WuzzaDem

Thanks

to every one of the men and women of the United States Military for their courage, conviction, and sacrifice.

I'll Be Back!

No time to post for a few days, but here's some stuff to keep you busy:

Are You Conservative? Visit the site and find out - don't peek at the answers!

Andi over at Andi on Politics is busy exposing elitism and serving our troops, and doing an excellent job.

Do NOT read BlameBush! if you have a cold.  I made that mistake, and I just about hacked up a lung.

Right Wing News is a daily read for me, and John has a bunch of goodies to keep you busy while he's away (scroll down).

The Iraq War Was Wrong Blog is - well just visit. (it.)

I read Michelle Malkin, InDC Journal, and Hundred Percenter News every day.

See you in a few days.

John McLugar Mellenhagel

That's right, John McCain, Richard Lugar and Chuck Hagel will now be collectively referred to by this new name.  They're essentially interchangeable anyway - and just think what a time-saver this will be for Wolf Blitzer, Tim Russert, Paula Zahn, Aaron Brown and all the others.  Instead of saying:

"Just today we heard from three different Republican senators; John McCain, Richard Lugar and Chuck Hagel, who all disagree with the President on (insert topic here)."

They can say:

"Just today we heard from Senator John McLugar Mellenhagel, who disagrees with the President on (insert topic here)."

And now they only need to interview one of these guys at a time - the three of them could take turns going on television to bash the Bush administration:

Wolf Blitzer
Joining us by phone to discuss this issue is Senator John McLugar Mellenhagel - Senator, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

John McLugar Mellenhagel
Thanks for having me, Wolf.

Wolf Blitzer
By the way, is this Senator McCain, Lugar or Hagel?

John McLugar Mellenhagel
Does it matter?

Wolf Blitzer
No, not really.  Senator, I'd like to get your opinion on the President's comments...

John McLugar Mellenhagel
I was very disappointed by the President's comments, Wolf.

Wolf Blitzer
If I could just finish my thought, sir, I was going to ask you about the President's comments just the other day in which he seemed to be less than supportive of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

John McLugar Mellenhagel
Oh, those comments.  I was very encouraged by those comments, Wolf.

Wolf Blitzer
Of course you know that in a speech he gave just yesterday the President said that he believes the Secretary is doing a fine job.

John McLugar Mellenhagel
He did?  Well, then I'll go back to what I said about being disappointed.

Wolf Blitzer
Senator, I'd also like to ask you about Secretary Rumsfeld's...

John McLugar Mellenhagel
I was very disappointed by the actions taken by Secretary Rumsfeld today, Wolf, and I'm calling for his resignation.

Wolf Blitzer
That's not what I was going to ask you about.

John McLugar Mellenhagel
Sorry - my bad.

Wolf Blitzer
I wanted to get you thoughts on the comments of...

John McLugar Mellenhagel
I was very disappointed by Secretary Rumsfeld's comments today, Wolf, and I'm calling for his resignation.

Wolf Blitzer
Actually, Senator, I was going to ask about the comments made by some of Rumsfeld's detractors today.

John McLugar Mellenhagel
Oh, his detractors.  Well, whoever they are and whatever they said, they have my full support.

OK, so the name change probably won't make John McLugar Mellenhagel any smarter, but at least we'll only have to hear from him once on any television or radio program.

And by the way, I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories, but has anyone ever seen Richard Lugar and Gilbert Gottfried together in the same room?  I have my suspicions.

Have you checked the front page for the latest posts?  Why not?  You got something against front pages?

At the Movies

Roeper
Good evening, I'm Richard Roeper.

Ebert
And I'm Roger Ebert - our first movie tonight is One Man Alone, a very moving comment on society and its effect on relationships that stars Kevin Bacon as a thirty-four year old man whose only problem in life is that he is attracted to younger women - in fact, they're so young that in some parts of the world they're not legally considered to be "adults."

Roeper
Roger, this is really one of the most touching portrayals of a pedophile I've seen in a long time.

Ebert
I agree, but I have to take exception with that kind of harsh labeling, Richard.  You know, the young women Bacon is involved with in this story are around fourteen and fifteen years old, and that's considered quite mature in many parts of Europe.

Roeper
I didn't mean it as a put-down, but I do apologize if I came off as judgmental.

Ebert
It appears that Bacon's character lives a fairly care-free existence, but as the story unfolds, we begin to see that behind the white picket fences of the suburban area where he lives, there's still a lot of prejudice against men who prefer the company of younger women.  This narrow-minded attitude on the part of more than a few people forces Bacon to move away from the town he's lived in for many years.

