Tommy Thompson - A Wealth of Information

Tommy Thompson announced his resignation today and was kind enough to point out to any terrorists who might have been listening how easy it would be for them to poison America's food supplies.  Most of the television and print media stopped their coverage shortly after that, but according to a transcript we obtained he went on to mention that:

- He was surprised his house had not been broken into since he keeps a spare key in the flower pot by the door and the house is generally empty from early in the morning till late at night.  Also, his security system hasn't worked for months.

- He couldn't believe that no one had ever stolen any money from his checking or savings accounts since the PIN numbers for both are 1234.

- The door to HHS headquarters can be opened even after it's locked if you jiggle the handle and pull up while you push.

- The "undisclosed location" that Dick Cheney is relocated to during emergencies is room 432 in the HHS headquarters building.

- He's really relieved that no one ever tries to take the briefcase full of highly sensitive government documents he carries when he travels, because he has a tendency to ignore it while placing phone calls in the airport and checking into hotels.

Luckily he was dragged off stage with a giant hook at that point.

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