Hitler!

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Dude; try to post something with substance.  That * is Hitler crap is getting old.  I'm not saying it's not true, it's just not very original.

Chimp_Hater (989 posts)
Sorry, man.  Just trying to get up to 1,000 posts.

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Well, earn it.  That's what I did.

J_Saylor
Sorry, Progressive, but you're way off base. Don't you think that the "resistance" is going to be hunting down people with ink-stained fingers for the next few days? I don't think we should be cheering on the thugs who will try to cut those fingers off.

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Do you have any idea how naive you sound?

Young_Anarchist (157 posts)
Yeah, you're like an Iraqi insurgent, coming in here trying to bully us with your thug logic!

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
He's not like an insurgent, you idiot!  He's like the imperial American forces, trying to force his own twisted version of debate on us, whether every one of us throws flowers at his feet and welcomes him as a liberator or not.

Young_Anarchist (157 posts)
Are you sure, Progressive? Isn't he more like a thug who's in the minority, trying to force his point of view on all of us by any means possible, even if it falls outside the generally accepted norms of human decency?

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
Those aren't 'thugs' you moron, they're freedom fighters engaged in a struggle to preserve the integrity of their country against overwhelming odds! Haven't you been reading any of the material I told you to study?

Young_Anarchist (157 posts)
Not yet, I've been really busy working on my big post on how * is conspiring with the right-wing media to, uh, well, I forgot what it's about, but it's really good.

Chimp_Hater (989 posts)
Yeah, Bush is Hitler!

Progressive_Conscience (1,000+ posts)
That's it; I'm out of here.

Iraqi Election: Live-Blogging

 

I just got home.  The polls in Iraq opened about 45 minutes ago, I'll be live-blogging the election coverage on the cable news networks:

Geraldo Rivera
...on this most exciting, joyous, and indeed historic of occasions in the lives of these proud Iraqi people, who have lived for so long under the tyrannical rule of the murderous, bloodthirsty, megalomaniacal, power-hungry, sadistic, brutal dictator Sadam Hussein.  I have here with me Sergeant Buck Trainor of the Fighting First Cav, a unit my brother and I spent quite a bit of time with in Afghanistan. Come on over here, Sarge. 

Sergeant Trainor
Good to see you, Geraldo.

Geraldo Rivera
Good to see you again, man.  The last time I saw you, my brother Greg and I had just driven across some of the most treacherous territory in Afghanistan, literally putting our lives at risk in a valiant effort to reach the front lines.  I recall our driver, a little guy we called 'Wazzi', saying that he'd never seen a more courageous and dedicated...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
Ron Reagan, this will be the first time in over fifty years that the people of Iraq will have the opportunity to participate in a free, fair, and  democratic election.  What are your thoughts on this historic occasion?

Ron Reagan
Well, Joe, there are over a thousand candidates in this election.  They are as diverse as the people of Iraq, comprising Sunnis, Shi'ites and Kurds.  Fortunately for the people of Iraq, none of them are bible-thumping evangelicals Jesus-freaks determined to shove their religious beliefs down the throats of....

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Greta van Susteren
...so once again, it appears that this was a lone suicide bomber who never made it to his intended destination, blowing himself up at a checkpoint instead.  Joining me now is Cyril Wecht, nationally renowned forensic pathologist.  Dr. Wecht, it's good to see you again, looks like you've been working on that tan.

Wecht
Good to be here, Greta.

Greta van Susteren
Dr. Wecht, with an explosion of this kind, that is, someone actually blowing himself up with what was apparently a fairly powerful explosive device, what kind of injuries would you expect to see?

Wecht
Well, Greta, the bomber himself was most likely literally blown to bits.

Greta van Susteren
What about possible secondary injuries?

Wecht
Well, one would assume that the resulting spray of shrapnel, bone fragments, bits of skull...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
Our own David Schuster is in Baghdad.  David, there have been a lot of concerns about security there, with the Sunni Arabs threatening to kill anyone who takes part in this election.

David Shuster
That's right, Joe.  Unfortunately, those threats have been very effective, resulting in widespread fear, and leaving very little hope of any meaningful participation in this election...

Joe Scarborough
David, I hate to interrupt you, but right now I'm looking at a live feed from Mosul, and it appears that there are long lines at the polling places.  In fact, it looks like there are hundreds of people waiting to vote there as we speak.

David Shuster
Really?  Well, Joe, considering the situation on the ground in Mosul, I'd say those people are practically sitting ducks in an area controlled by Baathist extremists...

Joe Scarborough
I can also see American snipers positioned strategically on rooftops...

David Shuster
They wouldn't be the first snipers to be taken out by...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
I'm joined now by Tom Hammill, who spent about three weeks in captivity in Iraq before making a dramatic and highly publicized escape.  Tom, I want to thank you for joining me here tonight.

Hammill
It's my pleasure, Rita.

Rita Cosby
So, what are your thoughts tonight as these brave Iraqi citizens, with whom you developed such a strong bond before your capture, venture out to vote in a democratic election for the first time in their lives?

Hammill
Rita, I'm overjoyed by the prospect of these...

Rita Cosby
I'm sorry Tom, but we're running short on time, so let me ask you something.  I know you still have quite a few friends in Iraq, tell me, what do they think about the Michael Jackson case?

Hammill
The Michael Jackson case?

Rita Cosby
They probably don't see as much of the coverage as we do here in The States, but certainly they must be aware of the colossal blunder made by Tom Sneddon, the DA who announced very early on that the case was, in his words, 'a slam dunk'.  Of course, those words came back to...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
...and what appear to be American military helicopters patrolling the skies..

David Shuster
I'd hate to be in one of those choppers, considering the capabilities of the surface-to-air missiles the insurgents...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Geraldo Rivera
...so my brother Greg tells the guy - hey, are you listening?

Sergeant Trainor
What?  Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

Geraldo Rivera
He says to this guy, "Look man, you don't want to mess with me.  My brother and I are both third-degree black belts, and these hands are registered weapons..."

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Ron Reagan
...buck-toothed, cousin-marrying, ignorant Neanderthal...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
...said that Jackson gave him wine, which he called "Jesus juice", showed him pornographic pictures, and asked him to touch...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
...tanks and armored vehicles surrounding the city on all sides..

Shuster
One IED and those tanks are toast.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Cyril Wecht
...massive pulmonary barotrauma, which of course, is the most common fatal primary blast injury...

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
...there we see Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi casting his ballot...

David Shuster
Wouldn't want to be him, Joe.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
How could they not know who Kobe Bryant is?

Hammill
I don't even know who that is.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
And that, of course, is Iraqi Interim President Ghazi al-Yawer casting his ballot...

David Shuster
Dead man walking.

(TELEVISION OFF)

I give up.  I'll check the papers in the morning.

InstaDream

I was at Starbucks, toiling away on a post for my little blog, when I noticed someone approaching me out of the corner of my eye. "Hello" said the tall stranger. I looked up, and thought for a moment I must be dreaming.

"You're Glenn Reynolds!" I said, and promptly proceeded to trip over my own tongue.  "You're the InstaBlog, I mean Instapundit guy, I mean, I write your blog every day...I mean I read your blog every day."

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! I'd just made a complete fool of myself in front of Glenn Reynolds. How many times had I played this scene out in my head? I'd always played it so cool in those fantasies, always so nonchalant. "Oh, hi," I always imagined myself saying, "you're, uh, don't tell me - is it Glenn?" Now I was acting like a starstruck Starbucks Instagroupie. I was sure Glenn must have thought I was a total doofus. I was certain our brief conversation was at an end, but he looked me right in the eye and said, "Aren't you John from WuzzaDem?"