Roeper
Roger, I was astounded at the level of hostility this guy was forced to endure from his neighbors, his co-workers, and even some law enforcement officials once they found out he was having sex with these young women, who they insist on calling "girls."

Ebert
I was too, Richard.  Before long Bacon finds himself falling head-over-heels for a young woman named Misha, who he thinks can't be more than fifteen, but who in reality is twenty years old.  Naturally he's disappointed, but he's so smitten with her that he overlooks her age, tells her how he feels about her and they begin a relationship. 

Roeper
I thought it was great how they were able to show the struggle this character was going through when he found out how old Misha was, and how eventually he was able to forgive her for not telling him sooner that she was really a lot older than she looked.

Ebert
The range of emotion that Bacon showed there was amazing - It looks like things are finally getting better for Bacon's character, but soon he's introduced to Misha's fourteen-year-old sister Suzie and begins a relationship with her.  Misha finds out and is so upset that she contacts the police, who invoke an archaic law that makes it a crime for a man who's eighteen or older to have sex with anyone younger than eighteen.  Bacon is arrested and brought to trial, and despite a touchingly eloquent appeal to the sensibilities of the judge, jury and townspeople, he's sent to prison for nearly a year.

Roeper
You know, Roger, that scene in the courtroom, where he tries to explain to these people what he's been going through, the kind of prejudice and scorn that's been directed at him for so many years, is just so powerful.  Then when the camera scans the face of those jurors you can tell, without a word being spoken, that they have absolutely no empathy for this man and the challenges he's faced in his life.

Ebert
It's as if this moral bigotry is so deeply ingrained in each and every one of them that they're absolutely incapable of hearing a word that he's saying.

Roeper
There's an important point that should be made here too - I've spoken to a couple of legal scholars, and they tell me that this law referenced in the film isn't just something they made up for the sake of this movie, and it's not something you'll only find being enforced in the sort of backward "red-state" rural areas either.  This is a real law and it's still on the books in almost every state.

Ebert
Just one more reason this is such an important film.  I can't tell you any more without giving away the ending, but let's just say that if you think Bacon's problems are over once he gets out of prison, you're wrong - in fact once people find out that he's been to jail and why, things get even worse for him.  One Man Alone is a complex and compelling tale of a man whose only wish is to be left alone so that he can live his life the way he wants to.  Unfortunately it's a wish that may never come true for him.  Two thumbs up for me.

Roeper
Two thumbs way up for me, too, Roger.  You know there was a lot of controversy about a few of the scenes in this film too - a lot of religious and far-right wing groups were in an uproar because there are some fairly graphic scenes between Bacon and a couple of the actresses, one of whom was fouteen, and I believe the other was fifteen, but if they would have bothered to do a little research they would have found out that this film was shot in Canada, and the age of consent there is fourteen.

Ebert
So it's really a non-issue.

Roeper
It's a non-issue and it's just one more excuse for people to parade around with signs warning us about the "moral decay" of society.

Ebert
You know, you see these people and you just feel like grabbing them by the shoulders, shaking them and saying "It's just a movie!"

Roeper
Either that or "Get a life!" 

Ebert
That's good advice - we'll be right back with our video pick of the week.

 

Note: The preceding is a commentary on the moral degradation of the so-called "entertainment" industry and the Hollywood sycophants who are dragging it down even further.  It's not the least bit funny - in fact, it's sickening.

Back Soon...

Coming out of a Nyquil-induced stupor.*

*Nyquil is a registered trademark of the Procter & Gamble Co.  This post is not intended as an endorsement for Nyquil or any products of the Procter & Gamble Co. or any of its subsidiaries.  Please use caution when driving motor vehicles, operating heavy machinery or voting in presidential elections after consuming large quantities of Nyquil or Mad Dog 20-20, or listening to Air America Radio.

Fashion Tips for Liberals

Progressive fashion has come a long way, baby - but you wouldn't know it to look at the proud member of the reality-based community pictured above.  He's wearing the typically austere homemade tin-foil hat we've become accustomed to seeing at demonstrations against Bush, the WTO, or any election that results in a Republican victory. BO-ring!

Believe it or not he'll spend two or three hours working on his sign - drawing a Hitler moustache on a picture of President Bush, carefully crafting and attaching little swastikas, and then smoothing on a few International Answer and MoveOn.org stickers.  But when it comes to head gear, he'll wait till it's time to walk out the door, get out his trusty roll of tin-foil and take just two or three minutes to slap a piece on his head.  That's a crime against fashion!

