Let's Play Hardball

Matthews
I’m Chris Matthews, let’s play Hardball.  Tonight—are ultra-conservative right-wing Republicans responsible for endangering the safety of the citizens of this country by stalling much-needed intelligence reform legislation for no good reason?  But first—the Middle East.  With Arafat gone and an election on the way, will Israel finally get off its high horse and cut the Palestinians some slack?  Jon Meacham is in the studio with me.  Jon who’s the road block in the Israeli government?

Meacham
Ummm…well Chris I don’t know if I’d use the term road block, but if you’re asking who the key players are in the Israeli side then I’d have to say that Ariel Sharon…

Matthews
Ha!  What kind of name is that…Sharon?  It’s spelled like a girl’s name.  I mean come on, you’ve got a real man’s name…Jon.  Jon.  Nobody could mistake you for a girl, right?

Meacham
Well Chris, I…

Matthews
I mean sure, you’ve got those kind of girly shoulders happening but if someone was judging strictly by your name then I say you’re all man.

Meacham
Well, uh, thanks but I thought we were talking about Ariel Sharon.

Matthews
Oh yeah, Sharon – you know who he reminds me of?

Meacham
No I don’t…

Matthews
King Tut!  Doesn’t he remind you of King Tut?

Meacham
The Egyptian pharaoh??

Matthews
No, King Tut!  Didn’t you ever watch the old Batman shows back in the sixties?  Victor Buono played King Tut.  They’d dress him up in this kind of wacky Egyptian costume and all these guys would carry him in on their shoulders and he always had some kind of crazy plan to kill Batman and Robin so he could take over Gotham City.  Doesn’t he remind you of King Tut?

Meacham
I…uhhh…I…

Matthews
Alright well anyways thanks for joining us Jon, I always learn something when you’re on the show.  Let’s move on now and take a look at what’s happening in Congress, where intelligence legislation is apparently being harpooned by super-duper-conservative far-right-wing uber-Republican extremists.  Opponents say they object to the lack of so-called “border security” measures that would, among other things, prevent people who can’t prove they’re American citizens from obtaining drivers licenses.  I’m joined now by Michelle Malkin.  Michelle welcome to the show.

Malkin
Thanks Chris.

Matthews
Michelle is the author of “Invasion: How America Welcomes Terrorists, Criminals, and Other Foreign Menaces to Our Shores.”  Let me ask you this Michelle, doesn’t Jon Meacham remind you of Agarn?

Malkin
Who?

Matthews
Agarn!  You know, from F-Troop?  Larry Storch played Agarn.  He was always screwing something up and Forrest Tucker—he played the Sergeant—would take off his hat and give him a few whacks over the head.  I mean come on--the guy looks like Agarn, doesn’t he?

Malkin
I never saw the show so I really can’t say, but what I wanted to talk about was...

Matthews
OK, if you want to limit the topics of conversation so you don’t have to get off your talking points then fair enough, we’ll do things you way.

Malkin
That’s not what I meant…

Matthews
So anyway I haven’t read your book, but judging by its cover I’d say you take this stuff pretty seriously.

Malkin
Well Chris, the security of this country is an issue that I do take very seriously, and as I say in the book…

Matthews
Yeah, I get it already. Listen, why would you want to deprive anyone of a driver’s license?  I mean if I’m Joe six-pack and I’m out there working nine to five at the factory six or seven days a week, shouldn’t I be able to drive home in my Ford Pinto or whatever so I can make it in time to watch Nascar or wrestling, maybe have some meat loaf…

Malkin
I’m not even sure what you’re talking about but I think we’ve gotten off the topic…

Matthews
OK, well let me ask you this, do you agree with Hunter and Sensenbrener and the other far-right-wing ultra-conservative Republican extrem…

Malkin
Well if you’re talking about illegal aliens then I would say no.  The United States government should not be issuing driver’s licenses to people who are here illegally, and there are some obvious reasons for…

Matthews
You know you always hear these people on the right talking about how liberals are “elitists”, but then when some guy out in Kansas City is forced to work three or four low-paying jobs because he can’t make ends meet any more…

Malkin
What has that got to do with…

Matthews
Listen, I know you have an agenda here, but I’m not going to let one person dominate the conversation on this show. Now you’ve had your say…

Malkin
You haven’t even let me complete a sentence!

Matthews
Look, I know this trick.  It’s something conservatives are very good at.  They monopolize the conversation, and then as soon as someone counters their argument with some real logic they start screaming that they’re not getting their enough time to talk.  Let’s go to Pat Cadell.  Pat you’ve been around a long time, don’t you think…

(Producer’s voice from offstage)
Pat’s not here Chris.

Matthews
Where is he?

Producer
He’s with Fox News now.

Matthews
That’s too bad, I like Pat.  I always get distracted when I’m talking to him though—he’s got that spot on his beard that makes it look like he was eating Cream of Wheat and got a little sloppy.  Maybe he should use that Just for Men gel – Ha!  Man, I love Cream of Wheat.  I could never really tell the difference between Cream of Wheat and Cream of Rice though.  How about you Michelle?  Michelle?  Where’s Michelle?

Producer
She left.

Matthews
That’s too bad, I always learn something from her when she’s here.  We’ll have to have her back sometime.  Anyway that’s it for tonight, thanks for watching Hardball and be sure to tune in tomorrow when we’ll be talking to Senator Norm Coleman of Minnesota.  Hey Pat, doesn’t Norm Coleman remind you of Dick Sargent from the old Bewitched show?  Or was it Dick York?  I could never tell those guys apart.  Pat?

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