I couldn't believe my ears. Glenn Reynolds knows my name? Glenn Reynolds knows about my blog? Before I could ask him how he knew who I was, he continued, "You know, I have a confession to make - I've always wanted to link to your blog, but to tell you the truth I was afraid to ask you."

I was speechless!  "You were afraid to ask me?" I replied.  "I've always wanted you to link to me, but I was afraid to ask you." We both laughed, breaking the tension. I asked him to sit down, and he did, sipping his non-fat, no-foam, triple latte as he leaned back in his chair. I still couldn't believe it - I was actually sitting across the table from Glenn Reynolds, The Blogfather, having a cup of 'InstaJoe.' There was so much I wanted to say, but it felt as though my lips were sealed shut. Glenn broke awkward silence. "Look," he said, "I have a confession to make. The reason I approached you is because I wanted to ask you if you would be willing to do something for me, something that would really help me out. I know it's a lot to ask, but...no, forget it..it's too much."

"No, no, go ahead," I said, "just ask, whatever it is."

"Well, I know this sounds crazy, but is there any way you would consider giving up your blog and joining me? Just hear me out. We could have a DuoBlog. I was thinking we could call it InstaWuzzaPunditDem. What do you think? You don't have to answer now, I'll understand if you need time to think it over."

It felt like the room was spinning - and then, for no apparent reason, Glenn started saying "Sir? Sir? Sir?" over and over again...

When I opened my eyes, Glenn was gone and the Starbucks guy was nudging me. "Sir, you need to wake up, we're closing now." A dream. It was all a dream. None of it was true. Of course it wasn't. Glenn Reynolds doesn't know who I am. After all, I'm just a Flappy Bird in the TTLB Ecosystem. I felt like such a fool. I grabbed the trusty laptop, picked up my signed, first-edition copy of 'Blogging for Dummies' and went home.

Glenn and I have never really had a chance to connect, what with our busy work schedules, personal commitments, e-mail blocking software and temporary restraining orders, but I look forward to meeting him someday. Then we can have that cup of coffee. I'll even let him pick up the check.

Man, Was I Wrong About Liberals

I've done a lot of thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I've been unduly harsh on so-called 'liberals', who do make some very good points.  For example, you'd have to be blind not to see that Bush's re-election was actually a referendum on evil, and a victory for war, torture, intolerance, fear and hatred, and thaKJIL&HBU^RURNKTU^BR

Sorry everyone - no, I haven't lost my mind, someone hacked into the site and posted a bunch of left-wing, moonbat craKIMN*&TBNRU^$%EBN

Hey, sorry about that, just experiencing some technical difficulties.  Anyway, my future posts should reflect a more open-minded attitude on my part, andKNU&%BHG^R$U^%GHBEN

OK, I think I've got this fixed now, I'll delete this garbage as soon as I geMOL&NO*YGUFNT^FDYVD

We're back!  Now, how about a parody of those wacky conservatives over at Free Republic?

Freeper 1
I think George W. Bush is the greatest thing since voter disenfranchisement. 

Freeper 2
You can say that again!  I can't wait for him to declare marshall law and deport anyone who doesn't agree with his ultra-conservative agenda.

Freeper 3
Hey everyone, I just painted a giant American flag on the the side of my house.  I sure hope others are offended by my superficial and hollow display of patriotism.

Freeper 4
That's really cool, Freeper 3.  You know, I'm so blindly enamored of President Bush that I just renamed my fourteen-year-old twin daughters W1 and W2.

Freeper 3
That's great Freeper 4, but doesn't W2 sound an awful lot like WW2?

Freeper 4
No problem - I love war!

Freeper 5
Me too, Freeper 4!  So, what's everyone doing this weekend?

Freeper 3
Well, I live in a so-called 'red state' area, so I plan to oppress people who simply want to pursue peaceful alternative lifestyles.

Freeper 5
What a coincidence - that's exactly what I'm doing!

Those crazy Freepers - they really crack me up!  Hey, what if Dan Rather was on Judge Judy?  I think it might go something like this:

Judge Judy
Dan Rather, isn't it true that you and the other members of the so-called 'liberal media' are really nothing more than shills for the Republican party?

Dan Rather
No, your honor, that's not true at all.

Judge Judy
Then how do you explain the fact that you purposely distort the news in a way that gives the Bush Cabal favorable coverage, while obscuring their criminal acts and genocidal policies?

Dan Rather
Whoa!  Looks like you've got me there, Judge Judy.

Looks like Judge Judy was finally able to expose thH^GH%KUJTH^%

OK, problem's finally solved.  I'll delete this crap as soon as I canMOLMLOA8C4N8NRBQCKUQ

Whoa!  Was that crazy or what?  Don't worry, I won't be returning to my old narrow-minded, conservative ways any timP98347CNP98YW89Y849ATY

Get out of here you stupKNIU*&BVU%^RV%RBNYFYTBF

You get out repuke!  We're taking over all of these fuOP(*&JMPYI&YN&TB

Sorry everyone, still work on this, just ignorPK(*PMK(&*YNBKUJYTV

DU: Inauguration Day Blues

Luv_Lady (983 posts)
I can't believe they're actually about to swear in this blood-thirsty warmonger after I worked so hard on the Kucinich campaign.  I just wanted this country to be led by a man of peace, a man with tolerance and compassion, and now we have four more years of death and destruction.  I wish someone would just break through that line of cops, pull him out of that limo and choke the crap out of him!

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
You can say goodbye to what's left of your civil rights, everyone.  This administration will not tolerate dissent of any kind, and by the time the BushCo Criminal Enterprise has completed its second term, freedom of speech as we know it will no longer exist in this country.

Voice_of_Reason (74 posts)
I agree.  Well, at least they allowed some of the demonstrators to hold up signs along the parade route.

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
What is your damage??  You're sticking up for Smirky McChimp and his goon squad?

Voice_of_Reason (74 posts)
I'm not sticking up for them!

Luv_Lady (983 posts)
Freeper alert!  Get this Nazi out of here!

Young_Anarchist (1 post)
Hi everybody!  My name's Patrick, I'm from North Carolina.  I just became an anarchist and just found out about this site.  It's great!

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Hi Young Anarchist. Listen, you really shouldn't give out your personal information here.

Young_Anarchist (1 post)
Oh, sorry about that.  I didn't mean to offend anybody here, sorry.

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
No, you should just be careful in case * or his people are watching, you know?

Young_Anarchist (1 post)
Oh, OK.  Who is *?

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Look, why don't you go and look around the site, look at some of the posts, get a feel for how things work, and then start posting.

Young_Anarchist (1 post)
OK, thanks a lot!  I'll be back later.

Ready_4_Freedom (824 posts)
Did anyone see the C-Span coverage of the demos?  It was awesome!    The anarchists looked like they were really well organized.

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Did you see those two guys with the gas masks on?  They each had a big picture of Chimp with a Hitler mustache.  One of their signs said 'If you voted for this moron then I hope you die', and the other said 'Red-Staters can kiss my a$$'.  It was so beautiful that I started crying, and when my little girl asked me what was wrong, I just told her that all I wanted was for her to grow up to be as strong as those two brave men.

Luv_Lady (983 posts)
Darn!  Now I'm crying too!  I swore I wasn't going to do this today!