Let's take a look at some of this season's snazziest tin-foil styles, all guaranteed to knock your hemp socks off!

Behold!

Just because you're at a baseball game doesn't mean you shouldn't be protected from the dangers of electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers.  And keep up that Chatter!

"Heeeyyyyyy batter batter batter batter - Bush is Hitler!"

 

 

Next we have something a little more stylish and sophisticated - for truly discerning lefties who want to look good at the yacht club or polo match.

"Really Muffy, that Bush person is such an uncouth, boorish lout.  Doesn't he remind you of that awful Hitler person?"

 

 

And for the multi-culturalists, mind control accessories with an "international" flavor.

"Oh, this old thing?  I picked it up on our last trip to Marrakesh.  We told everyone there we were from Canada because they all think Bush is worse than Hitler, but really, can you blame them?"

 

 

But for the truly hard-core (those with at least 1,000 posts at Democratic Underground) a hat alone is not sufficient.

"Smirky McChimp anf the rest of the BushCo criminal enterprise stole the election, but they'll never brainwash me into becoming some red-neck, flag-waving, Jesus-freak repuke - Bush is Hitler!"  (Lib_4_Life 1,000+ posts)

 

 

And don't forget Fido!

Woof!  Bush is Hitler!

Tin-foil hats: Effective?  Maybe.  Stylish?  Absolutely!

 

Photos and drawings from Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie home page home page, Cockeyed.com and Ericisgreat.com.

Hardball - with John Conyers

Matthews
I’m Chris Matthews, let’s play Hardball.  Tonight I’m joined by Senator John Conyers, Congressman from Michigan and ranking member of the House Judiciary Committee, who wants the FBI to open an investigation into what he calls "inappropriate and likely illegal election tampering" in at least one, and perhaps several Ohio counties.  Congressman Conyers welcome to the show.

Conyers
Thank you for having me, Chris.

Matthews
So let me ask you this Congressman – what evidence do have of any wrongdoing or intentional misconduct in the Ohio presidential election?

Conyers
Well, I have in my possession startling new evidence in the form of sworn affidavits from poll workers who were on duty the night of November 2, 2004.  I’ve just received these affidavits hours ago from an anonymous source.

Matthews
So what are we talking about here?  You mean like people challenging voters who are in the wrong precinct?

Conyers
Not at all, Chris.  This is actually much more sinister.

Matthews
Sinister!  I like that.  There’s a word you don’t hear much any more – sinister.  Makes you think of the old 60’s horror movies with Bela Lugosi or Vincent Price – by the way, don’t you think that Bob Dylan looks an awful lot like Vincent Price these days?

Conyers
Well, I’m not really…

Matthews
I mean come one, look at the guy - he looks scary, doesn’t he?  He’s got that pencil-thin moustache, he’s wearing that cowboy hat – what kind of look is that anyway, some kind of cowboy-horror movie chic?

Conyers
Chris, I’d really rather talk about the election…

Matthews
Right, the election.  So what’s in these affidavits, and where did you get them?

Conyers
Well, they contain eyewitness accounts of voter intimidation and destruction of ballots by representatives of the Republican party.

Matthews
And who gave them to you?

Conyers
That is something I’m not at liberty to say.  The person who supplied my staff with this documentation fears recrimination if his identity is revealed, so he wanted to remain anonymous - in fact, we don't even know his name.  Now as I say, I have only received these a few hours ago, but frankly, I am shocked by what I have read so far, and I think your viewers will be as well.

Matthews
Can you read some of them?  Quickly, because we’re running out of time.

Conyers
Certainly.  First we have an affidavit from a Mr. Seymour Butts, who was a poll worker in Cuyahoga County…

Matthews
I think I’ve heard of that guy.

Conyers
Yes, Mr. Butts was apparently told by a Republican election official to destroy all provisional ballots that had been cast by Democrats.

Matthews
Wow!

Conyers
Here’s another, this is from a Ms. Ivana Tinkle, and Ms. Tinkle says that she heard Republican poll watchers telling minority voters waiting in line to vote that they would need at least three pieces of identification.

Matthews
Now, this Tinkle woman is leveling a very serious accusation here – I mean this is dynamite.

Conyers
It’s funny that you should say that Chris, because one of the women working with Ms. Tinkle, and who corroborates her story, is in fact one Ms. Dinah Mite.

Matthews
Wow!  That’s spooky – kinda like Bob Dylan.  Ha!

Conyers
Indeed it is.  And finally, I have an affidavit – sworn and signed – from a Mr. Hugh Jass, who was a poll worker in Fairfield County…

Matthews
Now, I know I’ve heard of that guy somewhere.

Conyers
Well, Mr. Jass has been brave enough to put his rear on the line, so to speak, by documenting the fact that he observed Republican poll workers, once again, throwing away provisional ballots that were cast by Democrats.

Matthews
Wow!  Listen congressman, we’re out of time, and I wish we weren’t because this is just a dynamite story – dynamite…Ha!  We’ll have to have you back again soon.

Conyers
This country needs more Hugh Jasses, Chris!

Matthews
Well said, sir - we’ll be right back with more on former New York police commissioner Bernard Kerik who, according to the New York Post, doesn’t believe in recycling.  You’re watching Hardball.

Have you checked the Front Page for the latest posts?  Why not, you got something against front pages?

Liberals on Patrol

Sometime in the not-too-distant future, a patrol car for the Liberal Police Force prowls the streets of Los Angeles.  Malloy is a seasoned veteran of the force and former Moveon.org security chief, Reed is a wide-eyed rookie, anxious to keep the streets of L.A. as "blue" as possible...

Reed
Man, this is exciting Pete.  Think we'll get any conservatives tonight – or maybe a Christian?

Malloy
Take it easy rookie, it’s just you first night.  You’ll have plenty of chances to round up scumbags, right now you just need to keep your eyes open.  Hey look – an SUV!

Reed
People really do still drive those, huh?

Malloy
Believe it or not some people do.  Hit the lights partner!

(Car pulls over, Malloy walks up to driver’s side of the car, Reed to the passenger side)

Driver
What’s the problem, officer?

Malloy
I’ll ask the questions.  Who’s this with you?

Driver
Well…uuhhh…this is my wife.

Malloy
Wife, huh?  Hey Reed, check it out.  Looks like we got one of those “monogamists” here.

Driver
It's not illegal to be mariied.

Malloy
Not yet it’s not.  Step out of the car.

Driver (Getting out)
Gosh officer, I don’t know why…

Malloy (Slams Driver up against the car and gets in his face)
Did you say God!!!???

Driver
NO!!  No, I said Gosh.

Malloy
Because I’m on a real short fuse with you right now monster truck boy!  Driving around in this ozone blasting junkheap, flaunting your "moral values" with your marriage and monogamy, and now you’re trying to cram your religion down my throat!

Driver
I said gosh!!  I said gosh!

Wife
Let him go, please!  He didn’t do anything!

Reed
You don’t have to stick up for him Ma’am - if he’s forcing you to stay in some kind of sick, patriarchal, monogamous husband-wife relationship we can help you get out.

Wife
What are you talking about?  This is my husband!!

Reed
Is he forcing you to shave your legs and underarms?

Wife
Of course he’s not forcing me to…

Reed
Listen Ma’am, we can help you.  We have a Spouse Protection Program set up to get women out of these situations.  You don’t have to do this!

Wife
Are you crazy??

Malloy
For get her, Reed, she’s too far gone!  It’s the Stockholm Syndrome.  After a while they start identifying with their oppressors.

Driver
What are you talking about?  We’re married!

Malloy
I WARNED YOU ABOUT RUBBING MY FACE IN…

Reed
Malloy – calm down man!!

Malloy
Alright, alright I’m calm!  You just stand right there, I’m going to have a look around inside this gas-guzzling tank of yours. (Rummages around in back seat and pulls out a plastic shopping bag) What’s this?

Driver
It’s our groceries…it’s just our groceries.

Malloy
I’m talking about the bag!

Driver (flinching)
What!? It’s just a plastic bag.

Malloy
Exactly.  Plastic.  You people make me SICK!

Driver
That’s what they give you at the store.

Malloy
Yeah, I know the kind of "store" you’re talking about.  One of those big corporate chain stores owned by fat-cat executives that read the Wall Street Journal - you ever heard of a co-op?  Well, well...what’s this inside the bag?

Driver
Those are…uuhh…holiday lights.

Malloy
Don’t you mean “Christmas” lights?

Driver
Well, no, they’re, um, holiday lights.

Malloy
But you are a Christian - aren’t you?

Driver
Well, yes, but, um…

Malloy (mocking tone)
Hey Reed, look at me - I’m a Christian and I’m going to hang Jesus lights all over my house so everybody knows I read the bible and go to church and I hate Jews and Muslims.

Reed
Heh-heh, good one partner!