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Hugs everybody!!  <<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Strike_Back_Now (158 posts)
I am so pissed about the amount of money that ChimpFace spent on this circus!  You know how much armor that could buy for the troops?

Ready_4_Freedom (824 posts)
Armor?  WTF is the matter with you? 

Strike_Back_Now (158 posts)
I just meant, you know, like supporting the troops.  I mean not the criminal war, the troops.

Ready_4_Freedom (824 posts)
So you support a bunch of red-neck baby-killers who are helping the BushCo regime to annihilate the world's Muslim population so that they can convert the entire Middle East into a Christian empire of the Nazi States of Amerikkka?

Strike_Back_Now (158 posts)
No, I just meant, you know, theoretically, like if there were any, you know, troops that really deserved our support, then we'd have that money to get armor for them.  Not these troops.

Ready_4_Freedom (824 posts)
Oh, sorry, man.  I just thought you'd gone off the deep end for a minute there.

Strike_Back_Now (158 posts)
No way, man!  I couldn't sleep at night if I actually supported the troops in this war.

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Hugs everybody!!  <<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Young_Anarchist (1 post)
F*ck the troops!  Smirky McChimp is Hitler!

Liberal_Mind (1000+ posts)
Now you've got the hang of it, Young Anarchist!

Hardball: Barack Obama

Matthews
I'm Chris Matthews, let's play Hardball.  First up - today's Senate confirmation hearing for Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice was, at times, tense, even confrontational, but I don't think there's any doubt that this was one of the standout moments of the day.  Just look at this clip.

Barack Obama
Dr. Rice, I'd like to start by thanking you for taking the time to appear before us today, and to commend...

Matthews
Wow - I've got to say that I've seen a lot of politicians in action, but that was just amazing!  I mean this guy has only been in the Senate, what, like a month, and already he's like an old pro!  Andrea Mitchell, I don't think it would be over the top to say that the man we were just watching there is going to be the next black president.

Mitchell
I think you mean the first black president, Chris.

Matthews
Well, what if he were to become the next president?

Mitchell
He'd still be the first black president.

Matthews
Yeah, but then he'd be the next president, and he'd be a black president, so, technically speaking, wouldn't he be the next black president?

Mitchell
Wait a minute, let me think about that.

Matthews
Anyway, Andrea Mitchell, what did you think of Barack Obama's performance today?

Mitchell
Chris, I thought it was nothing short of stellar.  He was confident, he spoke directly into the microphone, used just the right hand gestures, he was making eye contact, and whenever it seemed like he might be getting a little hoarse, he drank just the right amount of water.  It was right on the mark.

Matthews
Yeah, you know, some people are calling this guy a 'rock star', and I'll tell you, after today's performance, I can see why.  Take a look at this clip.

Obama
...and Senator Biden asked a very interesting question earlier.  I'm not sure that he ever got an answer, but it was an excellent question...

Matthews
Andrea, isn't that what they call giving a 'shout-out', like he's giving 'props' to his 'peeps' in the Senate?

Mitchell
.............

Matthews
Looks like Andrea's got to think about that one, I think I might have stumped her.  Let's go to Mike Barnicle over in Boston.  Mike, have you ever seen a more flawless performance than the one we saw from Barack Obama today?

Barnicle
Oh, without a doubt , Chris...

Matthews
The Red Sox winning the World Series doesn't count.

Barnicle
Well, I would still say yes...

Matthews
Neither does the Red Sox winning the pennant.

Barnicle
Oh.  In that case, I would have to say no, I haven't.

Matthews
That's what I thought.  Andrea, tell us about some of the highlights of today's hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

Mitchell
Well, Chris, as I'm sure you've heard, there's been quite a bit of talk about Barbara Boxer today.

Matthews
There sure has.

Mitchell
Well, take a look at this.

(Clip of Barbara Boxer looking at Barack Obama as he's speaking)

Mitchell
Now, Chris, we've both been in Washington long enough to be able to read that look.  It's obvious that she's thinking "Wow, this man, Barack Obama, is really amazing.  I've been in the Senate a long time, and I've seen people come and go, but this is certainly one of the most impressive people I have seen, not only in my time in the Senate, but in my life."

Matthews
Isn't it amazing how some people can be so expressive without saying a word?

Mitchell
It certainly is.  And take a look at this.

(Shot of Chuck Hagel straightening up some loose papers)

Mitchell
Now, here we have Senator Chuck Hagel, who is obviously thinking, "Barack Obama is such an amazing orator and outstanding statesman, that I'd better do everything I can to look my best when I'm up here with him, including making sure that everything around me is as tidy as it can be."

Matthews
Wow, that's heavy stuff.  Mike Barnicle, what went through your mind as you were looking at that last clip?

Barnicle
Well, Chris, my take was a little different.  I think that what you have here is Senator Chuck Hagel, and you know, he's thinking "Hey, I'm up here with this Barack Obama, and, you know, the guy is a heck of an orator and a pretty darned good statesman, so, you know, I should probably do my best to look good up here, and, of course, that includes making sure that I, you know, keep my stuff as tidy as I can."

Mitchell
That's exactly what I just said!

Barnicle
What are you talking about?  I just came up with that off the top of my head.

Mitchell
Then why were you reading from notes when you answered?  Show us those notes!

Barnicle
All right, but look, it's not exactly what you said - I punched it up a little, is that a crime?

Matthews
OK, let's get back to the hearing.  Now, here's a clip that I found especially interesting.

(Shot of Richard Lugar, looking straight forward and smiling)

Matthews
Now, he was smiling like that the whole time that Barack Obama was speaking.  Mike Barnicle, what do you make of that?

Barnicle
Well, the guy is obviously very pleased.  I mean, as a Democrat, I'm sure Senator Lugar has some concerns about the dearth of real 'stars' in his party...

Mitchell
Lugar's a Republican, Mike.

Barnicle
He is?

Mitchell
Yes.

Barnicle
Are you sure?

Mitchell
Of course I'm sure.

Barnicle
Wow, he sure doesn't act like one.  Well, in that case, I guess the guy just likes to smile.

Matthews
He sure does.  Anyway, Andrea, give me your prediction for these hearings.

Mitchell
Chris, the spotlight will continue to shine on Barack Obama, as it rightly should, and I think we're going to be even more impressed with him, if that's possible.

Matthews
What about the confirmation?

Mitchell
The what?

Matthews
The confirmation.  Will Condoleeza Rice be confirmed as Secretary of State?

Mitchell
Oh, yeah.  Sure, why not?

Matthews
Mike Barnicle, your prediction?

Barnicle
Next year it's the Sox all the way, only this time they sweep the series, even without Martinez.

Matthews
I don't know who that is.  Anyway, thanks to both of you for being here.  Next up on Hardball, Democratic activist Whoopi Goldberg is here to critique Senator Ted Kennedy's speech before the National Press Club last week, maybe she'll work in a couple of 'booty' jokes - HA! I love those!  Stay tuned, you won't want to miss this.

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  Why not?  You got something against front pages?

Update: Thanks to Ace of Spades HQ for linking to this post.

Update II: La Shawn Barber has something to say about Boxer and "The Squad of Liberal Losers"

Update III: The Proprietor at The Iraq War Was Wrong Blog has thought of a way for Obama to increase his appeal even more (if that's possible).

My Agent(?) Called

Looks like I have to get an unlisted number.

Me (Answering phone)
Hello.

Guy on the Phone
John - baby!  Sweetie!  How are you?

Me
Who is this?

Guy on the Phone
Who is this – I love that sense of humor!  It’s Rex, your agent.

Me
My what?

“Rex”
Come on, baby!  Has it been that long?

Me
I’m sorry, but I don’t know anyone named Rex.

“Rex”
John, hey, come on now.  Have you forgotten that lunch at The Palm already?

Me
I don’t know what The Palm is.  Who are you?

“Rex”
OK, I get it - all business, no time to shoot the breeze.  All right, here’s the bottom line – you’re big, baby. No, I take that back - you’re not just big, you’re HUGE.

Me
Look, um, Rex, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“Rex”
Come on man, don’t be modest.  There’s a buzz out there, baby - a huge buzz, and everybody’s talking about Fuzzydem.

Me
What?  You mean WuzzaDem?

“Rex”
Right, right, Wuzzydem.  Look, I read the trades, and you’re hot, you hear me?  You’re HOT!  I hear you were just on Power Log.  That’s HUGE, man.

Me
You mean Power Line?  What 'trades' are you talking about?

“Rex”
Right, right, and one of my people said he saw you on that, uh, International Outdoor Review.  It doesn’t get any bigger, baby.

Me
International what?  You mean National Review Online.  Yeah, well, they mentioned the site on The Corner.

“Rex”
Right, right – the corner, the street, people are talking everywhere.  I heard you were even on Rather Bites – man, that’s HUGE.

Me
Stop saying ‘huge’, would you?  And I think you mean Rather Biased.

“Rex”
Face it, man, you're too big to mess with this DC Jumble any more, you gotta think BIG.  It's time to break out!

Me
What?  Are you talking about InDC Journal?  Look, those sites are all a lot bigger than mine, and they were nice enough to help me out by...

“Rex”
Look, babe, between you and me, that Mr. Nice Guy routine will only get you so far in this business - it's a jungle out there!  Now, I know we never actually put anything in writing, but I’ve got some ideas, BIG ideas.  And before you say anything - I know what you’re thinking – what do I need this guy for?  After all, I was featured in Right Wing Dudes…

Me
It’s Right Wing News!  Look, I don’t know you are, you're creeping me out, and you obviously don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, so I really…

“Rex”
Look, sweetie, I might not be up on all the latest ‘hip’ computer jargon, but I know one thing – this slogging thing is really taking off, I mean it’s going to be HUGE, and if you’re out there without representation, you’re just asking for…

Me
It's BLOGGING!  All right?  Blogging!  Now, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t know who you are, and I’m kind of busy, so I’ve got to go, OK?  Goodbye.

“Rex”
Let’s do lunch!  (CLICK)

Judge Judy: Rather and Mapes

(Announcer as Mapes and Rather walk into courtroom)

"Ex-television producer Mary Mapes is suing her former boss, popular TV news anchor Dan Rather, for causing her to be fired from her job after she allegedly provided him with false documents that were used in a news story about President Bush.  Dan says Mary knew the documents were phonies but never told him. He's counter-suing for defamation of character."

Judge Judy
Miss Mapes, until recently you worked for the defendant as a television producer for a news show.  According to your complaint, you came into possession of some documents that were used as part of a news story for which the defendant was the reporter.  Evidently there was some doubt as to the authenticity of these documents, and as a result you were fired from your job.  You say that the defendant was every bit as responsible as you, but ultimately you were held responsible and he got off scot-free.  You're suing for lost wages and infliction of emotional distress.

Mapes
Yes, your honor.

Judge Judy
The defendant says that he was simply reporting a story using documents that you said were authentic, that he had no idea there were any doubts about them, and that he basically showed up and read a script that had been written for him.  He says that if anyone should have been fired it was you.  Is that basically correct, sir?

Rather
Your honor, in all my years as a journalist...

Judge Judy
Just answer my question sir - is that basically correct?

Rather
Yes, yes it is.

Judge Judy
Good.  Now, Miss Mapes, tell me about these documents.

Mapes
Well, your honor, I had been working on this story for about five years, and I...

Judge Judy
Five years?  Why in the world would it take you five years to work on a news story?

Mapes
Well, this wasn't really a news story, it was more like a piece of investigative journalism.

Judge Judy
I don't care if you were building a skyscraper, how could it take you five years?

Mapes
Well, I have to follow up on leads, develop sources...

Judge Judy
Speak English, madame!  Just tell me about these documents.  Where did you get them?

Mapes
Well, these were some memos that appeared to be very damaging to the President...

Judge Judy
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?

Mapes
Oh, sorry.  I received the memos from a source that...

Judge Judy
I asked you to speak English.  What is a "source?"

Mapes
It's someone who provides you with information, either on the record or off...

Judge Judy
You mean it's a person.

Mapes
Yes.

Judge Judy
Then say person!  Who gave them to you?

Burkett
I did, your honor.

Judge Judy
What is your name, sir?

Burkett
Bill Burkett.

Judge Judy
Step up.  Now, tell me, sir,  where you got these memos?

Burkett
I came into possession of these particular documents after I was contacted by a woman by the name of Lucy Ramirez.

Judge Judy
And how do you know this Lucy Ramirez?

Burkett
I don't know her, your honor.

Judge Judy
What do you mean you don't know her?

Burkett
Ms. Ramirez telephoned me one day to tell me that she had some documents about President Bush's Texas Air National Guard service that could be very damaging to him.

Judge Judy
Don't tell me what she said to you, that's hearsay.  Did you make arrangements to obtain these documents?

Burkett
Yes, I arranged to meet Ms. Ramirez at a livestock show in Houston.

Judge Judy
And on what date did you meet her?

Burkett
I didn't meet her, your honor.  While I was at the livestock show, I was approached by a man who asked if I was Bill Burkett.  I said I was, and he handed me an envelope...

Judge Judy
Don't tell me what he said to you, that's hearsay.

Burkett
Actually, he didn't say anything to me after that, he just handed me the envelope and walked away.

Judge Judy
He just handed you an envelope and walked away without saying a word?

Burkett
Yes, he disappeared into the crowd.

Judge Judy
What are you, a secret agent?  Mr. Burkett, do I look like a fool to you?

Burkett
No, your honor.

Judge Judy
Because what you've just told me has got to be one of the biggest cock-and-bull stories I've ever heard.  Why would someone who you'd never met just call you out of thin air and offer to give you documents that might be damaging to the President of the United States?

Burkett
Well, I was in the Guard...

Judge Judy
OK, now we're getting somewhere!  So you had first-hand knowledge of what occurred because you were in the National Guard with the President?

Burkett
No, your honor.  Actually, I was in the Army National Guard, Mr. Bush was in the Air National Guard.

Judge Judy
Mr. Burkett, are you taking any medication??

Burkett
Yes, your honor, right now I'm taking an anti-convulsive, two anti-depressants, and...

Judge Judy
Sit down!  Miss Mapes, are you telling me that you worked on this story for five years, and all you could come up with is some memos that some mystery man--who may or may not have been sent by this Lucy Ramirez--gave to James Bond here at a livestock show?

Mapes
Well, yes, your honor, but you should remember...

Judge Judy
And someone actually paid you to do this?

Mapes
Well, the underlying facts of the story have never...

Judge Judy
You wouldn't know a fact if it bit you in the behind!  Now, Mr. Rather, I want you to tell me what you knew about these memos and when you knew it.