Driver
I don’t hate Jews and Muslim!

Malloy
Can it God-boy!!  Now look, technically you haven’t done anything illegal, so I’m going to have to let you go, but let me make one thing clear: I don’t like you and I don’t like your kind, so I don’t want to see you around here again.  Got it?

Driver
Yes sir.

Malloy
Beat it!

Reed (to Wife)
I’m telling you Ma’am, you don’t have to live this way.

Malloy
Save it partner – it's too late for her.  Let’s go.

(Back in the car)

Reed (pounding his fist on the dashboard)
What’s wrong with these people?  I tell you it just makes you sick!!

Malloy
Well I hope you’ve got a strong stomach kid, because believe me it gets even worse.

 

Referred by another site? Check the WuzzaDem Front Page for the latest posts.

My Conversation with Norman Mineta

I was not happy when I read this morning that Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta was staying on for Bush’s second term. I was going to call my Senators and representatives and let them know how I feel, but I thought it would be only fair to call Transportation first. I didn’t expect this…

Person answering the phone
DOT, can I help you?

WuzzaDem
Yes, I’m calling about Secretary Mineta…

Mineta
This is Mineta. Can I help you?

WuzzaDem
No, I don’t think you understand, I’m calling about Norman Mineta, The Secretary of…

Mineta
This is Norman Mineta, who's speaking please?

WuzzaDem
Oh, uh, this is John from Wuzzadem.   I'm sorry, I just didn't expect the Secretary of Transportation to answer his own phone.

Mineta
Mr. Dem do you think it’s right that certain people should be exempt from answering the telephone just because they happen to be in a position of authority?

WuzzaDem
Well yeah, I guess I expected that a receptionist or...

Mineta
Well I don’t sir. In my mind that would be discrimination, and I have seen the devastating effects of such discrimination firsthand. I’ve seen its effects on families and whole communities, I have seen…

WuzzaDem
OK, well I really wasn’t calling to talk about who answers the phone there and why. I’m calling because a lot of people, myself included, are unhappy with the way you’ve handled airline security.

Mineta
I see.  What specifically is it that…

(Phone rings in the background)

Mineta
Can you hold on please? I have another call coming in.

WuzzaDem
Oh, sure.

(Cheesy hold music)

Mineta
DOT, can I help you?

WuzzaDem
Yes, this is John – we were just talking.

Mineta
Oh, I must have picked up the wrong line. Would you mind holding again?

WuzzaDem
Sure.

(Cheesy hold music)

Mineta
DOT, can I help you?

WuzzaDem
Yes, it’s still John.

Mineta
Oh my. Hold on please.

(Cheesy hold music)

Mineta
DOT, can I help you?

WuzzaDem
Yes, this is still John.

Mineta
Oh goodness, I must have disconnected the last caller.

WuzzaDem
Well, as I was saying, there are a lot of people in this country who are very unhappy with the way you’ve handled airline security after September 11^th, and I personally believe that you have failed…

Mineta
I hope it wasn’t important.

WuzzaDem
What? You hope what wasn’t important?

Mineta
That last call. I feel just terrible about hanging up on them. It’s just that this is a new phone system...

WuzzaDem
Well whoever it was I’m sure they’ll call back. Mr. Secretary, there are many people in this country who think that you are failing in your job by not…

Mineta
What if they think I did it on purpose?

WuzzaDem
What if who thinks you did what on purpose??

Mineta
What if they think I hung up on them on purpose? I’ve had that happen and believe me it is a very unpleasant experience.

WuzzaDem
Mr. Secretary, with all due respect, there are a lot of people who are very concerned about…

Mineta
They should have called back by now. This is really starting to worry me.

WuzzaDem
Well maybe they’re busy – listen, I’m talking about the possibility of more Americans losing their lives if you don't…

Mineta
Yes, yes, I heard you but I don’t think you understand the seriousness of this situation; someone was trying to call this office and there is a distinct possibility that I have done something to offend them. I just can’t allow that to happen on my watch. Now I do appreciate your call but I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this conversation some other time. I’m sorry. Good-bye sir - oh, and thank you for calling the Department of Transportation.

(Cheesy hold music)

Mineta
Cheryl, can you get someone from the FBI on the phone right away, I have to see if I can track down a call that…

WuzzaDem
This is John!

Mineta
Oh, sorry.

(Click)

Referred by another site? Check the WuzzaDem front page for the latest posts

Open Letter to a "Red Stater"

This has been making the rounds on a lot of "progressive" blogs and web sites.