Rather
Well, your honor...

Judge Judy
Look at me when you're testifying, sir.  Stop looking into the camera.

Rather
My apologies, force of habit.  Your honor, I always say If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned.  Now this whole dust-up has caused quite a bit of consternation for quite a few people, and I wish it had never happened, but then again, if a frog had side pockets he'd probably wear a handgun.

Judge Judy
Mr. Rather, are you taking any medication?

Rather
No, ma'am.

Judge Judy
Then get to the point!  Now, please answer my question.

Rather
My pleasure, your honor.  To tell you the truth, if I knew then what I know now, I would not have gone ahead with the story as aired.

Judge Judy
What do you mean "as aired?"  What evidence did you have besides these memos?

Rather
None, your honor, but I have it on very good authority that the allegations set forth in the memos are true, regardless of whether or not the memos themselves are authentic.

Judge Judy
Do you know how foolish you sound, Mr. Rather?  That's like me saying that I have reason to believe that I'm twenty-three, regardless of the date on my birth certificate.

Rather
Well, Judge Judy, if you'll just hear my witness, I think you'll see what I mean.

Judge Judy
All right, step up.  What's your name, ma'am?

Knox
My name is Marion Knox.  I was the secretary of Lieutenant Colonel Jerry Killian, who is the alleged author of the memos in question.  I used to type all of his memos.

Judge Judy
So you're telling me that these memos did come from this Lieutenant Colonel Killian?

Knox
No, your honor.  I didn't type them, but I believe that the information in them is correct.

Judge Judy
So you think that someone else typed them for the Colonel?

Knox
Oh, no, your honor.  In fact, those memos contains terms that are specific to the army, not the air force.  The formatting is also all wrong, and the signatures don't look anything like the Colonel's.

Judge Judy
This is your witness, Mr. Rather?

Rather
Yes, your honor.  In fact, I interviewed Ms. Knox on national television.

Judge Judy
For what purpose?

Rather
To prove that the memos were authentic.

Judge Judy
Are you listening, sir??  She just testified under oath that they're fake!

Rather
Yes, but she also told me that she believes that these are memos that Colonel Killian might have written if he had the opportunity, because he basically agreed with the sentiment that was expressed in them.  If you'll just keep asking her questions, the story starts to sound much more believable - you just have to phrase the questions correctly.

Judge Judy
Mr. Rather, you're giving me a lot of 'who-shot-John!'  Did you know Ms. Mapes got these memos from Mr. Burkett, and were you aware of the rather bizarre circumstances under which he obtained them?

Rather
No, your honor.  I only found out about Mr. Burkett much later, and I have never met him or spoken to him.

Mapes
He said on national television that the memos came from an unimpeachable source!

Judge Judy
Is this true?  Did you say that?

Rather
I did, your honor...

Judge Judy
Why would you say that if you'd never met him?

Rather
Well, I was trying to assure our viewers that, uh, that is, uh, we were trying to get to the bottom of this whole thing...

Judge Judy
It sounds more like you were trying to cover your tracks.  In my opinion, a five-year-old child would have demonstrated more common sense than the two of you did in this matter. 

Ms. Mapes - I don't know how you could do such shoddy work and expect to keep your job, but I certainly would have given you your walking papers if you worked for me.  Your case is dismissed.

Mr. Rather, having heard your testimony, not to mention that of your witness, I'm convinced that you not only knew that the documents in question were fishy, to say the least, but it appears that you were trying to cover up that fact.  I don't know why you weren't fired, but if I were you, I'd update my resume.  Your counterclaim is dismissed.  Now if you'll both excuse me, I have a splitting headache - step out!

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  Why not?  You got something against front pages?

 Update: Thanks to RatherBiased.com for linking to this post!

Update II: Power Line has linked to this post as well!  Once again, I hate that "I'm not worthy" crap, just insert equivalent remark here.

Update III: Sorry, but earlier comments were mistakenly deleted while I was trying to get rid of one 'inappropriate' remark.  Comments are closed.

Update IV: Comments reopened for "retread" posting.

Called My Lawyer

I have this attorney I've used a couple of times, and I'm trying to get better at the 'keeping in touch' thing, so I gave him a call just to shoot the breeze.

Me
Hey Jim, how's it going?

My Attorney
Oh, hi, hi.  Gee, this kind of embarrassing , I don't have you on my calendar for today.  Remind me again, what is this in reference to?

Me
It's not in reference to anything particular, I just wanted to say 'hi'.

My Attorney
Right, right.  OK, let me just put you on speaker so I can take notes.

Me
You don't need to take notes, I was just...

My Attorney
Hey, no problem.  If you'd rather we put this on tape I can have it set up in no time, but before we can start I'll need you to read a brief statement indicating that you consent to having the conversation recorded...

Me
You don't need to record anything either.  I was just calling to have a, you know, a normal conversation.

My Attorney
Oh, right, right, I get you now - normal conversation.  I can certainly do that.  Well, then...let's proceed.

Me
OK, so, how are you?

My Attorney
I'm uhhh...I'm uhhh...listen, I'm sorry, but I'm really not comfortable doing this without having a few ground rules in place.

Me
Ground rules for what???

My Attorney
Just some basic terms and conditions, the usual indemnification clause language, you know.  Don't worry, I've got some boiler plate, my secretary can type it up have it to you in no time.  You just have a look at it, sign it, fax it back to me and we're good to go.  And listen, if you feel you should consult another attorney before you sign, I'll understand.

Me
Why don't we just forget it, OK?  I'll talk to you some other time.

My Attorney
Right, right, no problem.  Hey, thanks for calling, it was great talking with you.  And listen, I'm not going to bill you for this - after all, we're friends, right?

La Shawn Barber's Got Questions, We've Got Answers

So La Shawn Barber wants bloggers to answer a few simple questions.  I can do that as long as they're simple, and provided I'm not obligated to buy anything.  I mean, this isn't like one of those timeshare scams or anything, right?  OK, as long as we're clear on that:

1) How long have you been blogging?

I've only been a blogger for a few months (November of 2004), been a bloggee for quite a bit longer than that.  My site is really not about quantity so much as it is not about quality.

2) Do you believe you’re addicted to blogging? Please explain, and be honest. It is habit-forming, I must confess. (If I decide to use your response, I may have follow-up questions.)

Wait a minute, this is one of those 'interventions', right?  Because I can walk away from blogging any time I want to. True, I blog constantly, and yes, I suppose I have let myself go a bit, and I know the house could use some work and the car needs servicing, but it's just a hobby.  An all-consuming hobby that may someday cause me to destroy everything I hold dear and drive me to the brink of ruin, but, really, is that what you'd call an addiction?

3) Have you ever taken a hiatus? If so, for what reason and how long?

Yes.  I didn't really do any posting for a while between Christmas (can I say that?) and New Year because:

I: I was wicked sick

II: Even though I was wicked sick, I still had a lot of "holiday" stuff going on.  So what do you want from me - blood?  Can't I take a few days off just for myself?  What do you want, a note from the doctor?

4) Have you ever thought of giving up your blog? Why or why not?

Why, are you interested in buying it?  Oh, sorry, I misunderstood the question:  No, I haven't.

Why?  Well, I'm a newbie, so I suppose I haven't been doing this long enough to be transformed into a bitter and twisted shell of a man who views his blog with a level of disdain he never thought possible, but hey, I'm looking forward to it.

Why not?  I don't mean to nit-pick, but that question doesn't really apply, because I already said no.

Learn How to Use a Damn Search Engine!

If you got to this site by way of a search engine, like Google, and you're not finding what you were looking for, I have a suggestion:

Read the freaking instructions!

Try using quotation marks - they look like this: "  " or parentheses - they look like this: (  ).  I'm not going to explain it to you, because you can read Google's instructions here (just click on the word 'here'.  No, not that one, the one just before the parentheses, you know, the things that look like this:  (  )  OK, now it's kind of confusing because those parentheses are inside of parentheses...look, just click on the one that's underlined!).

Anyway, this is why you're getting thousands and thousands of results when you just type in a string of words like:

picture of a really buff guys ass

or

i want to know how to make french toast


If you'll just take the time to read the instructions before you search for something on the web, you'll get much better results, and you won't end up going to scores of sites that have nothing to do with your particular area of interest (like this one).  Then (hopefully) you'll have no reason to send idiotic e-mails like this one:

wheres the picture of the really buff guys ass?

Or this one:

You don't tell people how to make french toast! Now I wasted so much time here I don't have time for any french toast or even regular toast cuz I'm late for work,even though I already knew how to make regular toast and didn't need you to tell me how to make it!

Or this one:

WuzzaDem, increase length and width with NO PUMPS OR WEIGHTS!

OK, I really can't blame you for that last e-mail, but I'm sick of those, too.  Anyway, happy searching, and I'm looking forward to not seeing you here any more.

Update: This post is linked with Outside the Beltway's Beltway Traffic Jam

Update II: Over at My Arse From My Elbow they've seen some strange search queries from their visitors as well.  Good site, check it out.

Yahoo (!) (?)

I've got a problem with the Yahoo(!) logo.  Don't get me wrong - I'm no 'square', and I get the whole 'Dot-com dudes that ride unicycles to work (or maybe bicycles, or possibly even hybrid cars--provided, of course, they carpool--if it's too far to 'uni' or 'cycle', and they can't possibly get there using public transportation), play ping-pong while they're trying to come up with a wicked-bitchin' algorithm, and work until three AM, taking occasional breaks to have super-soaker fights with the CEO' and everything, so I understand the goofy logo and the (!).  It's annoying, but I get it.

But recently, when I was looking at some of the tsunami coverage on the web and came across an article posted by 'Yahoo(!) News', I couldn't help but think - shouldn't 'Yahoo(!)' come up with an alternative logo for the 'Yahoo(!) News?'  I mean, come on, does this look right to you?

Man Decapitates Self, Then Shoots Wife

Of course not.  Not only do they use the wacky logo (which I guess is supposed to remind you of the "Yaaaaa-hoooooo-ooo-oo" song), but then they throw in the little cartoon newspaper (as if that somehow makes up for the guy not having a head).

Maybe 'Yahoo(!)' could learn something from Norm McDonald, the greatest fake news person ever to pretend to read the news.  Years ago, he reported the following on SNL:

"Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week!"

Now, that sounds pretty callous, but, ever the consummate fake professional, Norm corrected himself immediately:

"Oh I'm sorry,  that should read Yippee Jerry Rubin died last week.  My mistake, I read that wrong."

You see what he did there?  Clarification, context, and yes, accountability.  If only Dan Rather took his job so seriously.  Now, I realize that Yahoo(!) is no Norm McDonald, and I know that it's probably not realistic to expect them to change their logo this late in the game, but I think they should be willing to compromise.  Maybe they could do something along these lines:

*
*We at Yahoo! apologize for the use of the goofy logo with the (!) thingy at the end of our name.  Should you be reading any stories about decapitation, sterilization (you know, the 'naughty bits' kind, not the 'cleaning up around the operating room' kind), or any other subjects seemingly incompatible with the (!) thingy, please bear in mind that we thought up the logo when we were just a couple of slackers riding unicycles to college, and had no idea that someday the company would be so freaking huge, and that, as a result, we would be so fabulously rich that we would just as soon spit in your face as shake your hand.

If they were really sensitive to the feelings of their readers, they would implement this immediately.

Sandy Berger: What's the Big Stink?

Former Clinton administration National Security Advisor Sandy Berger admitted today that he purposely destroyed documents he secreted out of the National Archives.  In the past, Berger admitted to destroying the documents, but said he had done so accidentally.  In a brief press conference today, Berger's attorney said:

"Secretary Berger did, in fact, destroy certain documents that he took from the National Archives.  He did so purposely, but only because of the high regard in which he holds The Archives and its patrons.  The Secretary had a special pocket sewn inside the back of his pants for the purpose of taking the documents, which he fully intended to return.  Unfortunately, in his haste he missed that pocket and placed the documents in question directly into his pants.  He did not discover his mistake until some time later, when he was about to shower following a particularly strenuous workout at his local health club.  At that point he felt that the documents should not be handled by others, and were, frankly, beyond salvage.

Democrats were quick to come to Berger's defense.

Hillary Clinton, junior Democratic Senator from New York, and First Lady during Berger's term as National Security Advisor, said "I have known Sandy Berger for many years, and I have the utmost respect for him.  Today's revelation does not come as a surprise to me, as I have always known The Secretary to be a very considerate man.  In fact, in all the time we have known each other, he has never once asked me to handle anything that was in his pants."

Former Clinton aide Lanny Davis commented "I've worked out with Sandy, and he spends a lot of time on those stationary bikes.  Anyone who might have planned on handling those papers at some future date should be thankful that he did what he did."

When asked exactly how many documents had been destroyed, Berger's attorney said that the former National Security Advisor was not really sure, as the papers had "Sort of melted into one big clump" by the time they were discovered.  Most of the reporters left the room at that point, and there were no further questions.

"The Hallway" on WuzzaDem

Time for more witty banter and in-depth analysis from WuzzaDem's writers and contributors at "The Hallway."

BREAKFAST [Wuzz]
Had oatmeal this morning, used milk instead of water.  Makes it a little more creamy, and, I suspect, more nutritional.
Posted at 10:29 AM

RE: BREAKFAST [JFW]
Pop-Tarts for me - and don't you mean "nutritious?"
Posted at 10:32 AM

BAD MORNING [John]
Damn!  I buy a brand new pair of shoes with a deep, waffle-style sole, and the first time I walk out of the house with them on my feet, I step right into a huge pile of dog crap.
Posted at 10:35 AM

RE: BAD MORNING [JFW]
Hey, do you mind?  We're talking about breakfast.
Posted at 10:37 AM

JUST GOT WORSE [John]
Well, turns out that *stepping* in the huge pile of dog crap wasn't the worst part.  I ended up having to use my toothbrush to clean my shoe, probably have to buy a new toothbrush now.
Posted at 10:39 AM

RE: RE: BAD MORNING [John]
JFW, just read your post from 10:37 - actually this happened right *after* breakfast, so I was on topic.
Posted at 10:40 AM

RE: JUST GOT WORSE [Wuzz]
What do you mean *probably* have to buy a new toothbrush?
Posted at 10:42 AM

LAZY READERS [John]
Just got this e-mail from a reader:

        What do you mean *probably* have to buy a new toothbrush?

Here's my response:

        I suggest you re-read my post.  If you do you'll see that I had just used that toothbrush for something pretty unsanitary.

Posted at 10:43 AM

RE: LAZY READERS [Wuzz]
John, I think he was questioning your use of the word "probably".
Posted at 10:46 AM

RE: RE: LAZY READERS [John]

Right.  Sorry, my bad. Just sent this e-mail to him:

        Sorry, my bad.