Dear Red State Person,

I wanted to write a short note in an attempt to reach out to you.  I know that we differ in our opinions on many subjects, most notably who should have been elected as President of the United States this past November, but I think we probably have more in common than you realize. 

You probably have some preconceived notion of what kind of person I am (that means you think you know what I'm like).  Perhaps you think that I'm condescending (that means you think I act like I'm better than you), but if we were to become better acquainted (that means if we got to know each other better), then you would see that this is indeed untrue (that means it's not true).

Like you, I have many friends, family members and colleagues (that means people I work with - not like on a farm or anything but at a big building, for a company, where I have a specific function [that means something I'm supposed to do] to perform [um, that means do] and they pay me)...what was I talking about?  Oh yes, like you I have many, well, you know, what I just said, the family and everything, whose opinions are very diverse (that means...well just take my word for it, that's a good thing), and we are all concerned (that means we're worried) about the fate of our nation (that means we're worried about what's going on in our country - I don't mean country like the music, I mean, you know, the big place where we all live).  We get up every morning and put our shoes on one foot at a time (shoes are something that people who live in the city wear on their feet), and as we go about our daily routines (that means, ummm, well it just means when we're doing the stuff we do every day), we are acutely aware...

All right, look, I don't have the time it would take to explain everything to you so let's just cut to the chase.  That means let's just talk about what we need to talk about but that's the last thing I'm explaining!  What you need to understand is that I'm smarter than you are.  That's why I'm in the city and you're down there plowing fields (or slopping hogs or whatever it is you people do). 

We're the ones who take time to really study the issues - and if you don't know what issues are then buy a dictionary - and if you don't know what a dictionary is, then ask someone!  So as I was saying, we actually think about why we vote for a presidential candidate.  We don't let some preacher or wizard or whoever it is you listen to tell us who to vote for, so it's just not fair that your votes cancel ours out.  I know it's not easy for you to understand this, so let me put it as simply as I can: 

Bush is a bad man.  He' a real bad man, OK?  Just take my word for it.  After all, I live in the city - remember, we just talked about that a little while ago?

So the next time there's an election for President, this is what I want you to do: Vote for the Democrat.  Can you remember that?  Democrat.  Please write it down somewhere, or get someone else to write it down for you or whatever, but keep it in a place where you can find it before the next election.  And if you can't remember, then just stay home and let the people who actually use their brains do the voting!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get upset.  It's just that I'm trying to empathize (that means - oh forget it).

Goodbye for now, and please don't thank me.  It's thanks enough just knowing I've been able to reach out and help you.

Sincerely,

A Hopeful Optimist from a Blue State

Referred by another site? Check the WuzzaDem front page for the latest posts

Anybody Can Get On "60 Minutes"

I was kind of half-watching 60 Minutes this weekend, and I noticed at one point that Ed Bradley was interviewing that guy that does the Victoria's Secret commercials (I think his name is Bob Dillon but I can't be sure).  At first I Thought he was talking to that secretary that Dan Rather interviewed about the forged National Guard documents, then I remembered that she didn't have that little goatee.  So how does this guy rate an interview on 60 Minutes?  He does one commercial and Ed Bradley wants to talk to him?  Actually, I have to say in all fairness he may have done other commercials that I haven't seen - maybe he's the new pitch-man for Dinty Moore or something.

Anyway, he is one weird dude!  I mean maybe he's not weird but he says some very strange things.  I jotted a few of them down:

Dillon:
"My stuff were songs, you know? They weren't sermons - if you examine the songs, I don't believe you're gonna find anything in there that says that I'm a spokesman for anybody or anything really."

Now it was starting to make sense.  He's one of those "I wanted to be a songwriter" guys.  Does he really believe that's what got him the spokesman job for Victoria's Secret?

Bradley:
"He writes that he intentionally made bad records..."

Come on man!  If no one buys your records just move on, don't make excuses.  You're making a living on TV now, no need for the sour grapes.

Bradley:
What did Dillon know about organic farming? "Nothing," he says. "Not a thing."

Once again, you've found you niche, no need to worry about failures of the past.

Bradley:
He says he doesn't like to eat in restaurants because of all the attention he gets. And he says he has never gotten use to it.

Who are these losers who are bothering the Victoria's Secret guy while he's trying to eat?  Get a life people!

Dillon:
"People, they'll say, 'Are you who I think you are?' And you'll say, 'I don't know.' Then, they'll say, 'You're him.' And you'll say, 'OK, you know, that – yes,' And then, the next thing they'll say, 'Well, no, you know? Like are you really him? You're not him.' And, you know, that can go on and on."