Posted at 10:48 AM

RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [JFW]
By the way, John, I wasn't talking about you being *on* topic, I just meant that the topic itself wasn't really appropriate when people were discussing what they had for breakfast.
Posted at 10:52 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [John]
So what are you, JFW, the "Hallway" monitor?
Posted at 10:54 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [Wuzz]
"Hallway" monitor - good one!
Posted at 10:55 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [JFW]
So Wuzz, you're taking John's side again?
Posted at 10:57 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [John]
Sorry, forgot to credit that "snap" to a reader, just got this e-mail from him:

        Hey, I used that "Hallway" monitor joke in an e-mail to you, and you used it without crediting me.

Here's my response:

        Credited.

His response:

        Can you link to my blog?

My response:

        Not a chance.

Posted at 10:59 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BAD MORNING [Wuzz]
JFW, I'm not taking anyone's "side", I just thought it was funny. Lighten up.
Posted at 11:01 AM

LATEST ON MEMOGATE [Phil]
Has anyone seen the latest press release from CBS on Memogate?  It's unbelievable!
Posted at 11:04 AM

RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [JFW]
Don't try to change the subject, Phil!  I've had it with John and Wuzz.  I bust my ass here every day, and all these two can do is trade quips and put-downs like a couple of junior high drop-outs.
Posted at 11:06 AM

RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [John]
What do you mean, "bust your ass?"  You spend half your time correcting our grammar and etiquette like you're the freakin' Emily Post of the blogosphere.
Posted at 11:13 AM

RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [Phil]
Well, technically, John, I don't think The Hallway is really a "blog", so I'm not sure the term "blogosphere" applies.
Posted at 11:15 AM

RE: RE: RE RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [John]
Hey, shut up Phil!  I don't even know why you're here.  You're not published, you don't have a column, and all you ever have to contribute is a link to a story someone else did, and some dipstick comment like "Wow, have you seen this?"
Posted at 11:17 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [Phil]
Well, I'm really sorry I don't have any interesting stories or insights about what stuck to the bottom of my shoe this morning, or the consistency of my breakfast cereal!
Posted at 11:19 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [JFW]
Hey, Phil, was that crack directed at me?
Posted at 11:20 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [Wuzz]
Good one, Phil!
Posted at 11:22 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [John]
What do you mean "good one Phil?"  He was taking a shot at me!
Posted at 11:25 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: LATEST ON MEMOGATE [John]
Well, if the shoe (with dog crap on the sole) fits...
Posted at 11:28 AM

ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [Dave]
What the hell's going on here?
Posted at 11:29 AM

RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [John]
Oh, hi Dave.  How was your vacation?
Posted at 11:31 AM

RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [Dave]
Well, obviously it was a little shorter than I expected, and it looks like no one here expected me to be back this soon, either.
Posted at 11:32 AM

RE: RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [Wuzz]
Sorry, Dave, we were just having a little fun.
Posted at 11:33 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [JFW]
Yeah, we were just having a little fun, Dave.
Posted at 11:35 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [Dave]
Well, have you considered getting any work done today?
Posted at 11:36 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [John]
Oh, yeah, Dave.  Phil's on to some really good stuff on Memogate, we're all over it.
Posted at 11:37 AM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!! [Dave]
All right, well, it's just about lunch time anyway, but I want to see someone serious witty banter and in-depth analysis here as soon as you get back, and I'm not kidding.
Posted at 11:38 AM

LUNCH [JFW]
Pasta for me!
Posted at 11:39 AM

Update: Thanks to Ace of Spades HQ for linking to this post.  I would say "I'm not worthy!", but, frankly, I hate it when people say that.

Update II: Thanks to Bill from InDC Journal for linking to this post as well (here).  You don't read InDC Journal?  WTF is the matter with you?

Update III: OH MY GOD I'M ON THE CORNER!  No, really!  Take a look here.  Thanks K-Lo!

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  Why not?  You got something against front pages?

Interview with Mary Mapes

The Internet is going nuts now that CBS has released its report on Memogate.  I wanted to get ex-60 Minutes producer Mary Mapes' reaction, and I managed to reach her by phone at her home.

Mapes
Hello.

WuzzaDem
Hi, Mary Mapes, please.

Mapes
This is Mary Mapes.

WuzzaDem
Miss Mapes, this is John from WuzzaDem.com, I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the report CBS released today.

Mapes
What report?

WuzzaDem
You know, the report on the investigation by Richard Thornburgh and Louis Boccardi, regarding the documents that 60 Minutes used in its story on President Bush's National Guard service on September of last year.

Mapes
And you have this report?

WuzzaDem
Well, I have a copy.

Mapes
Where did you get it - do you work for CBS?

WuzzaDem
No, I got it from the CBS web site.

Mapes
The web site?  Have you talked to anyone at CBS to confirm that what you have is a copy of the actual report?

WuzzaDem
Well, no, like I said, it's on CBS's web site...

Mapes
Have you talked to Dick Thornburgh or Lou Boccardi?

WuzzaDem
No, like I said....

Mapes
Listen, Don, or whatever your name is, I suggest that you do a little due diligence and confirm that this 'report' that you got from the 'internet' is real.

WuzzaDem
But, I...

Mapes
Otherwise, you might be asking people questions based on what might be false or misleading information, does that make sense?

WuzzaDem
Yes, but I know that...

(click)

 

Update: Bill at InDC Journal, Michelle Malkin, and Wizbang are all over this.

Update II: Jeff at Protein Wisdom notes that I was gauche enough to ask him to link to this post, while neglecting to link this his.  Once again, that's Jeff at Protein Wisdom's post on Mary Mapes.  So be sure to visit Protein Wisdom, and while you're there, don't miss the Mary Mapes post.  Here's a link to the post.

Update III: Are You Conservative? Caught this interesting segment of Scarborough Country last night, where they discussed Memogate.  I missed it (must have been powdering my nose).

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  Why not?  You got something against front pages?

Speaking Up For Alberto Gonzalez

I wasn't happy with the treatment Alberto Gonzalez received this week at the hands of certain liberal legislators on the Senate Judiciary Committee, so I dashed off the following letter to my own Senators:

Dear Inconsiderate Jackass,

Just a quick note to let you know that I would appreciate it if you could turn your freaking guitar amplifier down to, oh, say, somewhere below the volume of a Ted Nugent concert, after 10:00 PM.  Also, while I'm sure it's a lot of fun to play the first twelve notes of "Smoke On the Water" for hours on end, listening to it is enough to make you want to slash your...

 

Wait, that's the wrong letter.  Oh, here it is:

Mr. WuzzaDem,

Thanks for taking time to interview with us recently.  Unfortunately, upon further review of your resume, we have found several inconsistencies, including the fact that you claim to have spent the last three years working for the former employer of our Human Resources Director, who says he has never heard of...

 

That's not it either (I didn't even write that one).  Ah!  Here we are:

Dude,

Pull your head out!  Even if Wile E. Coyote did manage to somehow buy the rocket-powered skates from Acme (and you still haven't explained where he'd get the money, and I'm not buying your "trust fund" theory), there is no way he could just hang in mid-air without falling for a full three seconds once he goes off a cliff...

OK, this embarrassing.  Sorry, I know the letter's around here somewhere, I'll post it as soon as I find it.

Update: This post has been linked with Outside The Beltway's January 11th Beltway Traffic Jam.

Blast From the Past

Anyone else remember this commercial?

"Hey good-lookin', we'll be back to pick you up later!"

Why Health Costs Are So High

Then:

Patient
"Doc, it hurts when I do this." (raises left arm in from of him)

Doctor
"Well, don't do that."

Now:

Patient
"Doc, it hurts when I do this." (raises left arm in from of him)

Doctor (hours later)
"Well, your white cell count looks good, as is your cholesterol level, there are no apparent abnormalities in the X-rays, bronchography, or the CAT scan, your EKG and EEG results are normal, nothing unusual from the urine or stool specimens, the Doppler Ultrasonography didn't detect any blockage, narrowing, or clots of your veins or arteries, the results of the Percutaneous Transhepatic Cholangiography don't indicate that you have jaundice, or any mechanical obstruction that would result in the kind of acute pain you're describing, so now we're just waiting to hear back on the sputum culture, but, just to be on the safe side, don't do that."

Ex-Hawks Now Hacks for Dem Doves

Blogs for Bush has some good information on the opposition to Alberto Gonzalez' confirmation as AG, and the consequences of mistakenly affording terrorists Geneva Convention protection. 

I don't know much about the retired military officers who have partnered with "Human Rights First" to oppose Gonzalez' nomination, so I decided to look up some of their war-time quotes.  I think these provide a lot of insight into the beliefs and character of military officials.  For instance, General George Patton once said:

"Infantry must move forward to close with the enemy. It must shoot in order to move…. To halt under fire is folly. To halt under fire and not fire back is suicide. Officers must set the example."

OK, now let's look at some quotes from the "anti-Gonzalez" crew.

Merrill A. McPeak
Former Air Force Chief of Staff
"Are you nuts?  You almost shot those guys!"

Marine Gen. Joseph P. Hoar
Former Chief of the Central Command
"Listen, marine, I don't like the word 'enemy.'  For all you know, we could have a lot in common with these people."

Army Gen. John M. Shalikashvili
Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
"Alright, everybody just calm down!  I'm not about to lead a bunch of hotheads into battle."

Rear Admiral John Hutson (ret.)
"Let's try firing over their heads first.  We don't want to be too hasty."

The "Chinese Restaurant" System

How much time do we waste every day, repeating the same oft-used phrases, verbally and in writing?  Chinese restaurants solved this problem a long time ago:

Chinese restaurant customer:
"I'll have the #4."
(Translation: I'll have the beef with broccoli, spicy eggplant, moo-goo gai pan, vegetable lo mein, potstickers, fried rice, and green tea ice cream.)

Why can't every establishment have their own "menu" of the most-repeated phrases?  I think this would save an enourmous amount of time:

The Post Office:

Customer
"#43"
(Translation: Do you think maybe I could get some help sometime today?)

Postal Worker
"#56"
(Translation: What do you think this is, FedEx? AAAHAHAHAHA!!)

IHOP:

Customer
"#32"
(Translation: Excuse me waitress, but these eggs are runny, I ordered sourdough toast, not english muffin, and I said hash browns, not home fries.)

Waitress
"#47"
(Translation: Oh, well excuse me, Mr. hoity-toity international gourmet.  I'll just drop everything I'm doing and go tell the royal chef that His Majesty is unhappy with his breakfast.)

Grocery Store:

Checkout Person (To seventh person in line)
"#94"
(Translation: I'm sorry, sir, but this line is closed.)

Customer
"#65"
(Translation: What do you mean it's closed?  There are like six people in line.)

Checkout Person
"#46"
(Translation: I'm closed right after the man in front of you.)

Customer
"#37"
(Translation: Why didn't you tell me that?  I've been in line for like five minutes now.)

Checkout Person
"#48"
(Translation: Well, I didn't see you.)

Customer (Who knows that she saw him get into line, and she didn't say anything about being closed then.)
"#22"
(Translation: You saw me get into line, and you didn't say anything about being closed then.)

Checkout Person
"#83"
(Translation: I did not see you get into line, sir, and I told the gentleman standing in front of you that I was closing right after him, so he should have told you.)

Customer
"#77"
(Translation: It's not his job to tell me the line is closed, he's a customer.)

Other Customer
"#51"
(Translation: Yeah, it's not my job to tell people the line is closed.)

Checkout Person (Who knows she's wrong)
"#24"
(Translation: I'm sorry, sir, you're going to have to get into another line.)

Customer (Who has no intention of getting out of the freaking line)
"#61"
(Translation: You've got to be kidding me!  I've got three items and every other line is packed - I want to talk to the manager.)

Checkout Person (Who doesn't even really look around for the manager)
"#18"
(Translation: I don't know where the manager is.)

Customer (Who's ready to just lose it any minute)
"#67"
(Translation: So pick up that phone thingy and page him.)

Checkout Person
"#14"
(Translation: This phone isn't working.)

Customer (Who can't believe what Checkout Person is saying because he just saw her use the phone to get a price check on radishes two minutes earlier)
"#28"
(Translation: Now, that's a damned lie!  I just saw you use it to get a price check on radishes not more than two minutes ago!)

"Other" Other Customer (Who's only speaking up for Customer because she knows that he's right and the Checkout Person is wrong)
"#39"
(Translation: That's true, I saw you use it.)

Checkout Person (Talking to "Other" Other Customer, obviously pi$$ed off because she knows she just got caught in a lie)
"#86"
(Translation: Ma'am, do you want to get out of line and go to another checkstand with the troublemaker here?)

Other Customer Number Two
"#97"
(Translation: No, sorry.)

Checkout Person
"#95"
(Translation: Then butt out.  And you - get out of my line before I call security.)

Customer (Who finally loses it, but, come on,  can you blame him?)
"#72!"
(Translation: That's it, I want to see the manager right now!  I've had it with this #**&!* store!)

Democratic Underground:

Dedicated_Deaniac
"#72"
(Translation: Is everyone blind??  Can't they see that BushTard just stole his second election?  The only difference is that this time, instead of having the Supreme Court of the Divided-Not-United States of Amerikkka select him, he just had his cronies at Diebold rig the vote count in swing states.)

Liberty_Luvver
"#81"
(Translation: Yeah, it makes me sick that Smirky McChimp and these nazi uber-repukes have four more years to destroy what's left of our civil rights, and that none of the red-state a$$holes that voted for him have any idea what they've done to this country!)

Air America:

Caller
"#73"
(Translation: Hi Randi, I'm so glad you're on the air, because no one else has the courage to report the truth about Bush and Kerry both being members of Skull and Bones, and that Kerry was really just helping his frat brother win a second term.  He never intended to win the election, and he supported illegal war with Iraq, as did many other so-called Democrats.  That's why I supported Dennis Kucinich, because until we get an anti-war, or should I say pro-peace, candidate in the White House, we're just going to see a continuation of this global campaign of military occupation, designed to expand the imperial territories of the United States.)

Randi Rhoades
"#98"
(Translation: Right on caller, and you people out there need to realize that ABC, the Washington Post, and the other media pawns of the Republican party are trying to fool us into thinking that they're critical of this criminal administration, when in fact they're just distracting the American public with trivial stories about Scott Peterson and red herring debates about "moral values" so that we won't notice that this country is being taken over by Dick Cheney's buddies at Halliburton.)

So, as you can see by the examples above, the "Chinese Restaurant" system has the potential to be a real time-saver, leaving all of us with more time to sit back and enjoy life.