Once again people - get a life.

Dillon:
"I'm in the bottomless pit of cultural oblivion."

OK, so you're out there hawking nighties like a side-show geek, but things could be worse.  Just keep at it and you might get a chance to do car commercials or something.

Update: Are You Conservative must have been watching the same show, and they have something to say about this guy too (although they spell his name differently).

Let's Play Hardball

Matthews
I’m Chris Matthews, let’s play Hardball.  Tonight—are ultra-conservative right-wing Republicans responsible for endangering the safety of the citizens of this country by stalling much-needed intelligence reform legislation for no good reason?  But first—the Middle East.  With Arafat gone and an election on the way, will Israel finally get off its high horse and cut the Palestinians some slack?  Jon Meacham is in the studio with me.  Jon who’s the road block in the Israeli government?

Meacham
Ummm…well Chris I don’t know if I’d use the term road block, but if you’re asking who the key players are in the Israeli side then I’d have to say that Ariel Sharon…

Matthews
Ha!  What kind of name is that…Sharon?  It’s spelled like a girl’s name.  I mean come on, you’ve got a real man’s name…Jon.  Jon.  Nobody could mistake you for a girl, right?

Meacham
Well Chris, I…

Matthews
I mean sure, you’ve got those kind of girly shoulders happening but if someone was judging strictly by your name then I say you’re all man.

Meacham
Well, uh, thanks but I thought we were talking about Ariel Sharon.

Matthews
Oh yeah, Sharon – you know who he reminds me of?

Meacham
No I don’t…

Matthews
King Tut!  Doesn’t he remind you of King Tut?

Meacham
The Egyptian pharaoh??

Matthews
No, King Tut!  Didn’t you ever watch the old Batman shows back in the sixties?  Victor Buono played King Tut.  They’d dress him up in this kind of wacky Egyptian costume and all these guys would carry him in on their shoulders and he always had some kind of crazy plan to kill Batman and Robin so he could take over Gotham City.  Doesn’t he remind you of King Tut?

Meacham
I…uhhh…I…

Matthews
Alright well anyways thanks for joining us Jon, I always learn something when you’re on the show.  Let’s move on now and take a look at what’s happening in Congress, where intelligence legislation is apparently being harpooned by super-duper-conservative far-right-wing uber-Republican extremists.  Opponents say they object to the lack of so-called “border security” measures that would, among other things, prevent people who can’t prove they’re American citizens from obtaining drivers licenses.  I’m joined now by Michelle Malkin.  Michelle welcome to the show.

Malkin
Thanks Chris.

Matthews
Michelle is the author of “Invasion: How America Welcomes Terrorists, Criminals, and Other Foreign Menaces to Our Shores.”  Let me ask you this Michelle, doesn’t Jon Meacham remind you of Agarn?

Malkin
Who?

Matthews
Agarn!  You know, from F-Troop?  Larry Storch played Agarn.  He was always screwing something up and Forrest Tucker—he played the Sergeant—would take off his hat and give him a few whacks over the head.  I mean come on--the guy looks like Agarn, doesn’t he?

Malkin
I never saw the show so I really can’t say, but what I wanted to talk about was...

Matthews
OK, if you want to limit the topics of conversation so you don’t have to get off your talking points then fair enough, we’ll do things you way.

Malkin
That’s not what I meant…

Matthews
So anyway I haven’t read your book, but judging by its cover I’d say you take this stuff pretty seriously.

Malkin
Well Chris, the security of this country is an issue that I do take very seriously, and as I say in the book…

Matthews
Yeah, I get it already. Listen, why would you want to deprive anyone of a driver’s license?  I mean if I’m Joe six-pack and I’m out there working nine to five at the factory six or seven days a week, shouldn’t I be able to drive home in my Ford Pinto or whatever so I can make it in time to watch Nascar or wrestling, maybe have some meat loaf…

Malkin
I’m not even sure what you’re talking about but I think we’ve gotten off the topic…

Matthews
OK, well let me ask you this, do you agree with Hunter and Sensenbrener and the other far-right-wing ultra-conservative Republican extrem…

Malkin
Well if you’re talking about illegal aliens then I would say no.  The United States government should not be issuing driver’s licenses to people who are here illegally, and there are some obvious reasons for…

Matthews
You know you always hear these people on the right talking about how liberals are “elitists”, but then when some guy out in Kansas City is forced to work three or four low-paying jobs because he can’t make ends meet any more…

Malkin
What has that got to do with…

Matthews
Listen, I know you have an agenda here, but I’m not going to let one person dominate the conversation on this show. Now you’ve had your say…

Malkin
You haven’t even let me complete a sentence!

Matthews
Look, I know this trick.  It’s something conservatives are very good at.  They monopolize the conversation, and then as soon as someone counters their argument with some real logic they start screaming that they’re not getting their enough time to talk.  Let’s go to Pat Cadell.  Pat you’ve been around a long time, don’t you think…

(Producer’s voice from offstage)
Pat’s not here Chris.

Matthews
Where is he?

Producer
He’s with Fox News now.

Matthews
That’s too bad, I like Pat.  I always get distracted when I’m talking to him though—he’s got that spot on his beard that makes it look like he was eating Cream of Wheat and got a little sloppy.  Maybe he should use that Just for Men gel – Ha!  Man, I love Cream of Wheat.  I could never really tell the difference between Cream of Wheat and Cream of Rice though.  How about you Michelle?  Michelle?  Where’s Michelle?

Producer
She left.

Matthews
That’s too bad, I always learn something from her when she’s here.  We’ll have to have her back sometime.  Anyway that’s it for tonight, thanks for watching Hardball and be sure to tune in tomorrow when we’ll be talking to Senator Norm Coleman of Minnesota.  Hey Pat, doesn’t Norm Coleman remind you of Dick Sargent from the old Bewitched show?  Or was it Dick York?  I could never tell those guys apart.  Pat?

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Warning: The preceding is intended for comedic use only.

Merry Christmas from the Left

Tommy Thompson - A Wealth of Information

Tommy Thompson announced his resignation today and was kind enough to point out to any terrorists who might have been listening how easy it would be for them to poison America's food supplies.  Most of the television and print media stopped their coverage shortly after that, but according to a transcript we obtained he went on to mention that:

- He was surprised his house had not been broken into since he keeps a spare key in the flower pot by the door and the house is generally empty from early in the morning till late at night.  Also, his security system hasn't worked for months.

- He couldn't believe that no one had ever stolen any money from his checking or savings accounts since the PIN numbers for both are 1234.

- The door to HHS headquarters can be opened even after it's locked if you jiggle the handle and pull up while you push.

- The "undisclosed location" that Dick Cheney is relocated to during emergencies is room 432 in the HHS headquarters building.

- He's really relieved that no one ever tries to take the briefcase full of highly sensitive government documents he carries when he travels, because he has a tendency to ignore it while placing phone calls in the airport and checking into hotels.

Luckily he was dragged off stage with a giant hook at that point.

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Warning: The preceding is intended for comedic use only.

Lawrence O'Donnell Returns to "Scarborough Country"

Buchanan
Welcome to Scarborough Country.  I’m Pat Buchanan, sitting in tonight for Joe Scarborough. Tonight we start by taking a look at some of the movies that are out right now and I want to start with this “Alexander”, a new film by Oliver Stone. Lawrence O’Donnell joins me here in the studio. Lawrence, how are you?

O'Donnell
Liar! You’re a LIAR!!

Buchanan
What in the world are you talkin’ about!? I haven’t even said anything yet!

O'Donnell
You Liar! I just heard you do that intro! Are you going to tell me that wasn’t you talking?? I can’t believe these disgusting lies!

Buchanan
Lawrence, I want you to calm down! Now look, I’m a bit of a history buff so I know a little something about Alexander the Great and I’ll tell you right now, Stone has just got his facts plain wrong in this movie.

O'Donnell
You LIAR! Oliver Stone is an honorable man and if you think I’m going to sit here quietly while you spread these lies about him…

Buchanan
Now you just hold on a minute Lawrence! All I’m saying is that as far as historical accuracy is concerned this is just one more example of Oliver Stone getting it wrong.

O'Donnell
LIES! It’s all lies! You want to talk about facts Pat? Well here’s a fact—Oliver Stone has spent his entire adult life making films that entertain people. Can you name one film that you’ve made?? Name one!!

Buchanan
What in the world has that got to do with what we’re…

O'Donnell
Name one!! Just one! You can’t, can you? Because you’re a LIAR! Oh. I can’t believe how you lie!

Buchanan
Alright that’s it Lawrence! I’m turning you microphone off right now, I’ve had it with you!

O'Donnell
Liar! My microphone’s still on!! Oh, you creepy LIAR!!

Buchanan
We’ll be right back after this break…Lawrence what in blazes is wrong with you?

Warning: The preceding is intended for comedic use only.